


Bringer of Light

by nn0405



Category: New Amsterdam (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 138,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23076274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nn0405/pseuds/nn0405
Summary: We did not ask for this room or this music. We were invited in. Therefore, because the dark surrounds us, let us turn our faces to the light. Let us endure hardship to be grateful for plenty. We have been given pain to be astounded by joy. We have been given life to deny death. We did not ask for this room or this music. But because we are here, let us dance. - Stephen King
Relationships: Max Goodwin & Helen Sharpe, Max Goodwin/Helen Sharpe
Comments: 167
Kudos: 211





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is another idea I decided to play around with. It contains characters and plots from the show (neither of which belong to me), but it's a different take on things. I guess technically, that would place it in the AU category, which may not be for everyone. Writing is simply a hobby, one I do not claim to be good at, so go forward with that in mind. :-) If you like what you read, please let me know. If not, I'm happy to get that feedback as well. As always, like it or not, thank you for taking the time.

The sound of her phone ringing was enough to bring on tears as Helen entered the building with her arms full. She had been on edge all day, the slightest things getting to her in ways they never had before. The ringing briefly stopped and then started back as she stepped into the elevator. She sighed, pressing the button for the correct floor, silently cursing the man on the other end of the line. She didn’t mean it, but her frustration had to go somewhere. Life would have been much easier if he didn’t care. Not better, she would never believe that, but easier. It had been so long since she had been able to make a decision without considering someone else’s feelings that she had forgotten how carefree her life used to be.

It wasn’t that she would trade a single thing for something less complicated. For so long, her current life had been an unattainable dream. The tragedy she had experienced ripped the very foundation of her life out from under her, and there was a time she thought it couldn’t be rebuilt. She wasn’t sure she wanted to rebuild it. To do that would mean she’d have to open herself up to the possibility of being hurt again. She’d have to open herself to the possibility of more loss. She’d have to take her heart out of the very protected shell she kept it in, and she wasn’t sure she could do it again.

Then she met him.

There was nothing special about the day she met Max Goodwin. Having worked at New Amsterdam for years, she had seen Medical Directors come and go. They took the job, always believing they could make a difference, but rarely did they accomplish what they originally set out to do. Their particular brand of idealism was something Helen had lost a long time ago. The fragility of life had taken that from her, and she found comfort being grounded in reality. Sometimes things worked out, but a lot of times they didn’t. There was no rhyme or reason to why things happened. It was her realism that made her the Oncologist she was. You could have the best plan, the most perfect circumstances, and still, end up with a terrible outcome. It didn’t matter how good a person someone was or who they were leaving behind. Bad things didn’t discriminate.

From the moment they met, they had a push-pull dynamic between them that hugged a dangerous line. Helen had always known that. It was easy to get caught up in his enthusiasm and passion for what he came there to do. His belief made her want to believe. Watching him take on impossible situations started to chip away at the burn out she had suffered from for so long. There was no one who could frustrate her the way Max could, but there was no one who challenged her quite the way he did either. It had been so long since someone had made her feel that way. They had stumbled into one another’s lives vulnerable and terrified of being hurt again.

Helen was just beginning to see a hint of light at the end of the tunnel she had been in since her fiancé’s unexpected death. Losing Mohammad had torn her world apart. On one horrible day, all of their plans had vanished. Their life together had been ripped away in the cruelest way possible. It had taken her a long time to make herself believe that there really hadn’t been any warning. There was no sign she missed. There was no indication that even the slightest thing had been wrong, much less something so catastrophic. He was a good man, far better than anyone she had ever known, and in the end, none of it mattered. The moment he collapsed, it had been too late. The brain aneurysm had left him no chance. There was absolutely nothing to be done except to keep him alive until his family could arrive to say their goodbyes. She laid beside him in his hospital bed, so broken she could barely cry, and held him as the life that had been sustained by machines left his body. She was certain her heart had stopped at the same moment. Knowing he would want her to be happy and have everything they had planned on was very different from being able to do it. Three years had passed, and she had been unable to take a single step forward, much less make any of their dreams a reality for herself.

Max was reeling in a very different way. One that, from an outsider’s perspective, was far less traumatic than what she had experienced, but a broken heart was a broken heart. When he came to New Amsterdam, he had recently walked away from everything he had known. Everything he had once hoped for and dreamt about had been pulled out from under him. The person he had planned to spend the rest of his life with had decided she no longer wanted the very things they had built their relationship on. He had come home from work on a rainy Friday afternoon to discover his wife wanted a family, and his only option was to give in to the ultimatum she had placed before him or let her go. A family had never been in their plans. He was going to focus on his career and Georgia on her dancing. They were going to travel, spend money on completely frivolous things, and be happy exactly the way they were. No amount of therapy would save their marriage. Neither of them were willing to compromise. They wanted different things. The only thing left to do was to give her the divorce she asked for, quit his job, and move out of their apartment.

They were both full of pain and trying to fill a void when fate allowed them to meet in the lobby of New Amsterdam his first day. In a matter of weeks, Helen had gone from someone afraid to take one step forward in her personal life, to someone who was having a full-blown affair with her boss. The only expectations he had for her was in her career. Personally, he was satisfied with her exactly the way he found her. He didn’t need her to heal some part of him, and he didn’t try to heal the broken parts of her. Their attraction to one another had been instantaneous, and it burned out of control for months.

They were lying in bed one night, wrapped in one another when she could see an entire life in his eyes. The way he looked at her made her feel like everything she had once wanted in life was possible. There was no way she could survive heartbreak a second time. It was easier to escape before she lost the surviving parts of herself. In a matter of days, they had decided to end it, vowing to keep it strictly professional. Three weeks later, a positive pregnancy test changed their lives forever.

She sat in her bathroom one evening after work, holding the test in her hand, in complete disbelief. She had stopped by the drugstore on the way home simply to confirm what she already knew. There was no way she was pregnant. She had been late before, and the other symptoms she was having had most likely been brought on by anxiety. She took the test completely prepared to breathe a sigh of relief the second she saw the results. Less than 3 minutes later, she found out she would be a Mother. Max’s involvement, or lack thereof, was never a factor. She would do it alone. The anger she expected from him when she told him never came. He knew as well as she did that they had been playing with fire the entire time. The longer things went on, the less careful they became, and neither of them had any real right to be shocked at the situation they found themselves in.

Helen had given him an out, telling him she understood he didn’t want children and that she respected that part of him. She had already applied and interviewed for a job at Sloan-Kettering. She didn’t need anything from him. In many ways, a clean break would have been the easiest route to take. She could take her child and start over anywhere she wanted. She could move back to London if she found staying in New York too difficult. She had it all figured out, and then Max had unexpectedly shown up to her first OB appointment. One look at his face the moment he saw the little blip they had created on the screen was all she needed to see to know she’d be staying in New York and learning to co-parent with him. That one look was all it took for her to know he wouldn't be able to walk away.

She stepped off the elevator, making her way down the hallway to a door she had found herself in front of more times than she could possibly count. She had barely knocked when the door opened, and she saw the worry instantly leave his face. “I was getting worried,” he said, reaching out to take the sleeping 8 month old from her as he stepped aside to let her in. “You said you’d be here an hour ago.”

“I know, I'm sorry,” Helen apologized. “I was running behind. I had to finish packing for myself and for him. I didn’t get as much done today as I planned.” When she had taken the day, she never realized just how hard flying across the country for a string of appearances and leaving the baby behind for the first time would be. Rather than do the things she needed to do, she had spent most of the day holding him and thinking of a thousand reasons why she should take him along like she always did. The fact she had promised Max the week with him and not scheduled her Mother to make the trip left her no choice but to get over it. “This is harder than I thought it would be.”

No matter how annoyed she might get with the man in front of her, she would always love him for the Father he was. Max had gone from a guy so adamant about not wanting children that he ended his marriage to one who melted into a puddle at the sight of their son. There had been moments of doubt in the course of their relationship, but his love for the baby in his arms had never been one of those.

“I’m going to take care of him, Helen,” Max told her.

She took a seat on his couch and tried to choose her words carefully as to not get into an argument before she flew across the country. “Of course you’ll take care of him,” she said. “This has nothing to do with that.” She didn’t expect him to understand. He really couldn’t. Except for the baby’s first couple weeks of life, Max had lived apart from them. It had only been a couple of months since overnight visits had started. Before that, Max only got the baby during the day, bringing him back to her before bedtime. He had done everything exactly the way she wanted, so when he asked to keep the baby while she spent the week in California, she didn’t have the heart to turn him down. “It’s just going to be hard being away from him for that long.”

Max looked at her, sympathy evident on his face, and if he felt any resentment toward her, it never showed. “I’ll send pictures and we'll talk as often as we can, I promise.”

Meyer Sharpe Goodwin came roaring into their lives, three days past his due date, on a boiling hot day in August. The man she had disagreed with every step of the way about everything from the type of baby furniture he bought for his place to what they would name their son, had been the only reason she had gotten through hours of agonizing labor and a completely unmedicated delivery. He had never left her side and promised her she could do it when she was absolutely certain she couldn't take one more second of it. The moment she saw their newborn baby boy in his arms, she knew Max would do anything for him.

The way his voice became softer when he spoke to their baby, the way he painstakingly learned how to change his first diaper, and the way he allowed that tiny boy to completely change him had softened even the most stubborn parts of her heart. Helen found herself letting go of the control she had held on to for so long. She found herself willing to compromise, thankful that he cared enough to have opinions. The most surprising was deciding to honor Max’s request to name their son after his Grandfather and give him only one last name.

“Are you sick?” His voice sounded hoarse, but she knew she was most likely creating issues out of worry. If Max was sick, that meant Meyer could get sick, and she would be almost 3,000 miles away.

“Helen,” he smiled. “It’s allergies. I’m not sick. He’s going to be fine, I promise.”

She nodded, knowing she was being ridiculous. “I’m sorry,” she paused, standing to get the baby’s bag. “I made it easier for you, and I separated his clothes by day. They’re all in this bag along with socks, bibs, and pajamas.” Max listened intently, though she knew he was only doing it for her benefit. Over the past 8 months, he had managed to figure out the basics without any difficulty. She pointed to another bag, “His lunch for each day is in this bag. Please remind daycare at your work to give him vegetables first, then fruit. If they feed him fruit first, then he won’t eat the vegetables. Snacks for each day are also in there. Oh, and make sure to pack four 8 ounce bottles of milk for him every day. He’ll only take three, but if you have to work later, he’ll have an extra. I packed enough milk for the week, but you have a key to my place if you need to get more.”

“Got it,” Max said. “I lightened my load this week, so I promise he won’t be in daycare late. If something happens, Mom is free to pick him up. As long as that’s ok?”

Max’s Mother was another issue completely. She loved Meyer with all of her heart, but Helen knew she would have much preferred his Mother to have been Georgia. A small part of Helen understood. His parents had to process their son divorcing, losing their daughter-in-law they had always adored, and welcoming a grandchild they never expected to have by a woman they had never met. It had taken her parents, especially her Father, some time to warm to Max. “That’s fine.”

“Promise you’ll call me when you land?” He asked quietly, rubbing the baby’s back, who continued sleeping peacefully.

“It’ll be late. I don’t want to wake you up,” she replied.

“Helen, I’m not going to get decent sleep until I know you got there safely,” he told her. “You’ll be doing me a favor by letting me know.”

“Ok,” she promised. “I bathed and fed him right before I brought him over, so he should stay asleep for you. At least for a while.”

“I’ll go put him down,” he said. “Or do you want…”

He didn’t have to finish his sentence. She reached out, taking the sleeping baby and holding him to her as tightly as she could. She kissed his head, breathing in his baby smell she loved so much, and followed Max to his nursery. The baby boy instinctively grasped her shirt in his little hand as he continued sleeping, and that is all it took for her tears to begin.

Max turned the nightlight on in the baby’s room before turning to take him from Helen. The minute he saw her falling apart, he closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around her. "Helen," he whispered, gently rubbing her back. He remained quiet after that, knowing there was nothing he could say to make it better. It was something she would have to work through on her own and in her own time. 

“If he wakes up,” she said tearfully. “I usually bring him into bed with me because he has trouble falling back to sleep on his own, so…”

“If he wakes up, I promise I’ll put him in bed with me,” he said. “I’m not going to leave him in here to cry. Would it make you feel better if put him in my room to start with? I can set the travel crib up….”

“No,” she said, doing her best to pull it together. She didn't want him to think for a second that she didn't trust him. That wasn't it at all. “He’s fine in here.” Max had made it without issue on his weekends with the baby, and she didn’t want him to think he had done anything less than a great job. She made her way over to the crib, kissing the baby boy before carefully laying him down. “I love you,” she said, keeping her hand on him and feeling the gentle rise and fall of his chest.

Max quietly laughed as they watched him sleep, “He’s always on his stomach when I wake him. His little butt in the air.”

Helen smiled, “He’s always like that for me too.”

She followed Max out of the baby’s room and back into the living room. His apartment looked a lot like hers. Free of anything their new crawler could get his hands on. “He started pulling up on things. Day before yesterday, I think,” she told him. She always tried to tell him about anything new, but sometimes she simply got too busy. “He can pull himself up, but he hasn’t quite figured out how to sit back down, which he’ll definitely let you know about until you come help him. He’s about as patient as you are.”

Max laughed, unable to argue with that statement. Everyone knew Max got the results he did because once he started on something, he didn’t stop until it was done. “There’s something we can work on this week.”

She noticed him wince as he swallowed. “You should take something for that. An antihistamine, at least. It’s only going to get worse, there’s pollen everywhere.” It wasn’t her place to care, but she did. She always had.

Max smiled. ”Noted.”

If she had a dollar for every time someone in her life asked why she and Max weren’t together, she could retire early. The answer was simple. In the beginning, it was about protecting herself. She had given all of herself to someone before Max, and losing him had broken her in ways she didn’t even know were possible. She had somehow pulled herself out of that dark pit, and there was no way she would ever risk it happening again. It was no longer about her. There was now a little boy who depended on her for everything. A little boy who desperately needed his Father present in his life. It wasn’t worth the risk. Their respect for one another as parents and their friendship was simply too important. Things were working well the way they were.

Max was so different from Mohammad. Sometimes she thought that is what attracted her to him. She was running from the familiar. Anything similar would have been too painful. Mohammad would have made a wonderful Father, but he didn’t have the qualities that seemed to fit Meyer’s personality perfectly. The qualities Max had that she loved the most. Helen knew she was meant to have her son, but knowing that also meant she had to accept it was never supposed to be with Mohammad.

Max took a step toward her, wrapping her in a hug, and holding her for far longer than he should have or been allowed to. “Be careful, ok? Call me the second you land.” She pulled back, giving him a look that told him he was absolutely overreacting. “I mean it.”

“I promise,” she said, making her way to the door. “As long as you promise to send me so many pictures and videos that I’ll be sick of looking at my own baby.”

“Well, that could never happen,” Max smiled, following her into the hallway. “He’s too damn cute for that, but I promise.”

With that, she turned and made her way down the hallway. She didn’t have to look behind her to know he watched her all the way to the elevator, worrying about her more than he should. She had made many mistakes in her life, but meeting Max wasn’t one of them. He was a good man. A man who kept every promise he made and one she was proud her son had in his life. If Meyer grew up to be half the man Max was, then she knew she had made the right decision. Her heart be damned.


	2. Chapter 2

Max had never really liked children. Sure, they were cute, but that’s as far as it went. He didn’t want to spend any real time with them, he didn’t want to be responsible for them, and regardless of what society expected, he absolutely didn’t want them. It was one of the main reasons he had gone into adult medicine. He avoided them while tolerating them as best he could. Fatherhood wasn’t for everyone.

When he met Georgia, that had been one of the first things that had drawn him to her. All of the women in his past wanted the same thing - marriage and children. The two went hand in hand, so when he stumbled upon Georgia, it seemed meant to be. She was focused on ballet, loved to travel, and she wasn’t looking to have a family. It was as if she had fallen into his life at exactly the right time. Finding a woman who didn't want a family was enough for Max, and compatibility in every other area didn't matter as much. If they agreed on the big stuff, then he had faith they could work through the smaller things. They had dated a while and gotten married on a whim. As far as he could see, his life was set.

Max started to notice changes in her as more and more of her friends began having children. He never addressed it, not really wanting to know the truth, but he had a feeling for a while that she was slowly changing her mind. She seemed to gravitate toward friends with small children, offering to babysit, and trying her hardest to get him to show interest. When she finally admitted what he had already known, he had been hurt, but he couldn’t pretend he was shocked by the revelation. He would never forget her face when he told her he absolutely did not want children and never would. That wasn’t the plan they agreed on. He wasn’t going to change, nor did he expect her to. She wanted to move on while she still had time, and Max didn’t have it in him to argue. He gave her the divorce and let her go.

The separation was simple. Neither wanted anything more than what they brought into the marriage. Georgia didn't want anything of his, she just wanted to move on with her life while she still had time. Max, however, was left in some weird form of limbo, and he struggled in the aftermath. He knew people changed, but he couldn’t help the resentment he felt when he thought of how she reneged on their plans. Georgia had been the one to change, not him, and though he knew it was nothing but sadness, there were moments he hated her for it. Everything reminded him of their life together. The studio apartment he moved to was a reminder because she was the reason he was there. The clinic he ran because all of the staff knew her and now looked at him with nothing but pity. Their friends for obvious reasons. He finally hit a wall and decided she wasn’t the only one who got to turn her life upside down. He quit his job, moved to an apartment as far away as he could realistically go, and cut most of their friends out of his life.

A clean break was the only way he was going to survive.

His first day at New Amsterdam seemed like a mistake. The hospital was in the worst financial crisis he had ever seen, the morale among the staff was at an all-time low, and nobody seemed open to change. Everyone was perfectly fine just getting by. Max was convinced he had done the wrong thing by taking the position of Medical Director until he met Helen. As one of New York’s top Oncologists, she wasn’t completely unknown to him. Her name had come up in conversation with colleagues over the years. It was next to impossible to get a patient in with her, something even he had never been able to achieve, but the awareness she brought to the hospital and the funds she raised were unmatched. He knew she was worth every penny New Amsterdam spent to keep her there.

He was drawn to her from the moment they met, and he was amazed to find that she was incredibly easy to get along with. She wasn't just the gorgeous, charismatic “Dr. Helen” who was worshipped by so many. There was no denying she was those things, but more than that, to him, she was simply Helen. It didn't take him long to discover she had a past just as complicated as his. Their relationship started with them going for drinks after a particularly bad day at work. After that, it became their thing. They would vent about their days, the hospital, and the shit they had both survived. Pretty soon it turned into going back to one another’s places to do the same. They would make dinner together and talk half the night about everything imaginable. It was easy with her. She had so quickly become his main support system and best friend. Eventually, after an emotionally charged conversation one night, they were ripping each other’s clothes off and falling into bed where they stayed all weekend. There were no labels or expectations, but he knew at that moment he had fallen so hard and so fast that he couldn't have stopped it even if he wanted to.

Max realized just how far gone he was when he agreed to let her go when she felt things were getting too complicated between them. Lines were becoming blurry, and they weren’t in any shape to put a label on what they’d been doing for months. She was too important to lose, so he put on his best smile and promised her that being friends was enough for him. As long as she was in his life, it was enough.

Less than a month later his life changed forever.

“Dr. Goodwin,” the daycare director greeted. The employee daycare was something he started after coming to New Amsterdam, and it was one of the things he was most proud of. Meyer, however, didn’t agree. The crying baby boy was sitting on the colorful rug, not at all interested in the other babies and toys surrounding him. It broke Max’s heart to see his normally happy boy so upset. “I am so sorry I had to call you, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

The moment Meyer spotted him, the little one was crawling as fast as he could across the rug in Max's direction. “Hey,” he picked Meyer up, holding the baby to him as he felt little hands grip his scrub top. “Shh, it’s ok,” he said, kissing the crying baby on the head. “You’re ok, Meyer. I’m here!”

Max could tell the daycare director was stressed and most likely worried that being unable to keep the Medical Director’s son happy would reflect badly on her. “Again, Dr. Goodwin, I apologize. I have tried everything I knew to try. He wouldn’t take his bottle or any of his food, he wasn’t interested in playing with the other babies or toys, and I just couldn’t bear to see him so upset any longer.” He knew the previous two days hadn’t gone well, but the baby seemed to hit a wall today. It wasn't much better at home. Each night seemed to get a bit worse. The first night, Meyer slept in his crib without issue. By the second night, the little one realized Helen was gone, and Max hadn't had a full night of sleep since. When he'd finally given up and put Meyer in his bed, he could almost hear Helen telling him he would never win against their son.

Max smiled, relieved that Meyer was finally starting to calm in his arms. “Marta, there’s no need to apologize,” he said. “He’s used to attending another daycare, so between being away from his Mom this week and not seeing any familiar faces here, I think he’s just had a rough time.”

“She is a doctor too, is that right?” It always surprised Max when he ran into someone who didn’t know Helen or the details of their history. People who had no idea she had worked there years before he came along, or that what happened between them is what caused her to leave. At times, he got the feeling people would have rather he left. Helen had been well-loved by her colleagues. He would have given anything to keep her, but she needed the distance, and all Max could do was respect her decision.

“She is,” Max answered. “She’s an Oncologist at Sloan-Kettering.” The baby boy rested his head on Max’s shoulder, his tears drying up as he became more content. “This is the longest he’s been away from her, so you have nothing to apologize for. I appreciate all of your help this week.” At the moment, he wasn’t sure if he’d have to take the rest of the week off, or if he should call on his Mom for help, but he knew he couldn’t put Meyer through one more day of this. And he absolutely couldn’t tell Helen about any of it until she was home.

“I cannot imagine,” Marta said. “It has to be so hard seeing poor outcomes so much of the time while remaining hopeful that one day a cure will be found. It takes a strong person to devote their life to that cause.”

“She’s an amazing woman,” Max smiled. “She truly is. Hopefully, this little guy will follow in her footsteps if he’s going to follow one of us.” Despite their complicated situation, Max respected Helen more than anyone else in his career. She was so devoted to every single patient, even ones other doctors had long given up on. She was the very picture of someone who went into medicine for the right reasons.

“Do you want to try bringing him tomorrow? I’m willing to do anything I can to make his time here with us positive, so if you have any suggestions we haven’t tried…” Max could tell she wanted to help, but he wouldn’t be able to walk out knowing his son was so upset. It would only be two days off, and there were things he needed to do that he had been putting off.

“No,” Max told her. “I only have a few more things to do today, so I’ll keep him with me. I’ll see if my Mom can watch him, or I’ll take the rest of the week off.”

Marta reached out, placing her hand on the baby’s back. “He’s a beautiful little boy and so full of personality. I know you’re proud of him.”

“Just a bit,” Max smiled. He had no idea just how much his life would change the day he became a Father. He had no idea how much he could love someone he had only just met. Then again, he really had no reason to be all that surprised. He had fallen for the little boy’s Mother just as fast, no matter if he wanted to or not. “Thanks again for everything.” Almost as if he knew he was getting his way, Meyer perked up, smiling at the lady in front of them. “Now you’re gonna smile? After you’ve cried all day?”

Marta laughed, “He just wanted his Daddy!”

“Wave bye,” Max said, moving the baby’s hand up and down. “You can wave bye-bye! You know how to do it! There we go,” he laughed, watching as the baby boy finally did it himself. He took the baby’s bag from another daycare worker as he exited, knowing it was a good try, but that the daycare wouldn’t be anything he’d ever utilize again. “I probably should have listened to your Mommy when she suggested I take you to your usual daycare, huh? We’ll just keep this between us if that’s cool with you.”

Max had forgotten how hard it was navigating the hospital with a baby in his arms. Mornings were hard enough, but the middle of the day was proving to be impossible. He had finally escaped a group of Oncology department nurses wanting to see "Dr. Sharpe's baby" as if she was solely responsible for him when he turned the corner and ran into Brantley.

"Max," she said. Whatever she was prepared to complain about left her mind as soon as she saw the baby in his arms. "Well, aren't you the cutest little thing! Yes, you are! I didn't know he was here today!"

Max continued in the direction of his office as she followed behind him, doing her best to keep up. "He's been here all week. I have him while Helen is out of town." 

"Is this Dr. Sharpe's baby?!" A nurse asked, briefly stopping Max as she got a look at Meyer. "Oh my God, he's adorable!"

"This is Dr. Sharpe's baby," Max replied. He was done fighting for credit when it came to their son. Helen had done the majority of the hard work anyway. "And thank you." He continued walking before anyone else had a chance to stop and look. 

"Oh, don't even bring Helen up around me, Max," Brantley said, still trailing behind. "It's been over a year, and I'm still not over the fact we lost her that other place." 

Max laughed, "That other place? You mean one of the top cancer centers in the world?"

"I'm not discussing it," she replied. "She was the best doctor in this hospital, and you know it." As much as he loved to argue with Karen, that wasn't up for debate. No one missed working alongside Helen more than he did. Meyer squealed out as he watched Brantley do her best to keep up from his place in Max's arms. "I would have traded your Dad if it meant I could keep your Mom around here, Meyer. Yes, I would have!" 

"You know you don't mean that," Max grinned. 

"I do mean it," Brantley replied as her phone started ringing. "I've got to take this, but we're still having that meeting." 

"Uh huh," Max replied halfheartedly. 

"I mean it, Max!" Before he could reply, she was off in another direction, and on her way to terrorize someone else. 

The moment he was back in his office, he got a bottle out of the baby’s bag, and took a seat at his desk. He could see his phone flashing with messages that needed answering, but the little one in his arms was most important. Meyer hungrily took the bottle the moment it was offered to him, drinking faster than he normally did. Max kissed his head, feeling worse at seeing how hungry the baby was. “I’m sorry, buddy. I know you miss Mommy and that everything is different this week.”

Max heard a knock, looking up to see Iggy entering his office. “Missed you at the Department Chair meeting!”

Max looked at the time, sighing when he suddenly remembered what he was doing when daycare called him. “I completely forgot,” Max said. “Daycare called, and I had to pick him up…”

“You didn't miss anything,” Iggy said, taking a seat. “Nothing I can’t update you on in about 10 minutes. The usual snoozefest. Little man ok?”

“Yeah,” Max replied. “He’s just having a hard time being away from Helen, and then I thought it’d be a good idea to stick him in daycare here rather than just take him where he usually goes.” He may have had Meyer for over 8 months, but Max was still trying to figure Fatherhood out. At times, he still learned the hard way that he had to adjust to the baby’s life and not the other way around.

“And how is Dad making it?” If there was ever a man who was meant to be around children, it was Iggy. He and Martin could have added Meyer to their pack for the week and never looked back. He wasn’t sure he’d ever reach the expert level they were at.

Max placed a bib under Meyer’s chin, catching any milk that ran out of his mouth. “Oh,” he said, slightly defeated. “You know, feeling as if I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, more in awe of Helen than I usually am, exhausted, about how you’d expect…”

Iggy smiled at him, knowing all too well how he felt. “It’s a lot.” 

“I have no idea how she does it,” Max told him. “I really don’t. I had no idea because I’ve never had him overnight during the week. He goes back to her on Sunday afternoon on my weekend with him.” The past 72 hours with Meyer had made him feel as if he hadn’t done nearly enough. Since the baby was old enough to be away from Helen for any length of time, Max had gotten him after work for a couple of hours each week. He’d never missed his assigned weekends with him. He actually lived for the time he got to spend with him, but that time was nothing compared to what she did. “Paying child support and getting him a couple days a week is hardly helping her. That’s not doing it together. If I was there more, I would have known better than to make half the decisions I’ve made this week.”

“Most of parenting those little people is trial and error,” Iggy told him. “Helen doesn’t get it right all of the time either. None of us do. I’ve known her for a long time, and if she needed more help, she would tell you.”

“Would she?” Max had his doubts. She wasn’t one to complain about things. She simply kept it to herself and continued on. “I just feel like I’m not there enough.”

“Well,” Iggy said, the look on his face told Max he was about to become his latest patient. “I think the real question is what do you think she needs, exactly? You to be there more for Meyer or you to be there for her? Because from where I’m sitting, you’ve held up your end of the bargain. She has physical custody of him, Max. She knew what that entailed. It’s all laid out in your custody agreement, Boss. So if it’s Meyer, then you need to talk to her about revising that. If it’s her, well…..”

Max knew he was right, and the truth was he didn’t know exactly what he meant. It killed him every time he had to hand Meyer back over. He felt like he missed out on so much, but at the same time, he could never take him from Helen any more than he already did. He saw other people making it work and wondered where they had gone so wrong. “I just hate what he doesn’t have. I hate that all he knows is being shuffled back and forth between us. This week shouldn’t have been so hard on him, and it’s because of the way our lives are.”

“Do you ever think about what it would have been like if you’d done this while married? Had children, I mean.” Iggy had no problems asking stuff that no one else could get away with. It was annoying, but it was Iggy.

Max finished feeding Meyer, kissing his head as he cleaned his face with the bib. “With Georgia? No,” Max answered honestly. “If I had done this with her, I wouldn’t have him, and nothing made sense until I saw him for the first time.” Their divorce happened because she wanted children, and he didn’t. Now Max had a son, and she was still childless. The irony was not lost on him. He also realized Iggy asked to show him it could always be worse. “I just….Georgia and I wouldn’t have been good at this together. I’m not sure I’d be good at it with anyone except Helen.”

“I think you need to talk to her,” Iggy said. “The last time you had that conversation was before him. That Max and this Max are two different guys. I suspect that Helen and this Helen are two different people also.”

Max shrugged. “If I said something to her and freaked her out…” He would spend the rest of his life quiet about their relationship before he jeopardized anything involving their son. They were lucky enough to actually like and respect one another. They might not be together, but Meyer had both of them. Max had witnessed couples who could no longer be in the same room together and discussed their children through mediators. That would never be them. 

Iggy stood, “As I said, your last conversation was before this little guy. I think you’ve both grown more than you’re giving yourself credit for.” He may be right, but it wasn’t worth it to Max. Their lives were complicated enough, and their arrangement was the way it was for a reason. There had never been a single time since they ended things that Helen had mentioned giving them another try.

The conversation was interrupted by Lauren entering the office. He’d somehow managed to forget paging her earlier in the day. No better than he was handling things, Max decided he’d definitely take the rest of the week off. “I wasn’t ignoring you,” she smiled. ”I thought I’d see you at the meeting. Do I need to come back?”

“No!” Iggy said. “I’m just heading out.” He walked around the desk, taking Meyer’s hand in his. “Bye, little guy! Take it easy on your old man, ok?” The baby grinned up at him, kicking his legs excitedly as Iggy talked to him.

“I never know who he looks more like,” Lauren observed, taking a seat in the chair Iggy had just vacated. “Some days I see him, and he’s more Helen. Other days I see him, and he’s more you. Then some days, I don’t even know.”

“He’s Meyer,” Iggy said, getting a laugh from the baby as he continued speaking to him. “That’s who he is! He’s just Meyer!” He smiled over at Lauren, getting an eye roll from her.

“Bye, Iggy,” she said.

Lauren smiled at the baby. Despite her friendship with Helen, she had remained one of Max’s closest confidants at New Amsterdam. He knew she had been rooting for them, praying they could get it right and just be together, but she had also been able to accept that wasn’t going to happen and still be there for both of them. “I talked to Helen last night,” she said. “She is missing that little cutie worse than I think even she expected.”

Max made sure to call her every night before Meyer went to bed, but he knew it wasn’t the same. He wished he didn’t care so much. It was only fair for him to get time with their son, but all he worried about was her. “She tries to hide it when we talk at night, but I can always tell.”

“How did her Mom take this whole arrangement? I know she usually comes over to go with her on these trips.” Helen’s parents were challenging. She would disagree, but they were far worse than his own parents. At least as far as he was concerned. Her father had said so little to him in the time they'd known one another that Max could recall every word. He gathered the man was disappointed that he didn’t ask Helen to marry him the moment they discovered Meyer was on the way. Max respected him, but he clearly didn’t know his daughter as well as he thought he did.

“I’m sure she wasn’t happy,” Max replied. “They never are when it comes to me, though, you know that.” Lauren did know that, and she was the only one he could say these things to. “I think they would have rather her had a baby with a perfect stranger than with me.”

“Oh, Max,” Lauren laughed. “I know her parents, and they aren't _that_ bad. I think it just shocked them. Can you honestly say your parents were any happier? I'm sure none of them expected their only children to go off the rails in their late 30s!”

She had him there. His Dad took it well, but his Mom was another story. She had been disappointed when he and Georgia divorced, convinced he could come around to having children. She had taken Georgia’s side completely. It was a dark day at the Goodwin house when Max had to tell them a woman he had been sleeping with was pregnant with his child. “You know my Mom,” he smiled. “She likes Helen…”

“No, she doesn’t,” Lauren said, rolling her eyes as if it was the most outlandish statement she had ever heard.

“It’s not that she doesn’t like Helen,” Max continued. “It’s that she thinks I give in to her too easily.” Maybe he did, but not when it came to their son. He didn’t ever want Helen accused of using Meyer as leverage in any way because she never would. She wanted what was best for him. It was hard for her to let go with him being so small. Max understood it was nothing against him.

“Your Mother thinks that because she doesn’t like her,” Lauren defended. There was no use in arguing his point. She would only see it Helen’s way, which was fair, but wrong. “Look, Max, we were all there the day he was born. Your Mom was completely unreasonable. Helen had literally just had a baby after being in labor all night and half the day," she explained as if he hadn't been there for every second of it. "And he was what? A couple hours old? It made perfect sense that she wanted her Mom to stay while you went home to get a few things. None of us had gotten to see him yet, but we respected that you and her Mom were the only people she wanted around at first. She was exhausted! She didn't need a room full of people! Your Mother, though…"

The day Meyer was born had been the best day of his life, but also the most complicated when it came to their families. His Mother apologized for her behavior, saying she was just upset that she wasn’t allowed to see the baby until hours later, but Max knew it was really because she felt slighted by Helen’s Mother. It had been downhill from there. Meyer was the only grandchild for both sets of grandparents, and no matter if they admitted it or not, they both felt they were more important than the other. He was already dreading trying to navigate Meyer's 1st birthday party with all four in attendance. “I know,” he conceded. “She just feels like Helen’s Mom sees him more than she does, and that’s probably true, even though my parents are here and Helen’s are in London.”

“Well,” Lauren said. “I fail to see how that is Helen’s fault.”

Max smiled. Lauren was his friend until the debate included Helen. “It isn’t her fault. I should take him over more than I do. It’s not Helen’s place to ask my parents for help. She could, but she doesn’t.”

“Because of your Mother….”

“Despite what you think,” Max said. “My Mother doesn’t dislike Helen. She thinks that Helen is an amazing Mom to Meyer. I have heard her say that myself. And besides, you’re more concerned than she is because she absolutely doesn’t care if my Mom likes her or not.”

“Oh,” Lauren smiled. ”I know that, believe me.”

Max didn’t even want to know the conversations those two had about his Mother. Now that she was here, the worry he’d been carrying around and shoving to the back of his mind had returned. “Anyway, I called you to see if you could possibly do a throat biopsy. Fine needle.”

Lauren looked confused. “On?”

“Me,” Max replied. “I’ve been having some issues for a while, so I just want to make sure everything is ok. If you can’t do it, then…” His worry had given way to more when he had tried both over the counter and prescription medications, and neither had worked. If anything, his symptoms had gotten worse. He needed to know everything was fine, and he needed to do it without worrying anyone else.

“No,” she said. “No, I can, it’s just….you don’t want to see an ENT about this? Or tell Helen, who would know exactly who to get you in with? You know one word to her, and she’d have an entire team together to hopefully tell you that it’s nothing.” 

“I just need you to do a scope and a biopsy if you see anything,” he told her. “I don’t want Helen to know about this. If there is a reason to tell her, then I’ll tell her. She has enough on her.”

He could tell she didn’t agree but would do it. “You want to set it up for tomorrow? Just shoot me a text, so I can have everything ready?”

“Sure,” Max replied. “I need to stop by and drop a few things off to Brantley, and then I’m going to get this little guy home.”

Lauren stood, walking around the desk with her arms held out to take the baby. “You want to come see me? You want to come to Auntie Lauren?” The baby smiled, but hid his face against Max’s chest. “Are you serious? I know you aren’t choosing your Daddy over me!”

“Separation anxiety is in full swing,” Max smiled. “Don’t be offended.”

“I know,” Lauren laughed. “I was over at Helen’s the other night, and anytime she left the room, even if it was only for a few seconds, he crawled right behind her. It’s so cute!” Those were the moments he hated missing the most. The moments most people didn’t think about, but the ones he’d give anything to see. Instead, their son was growing up in two households, barely knowing what it was like to see them together. “Bye, Meyer! I’ll see you tomorrow!”

He watched as Lauren exited his office, leaving him to sit in the silence. Max knew it was unfair to ask her to keep something like this from Helen, but with any luck, it would all be for nothing. The baby boy in his arms beat his little hands on the desk, smiling and laughing, completely happy now that he was away from strangers. “You ready to go home? We’ll eat, and get a bath, and watch Mommy on TV….”

“Ma..ma..ma..” As soon as he heard the word, the little one started in, knowing exactly what he was saying.

“Yeah,” Max smiled. “We’ll watch Mommy on TV and then call her before you go to bed, that sound like a plan? She’s really missing you, so I need you to be extra cute tonight, ok?” Max had recorded every show or segment Helen was on that week just to see Meyer’s reaction. He got up from his desk, gathering their things as the baby continued babbling like a broken record. A year ago, he was terrified of this very thing. Terrified of the baby growing in Helen’s stomach and counting down the months until he’d have to figure out how to be someone’s Father. Now he couldn’t imagine life any other way. He didn’t want to.


	3. Chapter 3

In medicine, there is a _sixth sense_. It’s a feeling one gets about a situation when there may be nothing tangible to support it. There are no changes in vital signs, nothing ominous appearing on tests, no outward signs from the patient, and no real reason to dig deeper. It’s a feeling of dread that cannot be explained. It’s knowing the worst is happening or has happened before ever really _knowing_. It’s a welcomed ability every medical professional looks forward to developing, but only when it comes to patients. It’s not an intuition anyone wants to have concerning their own health. For that, denial is a much better option.

It was no different for Max.

He had known for a while that something was wrong. At first, he chalked it up to a cold or allergies, but as symptoms progressed, his ability to ignore it faded a little more each day. Resignation came in the form of going through with testing, but it was only necessary for technical purposes. Max didn’t want to admit it, but he had known.

Squamous Cell Carcinoma.

In the split second it took to say those three words, his entire world had flipped upside down. Max’s first thought wasn’t about himself. It wasn’t even about Meyer, though it should have been. His first thought was being ashamed he had put such a burden on Lauren. She didn’t deserve it. The woman he respected and who had been his friend though so much, sat next to him with tears in her eyes, as she gave him the results of the biopsy. Rather than apologize for putting her through such a thing, he had asked her to keep the news to herself. Given the fact he was a patient, she had no choice but to comply. Helen would eventually find out, but it wouldn’t be because Lauren told her. 

He was the worst kind of friend, but apologies would have to come later.

Max had picked Meyer up from his parents’ house, saying nothing to them and acting as if he had gone to the hospital for something work-related. His Mom had been so excited to watch the baby, and he couldn’t rip that happiness away by showing up with horrible news. They had been through enough. His parents had already lost one child when his twin sister died at only 8 years old. He couldn’t bear to see their faces when he told them the possibility they could lose another was suddenly very real. 

When Meyer had come along, it was the first time Max could remember looking at them and no longer seeing the grief they carried for his sister. Something about having the baby in their lives healed wounds they must have accepted as permanent by then. They were proud of him, Max had always known that, but being partly responsible for seeing them finally enjoy real happiness was everything. They had gone from quiet and reserved, broken beyond repair, to laughing and smiling anytime Meyer was around. There was a lightness about them now, and Max couldn’t be the reason that disappeared. Not yet. 

Lauren told him he needed to get in with Dr. Stauton as soon as possible. They both knew, out of every Oncologist at New Amsterdam, she was who Helen would recommend. Lauren had offered to page her immediately, but Max had declined. He would make the dreaded appointment and hear what she had to say, but he would do it when he was ready. He would do it at a better time. 

Today, he would focus on the fact that Helen had just returned from California, and his time with Meyer was ending. As soon as they finished their walk through the park, he would take him back to her place, and life would go back to normal. He would go home to an apartment that was far too quiet and empty. He would be able to move about the place without stepping on baby toys. He would be able to go to bed whenever he wanted and sleep soundly now that the little one wasn't snuggled up to him in his sleep. For the past week, Max had slept so lightly, worried he would move the wrong way and be completely unaware. He would be able to go about his days and nights without focusing on someone else.

He hated it. He absolutely hated it.

Max held the baby’s hands as the little one kicked and squealed from the baby carrier strapped to him. Meyer loved the outdoors, the park being one of his favorite places, and Max had decided to take him before handing him back over. “You see that puppy?” Max asked the little one as they passed a golden retriever walking in the opposite direction. “I’m gonna let you figure out how to talk your Mommy into letting you have one when you’re older. Maybe she’ll go for it if you hit her up! She'll never go for it if I suggest it!”

He kissed the baby on the head, doing his best to focus on the time they had together rather than time spent away from one another. It was hard to believe there was a time he’d been convinced he wouldn’t enjoy this. There was no way he could figure out how to adjust his life around a baby. He was focused on his career, and he loved the long hours his job provided him. The thought of losing that freedom had been devastating. As badly as he dreaded the change coming his way, he was so intrigued by the little one he'd see in ultrasound images. There was a connection there he didn't fully understand. He cared, it had never been a question of that, but it was hard to believe he could love someone he never had any intention of meeting. He didn't want this. It wasn't in the plan. The months, weeks, and days leading up to Meyer's birth seemed to go by at lightning speed. Max could remember how miserable Helen was in the last days of her pregnancy, and not having the heart to tell her the thing she was looking forward to was the one he was dreading the most. 

In the days before her due date, Max stayed at her place every night, so someone would be with her around the clock. She felt it was overkill, but it was the one thing he and her parents had been able to agree on. He would go to work, a sense of panic coming over him every time his phone alerted him of a message or call. He wasn't ready. Between people asking if it was time and worrying about what would happen when that time came, Max was exhausted before anything actually happened. He had never wanted to go to bed and wake up to realize it had all been a bad dream more than he did then. 

He had gotten in from work late, exhausted from the long day and fielding crisis after crisis, to find Helen had been having contractions most of the evening. He went from planning on an early bedtime to being awake all night, timing contractions, and doing anything he could to make her more comfortable. When they had finally gone to the hospital around 6am, he was too tired to be scared anymore. Like it or not, it was happening, and he just wanted it over as soon as possible. 

He had no clue how much the baby he had been so terrified to meet would change him. He had gone from believing he couldn’t possibly do it, to almost being brought to his knees, by the overwhelming love that crashed into him the moment he saw his little boy. 

_Tears clouded his vision as he took in everything about the screaming baby in the doctor’s arms. Watching Helen give birth to him had been the hardest thing he had ever done. He had always known it would be difficult, but he had no idea just how much it would tear him apart to see her in so much pain. He would have done anything to take it from her, and until now, he had no idea how she had found the strength to get through it._

_The newborn baby boy gave him the answer. The second he was out, Max looked at her and knew everything she had just been through no longer mattered. The only thing that mattered to her was the tiny boy they had waited to meet for exactly 40 weeks and 3 days._

_“You want to cut the cord, Max?” The OB asked as she handed surgical scissors his way. Max quickly wiped the tears from his eyes with his free hand, still supporting one of Helen’s legs with the other, and carefully took the scissors from the doctor._

_“Here?” He asked, so afraid of cutting a millimeter wrong in either direction even though logically he knew he couldn’t hurt the baby._

_“Between these two clamps,” she instructed. “Helen, he’s perfect! I told you that you could do this!” It had taken encouragement from both him and her OB during the worst moments immediately before the baby was born, but he had never doubted that she could do it._

_The second the baby was free, the OB was handing him in Helen’s direction, still completely disgusting by most standards, but perfect by theirs. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t been cleaned off yet, all either of them wanted to do was get their hands on him. “Hey, sweet boy,” Helen cried, kissing the baby on the head as she held him to her. One of the nurses helped place him on her chest before covering him with a warm blanket._

_Max leaned down from his place at her side, lifting the blanket so he could get a closer look at the newborn. “Oh my God..." he said in disbelief. The tiny boy was absolute perfection, and Max had never felt more undeserving in his life. “Hey, you,” Max whispered softly to the baby. “I love you.” He didn’t even know the little one’s name, but he knew that instant he would do anything for him. “Yeah,” he said. “I do. So much.”_

_That quickly, there was life before and after. Max knew he had been dreading this moment for months, out of nothing but fear, but now he couldn’t believe he had lived so long without the little one in front of him. He couldn’t believe there had been a single second he had doubted this. His eyes met Helen’s, but words didn’t come. They had gotten many things wrong since the day they met, but this was the one thing they’d done right. She had changed his life, and he would never be the same because of her. “Thank you,” he said sweetly. He leaned down, kissing her, and before he could use the emotion of the moment as his excuse, he felt her kiss him back. “He’s everything,” he said, resting his head against hers. “He is everything.”_

_He smiled as the baby wrapped his tiny hand around his index finger. Max had seen plenty of babies, but he was mesmerized by every move their son made. “I don’t know where Mommy kept you in there. You’re bigger than I expected!”_

_“He is,” the OB laughed. “He has to be close to 8 pounds, and you did not look like you had an 8-pound baby in there, Helen.”_

_“I was almost 8 pounds at birth,” Max said. He smiled at Helen, “I’m sorry, you can blame it on me.”_

_He watched as the baby quietened down as Helen spoke to him, finding comfort in the only familiarity in the big world he had just entered. “I could not have done that without you,” she told him as he continued watching their son. Max knew she was exhausted, but she had never looked more beautiful to him. She would never be able to understand how much allowing him to be there for every second of his son’s arrival meant to him. All of the fears he’d carried around for months had gone out the window. There was no awkwardness or uncertainty. She needed him, and he was there. It was them. It was as simple as that. “I couldn’t have, and I’m sorry I’ve been such a brat…”_

_Max kissed her forehead, “You’ve always been a brat, so what’s the point in apologizing now?” He grinned, getting a smile from her. “Look at me…” There would never be anyone else. It wouldn’t be fair to even pretend there could be. The woman holding his newborn son had every single part of him, and though he knew he needed to move on, she probably always would. “You were so amazing, and I have no idea how you did it, but I know you didn’t need me.”_

_He had so many ideas of how he thought it would be. The only thing he remembered from his rotation through OB was screaming, crying, hysterical women. That wasn’t this experience at all. There were times he felt completely useless, wanting to do something for her, but she seemed to go inside herself during the worst of it, finding strength he didn’t even know existed. It was completely Helen, and there was absolutely no way he could have survived a second of what she had endured for hours._

_He stared at the baby, taking in every detail of his tiny face. “You are so perfect,” he kissed the newborn, the love he had for him still hard to believe. Max had never been more thankful for those careless nights they'd spent together than he was at that moment. The little one in front of him was the furthest thing from an accident. He was the greatest thing they would ever do. _

_“Meyer,” Helen said._

_He looked at her, confusion on his face, “Helen, you don’t have to….” It had taken him a bit of time, and there had been arguments, but he had moved past the fact she wasn’t going to agree to name their son after his Grandfather. As soon as they discovered the baby was a boy, the name seemed to fit him, but she hadn’t felt the same way. Instead, Max had finally resigned himself to the fact he would learn to like whatever she chose. It was a battle he decided to let go. “I’ll like whatever you decide on. We’ve talked about this…”_

_“It’s already written in his baby book, Max,” she told him. “I’m not having a moment here.”_

_Max smiled, “I just don’t want you to feel like you have….”_

_“Meyer,” Helen said sweetly, interrupting Max. “Someone needs to tell your Daddy that once it’s in the baby book, it’s official.” Almost as if he knew what she was saying to him, the baby opened his little eyes. “Yeah,” Helen said to him. “Someone needs to tell him that you’re Meyer Sharpe Goodwin, no matter if he likes it or not.”_

_Max laughed, smiling through his tears, “I love it.” He kissed the baby again, even more in love with him now that he was alert and looking around. That little face had made every second of heartbreak and uncertainty Max had faced worth it._

Max greeted the doorman at Helen’s apartment building, as he entered with Meyer still attached to him. Not telling Helen what was going on was wrong, he knew that, but he wanted to have a plan in place first. If he told himself that enough, he might even start believing it. 

He knew Helen would throw everything she had into saving him, and he couldn’t allow her to do it. He needed her to be Meyer’s Mom and focus on nothing but him. There would come a time, as bad as Max hated it, that she would have to do the job of Mom and Dad for their son. He was determined to fight with everything he had, but he knew there were some hard days ahead, and he needed Meyer affected as little as possible by it.

He entered the elevator, placing the bags on the floor, and getting Meyer out of the baby carrier. “I better take you out now before Mommy picks us both up when she grabs you.” He knew Helen had missed him, but the baby in his arms was the only thing keeping him going at the moment. He was sure the week had crawled by for her, while it had flown for him. As soon as he handed him over, it would be back to their normal schedule, and days between seeing his son. 

Max normally didn’t struggle quite as much when it came time to give him back to Helen, but it was the last thing he needed considering the news he’d just gotten. There wasn’t a single thing in his life, Meyer excluded, that seemed to be going right at the moment. His relationship with Helen was the cause of the distance he had to endure. He wasn’t stupid enough to believe he was invincible, and the news he had just gotten put the thought of not seeing his son grow up in his mind. He thought about missing his first day of school, his first time riding a bike, all of the activities he'd eventually do as he grew older, everything. The thought of never seeing those moments was simply too much. It broke him in a way he couldn't fully explain. 

Max gathered the bags, holding Meyer in his other arm, as he exited the elevator. “You should learn to pack lighter,” he said to the baby. Between Helen and his Mother, there was no danger of the baby running low on anything. Ever. “Or maybe we should stop letting Mommy pack for you and Gram loose in the stores. That’s probably a better idea.”

He knocked on the door, trying to convince himself he didn’t care about seeing her as much as he did. He wasn’t supposed to care, but it was beyond his control. Max had worried about her the entire week she’d been gone. He couldn’t help but laugh as the baby squealed out, kicking his legs excitedly the moment the door opened, and he saw Helen. As much as Max hated to give him back, watching the excitement the baby had at seeing her made everything wrong in his life a little better. Their son was so easy to get lost in, his personality infectious, and Max dreaded the reality that would set in without him around. 

Helen reached out to take him immediately, “Oh, Mummy missed you so much!” She kissed the baby’s face repeatedly, getting giggles from him, the smile never leaving his face. “Yes, I did! I didn’t even know what to do with myself!” Max followed her into the apartment, closing the door behind him. He could watch her with their son all day. She was an amazing Mother, and hard as it was to be away from him, their little boy lit up around her in a way he didn’t with anyone else. Knowing Meyer would be ok no matter what happened to him, was the only comfort he had. If things didn't go his way, Max knew their little boy would grow up loved and cared for by the most amazing woman he had ever known.  


He followed her to the living room, placing the bags on her sofa, “Everything you sent for him is washed, so you don’t have to worry about that. He was with Mom for a bit today, and she got him some stuff, you know how she is.” 

Helen smiled, “I do know how your Gram is!” The baby continued smiling as she spoke to him. “She spoils you as much as she still spoils your Daddy! Yes, she does!” Max couldn’t deny that. “Did you have a good week? Were you good for Daddy?”

Max hesitated, not really wanting to tell her how bumpy things were in the beginning, but knew he had to. “Probably should have listened to you on the daycare thing….” 

Helen gave him a knowing look. “I was afraid of that. How bad?”

Max smiled, “Well, I took the past two days off. Just couldn’t leave him so upset.”

“I’m sorry,” Helen replied. “He’s been in the same room at his daycare for months now, loves the ladies in there, and some mornings he still screams when I leave him. This whole separation anxiety thing….” 

“Hundred percent real,” Max smiled. “He did ok at bedtime, I could tell he would have rather had you than his bottle, but we made it! How was your week? You have a good time?” As strange as it was for her to be so far away, and them completely out of their normal routine, Max hoped she had gotten some time to herself. She deserved that more than anyone.   


Helen smiled, starting the task of emptying Meyer’s bags and putting things away with the little one hanging on to her as tightly as his little hands and legs could. “I did, actually! There was a group of us who have known one another for years there, so we went out a couple nights. I’m not sure if it’s my age or him, but I can’t keep up the way I used to.” 

“Definitely him,” Max smiled. “We’re not old. Not even close."

“Not at all,” she smiled. At times, it bothered Max more than he’d like to admit that he no longer had experiences like that with her. They no longer went to dinner or for a night out. The baby in her arms had changed their relationship drastically, strengthening it in some ways while taking other aspects of it away. “Oh,” she said. “Is it ok if you get him Wednesday afternoon rather than Tuesday? We have playgroup on Tuesday. I totally forgot about it until they sent me a reminder, does that work for you?” 

“Wednesday is fine,” he said. “We were just having dinner with Mom & Dad, so I'll tell her to move it to Wednesday.” He was trying to make an effort to take Meyer to see his parents more. It had taken the news he had cancer to make him realize he didn't spend enough time with them, and that he may not have all the time left in the world. He didn't want to think about it, but it was his reality, and that was one regret he refused to have. 

“Thanks,” she replied. “If it doesn’t work, we don't have to go. It’s not like I can't take him next time." 

“No,” Max said. “Wednesday is fine. Which reminds me, Mom and Dad mentioned going to the lake today. The only weekend they can go, and I am free is weekend after next, so I thought if you didn’t care….” It was the first time in as long as Max could remember that his parents had mentioned going to the lake. It was a frequent trip they made when he was a child, but since losing his sister, they had stayed away from there like they had so many other places. The fact they wanted to start the tradition with Meyer was something Max never thought he’d see. “We’d go on Friday and come back on Sunday. You can have my next weekend if you want.” 

Helen stopped what she was doing, adjusting Meyer on her hip as she looked at Max. “The weekend after this coming one? Max, my parents are coming to town for a long weekend! It’s my Dad’s birthday. I’ve taken the end of that week off, so I’d have free time with them.”

He had no idea where his sudden anger came from. He very rarely reached that point with her, and although he knew it was completely unfair, he couldn’t stop it. He felt as if everything was out of his control. She called the shots when it came to their son. His health and future were now up in the air. The day had been too much. “Helen, I never ask you to switch weekends with me. Ever.” 

The moment she looked at him, he knew she wasn’t going to back down. It wasn't as if he could really blame her, but he couldn't help the way he felt. “Max, it has nothing to do with not wanting to switch with you, it’s that my parents are coming to visit. They’ve had this planned. What am I supposed to do? Tell them not to come or allow them to come when he won’t even be here?” 

“It's one weekend, Helen," he replied. 

"Is there no other weekend you could go? Rescheduling a trip there is much easier than asking my parents to reschedule." That would be the sensible answer, Max was well aware of that. He was sure asking his parents to go a different weekend wouldn't ruin the fact they wanted to go, but he was tired of her making all of the decisions. It had been that way from the moment they discovered she was pregnant. Everything concerning their son was ultimately her choice, no matter if she claimed to include him or not. That inclusion only happened when he agreed with her. 

“It’s always about your parents,” Max shot back. “I forget. My family is just supposed to fall in line behind yours, right? We can see him when it works best for you." 

Helen rolled her eyes, walking away from him to put something else away. “I’m not doing this with you, Max. I can tell you’ve been around your Mother.” 

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?!” He was off the couch the instant the words left her mouth. Keeping quiet was no longer an option. It wasn’t as if her parents made it easy on him. They had done nothing but make him feel as if he was the worst possible guy their daughter could have ever ended up sharing a child with. “My Mother?! How about your Mother? There’s the real nightmare!”

"What is wrong with you?" Helen had always had an annoying ability to read him like a book. Only this time, he wasn't going to give her the answer she was looking for. 

"What's wrong with me?! Are you serious? I ask to change up your schedule for the first time in I don't even know how long, and you refuse! You know, like it or not, I have just as much say in what goes on with him as you do." For some reason, that made him feel better. As horrible as he knew it was, voicing that he had some control over just one thing in his life made him feel better. 

Helen stopped what she was doing, looking at him for the longest time but never saying a word. He wanted her to yell at him. He wanted her to tell him what an unbelievable asshole he was. He wanted to feel anything other than what he was feeling. “You know something, Max? I’m sorry all of this happened. I’m sorry you have to share _our_ child with me and my family. I’m even more sorry that you didn’t do this with Georgia….” 

“I don’t give a shit about Georgia and you know it,” he spat.

The look she gave him told him that it didn’t matter what he said. She was done, and he could leave. He could see the unshed tears in her eyes and instantly felt like shit. She was trying so hard to hang onto her resolve, but he knew that he had hurt her. “As I was saying, I’m sorry this worked out the way that it did. For you. I know your parents don’t like me and that they may not understand, but I’m his Mother, and my parents are going to be in his life. You all can respect that, or things can change, and we’ll stick to the custody agreement word for word. If you need a reminder, it states you get him every other weekend from 5pm on Friday until 5pm on Sunday. If you don't like that, you can take me to court.” 

“Helen…” Max said, instantly full of regret for lashing out at her. He knew the quickest way to get a reaction out of her was to involve Meyer. She was fiercely protective of their son, and all bets were off when it involved him. There were many things he regretted in his life, but meeting and having Meyer with her would never be one of those.

“I’m not going to fight about this, Max,” she told him. “The issues we have between us will never affect him. He’s not going to grow up dealing with our problems, so you need to figure out how you want this to go. I’m sorry, but that weekend won’t work.” He deserved every word she said to him, and he hated himself for lashing out at her.

“Helen,” he tried again. “I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry.”

Wordlessly, she walked in his direction and handed Meyer over. “Tell Daddy bye-bye, Meyer! He has to go home.” 

He took the baby into his arms, reaching for her as she stepped back quickly. “Hel….” He paused, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean….”

“Just tell him goodbye, so I can get on with my night, Max,” she said. “I have to give him a bath, feed him, and get him to bed before I can unpack any of my stuff.”

He sighed, kissing Meyer’s head and hugging the baby to him. “Daddy loves you so much, bud. Be a big boy for Mommy, ok? Sleep all night in your bed so she can get some rest.” The tears flooded his eyes before he even knew they were coming, and it took everything in him to hold them back. It hurt like hell handing the little one back over. “I love you,” he told the baby, kissing his cheek. 

He handed the baby back to Helen, trying to meet her eyes, but she refused to look at him. “I’ll see him…”

“Wednesday,” she said, making it clear there would be no extra visits worked into the schedule before then. “Have a good night, Max.” 

He decided to cut his losses and leave. There was no need in trying to apologize again, he hurt her, and she deserved to be angry. It had been less than 24 hours, and keeping things from her was already causing problems. 


	4. Chapter 4

It had been three days. 

Three days since Max had shown up to her apartment so clearly bothered by something, doing all he could to pick a fight, but refusing to just talk to her. He always talked to her, but something was different. Something was off. The words he said weren’t Max, she knew that, but they had hurt all the same. From the beginning, the one thing she had promised herself, was that Meyer would never suffer, because of their situation. Be it good or bad, their little boy would only know two parents who loved and put him first. She had never had to doubt that Max was on the same page and the fact that their last encounter made her question that absolutely killed her. 

She had always known their situation wasn't ideal. Her parents had been thrilled to learn they were going to have a grandchild, but they had concerns about the details surrounding it. They didn't know Max. It was hard for them to trust that he would do right by her and their unborn grandchild. Once she became a parent, Helen understood their reservations. They had grown to respect Max, knowing he was a good man and father, but she had never felt the same respect from Max's parents. When it came to his Mother, specifically, Helen had always felt as if she was just the replacement for everything that could have been. She had always felt like the one piece of the equation his Mother would rather do without.

In the days after their argument, Helen had sent him pictures and videos of the baby. She had replied to texts, but she refused to answer when he called. Maybe she had been punishing him for what happened between them, but he saw pictures of his son every day, and she updated him on anything he wanted or needed to know. It wasn’t that she felt innocent in what happened. She knew very well the part she played in it. Threatening him with legal action and bringing his ex-wife up had been wrong, she knew that, but at that moment, she was trying to get to him as much as he got to her. It wasn’t fair. Max had never, not even for a second, made her feel as if he regretted what happened between them. 

There were things Max had told her throughout their relationship, that she was certain he had never told anyone else. Things that still affected him as an adult, but that he didn’t seem to recognize. Losing his sister at such a young age had molded so many parts of the man he had become. He had lost more than his twin sister that day. Max had also lost his parents. The grief they carried after losing their daughter had a profound impact on him. In many ways, Max had taken on the role of caregiver as soon as his sister died. His parents were fragile, Helen knew that, but it broke her heart thinking about such a little boy carrying that load. He didn’t see it, and it wasn’t her place to point it out, but she knew Max’s incessant need to take care of everyone, and everything was a direct result of that. He didn’t want to worry anyone. He didn’t want to be a burden. 

As much as she wanted to ignore it, Helen knew he didn’t want to disappoint his parents. He had spent most of his life taking a backseat to their grief, and Meyer had been the thing to finally bring them out of it. She may never have a good relationship with them, but she could never deny the love and adoration they had for their grandson. It wasn’t her place to care, but she did. It wasn’t her place to worry about figuring things out for him, but she always had. She had resigned herself to believe she always would. 

Helen had been perfectly content to keep communication between them to a bare minimum, hoping with some time and space whatever happened would blow over. She was well aware that wasn’t the best approach, but it was all she had in her at the moment. She didn’t have it in her to fight with him. She didn’t have it in her to fight about them. They didn’t have the luxury of doing that. If it didn’t better their son’s life, they had to let it go. 

She stood at the kitchen sink cleaning up from dinner, smiling as Meyer beat his little hands on the highchair tray behind her. Her first day back to work after a week in California had been a long one. The contrast between doing publicity and dealing with patients was stark. Add that to her increased role in the Pediatric Oncology department and workdays left her both mentally and physically exhausted. She saw Meyer in every patient she treated, and she saw herself in every parent sitting across from her. Motherhood had changed her in so many ways.

“I’m coming, I’m coming! You have to be patient!” The baby boy grinned up at her, almost as if to let her know that would never happen. He shared half his DNA with Max Goodwin. “Yes, you have to be patient,” she smiled, cleaning the baby’s face with a cloth. She was certain he had more green beans and pears on his face than in his tummy once he was finished eating.

“Patience isn’t something he inherited a lot of,” her Mother said. Helen glared over at the iPad sitting on the kitchen table. Despite the time difference, her Mother called several times a week during Meyer’s dinner. It didn’t matter that it was after midnight in London, she wouldn’t hear of it being too late. She would simply say that is what retirement was for. Helen’s Father was much more realistic about their time difference. “I’m just saying, dear.”

“Yeah…yeah,” Helen laughed. She lifted Meyer out of the highchair, placing him on her hip as she wiped the seat down. She listened as her Mom talked to him, getting laughs out of the baby despite the distance between them. At times she hated that her son mostly knew his grandparents through a screen. She was thankful for the option, but she wished he knew what it was like to go to their home. She would much rather leave him with her Mother while she worked than in daycare. When she was at odds with Max, she hated that she couldn’t pack up and move them back to London. Life would be so much easier with her parents close. 

“So,” her Mother said. “How was work today?” 

Helen sighed. “Draining. It’s never easy to admit you’ve reached the end of the road when it comes to treatment options, but especially when it concerns a child. I get home, and all I want to do is hold him and cry.” There had never been a second she had questioned her career, but dealing with Pediatric cancer patients was beginning to take its toll. “There doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. That is where my Director wants me for now. I’d much rather take care of adults, but she seems to think I’m better utilized in Pediatrics. All they care about is patient satisfaction, and I get that, but eventually, the burnout will carry over to patient care.” On the worst days, she even considered going back to New Amsterdam. There was no way Max would force her to stay somewhere she wasn’t happy. 

“Well, honey, I’m sure you’re wonderful at it,” her Mother said. “I know it’s hard, but I’d take it as a compliment.” Her Mother couldn’t understand. Helen didn’t blame her, but she knew her support was limited. It had never been easy sitting across from parents and destroying the very last shred of hope they were clinging to. Since becoming a Mom, she had found herself crying along with the parents of patients more than once. She simply couldn’t imagine their pain. 

Helen kissed Meyer’s cheek, getting lost in the baby blues staring back at her. She couldn’t imagine life without him. The little one in her arms had so quickly changed her world and everything in it. “He just makes it really hard, you know?”

“I know, sweetheart,” her Mom said. “Before I forget, have you spoken with Max about bringing him here for a visit this summer?” 

“I haven’t,” Helen replied. “And right now, you probably don’t want me to. I don’t think he’s in a very accommodating mood when it comes to me.” That wasn’t entirely true, and she knew it. Still, her pride wouldn’t allow her to go to him about Meyer visiting England for a couple weeks during the summer. “And, as you know, it’s required. If he leaves the country, even though I’ll be with him the entire time, we both have to sign.” She grabbed the iPad off the kitchen table and made her way to the living room. 

“Helen,” her Mother said, the dread at hearing whatever she had to say evident in her voice. “What happened?”

She took a seat on the sofa, placing the baby on the floor, and watched as he crawled over to where his toys were kept. He immediately started pulling them out one by one, not bothering to play with them, just wanting them out of the basket. Helen had no idea why she even tried to clean up before he went to bed. “We had an argument the other night when he brought him back home after having him for the week. It was ugly. And he’s called about 50 times since, the last time right before you called, and I can’t deal with it right now.”

“About?” 

Helen sighed. In retrospect, the whole fight was stupid. Most of their arguments over the time they had known one another were. “He asked if I could swap weekends with him because his parents want to go out of town. The way his work schedule coincides with theirs, it would put them going the weekend you and Dad are coming. I told him I couldn’t swap with him, and he didn’t like it. So, I reminded him that we could stick to the custody agreement word for word if he didn't like how things were now.” In retelling it, Helen could feel herself growing annoyed once again at the thought of Max wanting her parents to reschedule, but ashamed that she had taken it that far. He didn't deserve that. 

“Oh, Helen...” her Mother chastised. 

“No, no, Meyer!” Helen said, quickly standing from her place on the sofa and reaching him just in time to remove his little hands from the piece of pottery he wasn’t supposed to have. She laughed as the baby started fussing, his little face crinkling up in a scowl. “You can be mad if you want! You’re not going to break pottery on the floor.” She placed him in front of his toy basket, handing him a block. “You play with that! This is Mummy's!” 

“Not as fun as things he isn’t supposed to have,” her Mom laughed. “You weren’t too bad about that when you were his age. I think that’s why we stopped with you. We would have never had another baby as well behaved as you were.”

Helen smiled, sitting back down on the sofa. “He gets it from Max. The curiosity, the inability to stay still for more than 2 seconds, the fit throwing….it’s all from his Daddy.” Angry at Max or not, Helen was convinced she had given birth to a small version of him. There were so many things about Meyer that reminded her of Max. “Sometimes I think about if Mohammad and I would have had children. They would have probably been perfectly behaved statues, and here I am with this little wild guy.” She laughed to herself as Meyer squealed out, throwing the block from where he sat on the floor, almost as if he was demonstrating what she had just said. 

“That you wouldn’t trade for anything,” her Mom smiled.

Helen watched as Meyer crawled in her direction. “God, no. I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world.” The little one reached up, taking hold of her as he pulled himself to a standing position. The baby smiled at her, patting her leg with his little hand, so clearly proud of himself. “No,” Helen laughed. “I wouldn’t trade my boy for anything! Even if you do act like your Daddy!” She kissed his little face as he stood on wobbly legs, determined that he wasn't going to fall over. 

“And looks just like him,” her Mom added. “The older he gets, Helen….”

“Oh, I know,” she replied, smiling as the baby grinned at her, his few little teeth visible, and her heart instantly melted. He was absolutely the best thing she had ever done, and no matter how annoyed she might get with Max, she would always be grateful to him for their son. There were rare times she could see herself in one of his facial expressions, but he looked like Max, no matter if friends tried to tell her he was a mix of them both or not. “You do look like your Daddy, don’t you? Yes, you do! Those eyes are nothing but trouble!"

“Did I tell you his Mother keeps in touch with me from time to time? Mohammad, I mean.” That was news to Helen. The last time she had seen or spoken to Mohammad’s family was a few months after his funeral. She had met his parents to give them some of his things, promising to keep in touch, but it had been too painful. “She always wants to know how you’re doing. She was genuinely happy to hear about Meyer.”

Their families had fit together perfectly. It was yet another contrast to the situation she was currently in. Mohammad’s parents loved her as their own, and she had never doubted that for a second. In the months after losing him, she grieved the loss of his family too. She had gone from spending holidays with them, the two of them playing with his little nieces and nephews, to nothing. She could remember wondering when they would add a little one to the mix, and if it would be a boy or a girl. For some reason, when she thought about it, she always pictured them with daughters. Life had vastly different plans. “I’ve thought about reaching out to her,” Helen admitted. “But what would I even say?” 

“You’d tell her what is going on in your life,” her Mom replied. “Honey, nobody expected you to stay single or not move forward. It would have been perfectly acceptable for you to move on with Max. I don’t know if that is what holds you back, but….”

It was almost as if her Mother could read her mind, and it was just as annoying now as it had always been. “Ok, we’re not having this discussion. Max and I are, well….we’re all we can ever be. The ink had barely dried on his divorce papers when we happened, and we were both in a bad place. Our arrangement is the best thing for us and for him, so….” Helen knew her Mother didn’t believe a word of what she said, but thankfully, she let it go. 

“If allowing Meyer to go would keep the peace between you two, then maybe you should,” her Mom suggested. “We can extend our stay so we’d get our time with him. It’s not worth fighting over when there is a simple solution. Your Father and I will be fine, Helen. I promise.” 

“No, Mum,” Helen popped back. “No! I’m not going to take away time with you guys just to appease Max’s Mother! We’ve had this planned for a couple months now, and it’s Dad’s birthday! I refuse to give in on this! Because make no mistake, his Mum is the one behind it. The woman is insufferable!"

“I’m not arguing that she’s insufferable,” her Mom agreed. “I didn’t care for her when we met at your baby shower, but I tried to be polite. I told myself this was new for both of us, and it was a unique situation, but the way she behaved at the hospital….” That was the day Helen knew there was no hope for a relationship with the woman. The one positive she could find in dealing with Max's Mother was knowing how she would never behave when Meyer was older. If he was happy, then she would be happy.

"Then the day you came home from the hospital," her Mother continued, getting more worked up by the second. Instantly, Helen regretted getting her Mother started on the subject. Max's Mother was a topic they could discuss for hours. "You were so tired, trying to recover from having him, he was feeding constantly, and she thought it'd be helpful to come for a lengthy visit! If Max hadn't asked her to leave, I would have done it myself. Your own Father was limiting his visits because he knew it'd be too much!" Memories of Meyer's first week of life were an exhausting blur, and Helen depended on her Mom and Max for almost everything that didn't include taking care of their newborn. Helen didn't have it in her to defend herself against Max's Mother, who thought it'd be helpful to criticize and offer suggestions about everything during that particular visit. She had never witnessed her Mother become truly fed up with someone until that day. 

"Max, however, was wonderful. You cannot deny that. I know the two of us have our differences, but I'll never deny that he was wonderful." Helen couldn't either, nor would she ever try. For Meyer's first three weeks of life, he had stayed at her place and done everything he could to help. He would come in from work exhausted but refuse to stay in bed when she was awake half the night. Those first weeks had been hard, and she knew without him, she would have never made it. "From the beginning, his only concern has been you and Meyer. He has always taken care of you both and put you first. He deserves the same from you. That is what you need to remember here. This isn't about Max's Mother, or us, it's about Meyer's relationship with his Father."

Helen hated it when her Mother made sense. She lifted Meyer into her arms, holding the baby to her as she watched her Mom on the screen in front of them. “Maybe try compromising with him? See if he’ll settle for one night rather than two. I just don’t want you two arguing over things like this. You’ve got a lifetime of dealing with one another, and you should keep the peace where you can.”

Her Mom was right, she was well aware of that, but her pride still hadn’t caught up completely. “I know,” Helen sighed, ashamed that it had gone as far as it had. She would never intentionally hurt Max, the very thought of it hurt her in a way she really couldn't explain. “I'll talk to him about it when I see him Wednesday. What happened to you?!”

“I just don’t want you two at odds,” her Mom laughed. “Especially if we can find a solution. See if he’ll compromise. He might surprise you.” 

“His Mother is still horrible,” Helen replied. 

“Absolutely horrid,” her Mom agreed. “You’ll get no arguments from me on that. I have no idea how Max managed to turn out the way he did.” 

“He’s a lot like his Father,” Helen replied. “That’s how.” While much quieter, Max’s Dad had never made Helen feel anything other than welcomed and respected as Meyer’s Mom. His wife just happened to be much more opinionated. “I guess I should let you go. I need to give him a bath and get him to bed.” 

“Ok,” her Mom smiled. “Let me know how it goes. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Helen replied. She held the baby boy in front of the screen, pointing to her Mom. “Can you tell Nana bye-bye?” The baby giggled in her arms but refused to wave his little hand. “Say we love you, and we’ll see you really soon!” 

They finished their goodbyes, and Helen ended the call. She loved talking with her Mother, but it was always hard saying goodbye. There was a time she was perfectly content being an ocean apart, but since becoming a mother herself, she discovered she needed hers more than ever. “You ready for a bath?” The baby laughed as she tickled his stomach, standing from her place on the sofa. 

She thought about what her Mother said as she went to Meyer’s room, collecting his pajamas and a towel. Compromising with Max had never been one of her strengths. In almost every area of their relationship, it was all or nothing. They were all in or all out. They were both passionate individuals, and together they were often impossible. Still, she knew it was the best thing for their son, so she was willing to try. 

Helen stripped Meyer down to his diaper, laughing as the almost naked baby kicked his legs excitedly. He was always so happy, and that was all that mattered. It didn’t matter how complicated Max’s Mother tried to make things, it wasn’t about her, and never would be. It was about the little boy in her arms. She entered the bathroom, taking a seat on the edge of the tub as she turned the water on. She kissed his head, waiting for it to warm, and held his little hands in hers. "You have the most amazing Daddy," she said to the baby. "And he can drive Mummy a little crazy at times, but he loves you so much." The more she thought about it, the worse she felt about threatening the time Max got with their son. The look on his face when she brought up legal issues was frozen in her mind. It was as if someone had punched him. 

She placed the baby in the tub, tossing a few bath toys in to keep him occupied as she bathed him. The baby boy chewed on one of the toys as she quickly soaped him up, and scrubbed his little arms and legs with a washcloth. “Can I have this?” Helen smiled at him, taking the small toy as she cleaned his hand. Before he could protest, she handed it back and continued with his bath. She leaned down, kissing him on the head as he splashed his little hands in the water. The last thing she wanted to do was make his life more complicated. Everything her Mother said was true, and she couldn't get it out of her mind. If there was one person Meyer loved, it was Max, and she didn’t want to put her feelings before what he needed.  
  
Helen had just gotten shampoo in her hand when she heard knocking at her front door. “What....” She sighed as the knocking continued, grabbing the baby’s towel, and picking him up out of the water. “I swear this better not be who I think it is.” Deep down, she already knew, and she had no idea why she thought he would be ignored for days. She was absolutely ready to smooth things over with him, but it could wait. Tonight she just wanted to get Meyer bathed and to bed, so she could do the same. 

The knocking grew louder as she finally reached the front door, looking through the peephole and closing her eyes in frustration at who she saw on the other side. “I knew it….” She opened the door, stepping aside with the baby in her arms as Max barged in the apartment. “Max,” she said. “Why? I had to get him out of the bathtub. You could have called or texted rather than just coming over here.”

“I did call and text you, Helen,” he replied angrily. It was clear to see his patience was all used up, and she was going to deal with him no matter if she wanted to or not. “You ignored most of them!” 

“Well, I wouldn’t have ignored one saying you were coming over here.” She knew that sounded ridiculous, but he was the one standing in her apartment completely unannounced. “I don’t feel like fighting with you tonight, so if that’s why you’re here….” 

“I’m not here to fight with you,” he said. 

“Then why are you here?!” It was a valid question. They didn’t routinely show up at one another’s places without an invitation. 

She knew the moment he looked at her that he didn't have a good answer. He had reacted as quickly as always and probably hadn't thought of the first thing he was going to say once he arrived. "I don't know, Helen." He finally said. "I don't know." 

The little boy in her arms had been smiling since he spotted Max, so excited to see his Daddy, and she was quickly reminded of who was most important. "Well," she said, walking over and handing Meyer to him. "Since you're here, you can help finish his bath." 

"I can do that," Max smiled, kissing Meyer's cheek. The baby giggled back at him, so clearly happy to be in his arms. "I usually just put him in the shower with me when he's at my place. Much easier." 

Helen turned around as he followed her to the bathroom. "Well," she smirked. "I'm not going to be doing that tonight, Max." 

"Go," Max pointed, laughing in response. "You know that's not what I meant." 

They entered the bathroom in silence, working in perfect sync like they always had. Max put the baby back into the bathwater, kneeling on the floor next to the tub, while she sat on the edge beside him and grabbed the shampoo. The baby kicked his legs in the water as Helen lathered the shampoo in the small amount of hair he had. Meyer was doing his best to wiggle away from the protective hold Max had on him, hating to have his hair washed. "Meyer," Helen said, kneeling next to Max on the bathroom floor so she could reach him better. "This isn't the end of the world," she laughed. "It really isn't!" 

They worked together, neither having to tell the other a single thing when it came to taking care of their son. It had been that way from the moment they met, but it amazed her that it was always as if no time had passed. She finished rinsing the shampoo out of Meyer's hair, standing from where she'd been kneeling to grab his towel. "This one is all wet," she said. "I'm going to grab another one out of his room." In the split second it took her to do that, she heard a splash followed by Meyer crying as she reentered the bathroom. 

"I got you," Max said, picking the baby up immediately, giving no thought to the water now all over his shirt, and held him tightly. "Daddy's got you. You're ok, buddy! It's ok!" 

"What happened?!" Helen said, rushing to look Meyer over for any bumps or bruises. 

Max continued holding him, gently bouncing Meyer in his arms as the baby continued crying. "He tried to pull himself up on the side of the tub and slipped. I caught him before he hit anything. It just scared him." 

It took everything in Helen not to grab the baby from Max, but she stopped herself, determined to let him comfort their son. Her intention was never to undermine his ability as a Father, but it was hard to take a step back and realize she wasn't the only one capable of doing those things. She covered the baby with the towel as Max continued holding him, gently rocking him back and forth as he started to quieten down. "That was pretty scary, huh?" Max said softly to the baby, kissing him on the head. "I think my heart stopped there for a second." 

Helen took Meyer's little hand in hers, kissing it. "He thinks he has to pull himself up on everything. I know he's going to be one of those kids who thinks he has to climb on anything he can." 

Max grinned. "I was a climber, so...."

Helen playfully rolled her eyes, "Of course. Is there anything about him _not_ identical to you?" 

"Few things," Max smiled. 

They made their way out of the bathroom and to the baby's room as the little one calmed completely in Max's arms. He would never know how hard it was for her to let him take the lead, but she knew it was the right thing to do. She handed Max a diaper and pajamas as he laid the baby on the changing table and grabbed a bottle of baby lotion. "I think your Daddy has your whole bedtime routine down," she observed. 

"I do," Max smiled. "This is his favorite part!" She watched on as Meyer smiled as Max rubbed the lotion in on his arms and legs. 

"You want to feed him?" She had every intention of apologizing to him before he left, but allowing him to put Meyer to bed was somewhat of a peace offering. She hoped he would see it that way. 

"If he'll go for it," Max replied. 

"We can try," she said. "I'll go warm a bottle if you're good here?"

"Helen," he smiled, getting Meyer diapered. "I'm fine." 

She left them in the baby's room as she went to the kitchen to get a bottle ready. Having help wasn't something she was used to, and learning to back off was harder than she thought. Still, Max and Meyer deserved those moments together. Opening the fridge, Helen grabbed a bottle off the shelf and popped it in the bottle warmer. Everything her Mom said was true. Max was a wonderful Father and had always put them first. If she had to swallow her pride to prove that to him, she'd do it. 

Helen could hear Max singing softly to Meyer as she entered the nursery once again. That was one of the very first tricks used to get Meyer to settle down when he was a newborn, and almost 9 months later, it still worked like a charm. She handed Max the bottle as she came to stand beside him and watched on as he offered it to Meyer. "You want this?" Max said sweetly, offering the baby the bottle. The little one immediately turned his head, whining when Max tried to give him the bottle again. "No?" The baby started crying once again, pushing the bottle away with his little hand. 

"Maybe if I leave...." Helen suggested. 

"No," Max said, kissing the baby's head. "He wants you. Yeah," he said to the baby. "You want Mommy?" Standing from his place in the rocking chair, Max passed Meyer to her. The little one immediately stopped crying the moment he was in her arms. "Want me to step out?" 

Helen gave him a look, taking a seat in the rocking chair. "I think you've seen it all before, Max," she replied. 

He laughed. "Just didn't want to hang around if you'd be more comfortable if I left." 

She made quick work of getting Meyer situated so he could eat. "You saw me in labor, and you saw him born," she smiled. "If _that_ didn't bother me, this never will." He was actually the last person she would be self-conscious around, though she would never tell him that. "Your shirt...." Helen said, noticing the front was wet from picking Meyer straight up out of the water. 

"Yeahhh..." Max said, looking down. "Guess I need to toss it in your dryer." 

"You can," she replied, running her hand over Meyer's head as he ate. "Or, there's a drawer in my room full of shirts that I may or may not have stolen from you when I was huge and pregnant." 

Max feigned surprise. "You stole my shirts?!" 

"You can have them back," she replied. "They are in the bottom drawer of the dresser, left side. Why didn't you just ask for them back if you knew I had them?!" 

"What am I going to do with a bunch of stretched out t-shirts," he grinned, receiving a kick in the leg from her as she sat in the rocking chair. "I'm kidding. Allowing you to wear my t-shirts was the least I could do since I was responsible for you being unable to fit in yours." 

"Thank you," she replied sarcastically. Helen smiled down at the baby who was busy eating as Max left the room. It was times like this when nothing seemed to have changed between them. The banter they always had as friends returned, and she realized just how much she missed having him in her life in that capacity. The baby in her arms had changed so many things. Helen had no idea when she started to believe all he could be was Meyer's Father, but it happened. She never wanted their son to be confused, but she also knew the wall she had built between them was the cause of most of their problems. 

Max reentered the room, taking a seat on the ottoman directly in front of her. He reached out, holding Meyer's little foot in his hand, and for the first time since they had known one another, Helen couldn't decipher the look on his face. "I owe you an apology," she finally said. 

He looked at her, confused, "Why do you owe me an apology?" That was Max. No matter what she said to him, he never held it against her, and that made her feel even worse at times. 

"For the other night," she replied. "I'm sorry that I said those things to you. You do have a say in what goes on with him, and if I ever made you feel as if you didn't, I'm sorry. I'm just me," she continued. "And sometimes I don't realize how it comes across, so if there is ever a time I make you feel that way, please say something. I have always wanted us to do this together, you need to know that." 

Max smiled. "I know that, Helen. I also know he's a baby, and it's hard since he needs you so much. I get it." 

"Would you be willing to take him for one night that weekend? I promise it has nothing to do with not wanting to switch with you," she explained. "I have no issue switching weekends with you whenever you need. It's just that particular weekend my parents are coming. With that said, I also know your parents deserve time with him. You can get him Friday morning and keep him until Saturday evening if that works?" 

She could tell by the look on his face that he was shocked but grateful. "You sure? We don't have to go if it'll be an issue. I know your parents are coming a long way to see him." They were still dancing around the topic of their Mothers, but Helen was fine to leave that alone for now. It wasn't about them. 

"It's fine," she assured him. "They'll still get their time with him." 

He smiled, remaining quiet for the longest time. "I wouldn't want this with anyone else, ok? I never wanted this with Georgia, and I never want you to think that I did. Having him only made me realize we were right to end our marriage. We probably should have never gotten married in the first place, but that's not the point. The point is, I never wanted this with anyone else, and before you tell me that you know, there had to be a reason you said it the other night. So, if I ever made you feel that way, I'm sorry." 

Rather than tell him how wrong he was, Helen simply accepted the apology. Maybe there was a part of her that subconsciously had that fear. A part of her that feared he would have gone back to his ex-wife had she not gotten pregnant and changed both their lives. A fear she had ruined that for him. At that moment, she decided not to focus on that possibility, and simply believe him. There were many parts of her life she wished she would have experienced with Mohammad, but she could honestly say she had never looked at Meyer and wished for anything different. 

Max reached out, taking hold of the baby's hand. The little one was starting to drift off in her arms. "I think we were both old enough to know he was a strong possibility." 

That could never be denied, and she had been asked that question by more than one person close to her. They had both made it almost 40 years without any surprise pregnancies, so what changed exactly? She had been so careful with Mohammad, knowing they could never be careless in that way. When it came to Max, she seemed to lose all reason. She couldn't even claim it had only been a slip-up here and there. They had repeatedly tempted fate, both fully aware of what they were doing, but neither seemed to have a single concern about it. "I never worried about it, honestly. I know how stupid that sounds, but I never did." 

"I didn't either," he laughed. "Whole time I was married, I did. This was actually one of my biggest fears, having one of these unexpectedly, but I just didn't worry about it with you. I can't explain it, but I didn't. And thank God for that."

Helen smiled, looking down at the baby who had finally drifted off to sleep. "So we're glad we behaved like a couple of young, careless people who were too stupid to know any better?" 

"And then had the nerve to act shocked by it?" Max grinned. "Absolutely." 

She kissed the sleeping baby on the head, "You want to put him to bed? I'm going to start a load of laundry if you want to do that," she told him. "No hurry. Just turn his monitor on before you leave the room."

Max immediately took the sleeping baby from her, cradling Meyer in his arms as he simply stared at him. She stood and kissed the baby on the head before turning to leave them alone in the nursery. The love she saw in Max's eyes whenever he looked at their son only confirmed what her heart had always known. No matter what happened between them, she had chosen the best Father possible for her little boy. Meyer would never doubt for a second that he was wanted and loved.  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because New Amsterdam has given us little to nothing about Helen's past, I had to create my own narrative for this story.

Max sat at his desk, looking through the many pamphlets in front of him. The more he read, the more he wanted to run. This couldn't be his reality. This couldn't happen to someone his age in seemingly good health. Only it had happened, he saw things like this all of the time, and like it or not, he was going to have to deal with it eventually. He'd stopped by Dr. Stauton's office earlier in the day, lying to the receptionist when he requested a "New Patient" packet to give to someone in the ED. Max knew the receptionist thought nothing of it, he did that type of thing often. Always willing to go above and beyond, except when it came to his own health. 

When he started reading, he had no idea just how mind-blowing the information would be before he reached the end. There were so many decisions to make and options to weigh. The one thing he did know was he didn't want to be sidelined by this. He wanted to be there for his son, for the hospital, and for anyone else who needed him. Max didn't have time to focus on himself, only that didn't seem to be an option. It didn't seem to matter what treatment path he chose. They were all horrible and would have him out of commission in no time. 

The one person who could take the information and make perfect sense of it was the one person he couldn't bring himself to tell. Max knew very well she would take those biopsy results and come up with the best plan possible. Helen was an extraordinary physician, able to produce outcomes many Oncologists couldn't. Her philosophy was treating the whole patient, and she threw everything she had at every single case she took on. Only Max couldn't ask her to do that. He couldn't ask her to devote all of her time to helping him make decisions. Her role in all of this would stop as Meyer's Mother. He knew she would argue him about that, but it was the one thing he was absolutely certain of. Someone had to be completely focused on their son. 

He heard a knock and saw his door open as he tried to hide the paperwork on his desk quickly. He looked up, seeing who it was, "Maybe give me a chance to give you permission to enter before you come in?"

Lauren rolled her eyes as she took a seat across from him. "Really, Max?"  
  
She stayed on him daily about telling Helen the truth, and he knew she wouldn't stop until he had done it. It wasn't that he could blame her. If it were him watching anyone else make the decisions he was making, he'd tell them it was a huge mistake. He'd tell them they couldn't possibly do something of this magnitude alone, and to lean on those who wanted to be there. He'd tell them a thousand things he never had any intention of doing himself. "Stopped by and got all of this today," he told her, holding up one of the pamphlets. He felt like it was a step in the right direction, even if she didn't. 

"Did you make an appointment?" Max only had to look at her, and she instantly knew the answer. "That's what I thought. Max," she said, her voice laced with frustration. "Ignoring this is not going to make it go away." 

He knew the response was the wrong thing to say before it ever left his mouth, but he had nothing else. "That'll be on me, won't it?" 

"No," she said, clearly growing more angry by the second. "Actually, it _won't_ just be on you. That's the most selfish thing I have ever heard you say." 

Max sighed, "I'm going to tell her, Lauren. I just need to get everything in order before doing so. I don't want to go to her expecting her to figure it out. When I tell her, I want to be able to follow it up with a plan. I'm not putting any of this on her. That's not fair." 

"No," she replied. "You can tell yourself whatever you want, but don't act as if you're doing this for her. She's one of the strongest people I know, so don't insult her that way. Not in front of me!" 

Her anger was warranted, Max could never deny that. It was wrong to keep this from his family, and Helen was family, but he had to deal with it the only way he knew how. He needed a clear path in place to fix the issue before bringing others into it. He didn't know another way. "I'm not insulting..." 

"How much do you know about her past, Max? I know that you know what happened to her fiancé, but how much do you _really_ know? For your sake, I hope you tell me it isn't much." 

Max knew she meant every word, and he knew she wasn't going to drop the conversation until she got whatever it was off her chest. He knew as much about Mohammad as Helen knew about Georgia. Not very much. They had never really been topics of discussion between them. It wasn't that he didn't want to know those things about her past, but only if she wanted to share it with him. Obviously, she wanted it left exactly where it was. He understood that. His failed marriage wasn't something he liked to dwell on either. "I know the basics," he replied. "Internal medicine. Seemed to be a great guy. They were engaged. He died of a brain aneurysm."

Lauren nodded, satisfied that the stupid things he said earlier may very well be the result of his ignorance. "Helen and I have been friends for a long time," she began. "She was one of the first people here who truly made me feel welcomed when I started. We were as opposite back then as we are now, but we became best friends right away."

Max had no trouble believing that. Helen had welcomed him in much the same way. It never seemed to bother her when he'd ask the same question multiple times, or when he made decisions she knew would never work with the staff, even though he was supposed to have all the answers. He would have never survived those first months without her, and he was sure a big reason most of the staff had accepted him so quickly was because she accepted him. 

"She and Mohammad were together when the two of us met. Not engaged, but living together, so they were serious," she explained. "And he was a great guy, Max. He really was. I have no idea how many nights they allowed me to tag along to dinner with them just because I didn't know very many people here in the city. I don't think I paid for a single meal anytime I went with them. It would have insulted him if I had insisted on paying. One time we had a really bad snowstorm," she continued, smiling at the memory telling him those things conjured up. "It was so bad out. They insisted I come stay at their place so I wouldn't be on the other side of town by myself. They were worried about me getting to and from work alone in that storm. So, I did. I stayed in the guest room of their apartment and didn't even realize how much I needed people until them. They never allowed me to spend holidays alone, they never forgot my birthday, which is more than I can say for my own Mother. They were family to me. Helen still is. As selfless as she is, that was Mohammad. He loved anything that made her happy. Even her friends, like myself, who probably drove him crazy. He was quieter, more reserved, but he was a great guy." 

Hearing about Mohammad was harder than Max thought. He knew it wasn't about him at all, and they were never officially together, but it was hard to know she had given someone else that chance at one time. She had planned to build a whole life with him. One of the few things she had pointed out to him during their time together was how different he was from Mohammad. She had assured him she meant nothing by it, but it had always left him wondering. Those differences may have been too much. 

"Anyway," Lauren said. "They got engaged, set a date, picked a venue, the dress was bought, and my God, it was gorgeous. She would have made the most beautiful bride, but that's not even why I'm telling you all of this...." 

Max had never known they had gotten that close to walking down the aisle. He knew they were engaged, but that is all Helen had ever told him. He had no idea they had put money and hours into planning things. He had no idea there was a date, somewhere on the calendar, that had to remind her of everything that could have been. A date that had to be hard to make it through year after year. The small amount of envy he felt at the beginning of their conversation had quickly given way to concern for her. 

"It was cold that morning," Lauren remembered. "It was in November, not long before Thanksgiving. That annoying time of year when most everyone is happy. I was running late that morning, but Helen was in the ED when I got there, she had been called down for a consult. Casey and I were standing at the nurse's station when she came up and said Mohammad had collapsed on his morning run, and they had taken him to Lenox Hill. She was totally calm, totally Helen, she had no idea the severity. Neither did I. I thought it was maybe blood pressure or glucose, nothing too serious, but something told me to go with her. She insisted she'd be fine, but I had this overwhelming feeling that I _had_ to go with her." 

The most he knew about Mohammad's death was exactly what he had told Lauren. The only details she had ever given him was the cause. Helen never talked about it any further. Most people probably didn't even know she'd lived through such a thing. As badly as he didn't want to hear whatever Lauren had to tell him, he knew there was no getting away from it. The thought of anything hurting her, intentional or not, was almost more than he could stomach. 

Lauren shifted in her chair, getting more comfortable before she continued. "We got there, and they immediately took us into a room. When they told us what happened, it didn't register at first, and it registered with me before it did her. We had no time to process before they were directing us up to CCU. I was doing everything I could to hold it together because I knew he was gone. Helen knew, I think, but it hadn't hit her at that point. She was so stoic, just the way you'd imagine her to be. We got to CCU and could see him through the glass doors of his room. They took Helen in by herself, and I walked down the hallway a bit to give some privacy. I heard her before I ever saw her. Once she heard the truth seeing him in front of her, she finally broke down. The brain aneurysm had caused a massive hemorrhagic stroke. He had never regained consciousness and was posturing. It was the absolute worst-case scenario. They told her there was no hope, and she needed to contact anyone who wanted to say their goodbyes." 

Max was fighting back tears of his own listening to what she had been through. He shared a child with her, but had no idea the details of what she had experienced. He had no idea the details of a tragedy that had to have played a major part in shaping the woman he knew. He would never know the woman she was before, and though she was perfect to him exactly the way she was, he couldn't help but wonder what parts of her would be different. "Lauren..."

"No," she cut him off, determined to continue. "You are going to hear this, Max. I helped her call his parents and siblings. I called her parents myself. They all got the first flight here they could. It was agreed they would discontinue life support the next day once everyone had a chance to see him and say their goodbyes. Helen, of course, wouldn't leave him. So, a group of us slept in the CCU waiting room that night. There was nothing we could do, but we had to be there for her. It was the worst night. You couldn't sleep, you couldn't eat, all you could think about was what she was going to face the next day." Lauren wiped a few tears from her face, looking at Max with a determination he had never seen before. "The nurses allowed her to stay in his room, and they moved him in bed so she could be there next to him. And she did, the entire night. She didn't leave for anything. She wouldn't eat. The next morning, after his family arrived, and they all had their time with him, she signed the papers, and they turned his life support off. It didn't take long after that. He was gone pretty quick." 

It made him sick to his stomach to think about what she had to do. He always knew decisions had most likely been made by her, but he had no idea she is the one who had to ultimately decide to let him go. Aside from saying he died, she just didn't speak about it. Max understood why. It didn't matter how strong a person was, having to make a decision like that was enough to break anyone. 

"I'll spare you details of his actual death and funeral," Lauren said, finally taking some pity on him. He was positive she could see the unshed tears in his eyes, and despite his stupidity at how he was handling his own health, she knew that it hurt him to hear Helen had been through such heartbreak. "I stayed with her for a while after he died, and it wasn't good, Max. The Helen I had known for years was gone. She was a shell of the person I called my best friend. Nights were the worst. She always broke down at night, and there was nothing I could do for her. The only thing I could do was sit with her and listen to her cry. She was convinced that she should have seen it coming. She was convinced there was some outward sign that she missed. She needed to blame anything she could for his death, and blaming herself was easier than admitting that sometimes nonsensical things just happen." Lauren paused, taking a break before continuing on. "That broke her, Max. The Helen you met, the one who didn't care as much about medicine and spent most of her time jetting all over the globe? That is what happened to her." 

There were things about her that were suddenly making sense. For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why such a brilliant doctor wanted to do so much publicity. She would rather travel all over the world to discuss the very things she should be back at work doing, but he believed her when she would always tell him that someone had to raise funds for the hospital. Sure, New Amsterdam benefited from it during her tenure there and would forever be indebted to her, but it made very little sense to him. Max could remember the shock in everyone else when she had decided to stick around more, focused on helping him get established in his new position. He always assumed it was painfully obvious that he needed someone to help him navigate the mess he'd taken on. "I had no idea what time of year it happened," he said in disbelief. It wasn't the detail to focus on, he knew that, but his mind hadn't even started processing all Lauren had told him. "Right before the holidays. Not that anytime is good, but....." 

"It was horrible," Lauren said. "She still struggles a lot around that time of year. If you don't know her past, you'll never notice or even know why if you do, but she does." 

"We got pregnant with Meyer right around that time," Max said. "There were a few weeks where she wanted me to stay over every night, so I did. I thought things might be moving in a better direction, then the next thing I knew, she was telling me we needed to just remain friends. We didn't need to complicate it any more than we already had." He knew that Lauren was well aware that isn't how he wanted things to turn out between them, but he respected her decision. He thought they were growing closer, but she had just needed someone. 

"She may have been needy around that time and then got freaked out, but we both know she wasn't using you for anything, Max. You have to know that." He did know that, but it made the sudden change in her around that time make more sense. "After he died, seeing death made it worse," Lauren continued. "Losing patients made it worse. So, she ran and she didn't stop running until the day you walked in. It wasn't that she rediscovered her love of medicine, she never really lost it, this place was just so intertwined with the memory of him. It wasn't that she got tired of traveling so much, it was you. And God knows I have no idea why, and she would never admit it to me, but the thing that _finally_ pulled her back from wherever she was.....was you!" 

"I think you're giving me too much credit," Max replied. 

"I think you don't want to hear what I'm saying to you," Lauren popped back. He could tell she wasn't going to back down. "I think you don't want to know you mean _that_ much to her because then you'd have to feel some responsibility about what you're doing right now. You aren't protecting her by keeping this a secret! You are laying the groundwork for something that could destroy her, Max. You are taking away her chance to do all she can to help you. Keeping this from her is making her a victim to whatever happens, and as helpless as the day Mohammad died. And yeah, she loved him, Max. She loved Mohammad, but it's something entirely different with you and if that little boy you two share doesn't make you see that, then I can't help you!" 

Max sat there speechless. He had no idea what to say. For the first time in as long as he could remember, he had no rebuttal. He had no defense. "You know how I feel about her." 

"Then act like it," she replied. "Because I swear, Max, the possibility of losing you is going to hurt her, but if she loses you knowing she never had a chance to do something about it, that is going to break her in a way I don't think I can witness. I have faith you are going to be fine, but we have to be realistic, and the reality is you are going to destroy her and then expect her to carry on and raise your son." 

"Her ability to take care of Meyer has nothing to do with me," he said. 

Lauren stood from her place in front of him. "You're an asshole, you know that? A real asshole."

"Lauren," he said. "That isn't what I meant...." 

"If you're hell-bent on keeping this from her, there is nothing I can do, but don't pretend it's for her own good. And don't pretend that she doesn't need you. She's the mother of your son, Max! A son you two morons created because you love one another, not because you were just hooking up, and having a good time. I love you both, you know that I do, but you two are so blind it's painful! So, please have more respect for Meyer than to just expect his Mother to go along with whatever plan you've cooked up in your head and then clean up the mess after it inevitably blows up in your face." 

He sat there in silence, unable to think of a single response. He had always known Lauren was outspoken, but he had never been on the receiving end. One thing was certain, she was fiercely protective of Helen, and that prevented him from being angry at the moment. "I'll speak to you again once she tells me that she knows," Lauren said, slamming his office door on the way out. 

Max had no idea how much time had passed before he finally stood from his desk, gathering some work to take home, and exited his office before he could really think about what he was going to do. He never planned to tell her this way, on a random night in the middle of the week after she had worked all day, but he couldn’t stand leaving her in the dark any longer. Lauren had made him realize things, even if harshly, that he had never thought about. She had told him things about Helen that he’d never known. Things he never thought to ask. It wasn’t that he didn’t wonder about the details of Mohammad’s death, but he figured she would tell him if she wanted to talk about it. She never had. The one thing he did know was that he couldn’t add to the heartbreak she had already experienced, not intentionally, at least. 

He quickly got a taxi, giving the driver her address and did his best not to lose his nerve before he got there. There was no good way to tell someone you have cancer. There is no good way to turn their life upside down along with yours. Max knew she would be upset, that was to be expected, but he hoped she could understand why she hadn’t been the first person he confided in. It was never to hurt her. She had to know he’d never hurt her. 

The things Lauren told him had been hard to listen to, and it was all he could think about as he rode along in silence. She could never know the conversation had taken place, but he wanted so badly to promise her she’d never go through those things again. Only he couldn’t. He knew very well that she could easily suffer the same fate by knowing him as she had with Mohammad, and he wanted to be selfless enough to wish she'd never met him, but he couldn't. Meeting her was the day his life truly began. For the first few days, all Max could think about was everything he would miss out on if things didn’t turn out the way he hoped they would. Now, the only thing on his mind was leaving Helen to navigate life without him, doing her best to raise Meyer how they’d both want. It didn't matter that they weren't together. He was supposed to be there. He promised her he'd always be there. 

At the time she’d ended things between them, and insisted they were better off as friends, he’d been so confused. It was no secret he had fallen for her. Max had never said those exact words, but deep down, he knew she had to know. In the few weeks leading up to that day, she had been different, carefree almost. They had gone from limiting the nights they spent together each week, so careful to never show up to work at the same time, to spending every night together. It was as if that final part of her that insisted she wasn’t interested in anything serious had finally taken a backseat, and for once, she was letting her heart guide her. They couldn’t get enough of one another, and when he thought back, Meyer really had no choice but to happen. If he was being truly honest with himself, he really hadn't been all that surprised when she told him she was pregnant. The real surprise, finding out she wasn’t interested in more and thought they should end it, had come before that news had even been discovered. 

The distance he still felt between them seemed to happen around the same time. Helen told him she was pregnant and immediately followed it up with every reason why he didn’t have to be involved. She didn’t need his help financially or logistically. Plans had already been made for her to leave New Amsterdam. He stood in the living room of his apartment and listened to her assure him she didn’t need him, and his only thought was being grateful she was having the baby. Max had no idea how he could possibly add a baby to his life, and in the months leading up to Meyer's arrival, he had dreaded those changes with everything in him, but he had never considered walking away. He never had any intention of not being there. Not even for a second. 

He was lost in his thoughts when the driver interrupted the silence, telling him they’d arrived. Max quickly paid and exited the car, knowing it was now or never. He didn’t care about himself anymore, his only concern was her, and he was slowly realizing that it didn’t matter if he told her now or later, it would hurt like hell either way. 

Max exited the elevator on her floor, making his way down the hall, taking deep breaths as he went. He knocked on her door, knowing she would probably react to him just showing up tonight the same way she did the last time he’d come over unannounced. It was becoming a habit. 

The moment she opened the door, he could tell she would have looked shocked if she hadn’t been dealing with something else. Meyer was perched on her hip, his little face breaking out into the biggest smile, but he could tell she had been crying. Even though he knew it wasn’t the case, for a split second, Max prayed Lauren hadn’t left his office and called her. She had been angry enough to do it, but he knew she never would. Without saying a word, Helen stepped back and opened the door fully, allowing him in.

Before he could say anything, she passed Meyer to him. “How’s my guy?” The baby laughed as Max held him up in the air, bringing him down to kiss his face. “Yeah, how’s my boy?” He didn’t think he would ever stop being amazed at how much he could love one little person. It didn’t matter how bad his day was, what horrible news he was carrying around, the moment he saw their little boy, everything was right again. 

Max took a seat on the sofa, still holding Meyer, as Helen went to the kitchen. “What’s the matter with Mommy?” The baby grinned at him, reaching up to touch his face, and Max kissed his little hand. “I’ve missed you so much. Yeah, I have!" He looked around at the living room covered in baby toys, and could almost see Meyer dragging them to various spots in the room as he crawled along. It was one of his favorite things to do. "Looks like you've been busy this evening!" He stood from his place on the sofa, taking a seat among the toys scattered on her living room floor, and placed the baby in front of him. Max smiled as the little one immediately crawled to a toy that made every kind of annoying sound one could imagine. Meyer grinned at him, pushing one of the buttons with his tiny finger. "Is that your favorite one?! The more noise the better, huh?" 

“I quit my job today,” Helen said as she came back into the living room carrying two bottles of water. “I didn’t know if you wanted anything to drink....."

Max watched on in disbelief as she nonchalantly placed the water on the coffee table, taking a seat as if she hadn't dropped that bomb on him. "You quit your job,” he said back to her. There was no way he heard her correctly. Absolutely no way. 

Helen watched as Meyer crawled over to the coffee table, reaching to pull himself up. "You think you're the biggest boy, don't you? Your Daddy, Grandpa, and Gram should have a fun time with you at a cabin trying to keep you out of everything." The baby grinned, babbling back to her as she spoke to him. "Yeah, you'll keep them busy!" She quickly took a drink before turning her attention back to Max. “Yes,” she answered. “I quit my job today.”

Max had no idea what to say. He had no idea what she wanted him to say. It wasn’t as if it was really any of his business. At times, he forgot and felt as if it should be, but it really wasn't. Helen could go without working for a long time before she would ever get close to needing a source of income. As soon as other hospitals heard she was available, Max knew the offers would come pouring in. “What happened?” He could tell she was trying to hold herself together in front of him, but whatever happened had obviously upset her a great deal. “Helen, you know you can talk to me. Or we can just sit here and watch him. Whatever you need.” 

She looked over at him, smiling softly, and he knew that offer meant more to her than anything else he could have possibly said. “Do you ever find that the whole world looks different now that we have him? And not just that everything that was once in black and white before him is now in color. I mean things that you have been so certain of for years, now suddenly looks completely different.” 

Max smiled, watching as Meyer sat himself down from his standing position, distracted by another toy close by. That was a perfect description. The very moment he saw their son for the first time, he also saw the world in a completely different light. Nothing had looked the same since. “Think that’s kind of the story of my life. Never thought I wanted to be a Dad, and then he came along.” 

“Not like that,” she quickly said. “At work. Do you find things that were easier to deal with before harder now?”

“Sometimes,” he admitted. “If I’m helping in the ED and a kid comes in, I have a hard time putting the thought that he or she is someone’s Meyer out of my head. Yeah, for sure.” 

“Exactly,” she said. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. I’ve always loved Pediatrics. It’s one of the few places hope actually exists in the field of Oncology, you know? For every loss, there are so many success stories. Getting updates on patients who have gotten better and gone on with their lives keeps you going.” She paused, smiling as Meyer squealed out as he crawled as fast as he could toward her. She picked him up, kissing his little face. "I love you," she said. "Did you show Daddy the toy Gram got for you?" Max knew she must be talking about the annoying piece of plastic he'd encountered earlier, and it wasn't lost on him that she made certain he knew his mother had purchased it. "I think it needs to go to his house! Yeah, maybe Daddy should take it to his house, because if Mummy hears that song one more time...."

Max laughed, smiling as Meyer giggled in response. "Mommy doesn't know what toys are good, does she?" The baby nearly launched himself out of her arms, reaching for him. "She doesn't know!"

"Da..da...da..." Meyer babbled, smiling that same little smile that melted him every time. 

"Yeah," Helen laughed. "You're my boy until your Daddy shows up, and then I'm yesterday's news." Helen smiled, placing the baby back on the floor, both of them unable to take their eyes off the little one who could get where he wanted to go much faster than either of them were ready for.

"You were saying?" He couldn't leave without knowing what happened.

"Sorry," Helen said. "I started noticing that things were different when I was pregnant with him. I can remember having an appointment with some parents, and the whole time I was giving them the most devastating news imaginable, he was full of life and kicking like crazy in my belly. That’s when I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. That’s the moment I knew separating my personal feelings from the job was going to be harder than I thought.” 

Max knew she had struggled with the very things she was telling him about now for a while. He knew she had done her best to navigate away from Pediatric Oncology for a bit, focusing her time and energy on her adult patients and the research needed to help them. “I think that’s understandable, Helen. He does make it much harder. I would see him in every patient and us in every set of parents. I wouldn’t be able to prevent it.” 

“I can’t! I mean, look at him, Max. He is everything right in this world, and knowing those parents feel the same way about their children,” Helen said, becoming tearful once again. “I can’t figure out a way to separate it, so I talked to my director about it, who had very little sympathy for me because she has children. Older children, but children nonetheless.” 

“Yeah,” Max said, smiling as Meyer crawled back to him, doing his best to climb on his lap. “But how clinical is she, really?" He asked, lifting Meyer into his arms. "She’s in administration. I could stay away from patients the majority of the time if I chose to do so.”

“She's very rarely involved with the clinical side of things,” Helen replied. “Several weeks ago, I was added to an interdisciplinary team solely focused on DIPG.” The moment Max heard that his face fell. It didn't get much worse. He didn't have to be an Oncologist to know that. “After telling her all that I did, she brought my name up when they were putting it together. I will be one of the Oncologists solely focused on the treatment of these patients, the clinical trials, the research, the funding. That's a big part of what my trip to California was for. Max, there is still no effective treatment for that type of brain tumor and essentially no chance of survival. It has a 1-year survival rate of 10% and less than 1% survival rate for 5 years. It is more or less a certain death sentence. You know upon diagnosis that in less than a year, that child will be gone.”

It made Max sick to think about it. He didn’t work anywhere around it, and the thought of something like that happening to Meyer was too much. From an administrative standpoint, he could understand why Helen had been chosen. She was brilliant, innovative, and absolutely the one you wanted on your side if publicity and fundraising was needed. It made perfect sense, but he could never ask a physician to devote their time to something they didn't want to be involved in. Eventually, it would come to a pointless end, just as this situation had. 

“I’ve been doing this a few weeks now, and there are no good conversations with parents. You never end the appointment with anything other than dread in the pit of your stomach for what that family is about to experience,” she continued. “There is this moment,” she said. “No matter what type of cancer is obviously going to win, it’s the same moment. When you tell parents the facts, the first thing you see is their minds frantically searching for any way to fix it. You know they are running through the possibility there is something out there we haven't tried, they are running through finances, they are running through upending their entire life to do whatever they have to do to save their child. They are praying I don't know what I'm talking about and that there is someone else out there who could do what we couldn't. It's everything I would feel if it were him. They don’t say anything, but you know they aren’t listening, so you give them a moment before you drop the rest of it on them.” 

Before Meyer, Max probably wouldn't have been able to understand. Now that he was a father, he knew he would move heaven and earth, go through hell, do anything to save his son. There were no limits to what he would do to protect the little boy in his arms. He would give his life in an instant, so knowing there were parents who sat there feeling the same way he did yet being completely helpless broke his heart. 

Helen wiped tears from her eyes, struggling to keep it together. “And then that moment always comes,” she said. “That moment of resignation, and Max, it’s the most horrible thing you’ll ever witness, and I just can’t do it anymore. I cannot look at another parent and tell them their baby is going to die.”

Max had no idea how she had done it as long as she had. He could remember being amazed at how she handled some of the worst moments in someone’s life. Even though she was delivering what was most likely the worst news they’d ever receive, there was something comforting about the way she did it. He knew that no matter what, those patients never felt alone. They knew they were more than just a number to her. 

“I have struggled since I found out this was happening, and today I finally went to her and told her I just couldn’t do it,” Helen explained. “I have no interest in this area of the department. She didn’t care. I may as well have been talking to a brick wall. So,” she said. “I tendered my resignation effective immediately, and for the first time in my entire career, I have no job.”

Max looked at her, “You always have a job, Helen. We would take you back in a second.” 

She smiled at him, obviously appreciative of the gesture, but unwilling to accept it. “I just don’t think working together again is the best thing for us, and I don’t mean that negatively, it’s just….” 

“No,” Max replied. “I understand. Just know you always have a job. You never have to take it, but it’s always there.” He understood her reservations, even if he didn't believe they existed. They somehow managed to figure out co-parenting, so Max had faith they could figure out how to work together again, but he respected her decision. 

“I know,” she said, sincerely. “I appreciate it. I just feel like you being my boss and us having him would make things a little complicated."

"What?!" He smiled. "You don't think I'd be tough on you? Have all kinds of unrealistic expectations? There's no way I'd show any favoritism."

Helen playfully rolled her eyes, "Just like you didn't before, right?" They both knew she could have done anything she wanted, and he would have given her his blessing. If she wanted it, she got it, and Max was certain that had been obvious to everyone. "I think right now I’m going to take a couple weeks to just be home with him, clear my mind, and then I’ll see what’s out there. I have contacts all over the place."

“So, you’d be willing to relocate?” It wasn’t the time to ask, but he had to. There was nothing he could do if she decided to move, there was nothing he would ever do to her where Meyer was concerned, but he hoped like hell it wouldn't come to that. 

“Max,” she said. “I will _never_ take him away from you. Ever, ok? So let that be the first and last time you even think about that. No, I'm not willing to relocate.” 

It was amazing to him just how quickly things changed. He had come over tonight to tell Helen everything that was going on with him, and instead, he was left feeling as if there was absolutely no way he could put that on her right now. Meyer had settled in his arms, sucking his thumb and growing more heavy-eyed by the minute. "We've got a sleepy one over here," he smiled, kissing the baby's head.

"He needs to eat before he goes to bed or he'll be awake in a couple hours," Helen said. "Not that I have anywhere to be in the morning, so it doesn't matter if he keeps me awake half the night." 

"Helen..." 

"No," she said, laughing sarcastically. "No, it's ok. You came over for a reason, and then I just threw all of this on you, I'm sorry." 

Max smiled softly, "Just came to see him. I hope that was ok?" The look on her face told him if she wasn't so exhausted from her day that she probably would have questioned his answer. He didn't routinely show up near Meyer's bedtime to see him. "I know you're tired, so I'll get going." 

"You're fine," she promised him. "I still have to feed him and then get a shower before I can even think about going to bed."

Max stood from his place on the floor, holding Meyer in his arms. "I can feed him while you get a shower." She very rarely had help, so he knew it was hard for her to accept any offered. It had always been that way. Even when Meyer was a newborn, and she was recovering herself, she resisted help. He was worried about one thing when he walked through the door, and he'd be worrying about something entirely different when he walked out. He would tell her what was going on and give her the chance to get him on the best course of treatment, but not tonight. He simply couldn't throw that on her tonight. 

Helen looked at the baby, contemplating her answer. "I don't know if he'll go for it," she said, exhaustion in her tone. "You know how he was last time we tried this. I'd rather just feed him and save time." 

"You won't be around," Max reasoned. "You'll be taking your time getting a shower, and he'll be with me." Before she could rattle off another reason why it would never work, he made his way to the kitchen. "You can show Mommy how you can take your bottle like a big boy, yeah?" He kissed the baby on the head, taking a bottle out of the fridge, and placing it in the bottle warmer. He knew his way around her place as if it were his own. "Yeah, Mommy needs some time to herself, so us guys will hang out for a while, how's that sound?" 

He turned to see Helen standing at kitchen island, watching them with tears streaming down her face. She may have started out trying to collect herself, but she had quickly lost the battle, and it broke his heart seeing her upset. He had never been able to deal with seeing her upset. "Helen," he said, softly. Without saying a word, he walked over and wrapped an arm around her, holding Meyer in the other. 

"It just hit me that his daycare was through my work and now he'll have to start all over somewhere else." Max rarely saw her that upset, and he knew exhaustion was playing the biggest part in all of it. Still, it upset him to see her that way. She worried about Meyer when there was absolutely no reason to worry. He had just turned 9 months old. A new daycare might be rough at first, but he would adjust. He kept his arm around her, feeling relief as she finally rested her head against his chest. "Helen," he said sweetly. "It's going to be ok. You don't need to worry about any of that tonight. Take some time to yourself, I'll feed him, and then sit with him until you're finished." 

"I can't ask you to do that," she replied, pulling away from him. "It's late and I know you've worked all day."

Max left her standing there, walking over to get Meyer's bottle from the warmer. "I'd do it for any of my friends, Helen, so why can't I do it for you?" 

He could see the moment she finally gave in, and watched as she walked toward them to give Meyer a kiss. "You be a good boy for Daddy, ok?" She kissed the baby on the cheek. "Thank you," she told him, finally making her way out of the kitchen and to her bedroom. 

Max sighed, thankful she finally allowed him to help. He had no idea why she fought it so much, but she always had. He imagined she always would. "Ok, buddy, let's just do this without any trouble, ok? Mommy needs some time to herself." He placed the nipple of the bottle to Meyer's mouth and smiled as the baby greedily accepted it. "There you go! Good job!" He kissed the baby's head, slowly walking back to the living room with him and taking a seat on the sofa. Not telling Helen had nothing to do with thinking she couldn't handle it, no matter what Lauren might believe. It was about knowing a person had limits, and today, Helen had reached hers. They would figure it all out. Her job, his cancer, their lives, all of it. None of it had to happen tonight. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned in the beginning, a few plot points are canon, but most are not.

Some moments can never be forgotten. No matter how good or bad, time simply freezes, and every detail from that very second is committed to memory forever.

No matter how hard she tried, Helen would never forget that crisp November morning when her entire world was knocked off its axis. Over 3 years later, the things she could remember from that day made little sense to her. The bed number of the patient she was seeing when the call came through, their name, chief complaint, and the strong smell of the man’s cologne. Helen could remember nurses, doctors, and other staff members all going about their normal lives at that precise moment, completely oblivious to the hurricane that was blowing through her own.

She remembered Lauren insisting that she was coming along, and no matter how much she protested, her best friend wouldn’t be discouraged. Allowing her to come made it seem more real. Allowing her to be there made it seem as if she was admitting she would need someone when the only person she needed was him. The ride to the hospital seemed to take twice as long as it normally would have, and every second that passed without seeing Mohammad’s name appear on her phone only made the dread sink in more and more. If there was any way possible, Helen knew he would be calling to reassure her that he was fine, and it was all a huge overreaction. 

The older doctor who told her Mohammad would never regain consciousness was someone she would never forget. She remembered his name, the sound of his voice, and the comfort he offered, even though he didn’t have to take that extra step. It had been that doctor who changed the way she practiced medicine and dealt with loss when it came to patients. Part of her job was delivering devastating news, and as unfortunate as that was, he taught her there was a right way to go about it. There was a human way. There was a way to do it that showed the family their loved one wasn’t just a number. There was a way to do it that showed those people on the other side of the nightmare their loved one mattered. The hopes and dreams dying along with their loved ones truly mattered.

The sound of the machines keeping Mohammad alive as she spent the last night she would ever spend with him still replayed in her mind if she thought about it long enough. Helen could anticipate every life-giving breath from the ventilator, the rise and fall of his chest as she kept her hand over his heart still beating so strong and such a contrast to their reality. As exhausted as she felt, she knew she had to fit a lifetime of things she needed to tell him into one night. As the hours passed, she found herself reminiscing about the time they had together. The day they met, the day Mohammad had nervously asked her out on a date so sure she'd turn him down, the first time they'd said those three words to one another, the first apartment they'd finally agreed on after weeks of looking, and so many other moments that would be forever etched in her memory.  


The things she promised him as they lay in that dark CCU room on their final night together would never truly leave her. No matter how much time passed, she’d always look back and see the unfinished life of a remarkable man who had changed her in so many ways. When she promised him she would somehow find a way to be happy, knowing that is all he ever wanted for her, she didn’t really believe that would ever happen. She just needed to say it before she let him go. For so long, she believed his was the only match to her soul. She didn’t want anyone else, she didn’t want to be a Mother to anyone else’s children, she didn’t want her story going on without him. The final hours spent with him seemed to fly by, and in many ways, she felt like the last shred of life in her would go with him. 

Helen wished she could say the last image she had of Mohammad was one full of life. She wished she could think of him and picture that dark-haired, chocolate brown-eyed wonder who had captured her heart in a way no other man ever had before. She wished she could hear his laugh, the way he said her name when he pretended to be annoyed, and the feel of his arms wrapped around her. She wished those memories overpowered those of his final moments, but they didn’t. 

For so long, all Helen could see when she thought about him were those last minutes they’d ever have together. She could hear the heartbreaking sound of his Mother wailing as they waited for his life to slip away. She could still feel her Mother’s hold on her as she sobbed from her place next to him, holding him and hoping that somehow he could feel her there. She could remember looking at the monitor and seeing his heart rate slow down, 95….62….47….33….and when she finally had to look away. She couldn’t watch him die on a monitor. She bravely kept her eyes locked on his face, bluish in color, and so unlike the man she had planned to spend the rest of her life with, and saw the very moment he left her. 

For weeks after his death, she walked through life, not really feeling the magnitude of what she’d experienced. The only peace she had was the brief moment every morning when she woke right before she remembered that he was really gone. She would never see him again, never hear his laugh, never fuss at him for eating in bed or drinking straight out of the milk carton. She would never again when it came to him, and it was more than her heart could process or handle. It was more than she wanted to survive. 

Mohammad was in everything she did and everywhere she went. She could see him standing in the doorway of her office, that look on his face that always told her he was up to something and ready to get her involved. She could see the sadness on their friends' faces whenever she was around, and it made her feel as if her presence was too heavy. Their favorite places became ones she avoided, their favorite meals became something she couldn't stomach, and their pictures became too painful to look at. Leaving New York was never really an option, but escaping as much as possible became her survival. 

When she traveled for work, nobody knew her or what she had been through. They met Dr. Helen while she kept Dr. Sharpe very much protected, unwilling to show even a hint of her true self. She didn’t have to pretend around perfect strangers. They had no idea she had lost her fiancé tragically and considered herself damaged goods. The men who approached her had no idea they never had a chance. The people she met had no idea she was simply existing until one day she wouldn’t anymore. Whatever preconceived ideas they had about her or narrative they came up with once they interacted with her, was better than the shell of a person she truly was. 

Simply existing was all she had known until that Monday morning she happened to be at New Amsterdam before her flight left later in the day. A department meeting she considered skipping out on brought her there before she was off again for another week elsewhere in the world. Something as insignificant as an hour-long meeting changed her entire life. 

Helen could recall exactly where she was standing the first time she saw him. That brown-haired, handsome guy who couldn’t possibly be much older than her if at all. He was following Dora around, clearly overwhelmed, and she knew he had to be the one. The guy who honestly thought he could come in and somehow save the oldest public hospital in America. Men who had careers longer than he had been alive had been unable to do it, so Helen had no idea why he thought his time there would be different. She had no idea why the guy who had the kindest eyes and warmest smile made her care about something else for the first time in forever. She had no idea why he was the person who made her see she still had life left in her, but meeting Max that morning in the lobby saved her.   


There wasn’t a single thing about him that reminded her of Mohammad. Not really. Mohammad had always been so careful, calculated, obsessed with planning his every move. He was a perfectionist that focused on the most basic aspects of whatever he was working on. Max got an idea one second and ran with it the next. If the idea was good, he assumed everything else would somehow fall into place. And much to her surprise, it usually did. To most, Mohammad was serious and no-nonsense. Helen knew a different side of him, but it was a side only those close to him got to experience. Max believed laughter was the best medicine. He was always happy, always smiling, and always looking on the bright side even if doing so was completely insane. He drove her crazy in the very best way. The guy who'd come in her office without knocking, and thought nothing of it. The guy who would sit down, no matter what else was going on, and want to know what was on her mind. Mohammad respected the side of Helen who didn’t always want to share immediately. He respected she kept things close and would open up when ready. Max came into her life like a boulder, ready, and willing, to knock whatever reservations she had about becoming his friend out of the way. 

Despite their differences, Helen felt as safe with Max as she always had with Mohammad. He would do anything for her without hesitation. He so quickly worked his way into the remnants of her shattered heart that it terrified her. With Max, she didn't have to pretend. He knew heartbreak, he understood having an entire future ripped away suddenly, and he respected there were things she simply couldn't talk about. He didn't look at her as if she could break at any second. He accepted her exactly the way he found her, and never expected more than she could give. She tried to tell herself they were both adults who had complete control over what was happening between them. It was just sex. They were two friends who desperately needed a break from the heaviness in their lives, so they turned to one another. Nothing more, nothing less. She told herself that until she couldn't anymore.

It wasn't just sex. It had never been just sex. They never had to say it, but she knew, and it didn’t take her long to realize the little boy they had created that random night in November said it for them. He was everything they were both too afraid to say and too afraid to feel.

He was love. 

From the moment she found out she was pregnant, Helen knew he would be there. No matter how many hours she spent telling herself otherwise, planning for a life without him, deep down, she knew Max would never leave. He didn’t have it in him to walk away. There was absolutely no way he could have a son or daughter in the world that he didn’t know. There was never any chance of Max not loving that little person with his whole heart. 

There were times she couldn’t help but wonder how Mohammad would have been if it had been them preparing for a little one. She could imagine him researching everything from baby furniture to the best schools, all the way to the quickest route to the hospital from their apartment. He would have known everything down to the smallest details, but he would have never paid attention to the things Max had. He would have never worried about the things Max worried about. The things that endeared Max to her so much in the months leading up to their son’s arrival and the things that let her know he would be an amazing father. 

Max had always been honest about the things she was used to Mohammad keeping close. He was honest about his fears when it came to raising their son. When he lost his twin sister, so much of his childhood had gone with her. For years after her death, his parents merely went through the motions. He didn’t blame them, but he had been honest about the fact he didn’t lean on them for support the way he should have been able to. If they asked, he was always fine. His grades were always excellent because he couldn’t burden them with anything less. He kept out of trouble so they wouldn’t have to deal with those consequences. He didn't expect them at every school or extracurricular event he had because he knew seeing his peers reminded them so much of Luna. Max accepted things about his childhood that she never could, but she had listened without giving an opinion. The one thing she could never ignore was the way the light went out of his eyes when he spoke about that time in his life. 

They were sitting in the middle of the nursery one night as he assembled baby furniture when she learned his main support system growing up had been his Grandfather. The love Max had for him was obvious, even years after that loss, and she knew a man she would never have the chance to meet was responsible for the amazing father her little boy would have. It was the same night Max had suggested naming their son Meyer, and she had let him down as easy as she possibly could, unable to imagine her son with that name. Still, some part of her had known. Some part of her had known the little boy moving and kicking in her belly had come with that name, and the choice had never really been theirs to make. He had always been Meyer. 

Helen had been broken for so long, that she didn't think anything could truly heal those parts of her. Nothing short of a miracle could put those shattered pieces of her heart back together. Life had gone on, and she had even been able to find good in it, but she had long accepted the person she was _before_ would never exist again. She no longer knew the person who had been able to give her entire heart to someone else so freely. The only person she knew was the one who had somehow managed to pick herself up and go forward, protecting herself as best she could. The person who had to have control of every situation. The person who absolutely would not allow herself to get in a position that could end in heartbreak. 

It wasn't until that unseasonably hot day in August that she realized she never really had any control at all. 

From the very first contraction, Helen had been determined to stay ahead of everything. The experience wouldn't leave her heart open and vulnerable. She would be in control over every moment. Allowing Max to be there for it all had never been up for debate. There was no way she would deprive him of those very first minutes with their son. She honestly believed she could find some way to keep it separate. She could have him there without needing him. She could get through it without making it about them. They made the baby together, but they didn't have to bring him into the world together. Max could be nothing more than a spectator, and she could keep that last shred of herself safe.

The lighthearted banter between them as she got through the early stages of labor with an ease that even surprised her, had given way to needing silence as she struggled to make it from contraction to contraction. She never had to tell him a single thing, he had known exactly what she needed and had been that through every excruciatingly awful hour that slowly passed. The need for him was instinctual, completely beyond her control, and the resolve she fought like hell to hang onto would have crumbled if he had left her for even a second. 

It had been Max who promised her she was stronger than every single contraction that wracked her body as their baby boy seemed to be fighting with everything in him to stay exactly where he was. It had been Max who somehow knew exactly what to do or say to help when everyone else who entered the room had it all wrong. It was Max who held her, sweetly encouraging her as she cried through the pain, promising her the second they saw their little one's face it would all be worth it. It was Max who had gotten her through those final minutes when she was convinced there was no way she could take one more second of pain or push one more time. And it had been Max who had fallen just as hard as she had the second that screaming baby boy was finally out, her entire universe shifting, and her heart somehow becoming whole again all in that single moment. 

She looked into those blue eyes, so full of love for their newborn son and pride for what he had just witnessed her make it through, and knew she had lost her heart completely. 

They were sitting in her hospital bed that first night, staring at their tiny creation in his arms, and Helen knew that broken part of her had somehow managed to heal. She knew that instant the part of her that held onto the pain of her past, that held onto Mohammad, that held onto everything she felt she had lost, had finally let go. The man beside her and the sleeping baby boy in his arms were the only ones who mattered now. The peace she never expected to make with what happened so easily found its way to her in that dark hospital room as she rested her head against Max and felt his arm around her. Healing had finally come in that 7 pound 14 ounce bundle with a dusting of dark hair on his head and the sweetest cry she had ever heard. 

As quickly as that overpowering love had slammed into her the moment she saw her son, the need to protect him and everything in his world hit just as hard. She and Max had never discussed trying to make it work, but there were moments Helen could feel he wanted more. In the days and weeks after Meyer's birth, they had fallen into a routine so cloudy, that even she admitted getting lost in it at times. She had made it in her bedroom alone with their newborn on their first night home for a total of 2 hours before she needed him close for reassurance and that quickly they'd fallen into sharing her bed, Meyer nestled safely between them. The early morning kisses before he left for work that he gave her and their newborn son, certain they were sleeping as he left as quietly as possible. The way he answered her calls multiple times a day during their first couple weeks of parenthood, giving her every single part of him, and putting everything else aside. The way he fit perfectly into their life, and admitting she was truly happy for the first time in she couldn't remember how long, had been the thing that terrified her the most. 

The plan had never been for them to become anything more than they were, but Helen knew they had both fallen into a familiarity they were getting lost in. She had somehow managed to have the discussion with him about their lives returning to normal without completely breaking down, and he had somehow agreed though his eyes betrayed him throughout the entire conversation. Helen would never know if he had struggled as badly as she did that first night he stayed at his place, but she had put their 3 week old son to bed that night feeling as if part of her was missing. She looked at their baby boy and somehow convinced herself that friendship was all she could ever have with his father. Anything more was too great a risk. Anything more not working out was far worse than nothing at all. 

Slowly, over the months they'd been co-parenting, their relationship had morphed into something she didn't even recognize. At some point, she had made him feel as if he couldn't confide in her. The man who sat in their son's nursery and told her some of his most painful childhood memories had stopped talking. Blaming herself was a natural reaction, but in this case, Helen felt it was justified. She had spent so much time protecting herself, that she didn't realize there was a whole other person who mattered just as much as she did. A person who always made himself available when she needed a shoulder to cry on and who would do anything for her without hesitation. A person who had desperately needed her but had somehow been made to feel as if she wasn't there. 

Somehow they had ended up here. 

The bright lights of the hospital waiting room were blinding as she walked the floor with Meyer in her arms. Helen had absolutely no idea how they had ended up here. She had no idea how a day that started out so ordinary had turned into the nightmare it had become. She had no idea how to process all that had happened in just a few short hours, and when she tried, the emotions the situation brought with it slammed into her like a ton of bricks.

She had no idea. 

Everything had been perfectly fine when Max picked Meyer up for their overnight trip out of town with his parents. He had come in, made polite conversation with her parents, and explained their itinerary to her as he always did. When he walked out the door, she simply had no idea. 

She had been out to dinner with her parents when the call came. Helen answered to Max's mother screaming into the phone, and she hadn't forgotten a single detail of the nightmare since. 

The faces she saw as she entered the ED of New Amsterdam, the overwhelming feeling of nausea as she was told Max had been life-flighted there from a rural hospital, the feeling that her world had dropped out from underneath her as Lauren told her Max had cancer and the tumor had made it impossible for him to breathe, the paramedics she had almost run over as she quickly made her way out to the ambulance bay and vomited the contents of her stomach on the ground, and the feeling of her Father's arms holding her back from going into Trauma Room 1 and demanding to know every detail of what was going on. 

Helen had no idea she had been crying almost to the point of hyperventilation until her Mother took her in the bathroom and managed to calm her down. She would never forget the ugly brown tiles on the wall and the flickering fluorescent light above the vanity as she held onto her Mother and cried out every ounce of panic, fear, anger, confusion, and pain she was feeling. She had gotten everything out, her mind switching to Meyer and strength she didn't even realize she possessed came over her. She knew Max's only concern would have been their son, and though she could do nothing else, she would be strong for him. She would pull herself together and take care of him the way Max would if their situations were reversed. 

It was what she felt for Max that prevented her from reacting when she entered the waiting room to find Georgia next to Max's parents. Helen didn't know why or particularly care why she was there, why Max's Mother felt the need to call her, her only concern was the crying baby boy in Max's Father's arms. The moment Meyer spotted her, the fear in his little face and his arms reaching for her were enough to make her focus on him alone and ignore Max's Mother shouting at her, demanding to know if she had known and accusing her of putting Max's life in danger. 

She had taken Meyer into her arms, holding him tightly against her, and tried not to break down when she felt the grip his little hands had on her shirt. Helen had no idea what he had witnessed, but she knew the most traumatic thing for him was being ripped away from his Daddy and left with 2 hysterical Grandparents. She could feel him slowly starting to calm down, his breaths syncing up with hers as she tried to remain as calm as possible, knowing the little one in her arms had no idea that he was the one holding her up. 

The information that followed seemed to get worse with each colleague that entered the waiting room. Max had known about the cancer, but for reasons she would never fully understand, he'd decided not to share that news with anyone. They had been out to dinner and were on their way back to the cabin when he started having difficulty breathing, quickly telling his father to go to the nearest hospital. They made it as Max lost consciousness and was immediately taken in by the ED staff who were unsuccessful at intubation due to the tumor. An airway was secured via tracheotomy, but the possibility he'd suffered a hypoxic brain injury was very real due to minutes being lost as they unsuccessfully tried to obtain an airway. Helen knew the harsh reality well, and she knew the possibility they'd never get Max back was very real, but she refused to go there. She couldn't go there. 

A silence had settled over the waiting room as Helen quietly walked Meyer around, the baby boy drifting in and out of sleep in her arms. She wanted to run to him, demand to know why he hadn't told her something so important, scream at him as she told him just how much that hurt and feel his arms wrap around her as he promised her everything would be ok. Tears instantly clouded her vision as Meyer lifted his little head off her chest, looking up at her with those Max Goodwin blue eyes, and though it felt as if her heart was being ripped from her chest, she knew the little one in her arms was part of him. The best part of him. No matter what happened, she would always have part of him. 

Helen kissed his cheek as he rested his head back against her chest, so sleepy, but fighting it as hard as he could. Even at his tiny age, Helen knew he could sense that something was wrong. She felt someone touch her shoulder and turned to see her Mother next to her. "The Oncologist is here, do you want me to take him?" 

Helen shook her head, immediately turning to make her way over to where Dr. Stauton was gathering everyone. If she couldn't treat him herself, and there was absolutely no way she could do that, then she knew he was in the very best hands with Virginia. "Helen," she smiled kindly, reaching out to touch her arm. "As all of you are aware, Max has throat cancer. Squamous Cell Carcinoma. The tumor caused his airway to close, which made intubation impossible, and led to the tracheotomy. He's had a CT scan, and I believe the best course of action is proceeding with Transoral Laser Microsurgery to remove the tumor. Dr. Kapoor agrees that it shouldn't wait as it may be a bit before we know how neurologically intact this left him." 

"He's not having surgery!" His Mother said immediately. 

"If he needs to have surgery," his Dad said, reaching out to take her hand in an attempt to calm her down. 

Dr. Stauton looked at Helen before proceeding. "I strongly advise you to go forward with the surgery. The tumor is what caused the problem to begin with, and we cannot proceed with weaning him off the ventilator until it's removed, nor can we see exactly what we're dealing with." 

"He's been through too much," she cried. 

"He has to have the surgery," Helen said. "There is no other option. This is the only option he has." She was well aware she had no legal authority to dictate his treatment, but she would fight for him until her last breath. His parents simply didn't know, she couldn't expect them to, and as scary as it was, Helen knew this was the best shot Max had. 

Georgia stood from her place next to them, "Maybe if we wait until tomorrow." 

"What will that do?" Helen popped back, instantly feeling her Mother's hand on her shoulder. "What will waiting until tomorrow accomplish?" 

Georgia looked at her and the difficulty she was having seeing the reality right in front of her wasn't lost on Helen. It was all over her face. The reality that Max had given another woman what he refused to give her. "I just think if we waited until he was a little better....."

"He's not going to get better, Georgia," Helen replied. "The tumor is the problem. It has to come out. He cannot breathe as long as it's there. The goal is to remove it, get him off the ventilator, and pray he's neurologically intact so he can undergo further treatment." The jargon she was spitting at them was going over their heads, Helen was well aware of that, but she was tired of arguing. Tired of explaining herself to a woman who had no real reason to be there. 

"I understand that," Georgia snapped, daring to challenge what she had just said. "I just think tonight that...."

Helen rolled her eyes, her frustration at an all-time high. "I am not going to have this conversation with you, Georgia. I am a double board certified Oncologist, so unless I missed something where your career is concerned...." 

"Helen," Her Mother said. 

She did her best to maintain her resolve, refusing to let them see her cry, refusing to let them see they got to her. "I am not backing down," she said to his parents. "I understand I have no legal dictation over what happens to him, but his son should matter. You should think of this little boy when you're fighting over these decisions and wasting time. I don't have any control over what you decide, but I do have Meyer, and I know that Max would want everything done that could possibly be done to hopefully keep him from losing his Daddy." 

The group was quiet for the first time in minutes, and Helen had no idea what was going to happen. She never thought she would be standing in a hospital waiting room begging Max's parents to make the best medical decisions for him while being terrified it was already too late. She saw Max's Dad step forward toward Dr. Stauton, "We'll do the surgery. If it's the best option he has, we'll do the surgery." 

Helen released a breath she didn't even know she'd been holding, resting her head against Meyer's, holding her tears back. 

"It's the best option from an Oncologic standpoint," Dr. Stauton explained. "Neurologically, it's too soon to tell, but this is the best first step we can take."

"Can we see him?" His Mother asked. Helen wasn't sure she could see him. She wasn't sure she was strong enough to walk in a room and see him in any other condition than the one she was used to. Full of life, optimism, and willingness to make her believe everything would be ok even if he didn't believe it himself. 

"As soon as the procedure is finished and he's back in the Intensive Care Unit," she explained. "Immediate family will be allowed to see him, yes." The fact Max's Mother wouldn't place her in that category wasn't lost on her, but Helen couldn't worry about that at the moment. "I urge you to try and get some rest. It'll take a bit to get everything ready, the procedure done, and him settled in a room. I know it'll be hard, but it's late, and you're no good to him unable to function yourselves." 

There was no way Helen was going anywhere. She knew every word Virginia said was true, and it was the very thing she had told families countless times, but as she stood on the other side of things, she knew it would be impossible. Her Mother came to stand beside her as they watched Virginia exit the waiting room, and everyone else stand around looking as helpless as she felt. "Do you want your Father to take him home? I'll stay with you. Or if you'd rather, I can take him home, and he'll stay with you. One of us is staying, Helen, it's not up for debate." 

Before she could answer, Helen saw Floyd enter the room and make his way over to them. He didn't have to say anything at all to know the pain she was feeling. He simply wrapped her in a hug, "We're here for you and little man, ok? We're all here for Max." 

"How did this happen?" She asked, tearfully, looking up at Floyd as if he had an answer she didn't. He saw Max daily and had suspected nothing, so she tried to believe there was nothing she missed, but it was impossible. The allergies he claimed to have when he'd had Meyer for the week while she was in California wouldn't leave her mind. Had he known then? Had he really felt it was better to keep her in the dark and risk his life than tell her the truth? Had they really grown that far apart? "How the hell did this happen, Floyd?"

"I don't know," he said. "I don't know, but what I do know is if there is anyone who can beat this, it's Max. Dude is stubborn as hell, we both know it, so we gotta believe this won't beat him. We gotta believe he's still gonna be around driving us crazy years from now." 

Helen smiled at the thought of the most infuriatingly wonderful man she had ever known. A man none of them knew they so desperately needed until he had shown up, refusing to believe he was up against an impossible situation. Some probably thought he was crazy, she did at first, but now Helen knew that Max had the type of courage few were gifted with. It was blind courage, impossible courage, and it was the only thing that would get him through the hell he was about to walk through. If it were anyone else besides Max, Helen wasn't sure she would even be able to hang onto the shred of hope she was clinging to. 

"I'm on call tonight," Floyd explained. "Why don't you take the on-call room in my department. I've got the couch in my office and probably won't sleep anyway, but you can't stay in this waiting room all night with him." He pulled a key from his pocket, placing it in her hand, and she knew he wouldn't take no for an answer. "Nobody will bother you in there," he explained. "Sheets are clean, there's a mini fridge if you need it for any of his stuff, and it's yours for as long as you need it." 

"Thank you," she said. 

"I'll check in on you later," he promised. "Lauren is with him now, and she's going to stay with him. One of us will be with him the entire time. We've got him, Helen, you just take care of yourself and this little guy." 

Helen felt her Mom wrap her in a hug not saying a word, but knowing there was no way she would leave the hospital anytime soon. "What do you need us to do? I can stay with you, your Father can take Meyer home and bring him back first thing in the morning...." 

The thought of handing Meyer over for even a second was too much. "I can't," she said, her voice breaking. "I can't, I just...."

"Ok," her Mom soothed, knowing exactly what she couldn't say. "Then we'll stay here tonight as long as you promise you'll take him and go lie down. There is nothing you can do except wait, and he needs rest. He's never going to fall asleep in here with so much going on." If it wasn't for the baby boy in her arms, there was no way Helen would have agreed to go wait in an on-call room while everyone else stayed awake and alert elsewhere. If it wasn't for the baby boy in her arms, she would have dressed out, defying every protocol in the hospital, and been in that OR with him. "They said his diaper bag was put in Max's office when they came in, do you want us to go get that? You'll just have to tell us where it is." 

"I'll go on my way upstairs," Helen told her. 

Her Mother smiled, leaning in to kiss Meyer's cheek. "We'll stay here, and if we hear anything, we'll call immediately." 

Helen brushed past Max's parents, with Meyer in her arms not saying a word. There was nothing she could possibly say that would make the situation any better. She was thankful his father had come to his senses, but there was no place for the anger she had toward his mother. Not tonight. As she made her way through the halls of New Amsterdam, she was hit with so many memories of time spent with Max. She could hear him calling her name, as she went about her day almost as if he appeared out of thin air. Somehow, he always managed to find her. This had been her home for far longer than she had known Max, but without him, she felt like an outsider. Nothing was right about the hospital without him zipping up and down the halls. 

She unlocked the door to his office, turning the light on, and seeing Meyer's diaper bag on the table exactly where the ED nurse said it had been placed. So much had happened within those walls, and not seeing him sitting at his desk made the whole world seem off-kilter. She should have taken the bag and left, but curiosity got the best of her, missing him got the best of her. Helen walked over, taking a seat, and the first thing she was hit with was the pictures on his desk. 

Aside from only a few, every picture on display was of the 3 of them, and the memories those images brought back were enough to knock the breath out of her. Meyer's first day home from the hospital, when she had threatened to toss the camera out the closest window if her Mother insisted on one more picture. The tiny pumpkin in her arms as they celebrated Meyer's first Halloween even though he was far too tiny to care about anything other than sleeping. A picture of Max and Meyer from his first Thanksgiving. He had invited her to dinner at his parents' house, but she had declined, opting to work that holiday instead. The 3 of them on Christmas morning at her place, wrapping paper scattered all over as a 4 month old Meyer slept through the chaos. His desk looked almost identical to hers, neither of them able to see events in Meyer's life without the other. 

The tears she'd been holding back finally broke through as she sat in his office and felt more alone than she ever had in her life. She didn't even know it was possible to feel that alone. She held their son in her arms, feeling the warmth of his little body, and knew there was no way she could ever replace Max in his life. There was no way they could lose him, and her even come close to making up for that loss. For the rest of his life, he would feel the absence of a man who had so much to teach him and so much love to give him. The world could be cruel, she knew that better than anyone, but there was no way she could bring herself to believe Meyer would only get 9 months with his father and nothing he would ever remember. She couldn't accept that for him. She wouldn't accept it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have very little medical knowledge, so I did my best to research before writing. Hopefully, the accuracy isn't too far off, but please accept this as my disclaimer if any glaring mistakes are noticed.


	7. Chapter 7

Minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days as Helen lay in the deafeningly quiet on-call room in the Cardiothoracic Surgery department. She had tried to sleep, knowing she needed to be at her best for Meyer, but she would barely doze before waking in a panic, terrified something had happened to Max in the brief time she'd let her guard down. If not for the baby boy snuggled against her, peacefully asleep, his tiny hand holding her fingers so tightly, she would have never stayed in that room while Max was elsewhere fighting for his life. She would have been by his side, refusing to leave, and aware of every effort made to save him. Every second that passed was a struggle, but she knew without ever being told, that Max would want her to be with Meyer. Max wouldn't want him passed off to someone else while she stayed by his side. He would want her focus to be on their son and knowing that was the only reason she had defied her every instinct to go to him. 

As she watched her baby boy sleep peacefully in the dim room, she could feel her heart breaking in a way she didn't think possible. The little one had no idea the chaos going on around him. He had no idea there was a very real possibility that 9 months was all he would get with his father. The baby in her arms loved his Daddy so very much, his little face lighting up whenever Max was around, and the thought of never seeing that again crushed her. The thought of one day having to explain just how much he was loved by his father was something she didn't think she would ever be able to do. There weren't enough words to convey the way she knew Max loved him.

She kissed his head, taking a deep breath to will the tears away. If she truly thought about losing Max, if she truly let herself feel the weight of all that loss would bring, Helen knew she'd break in a way that couldn't be mended. She couldn't help but be envious of the sleeping baby in her arms. The only thing he knew was love. The only thing he had experienced from the moment he entered their lives was love and happiness. He had so quickly changed both their worlds, showing them exactly how much he was needed, and the thought of anything causing him pain killed her. She simply couldn't look at Meyer and see the absence of Max. 

A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts, and Helen slowly sat up, cradling Meyer against her as she saw Lauren enter the room. If she hadn't been so exhausted, she could have possibly read her friend's expression, but the late hours brought nothing. The look on Lauren's face told her nothing. "He made it through surgery," Lauren said, taking a seat on the bed next to Helen. "They removed the tumor and were able to do the sentinel node biopsy. As soon as Vijay gives the go ahead neurologically, he'll have a PET scan to see what course of treatment will be best." She didn't have to say it, they both knew if Max didn't recover neurologically, then there would be no reason to put him through invasive procedures or tests. The debate would turn from cancer treatments to when they needed to let him go, knowing he wouldn't want to be kept alive by a feeding tube in a long-term care facility. 

Helen nodded, unable to say anything, but so thankful he had made it over the first hurdle. She kissed Meyer on the head as the baby continued sleeping, his little head resting on her shoulder. "Helen, I...." 

"No," she replied. "Don't tell me you're sorry. There's no reason for you to be sorry." She wasn't about to hear an apology from Lauren. There was no reason for her to apologize. They both knew how stubborn Max could be, and at that moment, Helen was thankful he at least had someone who knew the truth and that he could confide in. She wished that someone would have been her, but she was thankful Lauren had been there. "I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt that he didn't feel as if he could tell me, but don't you dare apologize." 

"It didn't come from a bad place," Lauren said, tearfully. Helen could see the emotion of the evening was finally getting the best of her friend. "Helen, you have to know he didn't keep this from you for any other reason than he thought he was protecting you. He thought if he could figure it all out by himself before telling you, then it would somehow be better. I don't know why he couldn't see it differently, but you and Meyer have been his only concern since he found out." 

"When did he know?" 

Lauren took a deep breath. "I did a fine needle biopsy when you were in California. He found out the day you got back. I told him myself, encouraged him to get in with Virginia as soon as possible, but he shut down almost immediately."

Helen had known something was wrong when he brought Meyer home after her week away. He had blamed it on things that made no sense, and they had fought the most ridiculous fight, but she had known something was wrong with him. In the days that followed that argument, she felt anger, but there was also a feeling of worry she couldn't quite rid herself of. The person who brought Meyer back to her wasn't Max. He wasn't _her_ Max. 

"The last conversation I had with him wasn't exactly something I'm proud of," Lauren confessed. "I told him it was unfair to keep this from you. I told him things about your past, about Mohammad, that you may wish I would have kept my mouth shut about. I just..." 

"It's ok," Helen replied sincerely. There may have been a time she would have gotten upset with Lauren for telling things she would have told herself if she wanted them known, but not tonight. She had no other mind space for anything or anyone besides Max and their son tonight. 

"You're the only one who has ever been able to make him see reason," Lauren continued. "You're the only one he listens to. I knew if he was ever going to deal with this, ever going to beat this, he had to tell you. He can't do this by himself, Helen, so please don't be angry with him. You know I'm the last person to ever tell you to give some guy a pass, but we both know Max isn't some guy, and we both know if he's ever going to make it through this...." 

"I'm not going anywhere," Helen said, resting her head against Meyer's as she very gently rubbed his back. "That's his Daddy, and there is no way I'm going anywhere." 

"We both know he's more than Meyer's Dad, Helen," Lauren said.

"He's Max," Helen said simply. She refused to place any labels on how she felt about him at that moment. In truth, she really didn't think a label for what they were to one another existed. Their lives were complicated enough without adding more uncertainty to it. He had a permanent place in her heart, and the fear of living without him ran so deep that it scared her to death. That would have to be enough for now. 

Lauren smiled, reaching over to take hold of Meyer's foot. "Those footed pajamas get me every time," she grinned. 

Helen smiled down at the baby resting against her. "Max actually got these for him," she explained. Iconic red double-decker buses, black cabs, and tube trains covered the tiny pajamas, and Helen couldn't help but laugh every time she saw them. "Universal forms of transportation would suffice for most, but you know Max." 

"Well, to be fair, he is a half English baby, Helen," Lauren joked. 

Something as simple as joking about London was all it took to send Helen over the edge she'd been desperately clinging to. She didn't want to raise Meyer in London. There may have been times she thought about it, but a passing thought is all it had ever been. Whenever she felt unsure about their situation, fearful of what the future might bring, or angry for whatever reason that seemed so stupid now, she thought about what it would be like to move back. To get away from all of the uncertainty. That is all it ever was, a simple thought she never believed she'd actually have the possibility of facing. Meyer belonged in New York. He existed because of New York. He deserved to grow up in the same city as his Dad, learning everything he could from Max, and never having any questions about where his home was. 

Helen felt Lauren move closer, wrapping an arm around her as she cried. "I can't do this without him, Lauren." 

"Yes, you can," Lauren promised her. "You can, Helen, but you won't have to. He's going to wake up." 

"You don't know that," Helen said. There was a time she might have been able to hang on to some shred of optimism, but life had stolen that away from her. Being in this very position before had stolen that away from her. The difference was the baby boy in her arms, and that made the possibility of losing him unbearable. "What if he doesn't, Lauren? And even if he does, there's the cancer we still haven't even scratched the surface of."

"He will," she replied. "We have to believe he will, and everything else will be dealt with when he does." 

They sat in silence for the longest time, Helen doing her best to get herself together, as Meyer continued sleeping, completely unaware his entire life had been turned upside down in one evening. Lauren's phone went off, and Helen felt her heart rate instantly increase at the thought of something being wrong. She didn't want to know. If something happened to Max, she didn't want to know. She would rather sit in that on-call room, hiding away from the world, than have to walk out and face a reality she couldn't even fathom. 

"They have him settled in an ICU room and are allowing immediate family in," Lauren told her. "He hasn't regained consciousness, but he's stable." 

Helen released the breath she'd been holding as relief washed over her. She could only focus on one thing at a time, and right now, she chose to focus on the fact that he was still in the world. "I'm sure it's pointless for me to go down there," she said. "His mother is never going to go for that, we both know it. The second I walk through those doors, she's going to start."

"His mother is crazy," Lauren said, her tone growing louder as her defenses went up. 

"She's his next of kin, Lauren," Helen explained. "There isn't a lot we can do about her." 

Lauren stood. "She's going to find herself in the bed next door to his if she thinks for one second we're going to put up with her crap. And I'm sure we can find another empty bed for the ex-wife if she needs help finding her place." 

Helen laughed to herself, unable to believe this was her reality, but appreciating Lauren's spunkiness as much as she always had. "I don't need you to threaten anyone, Lauren, I'll just wait until they're gone if it's an issue." 

"What is she even doing here?!" Helen wished she knew. As far as she was aware, Max didn't have contact with Georgia. Their separation, while simple, had been anything but amicable once she found out he had a baby on the way. 

"I have no idea," Helen replied. "I know his mother still thinks she's wonderful." 

"Well, that figures," Lauren scoffed, standing from her place next to Helen. "Do you want to leave your things here? I know Floyd told you this was your room for the night, but you know he's forbidden his entire department from coming in here for the foreseeable future. He told them they could bring an air mattress for their office, or find an empty room somewhere, but they weren't to use the on-call room until further notice." 

Helen stood, adjusting Meyer in her arms as she grabbed a baby blanket from his bag to cover him. "He really didn't need to do that." 

"It's Floyd," Lauren told her. "Don't even try to argue with him." 

As they made their way down the hallway toward the elevators, Helen felt a sense of dread come over her. She didn't want to see Max this way. She didn't want to see him hooked to machines, not really knowing if he was there or not. She didn't want to watch on helpless as nurses took care of him, praying he meant as much to them as he did to everyone else who knew and loved him. He deserved the best because that is exactly what he had given the staff of New Amsterdam from the moment he walked through the doors. "He's in ICU 4," Lauren said, following Helen on the elevator. "Vijay said to let him know whenever you want to be updated. He'll answer any questions you have. I told you none of us care about Max's mother, Helen. I'm going to check on the ED, and then I'll come straight there." 

Helen saw it was just after 1am when she entered the ICU waiting room to find her parents across the room awake, coffee in hand, talking about her she was certain. She hated this is the way their trip had gone, and knowing it was after midnight, that today was her father's birthday. "Have they gone to see him?" She asked, noticing there was no sign of Max's parents or Georgia in the waiting room. 

"They have," her mother answered. "They've been gone a bit. His father seems reasonable, but his mother....."

"I'll go once they get back," Helen told her. "I'm not dealing with her." When she saw Max, she knew she couldn't have an audience. She couldn't have people gathered around his bed, watching her every move and listening to her every word. Their relationship was their relationship, and complicated as it may be, it wasn't for anyone else. She didn't want to share that vulnerable part of herself with anyone else. 

Her mother stood from where she had been seated, instantly coming to Helen's side and lifting the blanket that was covering Meyer. "This sweet boy," she said, kissing his head. "Has he been able to rest?" 

Helen smiled, "He's been out for hours. You know he can sleep anywhere, he's like Max." It was those similarities Helen loved the most. Very few people knew Max could fall asleep anywhere and stay asleep through anything. They'd spent many nights together, and Helen couldn't recall a single one where Max didn't sleep soundly no matter how much she tossed and turned. He'd simply toss an arm around her, pulling her to him, and never wake up. It had shocked her more than anyone when the tiniest whimper from their newborn son woke him. Whenever she saw Meyer asleep on his back, one arm resting above his head, she saw Max. "I thought he was never going to get full when I fed him," she said. "I have no idea when he had been fed last." 

"Probably when they were out to dinner," her Mother replied. Helen hoped so. She couldn't think about Meyer suffering any more than he already had. 

She walked to her Dad, passing Meyer to him as gently as she possibly could, hoping she wouldn't wake the baby. She knew he'd fall back to sleep, but she didn't want the change of arms to upset him. The moment he was on her Dad's chest, he snuggled against him, his little bottom in the air, and she couldn't help but smile. "I think Papa is a Meyer approved sleeping place," she smiled, leaning down to kiss the baby's head before covering him with a blanket. 

"You used to sleep just like this," her Dad smiled, placing a protective hand on Meyer's back. It amazed her to watch her parents with Meyer and think back to when she first told them she was pregnant. As much as they loved her, and would love her child, they had been upset, and skeptical of the situation surrounding it. Once he arrived, it was as if her parents had been hoping and praying for him for years. They loved the baby boy more than anything, and she loved watching the time they got to spend with him. 

She took a seat in the chair next to her father. "Happy Birthday," she said. "Such as it is!" 

"I'm with you two," he smiled. "That's a good enough birthday for me!"

Helen knew he meant it, but she still hated his birthday would be spent in a hospital with so much uncertainty surrounding the situation. Logically, she knew she would have to leave and go home at some point, but she didn't know when that point would come. She didn't know when she'd be able to walk out, leaving Max behind, and not feel like she was abandoning him in some way. It was silly, she knew that he had his parents, but he would never leave her. 

"This sleeper," her Mom smiled, noticing the London themed pajamas. "There is nothing sweeter than a baby in a footed sleeper."

"You know Max," Helen laughed. "He saw those somewhere online and insisted that Meyer needed them." 

"He's a good man," her Dad said. "I know I don't say that often, and I've never said it to him, but he's a good man. A good father, who loves this one to bits. This wasn't how I imagined we'd become grandparents, and I could have been nicer to Max along the way, but he's a good man, and I promise it'll be the first thing I tell him next I see him." 

Helen couldn't stop the tears from spilling over. "I think you saying something nice to him would be a bit much right now," she laughed, leaning forward to place a kiss on her Dad's cheek. "Maybe give him a minute before hitting him with that?" 

"As soon as he's ready then," her Dad replied.

Their conversation was interrupted by Max's parents and Georgia entering the waiting room. Helen looked up, seeing both women had been crying and took a deep breath. It wasn't worth making conversation, his Mother would never see things her way or even try. She leaned over, kissing Meyer again, before standing so she could make her way to the Intensive Care Unit. 

"He can't have any visitors now," his mother said, stopping Helen in her tracks. "His blood pressure and heart rate were up when we were in there, and he's just been through too much." 

That was the final straw. There was absolutely no way Helen was going to sit by and take one more second of that woman's abuse, Max's mother or not. If she thought she was going to keep her away, then she was in for the fight of her life. "What is your problem?!"

His mother looked at her, and Helen could see that she didn't even try to see her for who she was. She didn't want to understand her relationship with Max. For whatever reason, she had dismissed it and never even tried to get to know her. She had some crazy allegiance to Georgia, and there was no use in trying to be polite anymore. She had been polite for over a year, and it had gotten her absolutely nowhere. "What, specifically, is it about me that you have a problem with? And please, don't hold back. It will actually clear up a lot, and we can both get on with it knowing exactly where we stand." 

As soon as the words left her mouth, it looked as if someone had slapped his mother across the face. Helen couldn't read her expression, and words weren't coming to the woman standing in front of her, but she didn't care. Whatever issue his mother had, it was hers, and it wasn't going to affect her relationship with her son's father. "Let's get one thing straight," Helen continued. "You may be Max's mother, and you may get to call the shots right now where he's concerned, but Meyer is mine, and he will _never_ be placed in a situation I don't feel comfortable with. Don't forget that." She didn't have to say the words, she knew Max's mother understood exactly what she was saying. Max was the only reason they had a relationship with their grandson, and without him, Helen wasn't obligated to give them anything at all. 

Helen left her standing in the middle of the waiting room speechless and still looking as if someone had punched her. It was hard to believe Max had come from her, but people overcame their upbringing all of the time. He was the only thing that mattered. She and his family could co-exist as long as they had to. Her feet felt heavier with every step she took, and the closer she got to the Intensive Care Unit, she could feel nausea starting to return. She took a deep breath, pressing the button to gain access to the unit, and waited for the double doors to open.

The second she walked in, she could see familiar faces gathered outside Max's room. The look on their faces was unreadable, but it comforted Helen in some small way knowing they were there. "Helen," Vijay greeted, wrapping her in a hug immediately. She could tell by the look on his face that something was wrong, and she didn't have it in her to stay in suspense. She just needed to know. 

"What's wrong?" 

The man she had known for years, the man who was almost like a father to all of them, took her aside. "He's been experiencing tachycardia and hypertension within the last hour. His parents weren't the best historians concerning his health, but it's my understanding he doesn't have problems with either."

"No," Helen said quickly, not caring how knowing these details might seem. "He doesn't have any cardiovascular problems. The only medication he takes regularly is a vitamin and something for a headache every now and again. Sometimes he gets sinus headaches during cold and allergy season. Other than that, there's nothing." 

"That is more than they were able to tell me," Vijay replied. "They couldn't tell us anything when he first arrived. They didn't know allergies, his blood type, home medications, nothing....even when the ex-wife appeared, she had nothing to add." 

Helen knew the answers to those questions, but they had managed to figure things out on their own. "It's not a good situation. I don't have a relationship with his parents, and...." 

"You do not worry about that," he quickly replied. "You will be updated along with everyone else. That is how Max would want it. I had to ask them to leave earlier, we were not sure if the hypertension and tachycardia were from having visitors or if...." 

"PSH," Helen said, disbelief in her tone. If that was indeed the case, then the chances Max had sustained a significant hypoxic brain injury was high. The chances they'd ever get him back the way he'd been were much lower. 

"It is too soon to say for certain what it is right now," Vijay said. "I think decreasing stimulation and seeing how he does over the next few hours is the best approach. Do not get ahead of yourself." 

"May I see him?" She asked. It would kill her to leave without seeing him, just as much as it would kill her to see him. There was no easy way out, so she hoped for the only option her heart could withstand. She _had_ to see him. "If not, I..."

"Of course," Vijay answered. "The tachycardia and hypertension are still present, but stable. As long as things don't deteriorate, I am fine with you visiting him." 

Helen nodded, thankful she wouldn't have to walk out of there without seeing him. "If I need to leave, please don't hesitate to tell me. Don't push him at all, if he isn't tolerating it, get me out of there." 

"You have my word," he promised. "I can watch his vital signs from the monitors here at the desk." 

She quickly washed up, and slowly made her way over to the sliding glass doors of his ICU room. As she looked through, she didn't think she had ever seen Max so still. He was perpetual motion, always on the go, always ready to get to the next problem he could solve. She felt the painful lump in her throat and could barely see past the tears welling up in her eyes as she slid the door open and stepped inside. She pulled the curtain, giving them some privacy, and made her way over to his bed. The sound of the ventilator breathing for him every few seconds brought back the terror she felt when she stood beside Mohammad's bed completely helpless. 

Helen got a chair, pulling it up to the side of his bed, and took a seat just as the tears she had been holding back spilled over. Words wouldn't come, but she took his hand, intertwining their fingers as she let herself feel every horrible emotion of the day. She kept his hand in hers, gently running her other up and down his arm, seeing where he had been stuck multiple times for bloodwork and arterial blood gases before having more permanent lines placed. "Max," she said, sobs finally breaking through as she rested her head on his bed and let them come. He was so many things to so many people, but to her, he was everything. He was absolutely everything, and there was no way she could make it without him. 

Finally getting herself together, she looked up at him, amazed by how peaceful he seemed. "I'm so sorry," she said, her voice breaking as she attempted to tell him everything she desperately needed to say. "I am so so sorry. I'm not mad at you. I don't think I could ever really be mad at you. I don't care why you didn't tell me. I don't care about any of that. The thought of you carrying that around alone kills me, Max. It kills me." She brought his hand up to her face, kissing it, and resting her face against the warmth she found there. "I know you're scared. I would be too. Mostly," she said, beginning to break once again. "Mostly, I know you're terrified to leave Meyer. You're terrified to leave him behind in this world without you. I know you are because that would be my biggest fear." 

She stood, placing a kiss on his cheek, resting her head against his as she breathed him in. "I'm here," she said, tearfully. "I am right here, and I swear to you I'm not going anywhere. I just need you to keep up your end of the deal, ok? I need you to stay with me. We can get through this, but we have to do it together. That was the deal, remember? That was the deal, and I'm holding you to it." 

Helen noticed whoever was taking care of him, had removed his surgery hat and not fixed his hair the way he would prefer. She reached out, gently running her hand through his thick, brown hair, parting it the way he liked before leaning down to kiss his forehead. "You know we always promised one another when we were really old, we'd make sure the other was always looking their best." She smiled through her tears, remembering some of the crazy conversations they'd had throughout their relationship. Planning one another's funerals, hoping Meyer put them in a good nursing home and everything else you joke about when you believe you have your entire life ahead of you. That is how much the man in front of her had healed her, that is how far he had brought her from that broken shell of a woman who honestly didn't believe she had a future. "I burden you, you burden me, remember? That was the promise, and you never break a promise. You never have." 

She kissed his cheek once again, sitting down in the chair next to his bed, never letting go of his hand. "I'm here, and Meyer's here, and we're not going anywhere, so we need the same from you. We love you so much." With that, she broke again, unable to think this could very well be a goodbye, and if it was, that is the main thing she needed him to know. He was loved. "That beautiful baby boy you gave me, his little face lights up the second he sees you, and my God, you're his favorite person in the world. We love you and we need you here. We need you here, Max." 

The exhaustion she felt hit like a ton of bricks, and all she could do was sit quietly with him, keeping his hand in hers. She was too tired to beg, too tired to plead, and too tired to cry. She just needed him. She had no idea how much time had passed when she felt a hand on her shoulder, turning to see Vijay standing next to her. She instantly sat up, worried she had made his vital signs worse, "Do I need to?" 

"No," Vijay said quietly. "I don't know what you did or said to him, but his vitals returned to normal and have stayed that way while you've been in here. He's been as peaceful on the monitor as he's been since he came in. You being here seemed to calm him." 

Helen looked at him and knew Vijay knew how close they still were. Despite all of the changes the last 9 months of their lives had brought, most people knew the bond they shared. Most looked at them as if they were the only two who hadn't figured out what everyone else had long ago. "Is it ok if I?" She couldn't bring herself to leave him. Not yet. Not when she knew her being there may have helped him in some small way. 

"Of course," he smiled. "You stay as long as you want. If anyone calls for you, I'll come get you." 

She rested her head on his bed, still holding his hand in hers, and tried to let some form of sleep take over if only for a few minutes. The situation they were in was terrifying, full of uncertainty, but the feel of his hand in hers and the sound of his heart beating away on the monitor calmed her. Knowing he was still in the world, still with her, somehow managed to help her more than anything. She would go through anything, fight as hard as she had to, as long as he stayed with her. Nothing else mattered. 


	8. Chapter 8

It had been a long time since Helen found herself in a chapel. A long time since she had a reason to go. Being raised Catholic hadn't exactly followed her into adulthood and then......life. Life happened, and she felt as if she had been talking to thin air. No matter how much she begged and pleaded, she still lost Mohammad, she still had her world turned upside down, and she still lost every ounce of faith she had. 

Helen hadn't gone there to pray. She had gone there because it was quiet. She had gone there because very few people would think of there to look for her. She had gone there to get away from it all. Every hour that Max remained unconscious was an hour closer to an end she simply couldn't face. He hadn't gotten any worse, but he hadn't improved at all either. She stayed with him most of the night, only leaving when Meyer needed her, and leaving had been one of the hardest things she had ever done. She had gotten Meyer and gone back to the on-call room to feed him, not interested in making small talk, and when she'd finally emerged a few hours later, she found herself coming here. 

She had watched a few people come in, light a candle at the altar, and hit their knees for someone somewhere in that building. There was a small part of her that envied their faith. She wondered if they felt as alone as she felt, if their hearts were breaking in the same way and if they found comfort there she so desperately needed. She sat there for the longest time, the glow from the flickering candles the main source of light in the room, and held a sleeping Meyer. She could hold him for hours, falling more in love with every feature on his tiny face as the minutes passed, and he almost made her want to put her trust back into the very things she'd long given up on.

As she sat and held their baby boy, Helen couldn't come up with one good reason for the distance she had put between them. No matter how hard she tried, no matter how many times she honestly believed she was protecting herself, she now saw there was no saving a heart that had been determined to fall. The day she met Max, it had been too late. No matter the outcome, her heart would be just as broken as if she hadn't spent so much time building walls. She had done nothing but waste time. She had done nothing but deprive them of moments they would never be able to get back. 

"Mind if I sit?" Helen looked up to the very last person she ever expected to see. Max's mother.

Wordlessly, Helen moved down the pew a bit to make room for her, careful not to wake Meyer in the process. She had no idea what the woman could possibly want. There was nothing left to say between them. If she lost Max, and it killed her to go there, then she had no idea what she would do about his family when it came to Meyer. She had no idea if she could hand him over to his grandparents knowing Max wasn't there. She wanted Meyer to know where he came from, to know his father's family, but if the woman next to her couldn't accept her, then as far as Helen was concerned, she couldn't accept Meyer. 

"He reminds me so much of Max at that age," she said, watching the sleeping baby in Helen's arms. "Sometimes, I look at him, and it takes me back. He just looks so much like his Daddy at that same age." 

Helen took a deep breath. Due to their location, she really didn't feel as if she could shut his mother down and ask her to leave. Still, she had no desire to listen. The woman had made it perfectly clear how she felt. She had made it clear that while she loved Meyer, she had no desire to accept her. "You have every right to be here," Helen said. "But I think we've said everything we need to say to one another. You've made it perfectly clear how you feel about me, so I don't have anything else to say to you."

"I do," his mother replied. "Have something to say, I mean. I understand if you don't want to hear it, but I'd like to say it if you'll allow me to."

"Go on," Helen replied, ready to end the conversation as quickly as possible. She hated the part of her that actually felt something for the woman sitting next to her. She had no idea why, but despite her anger, all she could imagine was her son's life hanging in the balance, and it was more than she could bear to think about. Helen couldn't imagine what it must feel like for Max's parents, who had already experienced this nightmare once. They already knew what it was like to walk out of New Amsterdam minus a child. Still, it didn't excuse her behavior. 

"We weren't the best parents to Max," she began. "I'm not going to sit here and pretend that we were. After we lost his sister, we shut down, and he paid the price for that. He had everything he wanted growing up. The best games, the best toys, the best clothes, the best car, anything we could buy for him, Max had it. I think we felt like all of that made up for not having us, but it didn't. We merely existed for all those years."

It was difficult for Helen to imagine being so uninvolved with a child's life. Her parents had never missed a single thing she had participated in growing up. "We never did the things most parents do. We never had kids running all over our house for playdates or slumber parties. We never threw elaborate birthday parties. We missed sporting events. It was like we forgot we still had a child who was very much alive and thriving. It's one of the biggest regrets of my life, and one I know I can never make right." She got a tissue from her purse and wiped her eyes before she continued. 

"When he graduated high school and left for college, it honestly seemed like a relief to Max. Being away from us seemed like a relief. I think it was. He had depended on himself for so long, that living a few hours away from us and only coming home for holidays, never bothered him. We rarely knew what was going on in his life, what his plans were, I think we were the last to know he'd gotten into medical school. We didn't even know he wanted to go to medical school. We had no idea he had chosen that path because of what happened to his sister. I think he always believed if Luna had lived and grown up with him, then his life wouldn't have been so hard. We would have been the parents we should have been." 

His mother was quiet for a few moments, gathering her thoughts before she continued. "We couldn't blame him. I have never blamed him. We had never earned the right to know those things. We cherished what he told us, but never asked what he didn't." 

Most of what his mother told her wasn't new information, but the thought of Max navigating life as such a small boy all by himself hurt her in ways she couldn't explain. He was good. So, so good. He was the kind of friend you wanted in your corner. He was the kind of friend who would still be standing with you when everyone else had walked away. He never gave up on people, and the more Helen learned about his past, the more she understood. She had never questioned his love for Meyer, but she understood why he tried so hard to be the best father he could be. He didn't want Meyer to ever feel as if he came second to anything in his life. "He introduced us to Georgia after they had already decided to get married," she continued. "We knew he usually had a girlfriend, but we didn't know he was serious about her until plans had already been made. Georgia was close to her parents, and I don't think ever completely understood why Max wasn't closer to us. I think there was a lot she didn't know about his past, a lot he never felt the need to tell her. So, she pushed the relationship. She started the routine of family dinners every week, she included us in their holiday plans, she opened a line of communication we would have never had with him otherwise." 

The only thought running through Helen's mind as she listened was that she could never. She could never show such blatant disregard for Max's feelings concerning something so personal, yet as she listened, she wasn't shocked at all to hear Georgia had done just that. "When he told me the reason they were divorcing, I was devastated. I knew as soon as she was gone, the distance would return, and we'd lose him again. I also knew deep down, we were the reason he didn't want to have children of his own. He never had to say it, but I knew."

Helen had no idea why she was being told all of this, but with Meyer soundly asleep, she didn't have anywhere else to be. She simply listened. "The day he told us about you and Meyer, I should have reacted better. He cared enough to share with us, and my reaction pushed him further away. It wasn't that I missed Georgia or his relationship with her, it was that I missed the openness we had when they were together. The first time I saw him with you, I knew." She stopped talking, collecting herself before finishing up what she had to say. "I may not know everything about my son, Helen, but I know he looks at you in a way he never looked at her. And I look at you and see the respect you have for him, and know you'd never defy his wishes and push a relationship with us the way she did."

As wrong as she was about so many things, Helen had to admit she had been spot on about that much. No matter what Helen thought about Max's situation with his parents, it was _his_ situation, and her only role was supporting him. He wanted Meyer to know his parents, so she supported it. Had he never wanted them to see their son, she would have backed him on that decision too. Helen was there for him exactly the same way he was there for her. They were a team. They had always been a team. "I know there is nothing I can say to fix what I have done," his mother said. "I stay in touch with Georgia because I grew close to her. I guess, in a way, I treated her like the daughter I lost, and most of it had nothing to do with Max. It was never because I hoped they'd reconcile. The first time I saw Max look at you, I knew that part of his life was over and done with. I knew he'd finally found what I always prayed he would find, and if anything I've done has caused trouble between the two of you...." 

"It hasn't," Helen said. "Max and I are," she paused, not willing to tell his mother anything personal, but not wanting to give her an ounce of satisfaction either. "It just hasn't. It has nothing to do with you." 

"I have no problem with you, Helen," the woman said. "I never have. If anything, the problem I have is with myself. I know we are the reason Max isn't close to us. I know you love my son, and you're a wonderful mother to our grandson. I'm not going to lie, it's hard seeing the relationship you have with your parents, the relationship Meyer has with them, but that's not your fault. The anger I have at myself for what we don't have with Max isn't your fault, and I am sorry for taking it out on you. Rather than be angry about what we don't have, I should be thankful he found someone who respects his feelings. There is no excuse, I see that now, and I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry, Helen. I asked Georgia to leave, and I'll keep her updated as my friend. That's all she is, my friend. She has nothing to do with Max." 

Helen laughed sarcastically before she could stop herself. "I never thought she still had anything to do with Max." 

She couldn't read his mother's expression, but she remained quiet for a few minutes, "You and Meyer are his life now, and I'm not asking you to forget the way I've behaved or forgive me, but I'd like to move forward. I'd like to have the chance to show you I can be deserving of a relationship with my son and grandson. With you. Holding on to the past is what caused all of this, so I'd like to move forward." 

"Our relationship has no bearing on your relationship with Meyer," Helen informed her. She didn't know if a word of what she'd just heard his mother say was sincere, or if she was just afraid of what would happen if Max didn't pull through. She could see the disappointment on the woman's face before she continued. "But, peacefully co-existing with you would make things a lot easier." 

"I want that," she replied. "I know I don't deserve it and...."

"Let's just get Max well, ok?" Helen had no idea if she should believe the woman or not, but she didn't have the energy to doubt her. Not today. They both wanted the same thing. They both wanted Max to wake up, beat the cancer ravaging his body, and have a future with his son. No matter what else may exist between them, they both wanted the same thing for the man lying unconscious in the ICU. 

Almost as if he knew he needed to break the tension, Meyer slowly opened his little eyes, doing his best to adjust to his new surroundings. His face broke out in a smile as he looked up at Helen. "Good morning," Helen smiled, kissing his face as she held him in her arms. "How's my sweet boy?" The baby grinned, hiding his face against her as he became more awake. She held him to her, finding comfort in the warmth of his little body. No matter what was going on around them, he was so happy, so full of life. He reached up, touching her face, as he cooed sweetly at her. "I love you," she smiled. "Yes, I do! I love you!" 

"I wish Meyer could have met him," Max's mother said. "I don't know how much you know about him, but he was a lot like Max. Max's Grandmother passed away when the twins were babies, so he spent a lot of time with us, I think as a distraction. After we lost Luna, he stepped up and was everything for Max that we should have been. It would have meant so much to him to know Max's son shares his name." 

The baby boy squealed out, smiling at his Grandmother as she told her story. "Yes," his mother smiled. "Your Grandpa Meyer would have been crazy about you! As crazy about you as he was your Daddy!" 

"That's what Max says," Helen smiled. 

They remained silent as they watched the baby boy become more awake, climbing off Helen's lap so he could explore. She stood him on the pew between them, watching as he held on to the back of the bench, bouncing up and down on his chubby legs. "What are you doing?" Helen laughed. "Are you trying to dance? If so, you totally got those moves from your Daddy. No way those came from me!" 

"You two are going to be what gets him through this," his mother said. "Helen, I know it's not your responsibility. This little one is your only responsibility, but...." 

"I'll do whatever I have to do," Helen said. 

They sat in silence, watching Meyer as he explored his surroundings between them, and for the first time in as long as Helen could remember, she didn't feel her defenses at an all-time high when it came to the woman next to her. No matter if she meant what she said or not, she had decided to let it go. Max was her concern now and making sure he got to stick around to see their son grow up.

Helen was lost in the baby boy who was holding on to her fingers as tightly as he could as he took a couple of wobbly steps across the bench, back into her arms when Max's mother's phone started ringing. She held Meyer in her arms, listening as she talked to whoever was on the other end of the line. "Ma..ma..ma," Meyer babbled. 

"What?" Helen smiled, kissing Meyer's head as he looked up at her with those eyes she fell in love with more and more each day. "You look too much like your Daddy," she laughed. The baby grinned back at her, almost as if he knew what she was saying. "Da..da..da..da," he repeated. 

Helen smiled, "Yes, you do. Way too much like your Daddy!" 

"They said Max is trying to wake up," his mother said, standing from where she was seated. Helen stood with Meyer in her arms, following the woman out of the chapel and down the hall toward the Intensive Care Unit. She knew his mother thought it was as simple as waking up, but Helen knew he could be conscious without being oriented to anything. She knew they could walk into that ICU and find a Max they didn't recognize. Would never recognize. 

They reached the Unit to find Lauren waiting on them, surrounded by other friends and staff members. "He's coming out of it, but he's combative, confused about where he is, they've had to restrain him...." 

"The hell they have," Helen said. "That's just going to make it worse!" 

"Helen," Lauren said. "I was just in there, and....." 

She could see her friend didn't want her going in to see what she had just witnessed, but there was no way she could stay away knowing he was awake and confused about where he was. She at least had to see him for herself, try to get through to him. She turned to her where her mother was waiting helplessly along with everyone else, "Can you?" 

"I'll take him," Max's mother said, stepping forward from where she stood next to his father, holding her arms out for the baby. "We won't be any good to him in there, you go." 

Helen kissed Meyer on the head, handing him over, as the baby started to whine and reach for her. "Meyer," Helen said, kissing his cheek. "You're ok with Gram, Mummy will be right back. You're fine! Nana and Papa are here too!" Her mother reached out, giving her arm a reassuring squeeze, and she knew Meyer would be ok. Her heart had never felt more torn, but she knew at that moment, Max needed her more. She turned, following Lauren through the doors of the ICU, and could see activity coming from his room. 

"He started coming out of it a bit ago," Lauren explained. "Once he became more awake, he started pulling at tubes and almost disconnected the ventilator. They didn't want to sedate him, due to the neurological issues, so they put him in wrist restraints. We've all tried talking to him, and he just doesn't respond to us. Just," she paused, placing her hand on Helen's shoulder. "Prepare yourself, ok? He may not be in there, Helen."

She shrugged Lauren off, knowing what her friend said was true, but refusing to believe it. She entered the room, seeing the man who had her whole heart pulling at the restraints secured around his wrists. He pulled, trying to turn himself in bed, doing anything he could to break free of the restraints holding him back. "Helen," Vijay said. "I don't think right now is the time....."

"Leave," she said, looking at all of the staff gathered around his bed, creating more noise and chaos than she could stand, not just waking up from hours of unconsciousness. 

"Helen, we..." Vijay replied. 

"Go!" She demanded. "Give me a few minutes in here, and if I can't calm him down, then you're welcome to come back in and do whatever it is you were planning to do." 

"He's not going to respond the way you think he is, Helen," Vijay replied. 

"Maybe not," she said. "Though I fail to see how what you've been doing before I walked in has helped!" 

She knew she had gotten through when the older man in front of her closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "I'll give you 10 minutes," he explained. "If he hasn't calmed down, we're going to have to give him a sedative before he hurts himself. You need to prepare yourself...." 

"I am prepared," Helen snapped. "This may be all we ever get back! I understand! But I'm going to be the one to decide that, ok? Not you or anyone else!"

Vijay nodded, quietly exiting the room and leaving her in there alone. She turned, seeing the man in front of her moving, refusing to stop pulling at the restraints, and knew she should feel as if he was a million miles away. She knew, logically, that she should accept he wasn't cognitively aware, and to save herself, she should turn and walk out of the room that instant. She couldn't. She couldn't turn and walk away. Instead, she walked toward him, taking his hand as she approached the side of his bed. "Max," she said quietly. 

"Hey," she said, reaching out to turn his face toward hers. "Hey," she whispered again, seeing his eyes slowly try to blink open, a glazed look present, before closing again. "Max, I'm here," she told him. "You're ok. You're going to be ok." He stopped moving, becoming still once again, and she was convinced he'd drifted back off into unconsciousness. "Max," she whispered. "I need you to look at me, ok? Can you do that? Can you open your eyes for me?"

For the next few minutes, he was perfectly still, eyes closed and as out of it as he had been the night before. Helen knew this could be all they'd ever get back, but she refused to accept it. She refused to accept this is all they'd been left with. She'd been here before, and she'd faced the harshest reality, but she refused to accept it where Max was concerned. To accept it would be betraying both Max and Meyer, and she refused to do that, she couldn't do that.

Deciding she no longer cared what Vijay would approve of, Helen slipped her shoes off and climbed in bed next to Max, careful not to disrupt any tubes or wires. She laid down next to him, turning toward him as she rested her arm across his chest. She was tired of begging him to come back, tired of pleading, she just needed to talk to him as she always had. She just needed the man who had so quickly become her best friend, the man she absolutely couldn't live without. The man who knew her better than she knew herself, annoying as admitting that was. "You know how I've always said Meyer got his mischievous side from you? Well, I still believe that," she said quietly. "He totally gets into everything, and he keeps us on our toes, but you know what else I've noticed? He's so adaptable. No matter what we put him through, no matter who he's with, he's the happiest little boy, and he totally gets that from you, Max. He does."

As she continued talking to him, gently running her fingers through his hair, she noticed his heart rate start to even out. "You remember when we found out he was a boy? I was so convinced we were having a girl, but you knew, and as always, I refused to listen to you." The memories of that stage of her pregnancy came back, and she was flooded with emotion. She had been so convinced they were having a daughter that she hadn't thought of a single name for a boy. She had purchased clothes for a girl, picked out a color scheme for the nursery at her place, and couldn't see herself with anything else. "We didn't even have to be told," she laughed. "The second we looked at the ultrasound screen, he had it all out there for us to see. Until that moment, I had no idea how I would feel to find out I was wrong but seeing your face...." Looking at Max in the seconds after he discovered they were having a son was the very moment she knew everything would be ok. "You've always loved him so much." 

Helen placed a kiss on his forehead, wiping her own tears as she continued talking to him. "I don't know what's going to happen," she said. "I don't know what you're going to face before all of this is over. I wish that I did. I wish I could swear to you that it wasn't going to be horrible, that you won't have a single day that almost gets the best of you, but I can't." The thought of seeing him face what countless patients of hers had faced killed her. Knowing there would be some days, he didn't even feel like holding their son could break her if she allowed it to. "What I can promise you is that I'll be there," she said. "I promise you, I will be there every step of the way just like you'd be there for me." 

She felt him turn his head toward her and knew he was in there. She didn't have to see proof, she knew in her heart he was responding to her being there. "Max," she whispered. Helen watched on in silence as she saw his eyes slowly blink open, those blue eyes that had her entire heart, and she knew the moment they made contact with hers that he was there. No matter how horrible he felt at that moment, he was there. "Hey," she said, her tears spilling over as she rested her head against his. "You're ok." She could feel him trying to lift his arm, not understanding why he couldn't and being unable to verbalize that. "Your arms are restrained," she explained, taking hold of one of his hands with hers. "Squeeze my hand if you understand and promise you won't pull anything if I release these." Very gently, she felt his hand squeeze her own. 

Helen reached down, unfastening the restraint from one wrist, praying he really understood and wouldn't try to pull anything out that he needed. Almost instantly, she felt his arm lift to rest on her hip, holding her to him, and the tears she had been holding back finally broke free as she sobbed into his chest. She didn't realize until that moment that'd she'd been holding her breath, silently preparing herself for the very worst, and the relief she felt knowing he was still there was more than she could process. As she continued crying, he soothingly ran his hand up and down her arm, and it was Max. No matter what he was facing, he was concerned about her. Helen slowly sat up in bed, wiping her tears, and looked at him, "I'm going to get Vijay, ok? They're going to take you off the ventilator, and then I'll be back, I promise." He slowly nodded his head, understanding exactly what she told him, and she kissed his cheek before exiting the room.

"Helen," Vijay said the second she exited the room. 

"He's awake," she said, fighting emotions as she explained the past minutes to them. "He understands. I told him you would be in to try to get him off the ventilator." 

Vijay was looking at her, shock evident on his face as he processed what she had just told him. "Max is awake? Following commands?"

"Go see for yourself," Helen told him. "He's awake and responded appropriately to me."

Vijay finally got himself together after a few moments. "Ok," he said. "We will go in and disconnect him from the ventilator. Give us a few minutes to make sure he can tolerate only being on supplemental oxygen before anyone else comes in." 

Helen nodded. "He needs to see Meyer, Vijay." The rules at New Amsterdam were in place for a reason, and no children were allowed in the Intensive Care Unit, but Helen didn't care. She was convinced the baby boy had been the biggest reason he had been able to hold on, and she would do whatever she had to do to make sure they didn't spend another day apart. "I know it's a lot to ask, but...."

"As soon as we make sure he's stable, you can bring Meyer," Vijay replied. "I'll send a nurse out to get you."

Helen exited the ICU, seeing everyone standing in the hallway, waiting for an update. She took Meyer back from Max's mother, holding him to her as she fought to keep herself together so she could update everyone. She would always believe the baby boy in her arms was the very thing that brought Max back to them. He was the reason Max wouldn't stop fighting, and he was the reason she had to believe Max would beat this. "He's awake and understands me. Vijay is taking him off the ventilator now." 

"He's awake?!" Lauren asked, a look of disbelief on her face. "Helen, I was in there and..."

"I don't know, Lauren," Helen said. "He just...."

"I'm not surprised," Max's father said tearfully. The man was doing all he could to hold himself together as his wife cried in his arms. Helen knew the couple in front of her had to have been mentally preparing to lose their son just as they'd lost their daughter, and despite their differences, she felt as much relief for them as she did for herself. "Thank you." 

Helen wiped the tears streaming down her cheeks as the baby boy in her arms reached out to touch her face. "Hey, baby," she said, kissing his little hand. "Your Daddy needs to see you so much, so I need you to roll with whatever you see in there, ok?" Meyer smiled up at her, babbling in response, and she had no idea why she was worried that Max would frighten him. 

"He's got this, Mama," Lauren smiled, tickling the baby's side and getting a laugh from him. "You've got this don't you, Meyer?" 

"He does," her father smiled. The change in her parents was just as marked as the change in Max's. It seemed as if both sets were finally on a similar page. 

"What will happen next?" His mother asked.

Helen turned to look at her, holding Meyer as the baby rested his head on her shoulder. "They'll make sure he can tolerate being off the ventilator and then we can go in. If it's ok, I'd like to take him in...." 

"Helen," she interrupted. "Of course, you take him in first. We'll go in once you've had your time." The offer was the first sign that she may have been sincere earlier, otherwise, Helen knew she would never allow anyone else in the room before her. 

"He'll be in the hospital a couple more days," she explained. "He won't be able to talk today, but over the coming days, his voice should return and get stronger. He'll also have a PET scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere, and Dr. Stauton will come up with a treatment plan for him before he leaves here." The next few days would be overwhelming and exhausting, and Helen had no idea how she'd juggle herself between the hospital and home, but not being there wasn't an option. There was no way she could go home and leave him to navigate everything by himself. 

Almost as if she could read her mind, Helen's mother gave her a hug. "We'll be here to help with Meyer however we can. You don't worry about how you'll juggle it all." 

"Same with us," Max's father assured her. "You guys tell us what we need to do, and we'll do it." 

Helen knew Max would most likely try to insist he would be fine to handle this alone. She knew as soon as he became fully aware, learning all that had happened, that he would probably shut down a bit and insist she not worry about him and focus her energy on Meyer. Before she had faced losing him, she may have gone along with it. Now, Helen had no intention of respecting those wishes. She was prepared to fight for him exactly the way he'd fight for her.

"Hey, little man," Floyd said, joining them as they waited outside of the ICU. "How's my guy? Yeah! How's my guy?" Helen smiled as Meyer kicked his legs excitedly as Floyd continued talking to him. "Are you gonna let me hold you? How about it?" He held his hands out to take the baby as Meyer grinned, turning to lay his head back on Helen's shoulder. "Really? You're really gonna do me that way?" 

Lauren smiled. "Nobody is taking him from his Mama," she laughed. "You can forget it. He might let you take him from Max, but never Helen."

"I see that," Floyd smiled, tickling the baby's foot. "How's Max? I came as soon as I heard!" 

"We're waiting to see if they can successfully get him off the ventilator," Helen explained. "But he's awake, and he understands and follows commands." 

After what seemed like forever, the double doors leading to the ICU opened, and Vijay stepped through. Helen didn't have to hear him say it, she knew by the look on his face that they'd been successful at getting Max off the ventilator and breathing completely on his own. "Max is off the ventilator," the older doctor informed everyone. "He's on a very small amount of oxygen via nasal cannula, and we've bandaged his tracheostomy site which will heal on its own in a couple weeks. Right now, he cannot speak, but as his throat heals, his voice should return without issue. He's responding appropriately, and I've updated him on everything that has happened since he was admitted. I'll continue to monitor him throughout today, and if he's had no complications neurologically, then he'll move to the Oncology unit tomorrow and solely under the care of Dr. Stauton."

Helen took a deep breath, fighting back tears at all she knew he still had to face, but so thankful he was still with them. Meyer lifted his head off her shoulder, smiling at her, and that was all it took to break the resolve she'd been fighting to hang on to. She kissed his little face, "You have no idea how much your Daddy needs to see you." She couldn't imagine the way Max must be feeling at the moment. She couldn't imagine facing all he was facing, knowing everything he had tried to prevent had blown up in his face in the worst way. Still, she knew seeing their son would help heal the broken parts of his spirit more than anything. 

"Helen," Vijay said. "If you and Meyer want to go visit...." 

She got herself together, not wanting Max to see how emotional she was, and followed Vijay into the Intensive Care Unit. "Vijay," she said, stopping the man before he reached the outside of Max's room. "How was he when you....." 

"I think he needs to see the two of you," he replied. "He knows what he faces, Helen. The only thing that will help right now is the two of you." 

She nodded, smiling politely, and watched as he left her standing there to go in whenever she was ready. The baby boy in her arms was looking all around, taking in his brand new surroundings as he kept a hold on her. "You ready to see Daddy?" Meyer grinned back at her, his 2 bottom teeth visible, and her heart melted. She didn't know if there was anything she could possibly say to make the situation better, but she knew Meyer would help. "Yeah? You ready to see Daddy? I know he's ready to see you!" 

Helen slid the glass door to Max's room open, pulling the curtain, and seeing Max propped up in bed awake and alert did more for her than she even knew she needed. Their eyes met across the room, and she didn't have to be told, at that moment, he was an open book when it came to her. He didn't have it in him to fight anymore. He didn't have the strength to fight. He just needed them. The baby boy squealed out, kicking his legs the moment he noticed Max awake and looking his way. "I told you we were coming to see Daddy," Helen laughed tearfully, unable to control her emotions at seeing how happy Meyer was the second he spotted Max. 

She made her way over to the bed, and before she could hand Meyer over, she noticed tears streaming down Max's cheeks. She passed Meyer to him, trying to be careful of tubes and wires, but Max took the baby boy in his arms, holding him as tightly as he could as he finally broke down. Almost as if Meyer knew exactly what was needed, the little one laid his head on Max's shoulder and snuggled into him. She had never seen Max break the way he was breaking in front of her, but he had come so close to never seeing their son again, and she couldn't fathom what he must be feeling. 

Helen felt him take her hand in his, gently pulling her toward them, and she knew he needed her as close as he needed Meyer. Without saying a word, she climbed in his bed next to them and felt him place a kiss on her forehead. They were both lost in their emotions, their little boy nestled between them when the baby lifted his head off of Max's chest and smiled up at him. Helen watched as Max kissed his little face, closing his eyes as he breathed the little one in. 

"Tell Daddy you've been such a good boy," Helen smiled, taking hold of Meyer's hand. "You've slept and eaten and been perfect this whole time, huh?"

The little one babbled, reaching out the second he noticed the bandage on Max's throat, and Helen quickly took his hand in hers. "No, no, Meyer," she smiled. "You can't pull on Daddy's bandage." 

She watched silently as Max took his tiny hand and allowed him to touch the white cotton bandage, smiling when the little one looked up at him and grinned. He was so much like Max. So curious and inquisitive, and Helen wasn't surprised at all that Max knew allowing him to explore was the best way to handle their little one. As soon as he had touched the bandage, he was no longer interested and had moved on to trying to figure out the pocket on Max's hospital gown. 

Helen leaned forward, kissing the baby boy's head as he busied himself with Max's gown. Looking up, her eyes met Max's, and for the first time in almost as long as she could remember, there was no noise between them. It took one of them being unable to speak, unable to mess things up with too many words, unable to dance around what really mattered for them to understand exactly what the other felt at that moment. She leaned forward, placing a kiss on his forehead, before lying down next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. Max rested his head against hers as they watched the baby boy between them, and for the first time since the nightmare started, Helen felt like this time might be different. They were both fighting for the little one in their arms, and there were no limits to what they'd do for him. No limits to what they'd do for them. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again: I have very little medical knowledge, so I did my best to research before writing. Hopefully, the accuracy isn't too far off, but please accept this as my disclaimer if any glaring mistakes are noticed.

The world looked different.

From the biggest things in his life down to the smallest details, it all looked different. 

Max had been so certain that his final night on earth, his final time to see his baby boy, his final words to his parents happened the night they'd been on their way back to the cabin when he truly believed his luck had run out. When the breathing difficulty had started, and he'd directed his father to the nearest hospital as soon as possible, he'd managed to kiss Meyer on the head, telling him he loved him and truly believed that was the last time he would ever see his son. At that moment, he should have felt fear and panic, but all he felt was regret at allowing his stupidity to steal whatever time he might have left away. Pain at leaving his son behind to navigate a world without him. Pain at knowing Meyer would have no real memory of him. At that moment, if he could have gone back in time, he would have told Helen what was going on from the second he found out. He would have done so many things differently. He would have done everything he could to stay alive for the little one next to him in his car seat, completely unaware of the horror that was unfolding around him. 

When he heard her voice as he came out of the fog, Max was convinced he was dead. If there was a heaven out there, it was her, and hearing her voice as she spoke about their son was the only version of eternity he wanted to believe in. Nothing else mattered but them. Helen and Meyer were everything, his whole heart, and at that moment, he knew if he was going to get better for anyone, it would be for them. He would fight as hard as he had to fight for them. 

Max looked over, seeing her sleeping form on the sofa in his hospital room, and he wished he was selfless enough to send her home. He wished he was selfless enough to face what was coming without her, but he wasn't. The hurt look on her face as she begged him to stop shutting her out when it came to this was more than he could take, and he would never keep anything from her again. Not only had he almost left her to raise their son alone, he had hurt her. She had forgiven him, but he wasn't sure he'd ever forgive himself. Helen had been splitting her time between the hospital and home over the past several days, and Max knew she was exhausted, but he'd be lying to himself if he said he didn't need her. 

As soon as he was well enough to be discharged from ICU, he'd moved to the Oncology unit at New Amsterdam, and the sights he saw there were terrifying. He'd spent plenty of time on the unit, even after Helen left for Sloan-Kettering, but never as a patient. As he walked the halls to regain his strength, the patients he saw did nothing to make him feel better. There was no way he would be where some of those people were in a matter of weeks. There was no way he would look so weak, emaciated, and beaten down. There was no way the looks on the faces of their family members would be present on the faces of those he loved the most. There was just no way. He'd spent most of his days in his room, distracting himself with TV and various visitors, and doing his best to avoid the truth right outside his door. It wasn't until he heard her voice on the phone or saw her enter his room that he felt peace. 

No matter how much he wanted to spare her, save her from what was surely coming, he needed her. 

He heard a knock at the door, looking up to see Iggy, and silently pointed to Helen asleep over on the sofa so his boisterous colleague wouldn't wake her. She deserved every second of sleep she could get, and if he had to sit quietly in that room all day until she woke, he would do it. Virginia could wait. Discharge could wait. Everything could wait. 

"Hey, Boss," Iggy said quietly. "Ready for your walking papers, I see!" Max had been dressed and ready to go for the past hour. As soon as Dr. Stauton came by to go over his treatment plan, he was finally being discharged. He couldn't wait to see Meyer and sleep in his own bed. Beyond that, Max had no idea what the next steps would be. He had no idea what level of fear and anxiety he should be feeling, but all he could think about was getting out of there and seeing his boy. 

"Not a moment too soon," Max said, his voice barely above a whisper. 

"How you feeling?" Iggy took a seat on the end of the bed, careful to keep his voice down as to not wake Helen. 

Max shrugged. "I know it's not going to last, but aside from a sore throat, I'm feeling pretty good." 

Iggy smiled. "No," he said. "It's definitely not going to last, but you've got this." He turned to look Helen's way. "And she's got this, so don't fight her on anything, ok? You're really in no position. I wasn't gonna say anything, but you've looked better!" 

Max smiled. "I'm done keeping anything from her, believe me." 

Iggy laughed quietly, knowing as well as he did that it was best to allow Helen to take the lead on this one. Anything less made no sense. "Listen, I know you guys have your parents, but if you ever need Martin and me to babysit the little guy, don't hesitate to call us. The kids would love having Meyer around for an afternoon or evening! Especially Sameera!"

Max could tell the man in front of him was sincere, and he appreciated the offer, but he knew having Meyer around as much as possible would be the only way to keep his spirits up. Seeing the pure joy in their baby boy was the thing that would remind him exactly what the dark days were for. "Thank you," Max replied. "We'll definitely keep you guys in mind if we need any help." 

"You'll be out for how long?"

Max knew Helen would disagree with the plan he was trying to figure out in his head, but he couldn't stop working just as much as he couldn't spend time away from Meyer. He needed normalcy. He needed distraction. He needed to feel like himself. "The rest of this week for sure," Max said. "I'll know more once we talk with Virginia. I hope to work as much as possible." 

Iggy nodded, expecting the answer he'd been given. "As long as you know that your health, Helen, and Meyer come before this place. If you've nothing left to give, don't give what you do have to us. Give it to them." He made sense, Max knew that, and he had faith he'd be able to set limits for himself once in the thick of it. "There's a whole list of people who are willing to step up while you're out, so don't give us a second thought." 

"Easier said than done," Max smiled. 

"Try your best," Iggy replied, standing from his place on Max's bed. "Like I said if you guys need anything!" 

"You'll be the first to know," Max promised. 

He looked at the clock, seeing it was almost 10am, and wondered where Virginia was. He was ready to go, ready to get out of the hospital and back to some semblance of normal life. He was ready to see Meyer and get lost in his antics, their baby boy a distraction from every horrible thing he knew he still had to face. Reaching over, he got the manilla envelope off the bedside table and took a deep breath at what he was about to ask Helen. She had never told him, but he now knew she had taken on the same role for Mohammad, and Max felt selfish to even think of asking her to do the same for him. They weren't together, not technically, and his only thought should be protecting her. There was no one else he trusted. No one else he would hand his life over to except her. 

"He is so loud," he heard coming from Helen, who still remained on the sofa. "I know he tries not to be, but his voice just carries." 

Max smiled as she sat up, grabbing her water off the table next to her and taking a drink. She had been there since a little after 8am, and Max knew she was exhausted, but she would never admit that to anyone. "He means well." 

"He does," Helen replied. "Though if he thinks either of our mothers will allow him to keep Meyer for 5 seconds, well...."

Max laughed, "He doesn't have to know they think they're the only ones capable of watching him." When he found out his mother had informed Georgia of his condition, he'd been angry. That anger had given way to fury when he discovered Georgia had actually been at the hospital and argued with Helen about his treatment plan. Max knew he needed to have a conversation with his mother about her behavior, but he'd been too angry, all of the times she had been rude to Helen replaying in his mind, and it was too much. Helen had refused to discuss it whenever he brought it up, saying it didn't matter and the only thing she cared about was getting him well, but he knew the conversation would have to happen. He wouldn't have the mother of his child threatened by the presence of his ex-wife. He wouldn't have his privacy invaded by her. They had forfeited the right to know details of one another's lives when they signed their divorce papers. They weren't friends. They were nothing to one another, and if his mother wanted a place in his life, it was to be respected. "Can you come sit for a second," he asked, patting the bed beside him. He wanted to have the discussion before Virginia came in. 

Helen stood, slowly making her way over to him, and the look on her face told him she had no idea what he was about to discuss with her. "I know I don't have any right to ask you this," he said, taking the paperwork from the envelope. "And you have every right to refuse. Promise I won't be upset if you do. I know it's a lot to ask, and it's not your place, I get that." Max felt it was her place, but he understood she may be on a different page. He didn't want to assume anything. "I had these drawn up before all of this gets underway. I don't want there to be any confusion or fighting," he explained. Had his father not listened to Helen when it came to him having surgery, Max had no idea where he'd be. He had no idea if he would have ever woke to see his son again. "Would you be my healthcare proxy? There is nothing you have to decide alone, everything I want is outlined in this paperwork, but I just need someone with a level head who understands and is willing to do what I want. I figured that...." 

"Yes," Helen said simply. 

"Yeah?" He smiled, relief evident in his voice.

"I'll make sure your wishes are carried out exactly as you want them," she promised. "As long as there isn't anything crazy in there." 

Max smiled. "You can read the whole thing before you sign, and we have it notarized. Promise there isn't anything crazy and you already know most of what I'd want anyway." 

"I needed to talk to you about something too," she said, a look of uncertainty on her face. "I know you aren't going to feel well some days, so the whole custody agreement between us where Meyer is concerned, just toss that out the window, ok? If you want to see him and feel up to it, I'll make sure it happens. I'm not working right now, so it won't be a problem. You won't be a burden or a bother," she promised. "If you want to see him every day, you just need to tell me that."

"Thank you," he said. He couldn't imagine not wanting to see Meyer every day, but he could imagine not wanting to be too much on Helen.

"The past few nights," she said. "When we've gotten off the phone with you, he calls for you for a good 15 minutes before he finally settles down. Just "Da da da" over and over and over again." 

Max smiled. "That's a change! Usually he's calling for you!" 

"I think it's whoever he doesn't have at the moment," Helen replied. "He's more of a Daddy's Boy than you think he is!"

They heard a knock on the door, both looking up to see Virginia enter, and the dread Max felt in the pit of his stomach was overwhelming. Until now, he could pretend this wasn't happening. For the past few days, he could stay in his hospital room, ignoring what he was about to face. Hearing the plan laid out in front of him for the first time would make it all too real. "Max, Helen," she smiled, closing the door behind her. "How are you two this morning?" 

"Just ready to get out of here," Max said. 

Virginia smiled. "I've already put your discharge orders in, so as soon as I'm finished going over all of this, a nurse will be in to get you out of here!" The doctor he respected more than anyone in her department got a chair, pulling it closer to the bed before taking a seat. "I'm going to outline the best treatment plan for you as I see it, but if you have questions about something, or disagree with anything I say, don't hesitate to speak up. That goes for both of you." 

Max felt sick at the thought of hearing what she had to say, knowing it was about him. He wasn't listening in on a conference concerning another patient to offer his professional opinion, he wasn't standing by feeling sorry for a man or woman he'd never know. He was listening to hear how she planned to save his life. "Will do," he replied. 

"My plan consists of combined chemo and radiation therapy for a period of 6 weeks," Virginia began. "You'll have chemotherapy once a week for those 6 weeks, and you'll undergo radiation for 30 straight days. I've seen the most success with that regimen, and as you already know, with the location and stage of your cancer, I feel it's the best option at a cure you have. I am confidant that with this plan, not only can we treat this, we can cure this. That's our goal." 

Max listened quietly, knowing Helen's silence was an agreement with Virginia. As soon as he could speak again, he'd brought up precision targeted therapy, knowing the side effects he dreaded the thought of wouldn't be an issue. He'd asked about colleagues of hers who might have a clinical trial he could enter. He'd wracked his brain trying to come up with anything but what he knew he was up against. The treatment Helen believed in as much as Dr. Stauton. He didn't want to do chemotherapy and radiation, alone they were enough to have him down in a matter of weeks, but together he was certain they'd get the best of him in no time. He didn't know how to be still, to not help, and the thought of that was more terrifying than the cancer. He had never been sidelined in his adult life, and he had no idea how he would learn to cope with that. He had no idea how to be alone with himself when he stopped trying to help everyone else. 

"Before you begin," she continued. "You'll have to undergo quadruple molar extraction as your back molars will fall into the field of radiation. You'll have a port placed for chemotherapy. It's also standard practice to go ahead and have a PEG tube placed before there is ever a need for it. I'd like to schedule you for all of those within the next couple weeks, and then we'll get started with your treatment." 

"Can I wait and see if the PEG tube will be necessary?" He didn't want one more outward sign of the cancer, one more part of him that would ultimately fail due to this. He knew there would be enough he simply couldn't ignore without a tube going to his stomach to provide nutrition he was unable to take himself. 

Helen placed her hand on his arm, "You'll need it, Max. It's just better to go ahead and have it done before starting chemo and radiation. I'd tell you the exact same thing." 

Max sighed. "And once we start this, how soon before I'm unable to go about my life as I normally would? How long before work becomes impossible?" 

"A few weeks," Virginia replied. "You're a young, fit guy. You'll be able to power through longer than some, but my main concern will be the chance of opportunistic infection given your job and the fact you'll be immunocompromised. We'll see, but you need to make plans for an extended leave of absence before all of this is over. It won't last forever, Max."

He nodded, knowing there was no need to argue. He would do whatever he had to do, walk through whatever hell he had to walk through, as long as he got to see his son grow up. Before Meyer, he would have fought this the entire way, even after Helen told him she felt this was the best treatment, but he couldn't now. He wasn't doing this for himself, he was doing it for a little boy who needed his father. "What about Meyer? Is there a point he won't be able to be around me?" 

"I don't see where Meyer will pose any risk," Dr. Stauton replied. "As long as he isn't sick himself. Understand if he gets a cold or tummy bug, he cannot be around you until he's well. There will be no exceptions. The external radiation won't pose any risk to him, and he won't be around bodily fluids that could excrete chemotherapy." 

"You hear that?" Max said, looking at Helen. He knew all of this, and he knew very well she knew all of this, but her stubborn nature called for at least one witness. "If I'm sick and don't want you hovering, you understand it's for your health and his." 

"You aren't going to be any risk to them, Max," Virginia said. "Meyer won't be coming with you to the infusion clinic."

"She's still breastfeeding him," Max replied. "She doesn't need to be around bodily fluids any more than he does." If he had it his way, he would hole up in his apartment and not come out until it was all over with. He would hide away to be sick in private, isolated from those he loved, sparing them from the awful things he knew were coming. 

Helen rolled her eyes. "As if I would ever handle your vomit without gloves, Max, honestly. I've been working with Oncology patients since Meyer was 8 weeks old. I think I can handle myself around chemotherapy." 

Max decided to hush, knowing he was headed for trouble if he continued. The helpless feeling made him react stronger to things he could control, and if keeping Helen and Meyer away while he was sick was all he could control, then he planned to do just that. He had to have something. 

"There is one more thing I need to discuss with you," Virginia said. "It's nothing you have to decide on today, but it is something you'll have to decide on before beginning treatment. You'll receive Cisplatin throughout your treatment, and unfortunately, it's known to have detrimental effects on fertility. Once you've completed treatment, you may have a significantly lower sperm count, or you may not produce sperm at all. Some have no lasting effects and go on to have children without any issue, but I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't inform you that there is a strong possibility you'll have fertility problems once this is all over with. So, if you think there may even be the slightest chance you want more children in the future, then I strongly suggest sperm cryopreservation. I know it may seem unimportant now, but I've had patients think that and realize in a few years that they made a huge mistake. It'll be too late then." 

Max listened to everything the woman was telling him, but the only thought going through his mind at the moment was the fact he had Meyer, and he would never want anything else with anyone else. He couldn't imagine having a family aside from the one he shared with Helen, so the idea of preserving fertility wasn't high on his list. "I don't think that'll be a big issue where I'm concerned." 

"Max," Helen said. "It's something you need to seriously consider before you brush it aside as if it's nothing." 

"I don't need to think about it." He had everything he wanted, and going through with fertility preservation would be one more thing added to his already full plate. The fact they were enough in his life was the one certainty in a whirlwind of chaos and he refused to have it taken from him. There would never be anyone else. 

Helen simply looked at him. "You have no idea where you'll be a few years down the road, and there will be nothing you can do about it then. I just think...." 

"I'm not having any more children, Helen," he said. "Why would I want another child? Meyer is enough for me. He's all I want." 

Virginia looked between them, not wanting to get in the middle of whatever argument they were having, so she chose to continue. "As I said, it doesn't have to be decided today, but before you start treatment, you need to make a decision and be at peace with it. In this packet, I've enclosed names of the fertility specialists that I recommend, but I'm sure you have recommendations also, Helen." 

"Won't be necessary," Max said. "But thank you." 

He could tell Helen didn't agree when she stood from her place on his bed and started packing his things so they could leave as soon as his discharge paperwork was signed. "You'll set up his appointments for the molar extraction, port, and PEG placement?"

"I will," Virginia replied. "Do you have a preference on who does those?"  
  
"No," Max replied. 

"Then I'll have my office get all of those things set up with the first available and call you with the scheduled dates and times," she replied. "You'll have to bring someone with you to all appointments." 

"I'll be with him," Helen informed her. 

They finished up the final details of their meeting, and Virginia excused herself from the room. Max watched as Helen finished gathering his things, packing them into a bag, and took a seat on the sofa in the room as she began scrolling through her phone. It may have been the fact he had nothing else to lose, or it may have been the pain medication he had been given a bit earlier, but he suddenly found himself tired of dancing around topics they had danced around from the moment they met. He found himself tired of pretending. Something had changed between them since everything happened, something palpable, and he couldn't ignore it any longer.

"Helen," he said. 

She looked up, and he could instantly tell she was irritated with him. He could tell she felt dismissed by their earlier conversation. If he didn't know any better, she was hurt. "Yes?" 

"Why are you mad?" Normally, he would have never pressed the issue, but today he didn't care. He was tired of all the things left unspoken between them. Tired of making assumptions. 

"Who said I was mad?" Helen asked, looking at him with feigned indifference. "It's your life, Max." 

Max laughed to himself. "It's the one thing I don't have to worry about, Helen. I have to worry about everything else, and banking sperm is one thing I can leave off my plate. I'd think you'd understand that." 

Helen sighed. "Ok, Max. It's one less thing for you to worry about, I'm happy for you." 

He shook his head in disbelief. "I don't understand why you care!" Deep down, in the very pit of his heart, he did know, and he refused to let the conversation go until she admitted it to him. If she was going to be upset with him, she was at least going to admit why that was. She was going to admit it upset her because she saw herself in his future just as much as he saw her there. It didn't matter how many years passed, he only saw her. "I have Meyer. I'm never going to look for anyone else to have another child with. I have exactly what I want, and I just don't see why this is such a big deal to you." 

"You have absolutely no idea where your life will be a couple of years from now," she argued. "Did you think a couple of years ago that you'd be here today?" 

Max looked at her, his next words full of sarcasm, though she didn't deserve it. "Laid up in the Oncology unit just hoping I'll be around to see my son's 1st birthday? No, Helen, the universe got that one over on me!" 

Helen rolled her eyes. "You didn't see having Meyer 2 years ago, Max. You know that's what I meant. He wasn't even a thought. You didn't even know me 2 years ago. All I'm saying is you cannot possibly know how you'll feel even a year from now." 

"I do know how I'll feel a year from now, Helen," he replied. She was angry, hurt, but refused to tell him why. That didn't change the fact that he had never been more certain of anything in his life. There would never be a future for him that didn't include her and Meyer. "I don't want anything else. What I have right now, that is what I want, and I just don't understand why it matters to you!"

"Because maybe I do, Max!" She finally said, shutting him down, though her face betrayed the confidence in her statement. "Maybe I do want another child! I don't know! Maybe I do want Meyer to have a sibling, and I just don't understand you being so flippant about it! Not when Virginia sat right here and told you it was now or never when it comes to making this decision! This isn't something you can look back on and wish you'd decided differently!" 

Max sat looking at her for the longest time, a smirk on his face he couldn't remove even if he tried. Everything in him knew she had just admitted this sibling she _maybe_ wanted for Meyer would be with him, but if she chose to backtrack and deny it, he didn't really want to risk looking like a fool. He was tired of dancing around the topic, but he didn't want to scare her away. He didn't want to send her running like he had the last time he felt her beginning to open up. She was free to meet someone, have more children, and though the thought of it wasn't anything he wanted to explore, it would be her right. It was her right to be happy, even if it was with someone else. He, however, would never find anyone else. He didn't want anyone else. "And what does that have to do with me, Helen? And don't shut down because this really isn't the time." 

She refused to answer him, refused to look at him, instead, she kept her eyes on the TV even though there was no way she was paying any attention to the program currently on. "Helen," he tried again. "You wanted to go here, so we're here."

She turned to him, and if looks could kill, he wouldn't have to worry about facing treatment for his cancer. "Do you honestly think there is anyone else, Max? Do you honestly believe I'm planning on going out and looking for someone else? That I want to have children with anyone else?" She stopped, her voice beginning to break, and he could see the unshed tears in her eyes. "I don't really know what I want, but I do know that I don't want it with anyone else, and that terrifies me. It wasn't supposed to happen, but it did, and I don't even know if I'm strong enough for it, but here we are, Max." 

Max sat there, unable to speak for the longest time. He had started out trying to get the best of her, and she had opened up in a way he never expected. If he were a selfless man, he would have told her to save herself. He would have told her that no matter what she might feel for him, no matter what she might see for them in the future, to save herself and run. She had been through too much already, lost too much, and the fact he could be yet another loss made him want to save her in a way he never had before. He wanted so badly to protect her from anything bad. Only he wasn't selfless, and the thought that she might really want a future with him was something he couldn't let go of even if he knew it was the right thing to do. He couldn't let go of her no matter how hard he tried. "Here we are," he said, holding his hand out to her. 

She slowly got up from where she was seated and made her way over to him. He took her hand in his, trying to be so careful as he found his words, "If _you're_ asking me to make the appointment, it's made," he said, honestly. "There is no one else, Helen, and there will never be anyone else. You have to know that. That's why it's so easy for me to dismiss that possibility. It's you and Meyer, or it's nothing."

Helen wiped her tears, holding his hand in hers, and was quiet for the longest time. "So, what are we doing? I don't know that I have the energy to explore this thing between us right now, Max. I'm putting everything I have into Meyer and into making sure we don't lose you, and...."

"We don't have to explore anything," he said. "Nothing has to change right now. You know how I feel about you, and nothing is going to change that. I just need you to be honest with me, ok? I need you to tell me if you have an opinion about something because what you think matters. It matters, Helen, and for me, this isn't just my life. We don't have to explore anything right now, we don't have to change anything, but once this is over, and we do have time to work on it....I want you, Helen. I want us."

For so long after they met, he had wanted to say those words to her. There were so many times he almost blurted them out, knowing the risk he was taking by doing so. The things he had learned about her past was enough to break him. She didn't deserve to feel that kind of pain again, and he knew very well that he could be taking her with him into the same nightmare, but he didn't know another way. She had become such a part of his life that often times he couldn't tell where he ended and she began. To deny what he felt now, or die later, the outcome would be the same. There was no life without her. 

The next few minutes were quiet as they moved about the room gathering what remained of his things. For a few day hospital stay, the things he thought he needed had accumulated more than he realized. Max couldn't tell what she was thinking, couldn't tell if all they'd just admitted had scared her to the point of running like last time. Only this time, there was no way he could take it. "Hey," he said, catching her hand as she made her way past him to pack something else. "You ok?" 

The moment she looked up at him, Max knew this was different. The vulnerability there told him everything she didn't have to say. He wrapped her in his arms, breathing a sigh of relief when he felt her rest her head on his chest. It was the first time since this nightmare started that he had felt truly at peace. Having her in his arms was peace. "Here we are," she said, laughing softy against his chest. 

He smiled, kissing her head, "Here we are." 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay in posting this update. Things have been a bit busier for me lately, so updates may not come as frequently, but I am committed to seeing this one through!

The sounds coming from the kitchen were deafening as Max woke from his post-anesthesia haze. He slowly opened his eyes, seeing he hadn't made it beyond the couch when Helen had dropped him off at his parents' house after the quadruple molar extraction. The procedure itself had gone fine, he was minus his back 4 molars, but he could definitely say he'd had better days. 

The past week had been a whirlwind. As soon as he was home from the hospital, appointments were being made for everything imaginable. He'd been fitted for his radiation mask and gotten his tattoo, had more lab work drawn than he ever had before in his life, had been to the fertility specialist where he decided to proceed with sperm cryopreservation, had been given his treatment schedule, and had 4 teeth removed. Next, he'd have his port placed, and then the PEG tube. Max dreaded it with everything in him. He could handle the needles, radiation paraphernalia, awkwardly discussing freezing his sperm with a doctor who also happened to be one of his employees, and the throbbing pain coming from his mouth at the moment. All of that was easy compared to the thought of having a feeding tube coming from his stomach. There was something about it he hated more than anything. 

He slowly sat up, getting his bearings before standing and looking around his parents' living room. It was after dark, yet he had no idea how many hours had gone by since he'd come in and passed out on their sofa. His face felt as if it weighed 100 pounds, and the only thing he could think about was taking his next dose of pain medication so he could drift back off into oblivion. He laughed softly as he noticed the pictures of Meyer far outnumbered pictures of himself despite having almost 40 years on the little one. No matter their differences, Helen had always made sure to include his parents when it came to sharing pictures of the baby, and their living room had turned into something of a shrine.

"I was wondering when you'd finally wake up," his Mom said, smiling as he entered the kitchen. He took a seat at the table, not wanting to waste his energy on speaking at the moment. He watched as she went to the refrigerator, getting him something to drink, and brought it over to place on the table. "You can't have straws right now. I know your mouth still feels weird, but try drinking something." When he wasn't feeling well, his Mom had a knack for acting as if he had never been to medical school a day in his life. Only this time, he didn't have the energy to argue with her. He picked up the cup, taking a small sip of the liquid, and placed it back on the table. 

"Helen and the baby should be here any minute," she said, cleaning up from dinner. "I invited them to eat with us, but they were going out with her parents. She called and said they were finishing up a bit ago, so it should be soon!" The thought of food made him want to vomit, but he didn't think that'd be the best idea at the moment. "She's bringing soup that you like," his mom continued. "I didn't think you'd be able to eat what we had." 

He continued to sit in silence, still groggy, but slowly processing all he'd just been told. Since coming home from the hospital, Helen had been there for everything. She'd gone to every appointment, picked up every prescription, and he knew had given more instructions to his parents than she'd ever admit to giving. They'd never discussed them again, or anything they had sorted out before leaving the hospital, but Max could tell things had changed. The shift that happened was one of the only things getting him through the torture of the past week, and seeing her and Meyer was the only thing he looked forward to. 

A part of him was glad they hadn't jumped back in full force. It wasn't the time, and she'd been right in saying they didn't have the energy. It was all they could do to keep up with everything he had going on and life as normal as possible for their son. It might seem silly to most to step back into things so slowly after starting out so hot and heavy that it resulted in their baby boy, but it made sense to Max. One day, he'd never go to bed or wake up without her next to him, but right now, he was fine keeping things how they were. It made the time spent together that much better, the goodbyes that much sweeter, and the time apart that much harder. They had always been his reason to beat this, but knowing what would be on the other side of the nightmare gave him more motivation than he would have ever found on his own. 

"Saved the last banana for little man," Max's Dad said as he entered the kitchen. "He was so funny today at lunch. I didn't know he'd eat a whole one by himself, so I tried cutting him off at a half and he was not happy. I had to slice the rest of it up and feed it to him."

Max smiled, "He loves bananas." 

"He's such a Mama's Boy," his mom laughed. "The whole time he was here today while you two were at the oral surgeon's office, he'd crawl around the living room calling for her. Your father and I would distract him, but as soon as we stopped, he was calling for Mommy again."

Seeing how much Meyer loved Helen was one of his favorite things, and it didn't bother him at all that he absolutely came second in their son's world. "He does that when I have him sometimes. Especially at bedtime." 

His mom smiled, "He wasn't the easiest to put down for his nap."

"You have to hold him till he's sound asleep. That's what Helen does," Max told her. "You figure it out eventually." 

His mom came over to take a seat next to him. "I want you to know I apologized to Helen," she said. "I know I've given her no reason to believe what I told her was true, but it was, Max. I know I've not treated her fairly since the beginning, and that was never her fault. The night you were in surgery, she said something to me, and it made me realize how wrong I've been."

"What'd she say?" Max had no idea about the encounter between his mother and Helen. It hadn't been mentioned. He just assumed there had been an unspoken truce between the women while he was sick. Everything seemed so trivial when cancer was thrown in the mix. The things that mattered before, didn't seem to matter quite as much when life hung in the balance. 

"She asked what specifically I didn't like about her," his mom answered. "It hit me like a ton of bricks, Max. I have _never_ had a problem with Helen. I think she's a lovely person and a brilliant doctor. She's a wonderful mother to our grandson, and the two of you just click. It's so easy to see that, Max. My problem has never been with Helen, ever."

"So why have you treated her the way you have? Why have I had to defend the mother of my child to you countless times? How many arguments have we had?" If his mom wanted to discuss long-suppressed issues, the anesthesia induced fog he found himself in was game for it. "She didn't do anything, Mom. I know you love Georgia and hated that we divorced, but it had nothing to do with Helen. I loved Georgia the best I could because I didn't even know what love was. It took me a while to realize that, but it's true. To stay with her would have been wrong. She knew it, and I knew it. We wanted different lives." As he heard the words coming from his mouth, he couldn't believe he was admitting those things to his mother, but it was long overdue. It needed to be said to move forward and to make her understand. 

“I was just confused, Max,” she replied. “I was confused, and I reacted poorly. I struggled with the divorce, and then we found out about Helen and the baby. It was all so sudden.” The day he told his parents he was going to be a father was a day he would never forget. He would always remember the look on his mother’s face as she processed the fact her grandchild wouldn’t belong to the daughter-in-law she had loved so much. 

“It wasn’t sudden,” Max said. “It was the first you heard of Helen, but we had been together for months. Meyer wasn’t some mistake I felt obligated to take care of. It’s different with Helen, it always has been.”

"I know that," she said. "I'm not as blind as you think I am."

"Then why?" She brought it up, so as far as he was concerned, he was getting an explanation. 

"When you were married to Georgia," she began. "We were closer to you. We saw you more, knew what was going on in your life. I know we weren't great parents to you, Max, but you're our only child, and of course, I was going to love whatever drew us closer to you." 

"Mom," Max said. 

"No," she replied. "Let me finish. I was jealous of the relationship Helen has with her parents. Watching how close they are to her, seeing how close she is to her mother, it made me realize what we don't have with you. I'll never be able to apologize enough for the things I said the day Meyer was born, I know that but it was jealousy, and I've been too ashamed to admit it. It's hard seeing how close her parents are with Meyer, but I understand why that is. I understand how I've ended up in the position I'm in. I've put myself there, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to try as hard as I can to be better." 

Max could tell his mother was being sincere. Now that he was a father, he couldn't imagine losing a child. Growing up, he did resent the attention they spent on his sister. She was gone, and no matter how much they grieved, she was never coming back. The moment he held Meyer in his arms, Max suddenly understood how they'd become buried under the weight of that loss. It didn't make the time lost any better, and it didn't change what had become of his relationship with his parents, but he understood in a way he had never been able to before. "I want to be better, Mom. I don't want Meyer growing up thinking he has one set of grandparents that are better and more accessible than the other. He needs all of you. It's not easy for me either, allowing you guys in all of the time, but I'm trying for him. I want you guys to know him." 

"He's everything to us," his mother said, wiping her tears. "You have no idea how much that little boy healed our hearts, and we want to be there for both of you. We want a closer relationship with both of you." 

"We're a packaged deal, Mom," Max told her. "Only way this is ever going to work is if you accept Helen and leave Georgia where she belongs. I know things are complicated between us, they have been, but the two of them are my life, and you can't have one of us without all of us. She's amazing, Mom. Has the biggest heart I've ever seen and would do anything for anyone she loves. I'm not going to see her mistreated or her kindness thrown back in her face. I'm not going to have her feeling as if she's living in the shadow of someone who has nothing to do with me anymore." 

"I understand that," his mother said. "I've told Georgia our friendship has to end. I told her that before you ever got out of the hospital. We can't continue living in the past."

Max looked at her, unable to believe she had really cut his ex-wife out of her life, but having no other choice but to believe her. "Maybe focus the effort you put into keeping a relationship up with her into having one with Helen. She's never going to open up to you the way Georgia did, that isn't who she is, and she has her own mother, but you could try. You could put forth some effort. If you try with her, I promise she'll try with you. That's just who she is. The way she's treated is the one thing I'm never going to overlook. I can't. What kind of father would I be to sit back and allow my son's mother to be mistreated? Meyer is never going to see that." 

"I understand that, Max, and of course, you can't overlook it," she replied. "I promise you things will be different. I feel as if they already are, and I won't stop doing my part. I never meant to hurt Helen. I was angry, and I lashed out like I tend to do, but that's never going to happen again."

Max nodded. "This conversation has to end," he said. "My mouth is killing me." 

His mom stood from the table, "I'm sorry, honey. Do you want some pain medicine? I think you can take it every 4 hours." 

"No," Max replied. "I want to see them without being on pain meds. I'll take some before I go to bed." 

He watched on quietly as his parents worked together cleaning up from dinner. Although life had not been kind to them, they had somehow managed to figure out how to stay together for all this time. They had managed to survive one of the hardest tests a couple will ever face, and still be together decades later. Their life wasn't perfect, but Max would be lying if he said he didn't hope to have what they had someday. One failed marriage and a child out of wedlock wasn't exactly the greatest starting point, but he had faith that one day, he'd get there. One day he'd get it right. 

"I think someone's here," his Dad said excitedly, making a beeline for the front door, leaving them in the kitchen. 

Despite all that had happened, Max did enjoy seeing his parents whenever they were around Meyer. It was a side of them he knew existed at one time before grief stole it away. The memories he had of his sister weren't as clear as he'd like, but he could remember they had a happy childhood before her death. He could remember the joy in their parents. He could remember the family vacations, the holidays, and he longed for that feeling again. Despite the pain he was in, he couldn't help but grin when he saw his Dad enter the kitchen with Meyer in his arms as Helen followed behind him. 

"Look who I found," his Dad smiled, kissing Meyer on the head as the baby squealed out, so happy to see everyone. He lowered the baby down to Max's mother as she kissed his cheek. "Let's go see your Daddy, he's had a pretty rough day." 

Max smiled up at the baby in his Dad's arms, holding his hands out to take him. He kissed the baby on the head, "Hey, buddy! You are just what I needed!" The baby touched Max's face with his tiny hand, no doubt noticing his cheeks were swollen from the molar extraction. "Do I look different?" 

"Like a chipmunk," Helen joked, coming to stand beside him as she placed a kiss on his head. "How are you feeling?" 

"Better now," he grinned. Max sat Meyer on the table in front of him, supporting his little body as he took in everything about the baby boy. 

Helen reached out, wiping drool from the baby's chin, "Tell Daddy we brought his favorite soup and a smoothie and that he's going to eat some of it without any arguments." Max smiled watching the baby babble as Helen talked to him, kicking his little legs excitedly. "Yes, your stubborn Daddy is going to eat something before we leave here." 

He looked up where she stood beside him as she cupped his cheeks in her hands. "Your face is so swollen," she said. "How's your pain?"

Max shrugged, "There. Better now." 

Helen smiled as Max's Dad sat down next to them, a plate of sliced banana in hand. "Meyer," she said. "You see what Grandpa has?" The baby boy grinned, trying to turn from where Max had a hold on him and crawl toward the plate of fruit. "Yeah," she laughed. "You see it? It's your favorite!" 

Max watched his Dad cut a slice of the fruit into small pieces as he held one out to Meyer. The baby boy picked it up with his tiny hand, popping it in his mouth, and Max wasn't aware he could be mesmerized by someone eating a piece of fruit. The little one in front of him had grown so fast. There was a time days and weeks crawled by, then he became a father and often times he found himself begging time to slow down. It seemed like yesterday they were bringing him home from the hospital, terrified and uncertain of every decision they made. Now he was happy and thriving, giving them strength he would never realize. 

"When he was here today he crawled around calling for you most of the time," his Mom told Helen. "He never got upset, but he let us know who he was waiting on." She reached out, taking hold of Meyer's hand as he laughed in response. "Didn't you? You let us know you were waiting on Mommy!" 

Helen smiled. "He's going to be impossible when I go back to work and he has to start a new daycare. I don't even want to think about it!" 

"I told you he could go to New Amsterdam," Max said. "I at least know the people there."

Helen smiled, but he could tell she wasn't going to go for it. "You know I'd rather have him wherever I am...." 

"We'd take you back too, you know." He would give anything to have her back, to know all he had to do was wander up to her office at random times during the day. Before a line had ever been crossed, before they had complicated things, they had become friends. Helen had so quickly become someone he could confide in, bounce ideas off of, laugh with, and face the hard days with. He could be himself with her in a way he had never been able to with anyone else. He missed that. He had missed it since the day she left. 

Meyer reached his little arms out for Helen, smiling as she picked him up. "Tell Daddy we're not talking about that today!" The baby boy touched her face, grinning as she spoke to him. "No," she continued. "We're not talking about that today!" Meyer squealed out, babbling in response."Yeah, you tell him!" 

"Are your parents leaving tomorrow?" His Mom asked. 

"They are," Helen replied. "So, if you don't mind, I may need you to watch him while we're gone to appointments. If that doesn't work, I can figure something else out, but I'd rather leave him with you." 

"Of course," his Mom smiled. "You know I'm happy to watch him whenever you guys need!" 

"Ma..ma..ma.." Meyer babbled, smiling at Helen. 

"What?" Helen smiled back at the baby. "You like that idea? Staying with your Gram more? I don't know if there's enough bananas for that!" 

"Always enough bananas," Max's Dad replied. "Isn't that right, Meyer?"

As he sat watching the two people he loved most, the two people he would put himself through hell for, a wave of nausea came over him. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, and did his best to will it away. The family in front of him became background noise, the baby boy smiling and laughing in Helen's arms was too much at the moment. He wanted to reach out, take him from her, but he knew if he made one move the feeling he was fighting so hard to suppress would take over. He was certain it was the combination of pain medication on an empty stomach, but the only thing it did was show him how the next months of his life would go. 

He heard the laughter coming from his son as Helen held him up in the air, bringing him down to kiss his little face, and he wanted to be present. He wanted to stand up, take Meyer from her, and keep those tiny belly laughs going. The sound of their son kept him going, only at the moment, the thought of moving was enough to make him lose the battle with the nausea he was steadily fighting. Max laid his head on the table, shutting everyone out until he could get his stomach under control.

"Max," he heard before feeling Helen's hand on his back.

He lifted his head, doing his best to offer her his most reassuring smile, "Just feeling a little sick to my stomach. I'm fine." 

Helen kissed Meyer on the cheek as the baby boy kept the tightest grip on her, "Can Gram hold you for a little bit?" The moment she tried to pass the baby his mother's way, the little one started whining, his grip tightening on her. "Meyer," she said. "Mummy isn't going anywhere, I just need to check on Daddy, ok? You're fine!" 

"Helen," Max said, lifting his head again. "I'm fine." The moment the words left his mouth, he was up from the table and on his way to the bathroom. The second he made it, he was hanging over the toilet, heaving the contents of his stomach into the bowl. After what seemed like the longest minutes of his life, and with a mouth throbbing from vomiting after having oral surgery, he sat down in the floor with his back against the wall as he tried to catch his breath. 

Wordlessly, Helen walked in, grabbing a wash cloth from underneath the sink and wetting it. His parents didn't handle sickness well. He could distinctly remember growing up and managing to take care of himself when he was sick in the middle of the night. He knew it was a reminder of everything they'd gone through with Luna, but it left him not quite knowing how to accept help. Nothing changed as he became an adult and got married. Georgia did her best, but there was a reason her calling wasn't in healthcare. She'd pepper him with questions at a time he didn't need any noise and it was easier to manage alone. He had adapted to managing alone, so when he felt the cool wash cloth on the back of his neck and Helen sit down on the floor next to him, his first instinct was to push her away. 

"You really don't need to see this," he groaned, taking a deep breath and hoping with everything in him his stomach had settled. 

Helen smiled, running her fingers through his hair, "Yeah, well, when have I ever listened to you? Besides, how many times did I vomit in front of you when I was in labor with him? You owe me this."

He looked over at her, unable to wipe the smirk off his face even if he felt the worst he had all day, "Maybe 2 or 3, I lost count....." He would hardly compare having 4 teeth removed to laboring for hours and pushing a baby out, but he was in no position to argue. "Only, every time you got sick the nurse kept saying that meant it was getting closer to time, and there's not going to be any cute baby at the end of this, so if that's what you're waiting on." 

Helen laughed, "I'm keeping my expectations low." 

Max laughed quietly as he felt her rest her head against his shoulder, taking one of his hands in hers. They sat there for the longest time in silence, and he could honestly say that did more for him than anything ever could. She had always been able to understand all the things he couldn't say. She'd always known the exact amount of help he'd accept and somehow never overstep. "I don't think I can do this," he finally said. 

"I don't know that I could either," she replied. "We don't really have a choice though, do we? He needs us, Max. He needs _both_ of us. So, yes, for him, you can do anything." 

Max nodded in agreement, knowing she was right despite how he felt at that moment. He knew this was the tip of the iceberg. Chemo and radiation were mountains compared to the hill molar extraction was. Still, he found himself sick on the floor of his parents' bathroom having no idea just how he would manage to survive all he had to face. No matter how awful he knew things were going to be, and no matter how much he knew he'd want to throw in the towel, he couldn't. Meyer made that impossible. Meyer took the option of succumbing to this away. 

"I know you don't want to hear this," she said. "But you'd feel a lot better if you had something in your stomach before taking pain medication. I took that straight from pharmacology 101, if you need proof of my sources." 

He gently nudged her, getting a laugh in response, "I'll let that slide only because you happened to vomit a really cute baby out." 

Helen laughed, "Better than whatever you just got rid of!" She stood from her place next to him, getting a cup of water so he could rinse his mouth out. He took it from her, swishing the liquid around his mouth before leaning forward to spit it in the toilet, closing the lid as she sat down next to him once again. "Feeling better?"

He nodded, "A bit. I think I'll try some soup before taking anything else." 

"I need to get the date on record," Helen smiled. "Max Goodwin actually listened to someone other than himself." 

He glared at her, leaning over to kiss her forehead, "You'd think, given the shape I'm in, that you'd let me win just this once." 

"Oh, that's _never_ happening," Helen smiled. "You know better than that!"

The thought of all he had left to face was overwhelming. He wanted life to go back to normal. At times, he cursed himself for not appreciating normal more than he had. The only time he could see past the nightmare looming ahead was when he had Helen next to him. She made him want to believe, want to get better, and no matter how much he hated all that was to come, he'd do it....for them. "So," he said. "Port placement, PEG placement, and fertility doctor this week. Can't wait!" 

"About that, Max," Helen replied, not saying what either of them were thinking. Max had never considered asking her to go with him to the fertility specialist, and he wasn't even sure it was appropriate given their status, but he was doing it for her. He was doing it because he could never deny her anything. "I know I said I wanted you to go through with fertility preservation. I know I really didn't give you a choice in the matter, I just reacted in the moment, and you agreed. If you don't want that, I understand. I don't want to change who you are, Max. It's not going to change how I feel about you. We have Meyer."

He had divorced one woman because she couldn't accept the fact he refused to change. The one sitting next to him was willing to give up something he knew she desperately wanted to keep him from feeling as if he had to change. The contrast between his past and present was astounding. "Of course, I want that, Helen. The two of you changed everything. I didn't want that because it wasn't with the right person, I see that now. I'm not doing this because I feel forced. I'm doing it because it's us." 

"Promise?" She asked, looking at him with eyes so easy to get lost in, so easy to leave him defenseless. 

"I promise," Max replied. "I'd have 10 babies with you."

"Ok," Helen laughed. "Well, that's 8 more than I'm willing to have with you, so...."

Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of a little hand repeatedly hitting the door. "I think we've been found," Helen smiled.

They listened as the little one continued to beat his tiny hand against the door, knowing they were inside. "Ma..ma...ma...ma," he babbled. 

"My shadow," she laughed, standing to open the door. 

Max smiled the moment he saw the baby boy sitting on the other side, his little face lighting up the moment he spotted them, immediately crawling through the doorway and plopping down on Helen's feet. "Really, Meyer?" She said, looking down at the little one perfectly happy with his place on her feet. "You couldn't have crawled to Daddy? This seemed like the best place to stop?" Helen reached down, picking the baby boy up as he giggled in response. "I love you," she said, kissing his cheek. "Go see Daddy," Helen smiled, lowering the baby to his waiting hands. 

The moment Meyer was in his arms, every horrible thing he had experienced that day vanished. He spent most of his time lately hating the hand life had dealt him, but when he looked at their baby boy, it didn't matter. He leaned forward kissing the baby sitting on his lap, smiling at the giggles that erupted from the little one. He felt Helen rest her head against his shoulder as she took a seat next to him again, watching as Meyer continued laughing and squealing out every time he leaned forward to kiss him. "Does Daddy's beard tickle?" She said, laughing at the baby as he continued giggling. "He's so tickelish."

"What happens when I can't make him laugh like this anymore?" Max knew there would come a time, sooner than he wanted to admit, when he didn't feel like holding his head up, much less making their son laugh. 

Helen reached out, putting the baby's leg down as he tried to get his foot to his mouth. "Not your foot, Meyer," she smiled. "Everything goes in your mouth these days, huh? And tell your Daddy it's doubtful he'll ever stop being the funny one. I gave birth to you, but he got the first smile and the first laugh." 

Max would never forget that day. The first month of Meyer's life had been exhausting, and often times he was certain he didn't know what he was doing. He had worried throughout Helen's pregnancy that there was a reason he had never wanted children, and that maybe he wouldn't be any good at it. He worried about failing their son. He worried about everything. He didn't expect to fall for the tiny boy as fast as he had, and he didn't expect to miss him quite the way he did when they were apart. He was at Helen's one night after work visiting when the little one smiled at him and it was the greatest thing he'd ever witnessed in his life. That gummy grin was everything. "I always thought you just told me he smiled at me first." 

Helen raised her head from his shoulder, looking at him. "I so didn't," she laughed, tickling Meyer's tummy. "You did your gymnastics every night in my belly for months and months, tried your hardest to stay in there when it was time for you to come out, and kept me awake for your first few months of life, and then you go and smile at your Daddy first!" The baby laughed back at her, cooing in response. "Yes, you did all of that!" 

"I just don't want to get to the point where I'm no fun for him," Max said. "Where I don't even feel like having him on my weekends. I can't survive that, Helen. I can survive most anything, but the thought of missing time with him...." 

"You're not going to miss time with him," she replied. 

Max wanted to believe she was right. He wanted to believe chemotherapy and radiation wouldn't get in the way of being a father, but he knew that it would. There was no way he could be responsible for their very busy, mobile baby when he didn't feel like getting out of bed. He'd be safer with Helen, no matter how bad it hurt to admit that. Almost as if the baby knew he needed it, Meyer laid his head against his chest. Max kissed the baby's head, "You swear there's no other way? No clinical trial?"

Helen sighed. "Max, we've been over this....." 

"Yeah," he said. "I know we've been over it, but we haven't been over the time I'm going to miss with him."

"You aren't going to miss any time with him, Max," she replied. "No, you may not always feel like getting on the floor and playing with him, but you aren't going to miss a second of time with him."

"How?" He asked, unable to believe she could be so optimistic about things. She knew better than anyone the shape he'd be in shortly. There was no way she'd willingly leave the baby with him knowing he could barely hold his head up. "How is this not going to interfere with the time I get with him?"

"Oh my God," Helen groaned. "How can I spell it out for you so that you'll understand? Have you forgotten everything we discussed at the hospital? Or have you changed your mind?"

Max couldn't believe what he had just heard. There were many things he was uncertain of, but wanting a future with her would never be one of them. "Of course I haven't changed my mind, Helen, you know that!"

"So why do you think I'm going to keep him from you just because you don't feel well? That isn't going to happen! If I have to come with him and stay, so be it, but you need to stop threatening to change your whole treatment plan over something like this! As much as you can't stand the thought of being away from him, I can't stand the thought of losing you because you decided to take a chance on a treatment that hasn't even been proven to work!" She stopped talking as her voice broke, and when he saw the tears in her eyes it was more than he could stand. 

Max took her hand in his, unable to come up with anything that would reassure her before he heard a light knock at the door and his mother appear. He smiled as Meyer giggled aloud, grinning the second he saw his grandmother. "Are you ever unhappy?" Max's Mom said, smiling at the baby. "As long as you have your Mommy and Daddy, I don't think you're ever unhappy!" 

Helen smiled, "Oh, he has his moments." 

Max kissed the baby on the head, passing him to Helen once she was standing beside him. "I get those moments way more than she does." 

"Are you feeling better?" His Mom asked, a look of concern on her face. "I put the smoothie in your room. I thought that might work better than soup right now." 

Max stood, nodding in agreement as they made their way out of the bathroom. "Hoping I won't see it again once I drink it."

"That makes two of us," Helen replied. "It's strawberry banana, so....." 

Max laughed. "Meyer, I think Mommy got that more for you than she did for me."

Helen smiled at the baby, kissing his little face as he grinned back at her. "We had to get one that Daddy could share with you, didn't we? Yes, we couldn't get one that you don't like."

The throbbing in his face wasn't letting up, but having them close did more than any medication ever could. The thought of all that was to come was terrifying and overwhelming, but he would do it.....for them. Max took a seat on the bed, holding the cup that contained the cold liquid out toward Meyer. They watched as the little one gripped the cup Max continued to hold with both tiny hands and lowered his head to get a drink. "Is it good stuff, Meyer?" He laughed as the baby continued drinking from the cup without pause.

"Ok," Helen laughed. "I think you've had enough!" The baby cried out, his little face crinkling into a scowl as he reached his arms out for the cup once again. "Yeah," she repeated. "You've had enough, Meyer. That's for Daddy." 

Max got in bed, resting against the headboard as Helen took a seat on the edge beside him. "Are you bringing him here in the morning when you go with your parents to the airport?" 

Helen wiped tears from the baby's cheeks, kissing his face as he calmed down from having his treat taken away. "You sure it won't be too much? He can go with us. I was just going to see them off."

Max sighed. "Helen...."

"What?" She asked, confusion on her face. It was the only reason he didn't lash out at her at the moment. He knew she didn't see it the way he did. She didn't see that walking on eggshells and trying to limit things he had to do was actually the worst thing anyone could do for him. "If you want me to bring him over, I'll bring him over!"

"Yes, I want you to bring him over," he answered.

Their eyes met and they said nothing for the longest time. The little one between them babbled away, crawling from his place in Helen's arms over to Max. There were moments, terrifying as they were, when he wondered what would happen if he didn't beat the cancer. Moments he wondered if maybe these were the last months he'd ever have with them. Moments he actually thought about never seeing who his son would grow up to be. Those moments almost got the best of him, and then he'd look at her and know that could never happen. He could never leave her to do it alone. He could never break her heart that way. No matter how horrible life would be for the foreseeable future, he would do it. He had to do it. "Hey," he said quietly, pausing as he pulled her closer to him. "You aren't going to lose me, ok? I'm going to stick to the treatment plan and I'm going to fight this thing, but I can't do it without you. I can't do it without seeing him because you think it's too much on me. The two of you are it for me, Helen, and maybe that's selfish, but there's not a second I don't want you. There's never going to be a time he's too much." 

"You aren't selfish," she replied. She leaned forward, kissing their son on the head as he busied himself by holding onto Max's fingers. "We don't like being away from you either, do we, Meyer?" The baby smiled up at her as she spoke to him, babbling in response. Max wrapped an arm around her as she curled into his side as they continued to watch their son's every move. "You know," she said. "I was actually thinking that whenever I do start back to work, I probably don't need to put him in daycare. He's more likely to catch a cold or something there and be unable to be around you until he's well. Do you think your Mum would be interested in watching him on a daily basis? If not, I can start interviewing Nannies."

Max laughed, unable to believe what he'd just heard. "Helen, I think my Mom would cancel everything she had scheduled for the rest of the year to watch him for us every day. You do realize what you just said, right? You haven't hit your head or anything recently?" He gently touched her forehead, "You don't have a fever?" 

She swatted his hand away, rolling her eyes in response. "Yes, Max, I'm completely aware of what I just said. I'm trying, ok? I really am. The issue has never been that she isn't a wonderful grandmother to Meyer, it's been that she would rather I vanish into thin air, and...."

"She does not wish you'd vanish into thin air, Helen," Max replied. He understood why she would think that, but now that he had spoken to his Mother at length about the relationship she had with Helen, he had faith it would all work out. 

The look Helen gave him told him she wasn't convinced but had decided to table that argument for a later time. "Whatever, it doesn't matter. The fact is we're going to be family someday, so we may as well start getting along now and...."

Max's smile stopped her mid-sentence. "So, you really think I'm gonna ask you one day....." 

"Oh, I know you're going to ask me one day," she replied. "You just better hope I agree to go along with it whenever you do!" 

"Yeah?" Max smiled, pulling her closer until her forehead rested against his. In a life with so much uncertainty, she was the one thing he didn't have to think about. The one thing he'd been sure of since the day they met. He gently kissed her lips, the pain in his face disappearing as he felt her smile against him before returning the kiss. 

"Yes," she smiled, quickly brushing her lips against his.

He would wait as long as she needed. 


	11. Chapter 11

If someone had told Helen that one day she’d be rushing to meet her friend for an early dinner during a busy work week in New York City, she would have never believed them. She would have never believed her Tuesday would be filled with grocery delivery, midmorning playgroup, laundry, and meal planning for the week. She would have never believed the very morning talk shows she had once appeared on to promote treatments and raise awareness would eventually become the majority of her adult interaction during the day. She would have never believed, during the middle of all her schooling and years of training, that one day she would actually start to fall into a comfortable routine that didn’t include the hospital, patients, or a job she had worked so hard for. 

She would have never believed it, but as Helen followed the hostess to an outdoor table at their chosen restaurant, she could say without any hesitation at all that those very things had happened. 

“Will you be needing a high chair?” The young woman asked, placing menus on the table before pulling Helen’s chair out for her. 

“Yes, if you don’t mind,” Helen smiled, rearranging Meyer in her arms as she finally took a seat, slightly out of breath, but thankful she had beat Lauren to the restaurant. After all, she was the one taking a break during her busy shift to meet for dinner, not the other way around. 

She held the baby’s tiny hands in her own to keep him from reaching for everything on the table. “Hold on, Meyer,” she said. “I’ll get you a snack in just a second.” 

“Here you go,” the hostess smiled, placing the high chair at the table. 

“Thank you,” Helen smiled, standing to place the baby boy in the chair. The moment the little one was secured in the seat, she reached in his diaper bag, getting his cup and a snack. “Here,” she said, placing a few cheerios on a napkin in front of him and his cup on the table. She couldn’t help but smile as he picked up a piece of the cereal with his tiny fingers, popped it in his mouth, and began chewing. His blue eyes caught the sun as he grinned back at her. “You look too much like your Daddy, you know it?” 

From the moment she discovered she was pregnant, Helen made a point to keep their life as stable as possible for the little one next to her. Their situation wasn’t exactly ideal, not being in a relationship, but that didn’t mean their son or daughter’s life had to be anything less. As she sat and watched their baby boy, it was unbelievable just how quickly things changed. Just how quickly she went from being so certain of every decision to feeling as if she were flying blind. 

The past three weeks had been full of ups and downs. Full of uncertainties and making decisions on the fly, hoping they wouldn’t be detrimental to the baby in the long run. Once all of the procedures Max needed to begin treatment were completed, his first chemotherapy infusion had taken place, and 30 days of radiation treatments had gotten underway. Max handled the first treatment well, his spirits higher than even Helen expected, but a couple days before his second chemotherapy infusion was scheduled, he hit the wall she had been waiting on. 

She had gone to take Meyer for his weekend stay with Max when she found him nauseous, unable to keep anything down, and refusing to admit he was far too drained and exhausted to see after the baby all weekend by himself. As promised, Helen refused to allow him to miss any time with Meyer, so she packed him up and insisted he come stay with them instead. Over a week had passed, and he was still at her place, more tired than he had been when he first came there, and as far as she was concerned, in no shape to go back home alone. 

They hadn’t discussed _them_ any further, but they were quickly falling into a routine she was getting used to. A routine she was growing more and more attached to with each passing day. His first night there, they had fallen asleep together in her bed with Meyer between them, and he’d been there ever since. She had gone from being convinced she would never be able to get used to having a bed partner again, to finding herself sleeping better than she had in a long time. She was growing used to lighthearted conversation in the morning as she fed Meyer breakfast and he got ready for work, the kiss he always gave her before walking out the door, and the texts they exchanged during the day concerning when he’d be home and what he felt like eating for dinner. She had even gotten used to picking up his scrubs, boxers, and socks off the bathroom floor at night, rolling her eyes like countless other women in the world, as she wordlessly took them to the laundry room. That quickly, she had gotten used to a life with him around, yet neither had brought up the conversation of what would happen when he felt well enough to return home. 

Helen had never been so confused before in her life, always taking pride in knowing herself far too well to ever end up in this kind of situation. She wanted to believe it had been the suggestion itself, and not her feelings getting in the way of rational thought. She wanted to believe his suggestion was as absurd as it sounded when she mulled it over in her mind. 

_Helen entered the kitchen to find Max standing at the sink, looking out the window as he finished his first of many protein shakes for the day. Most probably wouldn’t be able to tell he had already dropped some weight, but as he stood there in a t-shirt and scrub pants, she could. He was still determined to take all of his nutrition by mouth despite Dr. Stauton sending all the equipment over to his place to start overnight tube feedings. It wasn’t a battle Helen was willing to fight just yet. It was a conclusion she desperately wanted him to come to on his own._

_Without saying a word, he threw the empty shake container away and took Meyer from her, kissing his cheek as the sleepy baby rested his head on Max’s shoulder. “You still a sleepy boy this morning?”_

_“Yeah,” she replied. “He was wide awake and then fell asleep while he was nursing. I’ll hold off on his oatmeal until he gets his second wind. It won't be long.”_

_Max took a seat at the table, still holding a sleepy Meyer in his arms. “What do you have planned today?”_

_“Meeting Lauren for an early dinner,” she replied, slicing up fruit and tossing it into a bowl of yogurt. “We’ve also got playgroup this morning, and groceries should be here in about an hour. How about you? What time is radiation today?”_

_“It’s at 2:30 this afternoon,” he replied. “After that, I don’t have anything else scheduled, so if all goes according to plan, I’ll be home earlier this evening. I have a department chair meeting this morning, and then I'm meeting with the pastor of a local church that wants to volunteer some time to the hospital.”_

_“Ah," Helen smiled. "I know you're looking forward to that. Any requests for dinner?” They had fallen into this routine so easily, so effortlessly, that it should scare her. The fact that it didn’t was the real fear looming in the back of her mind. The fact she knew she would have a harder time adjusting to him leaving than she cared to admit. “We’re going to that Bistro you like near here, you want some soup?”_

_“Sure,” he replied. “I never know how food will go over after treatments, so I’d rather you not plan dinner around me.”_

_They sat in silence for the longest time, their baby boy sleeping soundly in his arms as she ate breakfast before he woke again and hit the ground full speed ahead. “So,” Max said, reaching over to take her coffee cup so he could get a drink. “I’ve been thinking about something, and I’d like to run it by you.”_

_“Ok,” she replied._

_“Have you thought about going back to work? I mean, are you actively looking for a job right now?” Helen had no idea what he meant by that, but she pushed her defenses down before she responded with something she'd regret. It was a logical question to ask, and one she knew most everyone in her life was curious about._

_"Not currently,” she answered. “No.”_

_"How would you feel about coming back to New Amsterdam as my deputy medical director?”_ _Of all the possibilities she had considered, being asked to come on as his backup wasn’t one of them. “You don’t have to come back and take on a patient load if you don’t want, you could keep your hours flexible so you’d have more time with him. You can even work from home if I'm there so you'll still be in the loop about everything going on, but not have to leave him every day. I just thought on days when I couldn’t be there that….”_

_“Max, have I ever given you the impression I wanted to take on any part of your job?” It wasn’t that she didn’t want to help him, but she had seen first hand what all went into being the medical director of a major public hospital. She wanted no part of it. “If you feel like you are going to need backup, maybe you should discuss hiring an interim with the board?”_

_“I don’t want to turn it over to just anyone,” he said. “I thought if I could get you on board with me, then things wouldn’t fall apart if I had to go out for any length of time.”_

_“Max,” she said, taking another bite of yogurt to shut herself up before she said anything further._

_“Do you think I would ask you if I thought there was any other solution?” The moment the question left his mouth, Helen could instantly see the regret on his face. He wasn’t a guy who said things to get a rise out of the other person. He wasn’t a guy who ever meant to hurt anyone’s feelings. However, since he had been undergoing treatment and realizing life wasn’t always going to go the way he wanted, Helen found him lashing out in a completely uncharacteristic way at times. “If you’re happy being home with him, happy to waste one of the most brilliant minds I have ever met, then I wish you’d just say that, so we’ll never have to have this conversation again.”_

_“Oh,” she scoffed. “So, it’s a waste of my brilliance if I choose to stay home with our son? That’s great to know, Max, thank you!”_

_“Helen, that’s not….”_

_“That’s exactly what you meant,” she replied, grabbing her coffee and standing from her place at the table to rinse her bowl out and place it in the dishwasher._ _It was nothing she hadn't heard from her own mother, her parents not understanding why she had yet to find another job, but coming from him, it was different. Max had always been the one person who seemed to understand without having to be told. He got her in a way no one else did. He hadn't called her out on her indecisiveness when it came to finding another job, even if he'd been thinking it. The fact that he now had bothered her more than she cared to admit._

_Max sighed, "I'm sorry, ok? That came out all wrong, and I'm just.....I'm sorry."_

_She finished wiping the kitchen counters down, taking a drink of coffee before walking over to take Meyer from him. "You're going to be late."_

_"Helen," he said, reaching for her as she took the baby from him. She stopped, allowing him to wrap his arms around her waist as she stood next to where he sat at the table. Staying angry at him had always been the problem. "I'm sorry, ok? That didn't come out the way I meant it. Of course, I don't think being home with him is a waste. I love that he's with you all day, it's one less thing I have to worry about. I'm just having a hard time with all of this, but that doesn't give me an excuse to take it out on you. I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact I'm going to have to step down eventually, and when I do, I want to make sure things continue to run according to the plans I've made, that's all. None of that is on you, though, and I'm sorry."_

_Helen looked down at him from where she stood at his side. Deep down, she knew he didn't mean anything by what he said. Of all people, Max would be the last person to criticize one of her decisions. The annoying part was knowing that he knew her better than she knew herself. He knew that staying home with their son had never been her plan and that the real issue was that she had no idea what she wanted to do. She had left Sloan-Kettering with absolutely no plan in place. She leaned down, placing a kiss on his lips, "It's ok. We'll see you this afternoon when you get home."_

Helen smiled as she watched Meyer pick his sippy cup up with both little hands, bringing it to his mouth as he leaned his head back to get a drink. He was growing too fast. She got a napkin, reaching out to wipe the water that had dribbled out of his mouth and down his chin. "You're getting to be a big boy with that cup. I'm not sure I like it!" 

She looked up in time to see Lauren making her way to their table, out of breath from no doubt rushing to get there. She took the cup from the baby, pointing in Lauren's direction. "You see who it is? Is that Aunt Lauren?!" The baby smiled the moment he spotted her, clapping his little hands together in excitement. "Yeah," Helen laughed. "You see her?"

Lauren leaned down, kissing Meyer on the head. "Hey, Baby Max," she laughed, taking a seat across the table from Helen. "You know I used to try and say you looked a little bit like your Mommy, but you're making that really hard the older you get! Your Daddy couldn't deny you! No, he couldn't!" 

"Da..da..da..." Meyer babbled in response, his little body turning in the chair to look for Max.

"Yeah," Helen laughed. "Daddy's at work, Meyer. Look," she said, picking up one of his cheerios to hopefully distract him. "Meyer, look what I have!" The moment the baby turned and spotted the cereal, Max was long forgotten, and another public meltdown was averted. 

"Speaking of, he was _not_ in a good mood this morning at the department chair meeting," Lauren said. "Vijay spoke up with some nonsense, and I seriously thought we were going to see a fight on the boardroom table. I'm guessing he's not feeling well as we're used to getting boxes of donuts in those meetings as we wonder where he got his energy that early in the morning." 

Helen sighed. "No, he isn't feeling well. He's had two chemo treatments now, his third is scheduled for Monday. Radiation is daily. He's down about 10 pounds, though he has yet to admit that to me. His diet consists of protein shakes and soup. Virginia sent all the equipment to start tube feedings, but he insists he doesn't need it. He hasn't even brought it from his place to mine. So no," Helen said. "He isn't feeling well." 

The look on Lauren's face was the same look every friend she had gave her when the topic of Max came up. They didn't know what to say, but they were there to listen. At times, Helen didn't even know what to say, so it wasn't as if she could blame them. "And he's still staying with you guys?" 

"He hasn't mentioned going back home," she replied. "I honestly think we help take his mind off it. I know having Meyer around does."

"Oh, yes," Lauren laughed. "That's what it is. A distraction. It has nothing to do with the fact he's head over heels in love with you and this little guy. Tell me, is he sleeping in the guest room?"

Helen glared at her friend as the waiter approached them. "Can I get you ladies something to drink?" 

"I'll have sparkling water," Helen replied.

"Water with lemon," Lauren said. "I'm ready to order if you are?"

"I'll have a Caesar salad," Helen said, closing her menu. "And I also need a French Onion soup to go, just whenever you bring the check, and include her meal with mine, please." 

"Helen," Lauren said, quieting her protest the minute Helen looked her way. "I'll have the Lobster Caesar salad. You do not have to pay for mine," she said, passing her menu to the waiter.

"I invited you," Helen argued. "It's a $23 salad, Lauren, that hardly breaks the bank." 

"Not your Mommy's bank, Meyer," Lauren laughed, tickling the baby's tummy. "So, you aren't getting off that easy. Max. Sleeping in the guest room?" 

Helen was met with a look that told her Lauren already knew the answer to that. "No," she sighed. "He's not sleeping in the guest room. You knew he wasn't sleeping in the guest room before you even asked me." 

"I know," Lauren grinned. "I just had to make you say it. I mean, it's not like there's anything new there. You guys kinda already got that outta the way," she said, pointing to the baby. "Speaking of, _that_ hasn't happened, has it?" 

Helen rolled her eyes as the waiter approached their table once again, drinks in hand. "Drinks, ladies," he said. "Food will be out in just a minute." 

"Thank you," Helen replied, taking a drink as Meyer reached his little hands out for the glass. "This is yours," she said, handing him the sippy cup. "You wouldn't like Mummy's." 

"So," Lauren said, impatiently. 

"No," Helen replied. She quickly got Meyer's food out of his diaper bag, opening the container as the baby beat his little hands on the table. " _That_ hasn't happened. The only thing we've done together in bed is sleep. End of story." She spooned some of the sweet potatoes into the baby's mouth, smiling as he kicked his little legs from his place in the high chair. 

"You sound disappointed about that," Lauren observed. 

"I mean he's there," Helen said. "It's been a while. A long while, actually. We're both committed to making this work, eventually. Anyway, none of that matters because he's convinced he will somehow transmit chemotherapy to me that will then, in turn, get into his system via breastmilk. I'm sure you'd look surprised, but it's Max we're talking about here, so." The baby babbled in her direction as she fed him a bite of apple sauce to follow the sweet potatoes. "Your Aunt Lauren is getting all in Mummy's business today, Meyer. Yes, she is!" 

Lauren smiled, the look on her face telling Helen whatever she was about to say was probably going to be one of her classic quips. "He does have a point, I mean you guys never were much for protection before, so....." 

"Be glad he looks forward to every single bite of food in this bowl," Helen said. "Or you'd be wearing this spoonful of sweet potatoes." 

Lauren laughed, making room on the table as their food arrived. "You want me to finish feeding him so you can eat?" 

"I'm good, you eat," Helen smiled. "I'm not sure I'd even know how to eat if I wasn't feeding him at the same time." 

"Well," Lauren said, taking a bite of salad before she continued. "You know I was just giving you a hard time about that, but seriously, you don't think it'd be better to sort you guys out now as opposed to waiting until all of this settles down? You have enough uncertainty with his cancer and all that goes along with that to not know where you two stand with each other. I mean, have you talked about it anymore?" 

"Not really," Helen replied, giving Meyer another bite before taking a bite of food herself. "We're committed to making this work, I decided that when I almost lost him, so it's not a question of are we moving forward together or not. We are, I'm not letting him go again, and I know he feels the same way. It's just hard right now. He drives me crazy, but I don't want him to leave. I like having him there. I know being around Meyer all of the time is good for him. I just never know what kind of mood he's going to be in. Just this morning, he asked me if I would come back to New Amsterdam as his deputy medical director! Me! Have I ever given you the impression I had any interest in doing that?!" 

The more she thought about it, the more absurd the idea seemed. She knew very well she had the skill to do the job, and she had the intelligence, but she lacked the motivation it took to successfully do the job and not lose her mind in the process. She had seen firsthand the stress Max had been under countless times concerning situations taking place in the hospital - sometimes simultaneously, doing his best to keep the hospital's reputation in good standing with the public, raising funds, schmoozing benefactors at a yearly gala she cared absolutely nothing about, and countless other things she had no interest taking part in. Helen had never minded listening as he bounced ideas off her, and she was always glad to help whenever he needed, but she had absolutely no desire to ever take on his job. Max was the medical director for a reason. He was good at it. He had a gift many others didn't, and it wasn't a job just anyone could do. 

"I think he's just scared, Helen," Lauren said, taking another bite of her food. "I don't know what you guys talk about, what he brings home from work, so you may know all of this already. Half the board is just waiting on him to go out so they can swoop in and undo things he's accomplished despite their objection. You know Max is their worst nightmare, and they are planning on taking full advantage when he's out. Brantley, of all people, suggested he find a replacement that was more in line with his thinking. Brantley! When she starts defending him, you know it's bad!" 

Helen had no idea. She had known he was struggling with the idea of going out on leave, but she had no idea he was faced with a good majority of his work being unraveled in his absence. The medical directors before Max catered to the board, only saw dollar signs, and when he came to New Amsterdam, the hospital was in the worst shape it had ever been in. A guy she thought was far too young to make an impact ended up turning the place on its head, pulling out miracles, and only worrying about the patients as he did it. There were so many times she thought he was absolutely crazy, but she stood back and watched his ideas work. Max had made New Amsterdam what it currently was, and stopping that work in any way was the worst thing that could possibly happen. 

"No," she said, feeding Meyer another bite of food. "He hasn't said anything about that, specifically." 

"I don't even know if I should have said anything," Lauren replied. 

"No," Helen reassured her. "You should tell me those things. He doesn't because he doesn't want to worry me. Our conversation this morning would have probably turned out differently if he had told me that." Max could be a great communicator, but he had an annoying knack for trying to protect people. He knew that she, of all people, didn't take kindly to that. She wanted the truth, the cold hard facts, no matter if they were easy to hear or not. "They'd be crazy to mess with anything he's done. You were there before him, you know the shape we were in!" 

"I know," Lauren agreed. "Max has made all the difference. People actually want to come to work there now, patients choose us over some of the privates when they have a choice, but you know it's all about money to them. It always will be. If it doesn't cater to the almighty dollar, then it needs to go." 

Helen sighed, watching as the little one next to her ate his food, smiling at her with every bite she gave him. The baby she had always wanted, but at one time had her thinking she couldn't possibly juggle it all, had stolen her heart in a way she never imagined. She loved going into his room in the mornings and seeing the smile on his face as he stood holding onto the crib railing, knowing she would always come for him. The morning smiles she got when he was left to wake on his own weren't there when she pulled him out of bed hours before he was ready to wake so she could dress him, and get to daycare before her workday started. Rather than toss bottles and meals into his bag for the day, she got to sit and rock him in the mornings as he nursed. She got to hold him as he fell asleep for his nap. She got to spend her day seeing the world through his eyes, and she had grown more attached to it than she ever expected. When she walked out of Sloan-Kettering, she never expected that she'd have trouble walking in anywhere else. "I never thought I'd get so attached to being with him all day," she said, trying her hardest not to get emotional. 

Lauren gave her a knowing smile, already seeing the things she was still having a hard time believing about herself. "There's nothing wrong with that, Helen." 

"I had a clear plan," Helen said. "You know this. I always had that plan, long before Max. I was going to be a working Mum, and be it daycare or a Nanny, that was the plan! I worked too hard to give everything up when I could easily do both. I would go crazy sitting around the house all day, watching the hours crawl by until another adult finally arrived home. You knew Mohammad, he would have never gone for this, can you imagine? He would have been ready to list every reason why I didn't need to give up my career and how having both were possible. None of this was the plan, but then he'll crawl to me during the day and snuggle up in my arms the moment I pick him up, and it just makes giving everything up so easy. They don't keep, Lauren. He was a newborn, and the next thing I knew, he's almost a year old." 

"And you don't think Max sees that?" Lauren asked. "You don't think he sees everything you just told me? I think not telling you what was going on at work was more about that than about protecting you from the truth. He'd rather lose everything he's worked for than take any of that away from you. Yeah, I knew Mohammad, but I know Max even better, and I'm telling you, the fact he seriously mentioned the job to you took more out of him than you probably even realize." 

Helen sat quietly, knowing Lauren was absolutely right. She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes, refusing to get upset over things while out with her friend. "I thought Max could pull my heart in a thousand different directions, but add his son to the mix, and....." 

Lauren laughed, quietly, reaching across the table to place a reassuring hand on Helen's arm. "You're going through a lot right now, ok? Cut yourself some slack. Since we mentioned Mohammad, how are you _really_ doing? You don't have to tell me that Max being sick terrifies you. I know that it does. Even more, given all you've already been through once before." 

"There's nothing I can do," Helen said honestly. "I can't run from it. He," she pointed to the baby boy next to her. "Is my heart and Max's, so that ship has already sailed. I spent so much time trying to protect myself, and it was pointless. I loved Mohammad, you know that I did, but this baby I only have because of Max. That makes what I feel for him completely different. So yes, I am terrified, but he's not going to go through a second of this alone, no matter what." 

"You love him," Lauren said simply. 

"Of course, I love him," Helen replied. 

"And he loves you," Lauren continued. "Very much."

"I know that," Helen said. She had never questioned his love for her, just as she hoped he had never questioned hers for him. The words had never been all that important to her, but making sure he knew through her actions had always been her main focus. It was the same for him. He didn't have to tell her. She knew. She had always known. 

"Then I don't see why you two won't take this one thing off your plate," Lauren said. "Wouldn't it be nice to take something off? To have at least one certainty in your life right now? You love one another, you want to be together, you're committed to being together, and you have him. Quit dancing around the issue and just ask him to move in with you. That one thing will clear up so many other things, and I just think you could both use that right now. More than you even know!"

Helen thought about what her friend said, but didn't dare want Max to ever think she was asking because she thought he couldn't handle being on his own. She wanted him there because she honestly couldn't imagine life without him. She wanted him to spend every second he could with their son. Their circumstances weren't ideal, but it didn't change the fact that deep down, no matter if she admitted it to herself or not, she always saw this for them one day. "I'll think about it," she finally said. "I don't want him to get the wrong impression or think I'm only asking because I don't think he's capable of living on his own right now." 

"He's not going to think that, Helen," Lauren replied. "If that were the case, you could have already sent him to his parents' house!" 

They finished their meal, entertained by Meyer as he captured the attention of two older ladies at the next table, smiling at them as they spoke to him. "Never meets a stranger," Lauren laughed. "Just like Max." 

"Don't I know it," Helen replied, packing up his diaper bag as they waited for the check. 

"How old?" One of the ladies asked, smiling at the baby boy.

"He just turned 10 months," Helen replied. "And as you can see, thinks anyone he meets is a friend." 

The lady smiled kindly, "Well, he's absolutely beautiful!"

"Thank you," Helen smiled. 

"My God," Lauren said. "How is he already 10 months old? I swear it seems like yesterday I got to hold this little nugget for the first time! You were so tiny and cute," she said, reaching out and taking hold of Meyer's hand. "Your Daddy was so sweet that day, he was totally tearing up and about to cry when he came out to tell us you'd arrived! We didn't know he had it in him!" 

Helen smiled at the baby boy, finding it so easy to remember every detail of that day, "Say I kind of took him by surprise! I don't think he expected to fall so quickly!"

"We knew, didn't we, Meyer?" Lauren smiled, laughing as the baby giggled in response. 

Helen got Meyer out of the high chair, holding him on her lap as he did his best to twist and turn so he could get down. "Meyer, you're not getting down." The baby boy whined and started to cry as the waiter placed the check and to-go order of soup on the table. "Meyer, no." She said firmly, the baby's tiny bottom lip poking out as big blue, watery eyes stared up at her, wounded from the correction she had given him. 

"Oh, Helen," Lauren said, doing her best not to laugh. "Look at that face. Those eyes. He's breaking my heart." 

"Uh huh," Helen said, kissing the baby boy on the head as she quickly signed the check. "And he knows he's breaking your heart. I've had so much practice with my big baby flashing those eyes my way to get what he wants, that it doesn't work as well for my little baby." 

"Your big baby," Lauren laughed.

"Speaking of," Helen said, looking at her phone as she was alerted of a text. The little one started crying as she quickly read the message. "Daddy's home! Yeah, you want to go see Daddy? I know he's ready to see you!" The little one continued crying, burying his face against her chest. "Meyer." 

Lauren smiled, "You ready to go?"

"Yeah," Helen said, standing and placing the fussy baby on her hip as she gathered their bags. 

"You need me to walk home with you? Carry something? I'd say carry him to give you a break, but I don't think that's going to happen." Lauren asked, reaching out to take the baby's hand in her own. 

"No," Helen said. "I brought his stroller. I'll throw everything in it and carry him." 

The women made their way through the restaurant, stopping to pick Meyer's stroller up before exiting. Helen passed the baby to Lauren, quickly packing the stroller full of their things as the little one began crying louder at being passed from her arms. 

"Hey, little guy," Lauren said, gently bouncing the crying baby in her arms. "Meyer, you know who I am! It's ok, your Mommy is right there. She's not going to leave you!"

Helen sighed, taking the baby back into her arms as he laid his head on her shoulder, clinging to her as tightly as he could. "Don't be offended," she smiled, kissing the baby's head. "We do this sometimes. Things don't go his way, and then the whole entire world falls apart." 

Lauren stepped forward, placing her hand on the baby's back as she kissed his head. "Well, I still love you, Meyer. We all have those days. You sure you don't need me to walk home with you?" 

"Lauren," Helen smiled. "I'm sure. Unless, of course, you don't get to see enough of Max at work and want to pop in on him? If you're lucky, he might even be laid on the couch in his underwear by now!"

"As tempting as that sounds," Lauren replied. "I definitely see enough of him at work, trust me! But hey, let me know how it goes between you guys, ok? Just talk to him, I think you'll find you're on the exact same page and you deserve to take something off your plate. I know you don't want to complicate things right now, but I actually think this will do just the opposite." 

Logically, Helen knew she was right, but the part of her that was used to being so careful, so deliberate of every decision she made as to not put any part of their son's life in limbo, was struggling to take that step. She had no idea what she was so afraid of. She knew in her heart that Max wanted the very same things that she did. He wanted a stable life for their son, and he wanted her. "I'll let you know how it goes, thank you," she said, hugging her friend. "We'll do this again soon?"

"Absolutely," Lauren said. "Bye, Meyer!"

The walk home was filled with worry and uncertainty, but none of it had anything to do with her relationship with Max. For the first time since she had known him, she was more certain than ever that they had wasted enough time. Sure, she was scared to have the conversation with him, but it had nothing to do with doubting any part of her love for him. She had told him she didn't have the energy to explore them right now, but if she were being totally honest, a part of her was scared now might be all they would ever have. It was nothing she would ever say to Max, but it was a fear in the deepest part of her heart. There weren't many hours in the day she had just for herself, hours where she could stop being strong for everyone and just let herself feel the weight of all they had to face. Time she could just let go and admit she was afraid. Time she could stop being so optimistic and admit that not all stories had a happy ending. For the first time in far too long, she let herself think about every horrible possibility and then she did her best to let it go. She allowed herself to feel it, and then she let it go. 

Meyer was sound asleep, his little head resting on her shoulder when she entered the apartment. The moment she stepped through the door, Max was off the couch and coming in her direction to help. "Hey," he whispered, careful not to wake the baby. He gently took Meyer from her, cradling him in his arms as she dealt with the bags and stroller. "You want me to go put him down?"

"Yeah," she said quietly. "I know it's technically too late for a nap, but he didn't get one after playgroup today. He was a bear by the time we finished dinner." 

Max nodded, kissing the sleeping baby as he left her in the living room and made his way to Meyer's nursery. She quickly put the stroller in the entryway closet before making her way to the kitchen to unpack the diaper bag. As she went to the sink to rinse Meyer's cup and bowl out, she noticed the addition of tube feeding supplies on the counter. For days she had been hoping he would come to his senses and go forward with the tube feeding Dr. Stauton had recommended. It was the very thing she would recommend at this stage of his treatment. However, standing there, looking at the supplies made it even more real, and she couldn't stop the tears welling up in her eyes. Rather than relief, she felt more disappointment for him than she ever expected. He didn't want this, and she hated that he had no other choice. 

She looked over the paperwork, seeing he had decided to go with cyclic feeding so that he could get it out of the way while he was asleep at night. So far, the feeding tube had been the one objection he had made. He had so willingly gone along with everything else, and the one thing he desperately wanted to avoid was shoved on him, leaving him virtually no choice in the matter. Helen knew it was ridiculous, but at that moment, she felt guilty for playing a role in it. She felt guilty for not standing up for him when he said it was the one thing he wanted to avoid. 

Taking a deep breath, she finished rinsing the baby's bowl and cup out before placing them in the dishwasher. She was lost in her thoughts when she felt Max walk up behind her, placing his hands on her hips as he rested his head on her shoulder. "Thank you for the soup," he said sweetly. "I don't think I can eat it tonight, but I'll try tomorrow, or you can have it." 

Helen shut the water off, turning and wrapping her arms around his waist as she hugged him to her. For the first time in she didn't know how long, she had no idea what to say. There was nothing to say to make him feel better. "The protein shake I had this morning was the only one I've gotten down today," he said, breaking the silence. 

"Max," she said, pulling back to look at him. "Nausea? Is your throat too sore?" 

He left her standing at the sink, walking over to take a seat at the table. "For whatever reason, rather than taste like vanilla, they now taste salty." 

Helen nodded. "Sometimes that happens with chemo and radiation. It can alter your taste, make sweet things salty, or vice versa. The important thing is you continue to try things that sound good. Some days it may happen, and other days things may taste normal." 

She made her way over to him, taking a seat on his lap when he opened his arms to her. "I just didn't expect this to all happen so quickly. I'm not even halfway through, and I'm already coming home early because I'm too tired to walk the hospital another minute, and tonight I'll be hooked up to tube feeding. I thought if I just pushed through, that I could make it. It's only six weeks!"

"And they'll be some of the hardest weeks you'll ever go through," she told him. "Max, you're doing better than you think. Everyone's experience is different, but I can promise you that I've treated plenty of patients your age or younger who were out of work before even reaching their third infusion. You're still getting out of bed, still going to do what many couldn't, and I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit." Helen wasn't sure she could do all he was doing. He took such pride in his job, going the extra mile for every single employee and patient that he could, and she knew he worried more about the people he couldn't be there for than about himself. 

"About this morning," Max said, kissing her shoulder as he held her in his arms. "I don't want to take any of this from you. If you want to be home with Meyer, then that's what I want you to do. I guess I'm beginning to realize that time moves way too fast, and we're not guaranteed a second of it. I don't want you to ever regret how you spent your time with him."

"Max," she interrupted. "I'll help however you need me to." 

He shook his head, protesting before the words were hardly out of her mouth. "Helen, no...." 

"Listen to me," she said. "I know about the board, and I also know that there is no way I'm going to allow them to take advantage of something you cannot help and tear down everything you've managed to build." As she said the words aloud, she felt more confidant in what she was willing to do. It wouldn't be all of the time. It wouldn't be leaping into another unknown and hoping it worked out. It would be like going home, and for the best reason. There was no way she could sit back and watch people who cared nothing about patient care ruin everything Max had worked so hard for. "So, providing you can get board approval for me, I'll be your deputy medical director." 

She could see the look of surprise on his face, "There is literally no way they won't approve you. I can promise you that before it's ever brought to a vote." 

"I don't know," she replied. "They know you'll still be pulling the strings." 

"With you?!" Max said, giving her a look that let her know he was well aware no one ever pulled strings where she was concerned. "I'm under no impression I will be telling you what to do. I'm sure there will be times you disagree with me and make decisions I might not, but I know we ultimately want the same thing, that's all that matters." 

She leaned forward, softly kissing his lips before wrapping her arms around his neck, so thankful to have him there with her. For so long, she had allowed fear to be the dividing line between what her heart desperately wanted and what her head tried to protect her from. No matter if they had 30 years left together or 6 months, it didn't change how she felt about him. "Move in with us," she said quietly. 

He looked at her, confusion evident in his expression. "Helen," he said. "I'll eventually get better, God willing, so you don't have to....."

"I'm not talking about while you aren't feeling well," she told him. "You mentioned us ultimately wanting the same thing, is this not what we both want? When I said I wanted us, I meant that."

"I know that," Max said quickly. "I meant it too, I just don't want to overwhelm you. Of course, I want this for us, but I want it when it's right for you." Helen had always known she had hurt him more than he would ever admit when she walked away, but she was finally feeling the full weight of what her hesitation had done. When they started out, she could look at him and see he wanted more. She could look at him and so clearly see he was in love with her. Ironically, to the best of her calculations, the very night she lay wrapped in his arms and decided she had to get out before she lost herself completely, was the night they had gotten pregnant with Meyer. Days before the anniversary of Mohammad's death and she was terrified to give her heart to anyone else. Terrified of what would happen to her if it didn't work out. She had pulled away out of nothing but fear, and that had left him scared the same thing would happen again. If the baby boy asleep in the other room wasn't enough of a sign that she had made the wrong decision, she didn't know what was. "I want this, Max. I'm afraid of a lot, I know you are too, but _us_ is one thing I'm not afraid of." 

He smiled, leaning forward to kiss her again, "You know, it _is_ getting close to time to renew my lease....." 

"I see," she smiled, knowing he was joking and that it wouldn't matter if he had just signed a brand new lease agreement, he was all in. "So, _that's_ why you're agreeing to this." 

"I do have one request," he said.

"I'll consider it," she replied, smiling as he looked at her with eyes that had captured her from the moment they met. 

"Your bed," he said, smiling as she feigned shock that he would dare mention it. "Mine is way more comfortable." 

"As if you would know," she laughed. "There's nothing wrong with mine! Sleeping isn't how you've spent the majority of your time in my bed anyway!"

"Helen Sharpe," he said, acting surprised she would dare say such a thing. "You go and accuse me of that after some of the unspeakable things you've done in mine." 

She laughed out loud, unable to keep their banter going, "Ok," she said. "Ok, I'll agree on one condition. They're the same size, so we keep my bed, but you can move your mattress in, how's that? Your bed will totally clash with the whole aesthetic I have going on in there." 

He smiled, pressing his lips against hers. "We wouldn't want that, would we?"

"We most certainly wouldn't," she smiled. "I think we all know you aren't known for your interior decorating skills." 

Max grinned, his arms still wrapped around her. "Look at us, already compromising!" She was sure they'd have plenty more opportunities to compromise in the coming days, weeks, and months, but she had never been more certain they could figure it out. 


	12. Chapter 12

It had been a week since Helen had gotten board approval, went through all of the appropriate checks and channels one goes through when starting a new job and began shadowing Max to the best of her ability so she would know what to do when flying solo. Much of the daily happenings at New Amsterdam came back to her so quickly, it was as if she never left. Other parts left her wondering just how Max had done the job for as long or as well as he had without completely losing his mind.

Her years at New Amsterdam had been spent in the Oncology unit running the department, but still able to stay in her corner of the hospital. She now had a new appreciation for the way Max handled a stream of constant complaints that never, literally never, had an ending. She was discovering that what works for one department may very well work for another, but they were in constant competition, so nothing really worked for anyone. Physicians are rarely satisfied, and they could locate you _anywhere_ to air their grievances. It was actually fellow Physicians who were getting on her nerves the most, not that she could come right out and tell them that.

Helen had always known certain units had animosity between one another - ED and ICU, PACU and Med-Surg, Oncology and Hospice. The list went on and on, but now she was dealing with and seeing it first hand. The biggest surprise of all, though she had no idea why, was the way day and night shifts were predisposed to believing their shift had the harder job and that the other simply didn't do enough to adequately carry their load. Next came meeting with managers of various departments and those in charge of ancillary staff, and she truly had no idea how Max had kept his sanity for as long as he had. It also explained the expressions she would sometimes see on his face after work. She had decided that she couldn't possibly tell him, but she truly felt like exalting him to sainthood after dealing with it all for a full week. 

Despite the challenges of learning a new job, the past week together had flown by, and she could honestly say she enjoyed working alongside him once again. They had always worked well together, that had never been the problem, but it was nice to not care what anyone thought for once. It was nice showing up in the morning and leaving in the evening together. Helen found that hardly anyone gave them officially being together a second thought, most either assuming they always had been or wondering what took them so long. She realized she had done it to herself for all that time, but it was nice to finally give in and allow herself to be happy. She had no idea how long that happiness would last, but for now, she intended to enjoy every second of it. 

Max's last chemotherapy treatment had been postponed due to specific lab values not meeting Dr. Stauton's criteria, and Helen had watched him slowly morph back into the Max she was used to. The Max she didn't realize she had missed so much since he started feeling so poorly. He started to get energy back, wasn't too exhausted to play with their son, and she could tell his spirits had lifted along with it. He was happy to discuss the clinical aspects of his cancer all day long, but he had started bottling up how it was affecting him emotionally. It didn't seem to matter how much she tried to pick his brain, he avoided discussing his feelings and only focused on the toll it was taking on her. He didn't want to be too much or burden her in any way, and trying to convince him otherwise had been a hurdle she'd yet to clear. 

All in all, Max was doing as well as he possibly could be. He was nearing the end of his radiation treatments and only had a few more weeks to go of chemotherapy. Since he was given a break, he had actually been able to eat soft foods and drink without pain. Things that had caused him so much discomfort had started to heal, and she hated he was about to go back down that same path again. She had never lied to him, and it broke her heart to keep reminding him that he was about to enter the worst of it. The final few weeks of treatment and a couple weeks following its completion would be the hardest, most challenging weeks of his life. With any luck, the cancer would be gone, and a light would finally appear at the end of a very dark tunnel. His lab work had been drawn the day before, all within normal range, so Virginia had been excited when she called to tell him his chemotherapy infusion could proceed as scheduled. It would take place on Monday morning, so they had the weekend to enjoy life as it currently was. The dread she felt when she thought about what the next phase of his treatment would be like had the power to ruin every good moment they had together, so she did her best to push it away, promising herself she'd deal with it later. 

Helen tried her hardest to put her own worry aside, but she found it creeping up on her all throughout the day, no matter how busy she may be. At times, she looked at him when he was completely unaware, and the fear that ran through her was unlike anything she had felt before. There were moments between them that were so lighthearted and fun, moments she had so desperately missed, but the thought that this could be the last months she'd have him like this was always waiting on her. She knew what it was like to lose someone, but she had no idea how to lose someone whose life was so deeply and profoundly intertwined with her own. She thought losing Mohammad would be the hardest thing she would ever face, and part of her would always, _always_ wonder what could have been, but the thought of losing Max was more than she could bear to think about. She would lie awake in bed at night, getting so used to the warmth of his body next to hers, and one terrifying thought after the next would go through her mind. There was no stopping it. Helen knew she needed to deal with it before it became too much, but right now, she couldn't. Right now, she had to focus on him. She had to focus on life.

Max had finished moving in, and it was as if he had always been there. Helen worried about how they'd make it work when they were trying to adjust to so many other things at the same time, but that worry had all been for nothing. He moved in, and suddenly everything felt right. She was happier, Max was happier, and most importantly, she could tell having him around all of the time made Meyer happy. 

That wasn't to say there hadn't been bumps along the way, there had been, and she was currently sitting in the waiting room of the Pediatrician's office, trying not to let her anger show. She had made the appointment for Meyer's well-baby checkup, having no intention of Max coming along. He had never missed a doctor's appointment in Meyer's life, but he was immunocompromised, and the office was no better than a large petri dish full of every kind of bacteria or virus one could imagine. It didn't matter to her that there was a separate waiting area for well patients. Helen knew he wanted to go, but he didn't need to go, and that should have made perfect sense to him. Instead, they had argued all morning as they got themselves and the baby ready, and were still arguing when they arrived at the office. They'd only stopped, she was certain because they were sitting in a public waiting area. He hadn't even tried to see her side of it. 

She watched on quietly as Meyer held on to the side of the activity table he was playing at and slowly cruised along, those tiny steps hitting her right in the heart. He hadn't let go to walk on his own yet, but Helen knew it was coming sooner than she was ready for. The baby boy grinned up at Max, who was knelt beside him, so proud of himself and his newly learned skill. The little one slowly made his way over to another baby standing on the other side of the table, reaching out and taking the toy she was holding away. 

"Meyer," Max said, moving closer so he could get to the baby. He took the toy from Meyer and handed it back to the baby girl who had been staring in disbelief since he'd taken it. "She was playing with that," he said sweetly, kissing Meyer's cheek as he looked at Max, unable to believe he had actually taken something away. Max moved him back to the other side of the table, trying to show him something else to play with, but the baby boy wouldn't be distracted. 

"Max," Helen said, expecting him to read her mind when he looked her way and keep Meyer from doing the same thing again. She now fully understood how the other Moms in their playgroup felt when their little ones did things like that. 

"Oh, he's fine," a woman who was obviously the little girl's mother said. "She has a 3 year old sister, so she's used to having things taken away." 

Max smiled, staying close to the babies to keep Meyer from taking the toy once again. "Sharing hasn't really taken off at our house yet, so...." 

Helen smiled, watching as the babies played, "He also stays with his grandparents during the day, and he's the only grandchild, so not a lot of opportunity to practice it there either." She could tell Meyer was rarely denied anything when it came to Max's parents. Since he'd been staying there, he reacted strongly to being reprimanded about anything, and though Helen knew it could be his age, she was convinced his grandparents had more to do with it. 

The woman laughed, "I definitely understand that! What's his name? And how old?"

"His name is Meyer, and he's 10 months," Helen replied. "And her?"

"Charlotte and she just turned a year old," she said. "We're here for our 1 year checkup and shots!"

"Those never get any easier," Helen replied. "He has to have a vaccine today, also." She had been a doctor for years, had seen unfathomable things, but nothing hurt her quite the way seeing Meyer in pain did. She handled it better than Max, but it still broke her heart to see him poked with needles having no idea what was happening to him. 

Max took Meyer's little hands in his own, stopping him from reaching out to take the baby girl's pacifier. "Can you stop trying to take all of Charlotte's things? It's not nice to take stuff that doesn't belong to you. That's her pacifier." Helen might be angry at him at the moment, but her heart melted every time she got to witness Max be a Dad. Even if he was trying to reason with their 10 month old. No matter if he believed it or not, he was meant to be a father, and despite her aggravation, she was thankful she got to share that with him. "You don't even take a pacifier!" 

"Something new and exciting," the other baby's mother replied. Before Meyer could attempt to take anything else, the baby girl's name was called. "It was nice to meet you, Meyer," she smiled, lifting the baby girl in her arms. "Nice to meet both of you as well!"

"You too," Helen replied. Max stood from his place on the ground, lifting Meyer into his arms, before making his way over to take a seat next to her. The baby boy grinned, squealing out as Helen leaned over to kiss his cheek. "Were you trying to take all of Charlotte's things? That wasn't very nice!" The baby smiled, reaching his little arms out for her as she took him from Max. He rested his head on her shoulder, snuggling into her, "You're such a sweet boy, you know it?" 

She sat quietly, holding their baby boy, as Max rested his hand on her thigh. "You still mad at me?" 

If her anger had lessened, it was back tenfold with that one sentence. She was worried about his life, and he was acting as if she didn't want him to come for some completely arbitrary reason. She looked at him, unable to believe he had just asked her such a thing, "I'm not even honoring that with a response, Max." 

"Helen...." he said. 

"We are not discussing this here," she told him. 

He sighed, "I just don't understand what the big deal is."

"You rarely do unless it matters to you," she snapped back quietly, doing her best to keep her voice down. 

"So I'm wrong for wanting to come to my son's doctor's appointment," he laughed sarcastically. "Got it."

She couldn't believe she was having this conversation with him in the waiting room of their Pediatrician's office, but when it came to Max, she was often flying blind. "No, you're wrong because the only person you ever listen to is yourself! It doesn't matter what I think, what Dr. Stauton thinks, what anyone else thinks because none of us know a thing compared to you." She readjusted Meyer in her arms as the baby lifted his head off her shoulder, clearly sensing the tension between them, and she instantly felt horrible for arguing in front of him. "I'm not doing this, Max. Not here and not in front of him." 

Helen could tell he wanted to fight back, that he probably had a world of stuff he wanted to say at that moment, but she had stopped him when she pointed out they were arguing in front of their son. They had done enough of that for one day, and it was the one thing she tried so hard to avoid even though it didn't always work out.

"Meyer Goodwin!"

They quickly gathered their things upon hearing the baby's name and made their way to the nurse who was waiting to take them to a room. "How are you both today?" She smiled, holding the door open as they made their way through. 

"Doing fine," Max answered politely. 

"If you'll strip him down to his diaper, I'll just get a quick weight on him," the nurse instructed. 

Max took the baby from Helen as she placed their bags in a nearby chair. They worked in unison, quickly getting the baby undressed before Max carefully sat him on the scale. "Hold on! One second, buddy," Max smiled at the baby who was doing his best to figure out how he could get down. Helen could remember how tiny he was on that very scale the first time he'd come for a checkup, and her heart was pulled in an entirely different direction. She loved watching him grow and learn new things, but she missed that tiny newborn who never wanted to be put down. 

"20 pounds and 4 ounces," the nurse announced, laughing as the baby smiled up at her. "Yeah, you've gotten to be such a big boy!"

Max picked him up off the scale, "Is that good? 20 pounds?"

"Perfect," the nurse smiled, entering the information into his chart. "He's right on track!" 

"All that food Mommy gives you is working, huh?" Max tickled the baby's tummy, getting a laugh from him. "Yeah, I think it's working!" 

They followed the nurse to an exam room, answering questions as Max took a seat on the exam table, placing the baby next to him and keeping a protective hand near. The little one crinkled the paper on the table, smiling at the noise it made, and Helen wondered why she had purchased so many toys when he would much rather play with boxes, paper, and any other item he wasn't supposed to have. The nurse finished asking her questions, leaving them in the exam room to wait for the doctor. 

"Meyer," she smiled. "I think if Daddy will bring you a roll of that exam table paper home from work, we've covered your birthday present!" The baby never looked up at her, his concentration on crinkling the paper with his little hands. 

"I could probably arrange that," Max smiled.

The fact the baby was close to being a year old was something she didn't let herself dwell on for too long. Not only was it the most bittersweet thing she'd ever been through, but she also had no idea what shape Max would be in by that time. She hoped well enough to celebrate, but there were no guarantees. "This time last year we were still checking on you through ultrasounds, Meyer. And you weren't very cooperative. At all." 

Max laughed, "It seems like it's been that long at times, then other times...." 

"He was so tiny," Helen said. "And now look at him!" 

"Can you believe that? 20 pounds," Max said, picking the baby up. "And when you were tiny, Mommy worried you weren't gaining weight, and I told her you were!" The baby giggled, placing his little hands on either side of Max's face. "Yeah, I told her she was feeding you well! All that milk did what it was supposed to do!" Meyer stood on his lap, bouncing on his little legs as Max held him up and continued talking to him. 

Helen could never deny his unwavering support. No matter how uncertain she had been since becoming a mother, Max had always been there to reassure and encourage her, promising her she was doing an amazing job. Sometimes over the phone in the middle of the night as she tearfully vented to him about whatever was going on, but he had always been there. 

She smiled at the baby boy, so happy on his Daddy's lap, and so unaware of all that was about to take place. "He has no idea what's coming. I always feel so bad!"

"You feel bad?!" Max said, a slight hint of amusement in his voice. His reaction to seeing Meyer poked and prodded had been the very same since he was born. "Helen, you know I can't stand it!" 

"I know," she smiled, her heart melting at his confession. "I always tell you that you can step out!" 

Max kissed the baby's head, "You know I can't do that either!" 

They heard a quick knock on the door as the Pediatrician entered the room, vaccine in hand. "How are we today? I barely recognize you in regular clothes, Max," she laughed. She smiled at the baby, "Hello, Meyer! You look perfect! Can I see if you're perfect?" Before the baby could become fearful of anything she did, she quickly listened to his heart and lungs as he held on to Max's fingers with his tiny hands and watched her with big curious eyes. "Heart and lungs sound great! How's everything been? Do you have any concerns?" She continued examining the baby as he watched her, uncertain, but not putting up a fuss. 

"No," Helen answered. "He's not in daycare anymore, so hopefully we'll have an uneventful cold season. He's pulling up on everything, and he's started cruising as long as he's able to hold on to something. He has 4 teeth now, both his top and bottom front teeth have come in. He's still breastfeeding about 5 times a day or taking breastmilk from a bottle. He's also doing well with solids. I think that's it," she said, looking at Max. "Did I miss anything?" 

"I don't think so," he replied. 

The Pediatrician took Meyer's little foot in her hand, getting a smile from him finally. "Your Mommy knew everything I was going to ask! That makes my job so much easier! How is he sleeping?" 

Max laughed, "If he's not in our bed, it's hit or miss! Wouldn't you say?" 

Helen sighed, knowing they weren't technically supposed to have him sleeping in their bed, but she had learned a lot was done in the name of survival. "He'll sleep all night if he's in bed with us. In his bed, he's awake at least a couple times during the night. I think he wakes himself up moving and then realizes he's alone." The baby squealed out, smiling at her as she finished answering the doctor's question. "Yes, I'm telling on you!" 

Max lifted the baby from his lap, kissing his cheek as he continued smiling Helen's way. "He's worth the lost sleep, so we're not complaining!" 

"That will get better with age," the Pediatrician said. "It's personal preference on how you handle it. You know I don't have a strong opinion on that either way! Whatever works for you guys. He's still napping during the day?"

"He is," Helen said. "He usually takes a couple 2 hour naps still." 

"Alright! Well," she smiled. "Everything looks good! I'll check for anemia at his 1 year checkup. It's routinely done around this age just to make sure their iron levels are where they should be. He seems fine, so I'm good holding off until the next visit. It's a finger stick, so prepare yourselves for that." She quickly grabbed some exam gloves and picked the shot up off the exam table. "Are we ready for this?" 

"You already know the answer to that," Max said.

"I know, I know," The doctor said. "It'll be over quick!" She cleaned an area on Meyer's thigh with an alcohol pad as the little one looked down to see what had just touched his leg. As quickly as promised, the doctor administered the shot, placing a bandaid on his leg as the baby broke out into a cry. 

Max held him tightly, kissing his little face, "I'm sorry, buddy! I know it hurts! Daddy's so sorry!" 

Helen could see that look in Max's eyes that told her he was probably struggling a bit more than even Meyer was. It was equally the sweetest and most heartbreaking thing. He didn't want their son to feel pain, and she noticed he had gotten worse about it since beginning his battle with cancer. Every bruise or bump the baby sustained affected him more than it normally would have. She stood from where she'd been seated, walking over to kiss Meyer on the head as he continued crying. "You're ok, Meyer! Yeah, you're ok! It's all over with!"

The little one reached out for her, continuing to whimper as she took him into her arms. "Shhh," she said. She wiped tears from his cheeks, kissing his head, "Yeah, it's all better now!" Even though it was a couple of months away, she was already dreading what it would be like for Meyer to have his finger pricked and blood drawn. They got the baby dressed, saying their goodbyes to the doctor, as Max gathered their bags, and they made their way out of the Pediatrician's office. 

"I think I'll give him some Tylenol when we get home," Helen said, gently rubbing Meyer's back as he kept his head on her shoulder. "He usually runs fever after vaccines." 

Max nodded his head in agreement, leaning down to kiss the baby on the head as they waited for the elevator. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I know you didn't want me to come, and I can tell you're still upset about it." 

"No," Helen said as they stepped into the elevator. "See, you don't get to do whatever it is you want and then apologize for it later, expecting me to just get over it! That's not how this is going to work, Max." She knew it would probably seem silly to most. Max was still working as much as he could, but in her mind, he should want to minimize his exposure to germs as much as he could. Dr. Stauton had told him the exact same thing, but as always, he refused to listen to anyone else. 

"Helen," he said.

"We'll talk about this at home," she said. 

They had almost made it out of the hospital when Helen heard her name from across the lobby. Stopping in her tracks, she turned and saw someone she never expected to see. Making her way across the lobby toward them was Millie, her former patient, and one of the first she had taken care of when arriving at New Amsterdam years ago. She kept up with old patients and had recently learned that the woman walking in her direction had relapsed for a third time and was beginning a new treatment regimen. "Millie," Helen smiled, stepping forward to give her a hug with her free arm. 

"Oh, Dr. Sharpe, it's so good to see you," Millie smiled. "This has to be.....Dr. Klein told me you had a baby!" 

"I did! This is Meyer," Helen smiled, turning slightly so she could get a better look at the baby. "And this," she pointed next to her. "Is Max. Max, this is Millie. She's a former patient of mine!"

"Nice to meet you," Max said, reaching out to shake her hand.

The baby kept his head on her shoulder, giving the woman in front of them a look, but not willing to let go of Helen. "He's normally all smiles, but he just had a shot at the doctor's office, so..."

Millie reached out, gently touching the baby on the back, "I understand, Meyer. He's precious, Dr. Sharpe. How old?"

"He's 10 months," she replied. 

"So a birthday coming up," the woman said. "Big first birthday celebration planned?"

"We hope so," Helen replied. 

"I can't tell you how happy I am for you," Millie smiled tearfully. She had known Helen before and after Mohammad's death. She was one of a very few patients who had seen firsthand the struggle Helen had in the aftermath, no matter how hard she tried to hide it. They had had some very frank conversations with one another about life, death, and why it was important to keep fighting. She could never admit it, but Millie would always be on the very short list of patients Helen would remember forever. "I'm just....it's _so_ good to see you and meet your little family! You've got a good one here," Millie said to Max, pointing to Helen. "I hope you know that!" 

"Oh, I do," Max smiled, gently rubbing Helen's back. "I absolutely do!" 

"How are you doing?" Helen asked. "I did see you were back in treatment. I wasn't being nosey, but I do keep up with a few of you!"

Millie smiled, "Back for round number three. Considering a clinical trial this time. Always keep fighting, that's what we say, right?" 

"As long as there is fight left," Helen replied. "Absolutely!"

Meyer raised his head off Helen's shoulder, looking at the lady standing in front of them. Max reached out, lightly tickling his tummy, "Can you smile at Millie? Huh? I know she'd love to see that smile!" 

"Hey, Meyer," Millie said. "You are beautiful! Or should I say handsome?" The baby boy finally grinned at her as she continued talking to him. 

"Yeah," Max smiled. "That wasn't too hard, huh?" 

"Getting to see you has made my day," Millie said. "And today wasn't supposed to be a very good day, Meyer." 

Max smiled, "He definitely has the ability to turn those around!" 

Millie stepped forward once again, giving Helen another hug before saying her goodbyes and leaving them to go to her treatment. As good as it was to see a familiar face, it hit her in a way she didn't expect. Rather than find it a positive thing that Millie was still fighting, still coming back in hopes this would be the last time, she found it terrifying that beating this disease once wasn't the end. Not always. As an Oncologist, she knew very well every excruciatingly awful detail of Max's reality, but she rarely let herself go there. She rarely let herself think about him as she did all of her other patients. She rarely let herself think about all of the things he could face in the future, and just because he beat it once, didn't mean the nightmare was over. 

They were quiet on the way home, Meyer falling asleep, and her lost in her thoughts. She knew Max was giving her space because he thought she was still angry about him coming to the appointment against her wishes, and she was, but that had taken a backseat for now. Those thoughts had been pushed aside, and all she could think about was eventually losing him. She kept herself under control, refusing to get upset in front of him, but feeling her heart rate speed up coupled with that overwhelming anxiety, she always tried so hard to keep at bay. Since the beginning, she had managed to keep herself in control. She had allowed herself to feel for very brief amounts of time, but then she'd tuck it away, not wanting him to see. 

She followed Max on the elevator, pressing the button for their floor as the doors closed. She was trying to focus on the sleeping little one in Max's arms. He was so full of energy, on the go constantly, but when he was sleeping, there was nothing but peace. A peace that she often got lost in as she watched him. The battle with her emotions seemed to come out of nowhere, and she was finding it hard to keep the same resolve she always managed to keep. She leaned forward from where she was standing, kissing the baby boy on the head. 

"Hopefully, he'll take a good nap," Max said, following her off the elevator and down the hall to their apartment. 

"I'm going to wake him to give him some Tylenol," Helen informed him. "If I don't, he'll probably wake up with a fever."

Max gave her a look of uncertainty, "If he's asleep, I really don't think we should wake him." 

Helen rolled her eyes, closing the door and dropping Meyer's diaper bag on the floor. "Max, you don't have to listen to me when it comes to your own health, but I'm not going to argue with you when it comes to him. He runs fever after vaccines, if I don't treat it now, he'll have one when he wakes from his nap, and things will be ten times worse." 

Without saying a word, Max passed Meyer to her, leaving her standing in the living room as he went to their bedroom. Rather than go after him, she carried Meyer to his nursery, rearranging the baby in her arms as she got the bottle of medicine. She quickly drew up the appropriate amount and took a seat in the rocking chair. "Meyer," she said quietly. "Meyer," she repeated, smiling as the baby slowly opened his little eyes. She placed the medicine dispenser in his mouth, dispensing the medication and hoping he swallowed it. "I know, Mummy's sorry," she said as the baby started crying. "Shhh," she said, cradling the baby in her arms as she rocked him. 

Helen sat in Meyer's room long after he had fallen back to sleep in her arms. She didn't know where the emotions were coming from, what triggered them, but she was struggling more than usual. She very rarely allowed those emotions to break the surface, knowing if she did, she would crumble in a way she didn't know how to deal with. For so long, she had focused on being strong, on making people think she had it all together and that nothing could rattle her. She'd had a few moments since Max's cancer diagnosis where she allowed herself to feel, but never in front of him. Not really. Not to the extent that was currently boiling under the surface. 

After losing Mohammad, she swore she would never give her heart away again. She would never allow herself to get so attached to a person that she didn't know how to function without them. For most of her life, she wanted marriage, she wanted to build a life with someone, share children with them, and have what she'd witnessed between her parents her entire life. Those dreams had slipped away as quickly as he had, and she knew she could never take that chance with anyone else. She never meant to fall again, but she had, she had helplessly fallen for that blue-eyed guy who had given her more than she could have ever dreamt of having, and she was drowning in thoughts of losing him. Most days, she could keep her head above it all, but today she was drowning. 

She very carefully stood from the rocking chair, walking over to the crib and gently laid Meyer down, breathing a sigh of relief when the little one didn't wake. Helen stood at the crib, watching him sleep for a few minutes longer, getting herself together before walking out of his room and facing Max. She didn't want him to see her this way. She didn't want him to see how terrified she was of losing him. She wanted him to take this seriously and fight, but she didn't want to throw her emotions on top of his own. 

Max was seated on the sofa when she entered the living room, and she knew he was aware she needed space when he hadn't followed her to Meyer's nursery. He could be one of the most intuitive men she had ever met at times, and other times she had no idea how he could miss something so obvious. "Did you have trouble getting him back to sleep?"  
  
"No," Helen replied, picking up the baby's toys that were scattered around the room. "He took the medicine and fell back to sleep almost immediately." 

"Look, Helen," Max said. "I understand where you were coming from wanting me to stay home today, and I respect that, but I can't stop living my life. I can't lie down and let this thing take over. I need to work as long as I can, do things with you guys as long as I can, and I'm not going to apologize for that." 

Helen stopped what she was doing as she looked at him, "So don't apologize for it, Max."

"I just don't understand why you won't even attempt to understand where I'm coming from," he said. "This is happening to me, Helen. I'm the one going through this. So I feel like I have the final say in what I do or don't do. Since this started, I have done exactly what you wanted, but I refuse to give in......"

Helen turned around, and she knew there was no holding back. She could feel every emotion she had kept bottled up rapidly rising to the surface, and she didn't have a prayer of keeping it together. "Excuse me?! You've done what _I_ wanted from the beginning?! No, you didn't even respect me enough to tell me you had cancer! Rather than tell me, you kept it from everyone until you literally almost lost your life, Max! YOU did that all by yourself, so don't you dare sit there and say you've done what I wanted you to do! And don't say that you're the only one going through this, because you have no idea....."

Max sat there for a few minutes in silence, an unreadable expression on his face, and she was losing her footing quickly. She knew she would have tabled the discussion for later, but they were in the middle of it now, and there was no turning back. "I will never stop being sorry for making that decision, Helen. I'll never stop being sorry for putting you through that. You know, sometimes I think about what I would do if I could go back and do things differently at certain points in my life." It wasn't unusual for patients facing illnesses like the one he was facing to reflect on their life, but Helen had no idea he had been struggling with those thoughts. "I think about the time I wasted with my parents and how if I could do it over again, I'd do so many things differently. I think about the time I wasted with Georgia and how I wouldn't have married her if I had known. I think about how many hours I've put in at work, promising friends we'd catch up later, and how much I wish I could get that time back."

Helen took a seat on the opposite end of the sofa, keeping distance between them, but continuing to listen. He had been keeping just as much hidden as she had been. "There is so much I would do differently if I could," he continued. "And I know it should be one of the biggest things on my list, meeting you, but I can't regret that. I can't look back and wish for anything different when it comes to you. As badly as I don't want you going through this with me, as badly as I don't want you to end up hurt, I can't wish anything different for us. I can't," he stopped, trying to keep his emotions in check. "I can't wish that little boy in there away. The two of you are the best thing that ever happened to me." 

The lump in her throat was becoming painful, but she knew if she allowed herself to let go, she wouldn't stop until every last ounce of fear and sadness made its way out. She took deep breaths, trying to calm herself as he sat looking at her. "I know the reality," he continued. "I know I may not beat this, and if I don't, I don't want to go knowing I missed out on a single moment. I'm not scared of dying, but I'm terrified to leave you and him. It's you and Meyer I am terrified to leave behind. I want you to be happy, and I want someone who loves you both as much as I do to take care of you if it can't be me. It's just hard trying to trust that someone is out there. " 

That one confession was the tipping point, and she lost the battle she had been fighting so hard for all this time. She buried her face in her hands as sobs wracked her body. She couldn't stop if she wanted to. Every ounce of pain, fear, and sadness were coming out like a tidal wave, and all she could do was let it happen. He had just told her he was scared to leave them behind, scared there wasn't anyone else out there who could love them the way he did, and she believed that. She believed it wholeheartedly. Normally she'd be the one reassuring him that wasn't going to happen, but she couldn't. She felt his arms around her as he pulled her on his lap, holding her tightly, and he was the only comfort she could find. "It's ok," he whispered. "I'm not gonna stop fighting this, ok? I promise you." 

She cried until she couldn't cry anymore, letting every horrible emotion she'd been bottling up out as she remained in his arms. With anyone else, she'd feel vulnerable and completely exposed, but she felt none of that with him. Max had always accepted every single part of her, good or bad, and the comfort she found there was unlike anything she had ever experienced with anyone else. She had pushed him away for so long, but she had always known he fit so perfectly with every single part of her. "I'm sorry, I know you don't need this right now...." 

He pulled back from her, cupping her face in his hands, "Don't you dare apologize, you hear me? Never. You have no idea how amazing you are, and no one expects you to keep it together all of the time. If you knew how many times I've cried in the shower lately, you'd feel better right now." It broke her heart to think of him breaking down when he was alone, but she had done the same thing, so she understood they were trying to protect one another when the only thing they needed was each other. "You are so many things to so many people, you are an amazing mom to our little boy, and you are everything to me. That doesn't mean I can't be the same for you." 

She nodded, resting her head on his shoulder as he continued to hold her. It felt good to finally let all of the pent up worry and sadness out. It felt good to know her feelings were normal and that he was struggling right along with her. It felt good to know they were a team, no matter the ending. She lifted her head from his shoulder, seeing the tears in his eyes, and brushed her hand through his hair. "I love you," she said. "So much."

"And I love you," he said sweetly. "You have no idea just how much." His kisses started out sweet but quickly became more heated as he stood from his place on the couch, carrying her to their room and laying her on the bed. Before she could say a word, his lips were back on hers as he settled himself between her legs, supporting his weight on his forearms as his lips hungrily devoured hers in a hot, wet open mouthed kiss. Every thought she had evaporated as she got lost in him, lost in the way he clearly needed her as much as she needed him. She could vaguely remember the feelings she had when they had first started out, insisting there were no strings attached, but being the fools all along. She had never believed in soulmates, never really believed there was one person out there meant for her, and then they'd found one another. 

“Max…” she moaned, feeling him pressed against her as he continued kissing her neck and shoulder. She lost all sense of reason the moment she felt his teeth grazing lightly against her pulse point, his tongue darting out to taste her skin, as he attempted to unbutton her pants with one hand. Lying beneath him, feeling his weight on her, made her realize just how much she missed him. Just how badly she needed him. 

He managed to get her pants unbuttoned, slowly pushing them down when he suddenly broke the kiss, out of breath, and completely lost in her, "Condom?" 

Helen groaned, resting her hand on her forehead, and she knew the disappointment that was about to follow. Deciding there was no way she was giving up that easily, she gently ran her hands up his arms, pulling him down to her as she captured his lips once again, the sensation of their tongues meeting only making the ache for him worse. "Helen," he whispered against her lips as he broke the kiss. "Baby, I can't....it's not safe." 

"Max," she practically whined, and she felt not one ounce of shame in doing it. If begging is what it took, then she was prepared to do just that. "It's fine. You haven't had chemo in almost 2 weeks, just...." 

He rested his forehead against hers, gently kissing her lips, "We can't. If you got pregnant...."

She sighed. "I'm not going to get pregnant, Max." As soon as it left her mouth, she realized how stupid it sounded, considering the baby boy asleep in the other room, but she didn't care. The moment his eyes met hers, she knew she wasn't going to win this battle. He was helpless against most anything she threw his way, but she knew he wouldn't back down when it came to this. 

"It's not about having another baby," he said sweetly. She wanted to be mad at him, but it was pointless. She couldn't be mad at him, she couldn't even be aggravated at him. He was completely right in saying it wasn't safe, and if she was working with a clear mind, she would have never let it get this far. If they were to accidentally get pregnant while he was taking chemo, there was no way to know the extent of any chromosomal abnormalities due to the antineoplastic drugs. There was a reason she stressed birth control to all her patients of childbearing age. As their Physician, she didn't want any of them to experience the heartbreak of miscarriages or having a baby born with problems that may not even be compatible with life. They were suffering enough. 

Before they could say another word, they heard a little cry over the baby monitor on Helen's side of the bed. Max sighed, rolling off her as they both watched the baby on the monitor. "Maybe he'll....." Helen said, hoping he'd settle back down but quickly seeing that wasn't going to happen as the little one sat up in his crib, crying louder. "No. Never mind."

"I'll get him," Max said, sitting up on the side of the bed. 

"Uh uh," Helen said, pulling her pants back up, quickly buttoning them, and standing next to where he was seated. "I'll get him. You go find some condoms somewhere. Anywhere, I don't care!" Max laughed, pulling her on his lap as he wrapped his arms around her waist. She leaned down, softly kissing him, "It's adorable how you think I'm kidding." 

Max smiled, rubbing his nose against hers before capturing her lips in another kiss as Meyer started crying again on the monitor. "You gonna make it worth my trip out?" 

"You have no idea," she smiled. 

They made their way out of the bedroom, her in the direction of Meyer's room, as he grabbed his wallet off of the kitchen island. "You need anything else?"

"Um," she said, stopping to think. "Yeah, pick up another package of diapers and another bottle of infant Tylenol. It was almost out when I gave him that dose earlier. And go ahead and get some diaper rash ointment just incase this vaccine gives him nasty diapers. Oh! He's also almost out of Cheerios." 

"Diapers, Tylenol, Cheerios, diaper rash ointment, and condoms," Max said. "Got it." 

"Throw the first 4 on the counter, and they'll probably throw in the condoms for free," she joked. 

Max smiled her way, and for the first time that day, she felt contentment that had been missing for so long. It wasn't like her to break down or tell anyone else what she needed. Although Max was different, there were still things she kept from him. Fears she had never shared with him before. For whatever reason, she had convinced herself he couldn't handle her needs on top of his own. The love and understanding she saw in him when she was finally honest told her all she needed to know. As much as she longed for him to lean on her, he had wanted the same from her. She was so used to being everything for everyone, so used to putting her own feelings aside so she could help. When she finally broke, he'd been right there to catch her, and she felt closer to him than she ever had before. Still terrified of what was to come, but knowing they'd face whatever happened to be ahead together. "Be careful," she told him. 

"I will," he replied. "I love you." 

She stopped on her way to Meyer's room, taking a deep breath as she watched him walk to the door, "I love you too." 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for the feedback. It helps with motivation, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it! :-)

Max slowly came to, feeling as if he'd been on a week-long bender, only that bender had been on the Oncology unit, and his drink of choice had been Cisplatin. His head pounded, his body ached, his throat throbbed, and his stomach churned. Every part of him felt heavy as he laid on his stomach in bed, thankful to see he'd survived the night. He could hear movement in their bedroom but hadn't gotten brave enough to open his eyes just yet. The days after his last treatment had been the worst he'd experienced thus far in his journey and the night before he'd been sicker than he ever thought possible.

He heard Meyer's little voice coming from their bathroom, slowly opening his eyes and seeing the baby, clad only in his diaper, crawling behind Helen as she got ready for work. Despite feeling more horrible than he ever had before, he couldn't help but smile when he saw how the baby boy followed her everywhere, only sitting still when she stopped in one place. "Come on, Meyer," she said sweetly, exiting their bathroom and standing in the doorway until he made it through, his little arms and legs going as fast as they could. She was in nothing but her bra and panties, and Max knew he was bad off when he couldn't even muster the energy to have a reaction. 

"Meyer," Helen said from inside their closet. "Come back with Mummy's shoe!" 

Max watched as the little one crawled out of the closet, one of Helen's shoes in hand. He felt another wave of nausea come over him, and he closed his eyes to hopefully will it away. He didn't think he could vomit one more time. At some point, something had to break inside of him if he kept going the way he had the night before. "DA!" he heard immediately before feeling something hit his arm. He opened his eyes to see Meyer had pulled himself up and was standing by the side of the bed, Helen's shoe now resting on his arm. 

"Hey, bud," Max said. 

"I'm sorry," Helen said, making her way out of their closet as she zipped up her skirt. "Meyer, baby, Daddy doesn't feel well, so let's not throw Mummy's shoes at him, ok?" She got the shoe, picking the baby up as she made her way back into the bathroom to finish dressing. "Max," she said. "I have a meeting at 8 this morning, so your Mum is on her way. She's going to watch him here today. I didn't have time to take him there, and I knew you wouldn't feel up to it." 

Max glanced over at the clock, seeing it was a little after 7, and he knew he should get up and shower, but he didn't think he could summon the energy at the moment. He'd been up and down so many times during the night, rushing to their bathroom, that he just needed a few more minutes of stillness. The past few days, he'd battled horrible nausea, unable to even tolerate tube feedings at night without vomiting. Helen had brought some medication home the day before, which gave him a small reprieve, but by nightfall, he was sick again. "I'm coming in."

"Max," she sighed. "You're in no shape to come to work today. I have everything handled. I have Floyd on board to help, so we've got it under control. Why don't you stay here and rest? Your Mum will have Meyer, so you won't even have him to worry about. I'm going to speak with Virginia today about setting up IV fluids for you here at home. I think the antiemetics aren't working as well as they could be due to dehydration. I think you're in a vicious cycle." 

Although the thought was tempting, there were a few things on his agenda for the day that he felt he needed to be present for. One being a board meeting he had every intention of making it to while Helen dealt with other things - they only had one vote between them anyway. "I'll be fine," he said, turning over onto his back so he could see them better. "Won't get there early, but I'll be there. The board meeting isn't until 10."

Rather than argue with him, she simply came around to his side of the bed and took a seat on the edge next to him, rearranging Meyer on her lap. "Ok," she said, a look of resignation on her face. He knew none of this was easy on her either, and he wanted so badly to do whatever he could to not leave her alone in it. She leaned down, softly kissing his lips. "Do you need anything before I go? I need to dress him before your Mum gets here."

"No," he said. "I'll be fine." 

Helen held Meyer down to him, keeping his little body in her arms, "Give Daddy kisses!" Max leaned up, kissing the little one on the cheek as the baby laughed. "I love you," she told him. "Let me know when you leave here." 

Max agreed, promising he would even though he thought it totally unnecessary. "Love you," he said as she quietly exited their bedroom with Meyer. He did his best to find the energy to get out of bed and to the shower, but everything in him needed just a few more minutes. He briefly closed his eyes or at least meant to briefly close his eyes, and the next thing he knew, he was waking up to see it was after 11 o'clock, and he had missed the board meeting by over an hour. He grabbed his phone, seeing no missed calls or messages, and knew Helen had probably never expected him to make it in. 

He could hear activity in the kitchen as he sat up on the side of the bed, getting his bearings before standing and slowly making his way to their bathroom. Normally, they tag teamed mornings, but lately, Helen did the majority of the work as he did his best to get himself dressed and out the door on time. He was met with all of Helen's things the moment he walked into the room and saw Meyer's bath toys in the shower, a sure sign she had to put him in with her to keep an eye on him as she showered. Both such mundane details, but he would never complain about his side of the bathroom being taken over by her things or Meyer's toys in their shower. If not for the two of them, Max was certain he would have already quit treatment and decided to live out however long he had left. The further he went into the unrelenting regimen, the harder it became, and Helen and Meyer were the only reasons he hadn't given up. They made quitting impossible, and he would do whatever he had to do to beat this so he could stay with them. He wanted to get better for them. It was never himself he worried about, it was leaving them behind to live a life without him. It was knowing he would die terrified of what would happen to them after he was gone. When those thoughts entered his mind, the sickness was worth it, no matter how bad.

Max quickly showered, the energy he had managed to pull together quickly leaving but impressed he made it through without having to rest on the built-in bench. He dried off, making his way back into their bedroom, and he could hear Meyer babbling as he quickly dressed. It seemed every morning, he had to tie his scrub pants a little tighter. It didn't matter how many calories he managed to take in, one bad day seemed to cancel it all out, and the pounds kept falling off. He went back into the bathroom and quickly finished up his morning routine before he gave up and decided to crawl back into bed. It was tempting. Taking a shower and dressing had completely zapped him of any energy he'd managed to find, but he was determined to push forward. 

He entered the kitchen to find his mom standing at the counter, preparing Meyer's lunch as the little one stood next to her, holding on to her leg and looking up to watch her every move. Max smiled at how close Meyer had become to his parents since they'd been watching him, and knew it meant the world to them. He quietly walked over, reaching down and picking the baby up, the little one squealing out in excitement as he kissed his face. "Are you waiting for something?" 

"He is! He always follows me to the kitchen when he knows it's time for lunch," his mom laughed. "And he always knows! He took a whole bottle when he woke from his nap, but I could tell he was getting hungry again!" 

Max smiled, holding Meyer close, breathing in the scent of his baby wash before kissing his cheek and securing him in his high chair. "Some days, you can't fill him up." 

His mom went to the fridge, removing a container of food before closing the door, "Where are his plates? I can't find anything here. I'm used to having him at our house! Helen always has his bottles already made up, or I would have never found one of those!" 

Max laughed, watching as the baby beat his little hands on the tray, clearly growing impatient for his food. "Cabinet next to the oven. Left side," he replied. "That's where she keeps all of his stuff like that. Bottles, bowls, plates...." 

"Thank you," his mom said, opening the cabinet to find exactly what she'd been looking for. "I'm glad you got him in the chair for me. I just held him at the table for breakfast this morning because I had no idea how to work that chair, and I didn't want to ask Helen while she was trying to get out the door."

"This one's easy," Max said. "Just twist this here, and the tray lowers. Much easier than the one I had at my place or the one you have." 

His mom smiled, "I appreciate you giving us everything you had at your apartment for him. It's been so long since we've had a baby around that I wouldn't have known the first thing about getting our place ready."

Max laughed, "I didn't know very much either when I bought all of it." He could remember staying up late at night, researching everything he'd need for the baby when he had visitation. He'd gone to Iggy's office, desperate for help, and not wanting Helen to know he didn't have the slightest clue. The man had helped him narrow it down to what he really needed and gave suggestions on brands he knew to be good. Without Iggy, Max had no idea how he would have figured it all out. "Besides, none of the stuff I had would have gone with her," he said, motioning around them. "Whatever you call it. Decor? Color scheme? I don't know." 

"I'd only been here once before. When we came to see him a couple days after he was born," she replied. "I didn't pay a lot of attention at the time, but I can definitely see why you moved in here rather than her move in with you." Max would never forget that day, but he was sure for reasons other than the ones his mother was remembering. 

Max laughed, watching as Meyer held on to his fingers as he stood next to the high chair. "Bigger than my place, closer to work, exactly how she wants it, was just easier." He suddenly had thoughts of her redecorating his entire apartment had they decided to keep his place, and he'd never been more thankful he'd made the decision to move in with her. 

"It's beautiful," his mom said, looking around as she cut the baby's food up on the small plate. "Are you guys planning on staying here or getting something together?" 

Max knew his mom meant well. She didn't ask a lot of questions for fear he'd take it the wrong way, so he tried to be patient with her when she did. "My name was added to the lease, and half the rent is coming from my account now, so I'd say we're fine where we are!" He got his phone, checking to make sure he hadn't missed anything while he'd been talking with his mother. Before he could put it back in his pocket, he saw little hands reaching for the device. He held it in front of the baby, amazed that even at his tiny age he knew touching the screen would make something happen. 

"Ma..ma...ma," the little one smiled, kicking his legs. 

"Yeah," Max grinned, pointing to the phone. "That's you and Mommy, huh? Hopefully, this won't trigger a meltdown. I try to keep her out of sight and mind when she's not here."

"He did pretty well this morning," she said. "He cried for just a few minutes after Helen left, but then was fine. No offense, but he does much better when it's Daddy leaving him instead of Mommy."

Max laughed, knowing that was true. "Oh, I know he does! It's easier on both of them if I'm the one to leave him." 

His mom placed the food on Meyer's tray as the little one grinned, "Look, Meyer! You've got green peas, and you've got pasta!" She said, holding a piece of pasta up to his mouth. "Mommy made your favorites today! I told you she did!"

The baby picked up several of the green peas with his little hand, popping them into his mouth, and smiled up at Max. "You know, I tell Helen his bland palate is one hundred percent English!" It amazed him how fast the little one in front of him learned to do things. In a matter of a week or so, he'd gone from being happy with them feeding him to insisting on doing it himself, no matter how messy things might get. 

"Max," his mom admonished. "Tell your Daddy you are half English, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it!" The baby smiled at his grandmother as he carefully chewed his food, that one simple thing melting Max as he watched on. He'd always had moments where he had no idea how he could have ever not wanted the little one in front of him, but they were becoming more and more frequent now. "How are things going with you guys? I'm not trying to get in your business...."

Max smiled, taking a seat on a stool at the kitchen island near Meyer. "Yeah, you are." 

She looked at him as she placed more food on the baby's tray, "Ok, maybe I am!"

"Things are good," he replied. "Really good, actually. If she still shares a bed with me when I'm up and down vomiting all night, you can pretty much bet she's the one!" When he thought about the night before, the thing that bothered him most was the sleep Helen no doubt lost due to him. He tried to get her to sleep in the guest room, but she wouldn't hear of it. The last thing he wanted was for her to be even more exhausted than she already was because of him. "She's it, Mom," he smiled. "You know she's it. This isn't some temporary arrangement. For the rest of my life, however long that might be, she's it." 

"It's going to be a long time," she said, kissing the baby boy on the head as he continued eating with a concentration that reminded Max so much of himself. "We're not giving you up anytime soon. And I know she is," she smiled. "I've known that for a long time, and honestly, your father and I couldn't be happier for you. I still feel like I drive her crazy sometimes, but I think we've made progress. I pray we have."

Despite the rocky start, Max knew that was true. He knew his mother had tried with Helen since his discussion with her weeks ago. She was slowly realizing she didn't have to have the same relationship with Helen that she had with Georgia, and the moment she'd accepted that things started to get better. "The fact she trusts you with him says more about where you stand with her than anything. It wasn't my idea for you to watch him for us, not that I didn't want you to, but that was her idea completely." 

"I just didn't know her," his mom confessed. "I unfairly formed my own opinion, and never took the time to get to know her. Now that I have, I see exactly how the two of you happened. With that said," she laughed. "She still doesn't joke around with me the way she will with your father, but I think we've made progress." 

Max laughed, "That's nothing against you, I promise. Though she's bumped me down to last place with him. When he calls he asks about Meyer and her. Sometimes he remembers me, most times he doesn't." Despite the rocky start his mom and Helen had gotten off to, she'd taken up with his dad almost instantly since they'd officially been together. It was the exact opposite where he was concerned with her parents. He'd grown much closer to her mother over the past weeks, but he was still figuring out his relationship with her father. He leaned down, kissing Meyer's face as the baby smiled. "I love you," he said. The baby grinned, picking up a pea and putting it up to Max's mouth. He took the pea in his mouth, knowing he'd never be able to swallow it, but humoring the little one. "Thank you, buddy," Max said, kissing his face once again. 

He quickly spit the pea into the trash, grabbing his wallet and keys from the living room. "I'm heading out, Mom," he said. "Not sure which one of us will be home first, but hopefully, it won't be too late." 

"Don't either of you worry about that," his mom replied. "I already told Helen I've nowhere to be except here! Your father will probably find his way over, but we've got him as long as you need." 

He'd normally walk or run to work, needing the exercise to get him going, but this time he opted for a cab, almost falling asleep before reaching the hospital. He'd only been awake and going for a short while, but any real physical activity tired him out. It took minimal energy to stand and talk to his mother, but as soon as he started moving, he was reminded of reality. He wasn't used to such little energy. He wasn't used to getting out of the car, looking up at the building in front of him, and not really knowing how he was going to get through the day. The sight of the normal activity exhausting him before he ever made it through the front door. 

"Max!"

He looked up to see Brantley walking toward him on her way out, full of energy and no doubt with a list of things she needed to tell him. "Karen," he said. "I apologize for not making it this morning...."

"It's fine," she said, holding up her hand. "Helen was there and no offense, but we get a lot further with her than we do you. Meeting ended up being shorter too! Send her every time!" It briefly hit him that if Helen took the board meeting he was supposed to attend, then she had to rearrange the things she had scheduled for the same time. He'd have to apologize for that later. 

Max laughed, not entirely sure how to take the woman, but amused nonetheless, "She is the better half of this arrangement."

"You got her back here," Karen said. "A feat I truly never thought you'd accomplish, so you're ok in my book! I've got a meeting across town, so I have to go. We'll talk later!" With that, the older woman who had more energy than most anyone Max knew was out the door, and he was relieved he didn't have to listen to her rattle on as he made his way through the hospital about things he either couldn't help, find a solution for, or care anything about. 

Although it was the middle of the day, he decided to make rounds as he always did and see what was going on in every department. By his second stop, he realized Helen had already done it earlier, the staff telling him they'd seen Dr. Sharpe that morning, but he needed to keep going, mostly to prove to himself he still could. Just a week ago, he was making it around the hospital, keeping a full schedule without issue, and convinced this wouldn't get the best of him. The staff was normally full of conversation and questions, but as he made his way around, nobody bothered him. It was as if they knew he didn't have the energy to interact with them. He hated it. He absolutely hated it.

After what seemed like forever, he finally entered the ED to find a fresh Trauma rolling through the door and the rest of the department in mass chaos. Normally, he would have followed the team into the Trauma room and assisted however he could. Today, he simply turned around and walked out of the department, knowing there was absolutely no way he'd be of any help to them. If anything, he'd be lying on the gurney next to the patient if he tried to get involved, and create more work for his staff who already seemed stressed out and overworked. The fact his pager had been silent let him know everyone else already knew that. 

Max slowly made his way through the twisting, turning hallways of New Amsterdam, finally reaching the office he now shared with Helen. If he could get a few minutes to rest on the couch he'd just had placed in there the week before, he'd be good to go. An hour was all he needed. An hour would do wonders. He opened the door to find Helen in the middle of a meeting with one of the department managers, both looking up when he came into the office. "Carry on," he said, walking over to the couch and lying down. "I'm not even here."

"I actually think that covers everything," the lady said to Helen. "I appreciate you listening to all of this. I know you have a thousand other things to do today." 

"It's no problem at all," Helen said. "We'll schedule a disciplinary meeting with him as soon as possible, so if you'll get the rest of that information to me, I'll be in touch with a date and time." 

"Thank you so much, Helen," she said. "How is your little one doing?" 

"He's wonderful," she replied. "Growing way too fast! How are your children? Both in high school now, right?" Max had no idea how Helen remembered those details about people she very rarely interacted with, but she always had. There was probably a time he could have recalled the woman's name, but at the current moment, he didn't have the slightest clue. He continued lying there, praying she would continue to ignore him. 

"They are," she laughed. "And you're going to miss these days when he's their age, believe me!" 

Helen laughed, "I'm having a hard enough time accepting that he's about to turn a year old, I can't even think about him being a teenager!" He heard her stand from the desk, walking the woman to the door. "We'll be in touch!" She sighed as she closed the door, making her way over and taking a seat on the edge of the couch next to him. "Max...." 

"What was that about?" He mumbled, his arm resting on his face to block the harsh, fluorescent lighting from his eyes. "Who are you having a disciplinary meeting with?" 

"Dr. Martin," Helen replied. "He's verbally abusing the nurses again. Betty requested a meeting a couple days ago, so that's what you walked in on. Nothing I can't handle." 

"Fire him," Max said, not caring that there was a protocol they followed when disciplining staff which included several chances to turn things around. "He's a dick. And if he starts any shit with you....." 

Helen laughed, "Oh, trust me. He's not going to start anything with me. I can handle him just fine." Max had no doubt that she could, but he still felt protective of her whenever he thought of her having to do the uglier side of the job. She had asked for none of this, so he refused for it to be any harder on her than it needed to be. If the man got even the slightest hint of an attitude with her, protocols be damned, he would be out the door. "Why did you come in today?" 

"I told you I was coming in today," he said. He knew what she meant. He missed the only thing he had scheduled for the day, so his being there now was rather pointless. Still, he needed to keep moving. He needed to keep proving to himself he could get up and make it in every day. "I'm sorry I missed the board meeting, I fell back to sleep without setting my alarm." 

She took his hand in hers, "I'm not arguing with you about coming in, but you were really sick last night, Max. Since you're here, would you please go get some IV fluids?" Any other day, he would argue, but he could feel his heart rate had been faster than usual all morning, and he'd yet to use the restroom, both telltale signs he was absolutely dehydrated. "I've talked with Virginia, and she's getting IV fluids set up at home."

"Helen, I'm not having some nurse coming over to hook me up to fluids every day," he shot back.

Helen rolled her eyes, "Max, how clueless do you think I am? You act as if this is my first day dealing with you! I know you aren't going to agree to have a nurse come over every day. Lucky for you, I can administer medication and fluids without any issue! I just think keeping you hydrated is the key to keeping the nausea and vomiting manageable. At least let me try it."

"Ok," Max conceded, knowing he was in no real position to argue with her. He turned his thoughts to Meyer, smiling as he thought about their baby boy. It didn't matter how horrible he felt or how bad his day was going, thoughts of their son always made it better. "I have to tell you that you made Meyer's day leaving him plain pasta and green peas for lunch. He even tried to feed me a pea."

"Don't start about his bland palate," Helen laughed. "You know, we have better food than you give us credit for. You're just used to overly processed American food. When we're finally able to go, I'll show you!" 

Max smiled, "So I get to go to London next time you go?" 

"I'll be offended if you don't," she replied, leaning down to softly kiss his lips. "Seeing as how I'm planning on keeping you around!" 

There were so many things he desperately wanted to see. Meyer's first visit to see Helen's friends and family in England was one of them. The thought of her canceling a trip she had planned for months because of him was hard to take, but she wouldn't hear of going while he was undergoing treatment. She had sacrificed more than she would ever admit to, so he had already made a promise to himself that he'd spend every holiday away from home if she wanted. There were so many things he wanted to give her, so many things he never wanted her to worry about ever again. He would do whatever he had to do to get better. He slowly sat up on the couch, "I'll go get fluids. Just not in the infusion room. Not feeling very social today." 

"I think that can be arranged," she told him. 

It sounded completely ridiculous, but he hated going to the Oncology unit. It was the only place he'd avoided earlier in the day, stopping by every other unit except that one. Seeing the other patients made it more real. He had already been hit with the harsh reality that not everyone he'd met in the infusion clinic would make it. Just in the time he'd been undergoing treatment, two of the regulars had passed away. Seeing the sickness and knowing he was one of the group made him think about his mortality far more than he wanted to, and he had no idea how Helen had ever come to the decision to be an Oncologist. She was brilliant and had saved countless lives, but he didn't know how she ever did it day after day. 

"If you'll go in there," Helen said, opening the door to one of the patient rooms on the unit. "I'll get the fluids and tell the nurses to block this room off." 

Max did as she instructed, entering the empty patient room and taking a seat on the bed. He looked around, vividly remembering his time there not long ago. While a patient on that unit, he figured out he could pretend it wasn't happening as long as he kept the door closed. Beyond that door was a reality he didn't want to face. He could recall wanting so badly to see Meyer while he was in the hospital but knowing it wasn't safe to bring him on the unit. Out of the entire hospital, it was the most toxic place, full of drugs that were no better than poison, but for so many, including him, their only hope. 

He was lost in his thoughts when she entered the room with IV fluids and a syringe of medicine. "I'm giving you 2 liters of fluid and an antiemetic. You'll be here for the rest of the day. I don't want to see you rolling this IV pole around the hospital, understand? Sharon is the charge nurse today, I've known her for a very long time, and she's going to keep an eye on you for me, so I mean it, no breaking out of here." 

Max smiled, watching as she prepared the fluids and connected them to his port. "I'm offended you'd think I would do such a thing!" 

Helen gave him a look, "Please." She grabbed the syringe of medication off a nearby table, connected it to his IV line, and injected it slowly, "This should make you feel better. Hopefully, between this and the fluids, we can keep the vomiting away. You can't keep going like you were last night, you know that, right? A couple nights like that and Virginia will have no choice but to admit you. There won't be anything I can do about it, and I certainly won't argue with her." 

He nodded, "I know. I promise I'll do whatever you say to stay out of here. Fluids at home, meds, whatever. I just don't want to be stuck here, unable to see Meyer." 

"You'll always get to see Meyer, Max," Helen said. "There's always a way to figure that out, but we're trying to keep you out of here, so that's what I need you to focus on. I need you to rest while I take care of everything else like we talked about. I can't be worried about what you're doing. This should end by late afternoon, and as soon as it's done, I want you to go home." 

Max sighed, not ready to throw in the towel just yet. "Helen, if I feel like staying once this is finished, I don't see what the issue is." 

"Max," she said. "Can you just, for once, do what I'm asking you to do? When this is done, don't worry about this place. Go home, relieve your Mum, and spend time with Meyer. I'll hopefully be home at a decent hour." 

He wanted to argue, but he could see he wouldn't get anywhere even if he tried. Her mind was made up, and he'd be going home as soon as the infusion was complete. "Ok, I'll go home as soon as this is finished." 

"Thank you," she said, leaning down to kiss him. "I'd stay, but I have a meeting in 15 minutes with the Pharmacy director about something completely pointless. I have no idea how you've done this for so long." 

He smiled, "You get used to it." If he was being honest, he'd have to admit that he missed the pointless drama. He missed the arguing between departments that got so out of hand, it made it all the way up to him. He missed having to get creative to solve problems. He missed interacting with the patients he was lucky enough to meet while doing his job. As hectic, stressful, and completely frustrating as the job could be, he missed it. 

"If you need me, all you have to do is call," she told him, making her way to the door. "Let me know when you leave here and when you get home, please." 

Max lay there in the silence for the longest time, staring at the ceiling as the fluids slowly ran into his body. He was exhausted, but his mind wouldn't stop. Letting go wasn't easy. Admitting work was too much was something he didn't know how to do. Helping is how he coped with everything wrong in his life, it had always been that way. He threw himself into work during all of his problems with Georgia and their divorce. He threw himself into work when things had ended with Helen. He threw himself into work throughout her entire pregnancy. He threw himself into work after Meyer was born, and he spent so much time away from him due to their custody arrangement. Work was his escape, and without it, he was forced to face reality in a way he hated. He promised himself when he was diagnosed that he would work through it, continue to help where he could, and not let cancer take over. He couldn't find it in him to let that promise go. 

Idle time gave him a chance to reflect, and he hated doing that more than anything. He hated looking back and thinking of all the times he turned left when he probably should have turned right. He hated looking back and thinking of people he'd hurt, even if they'd hurt him just as much. Thoughts of all the years he spent swearing the last thing he ever wanted was children ran through his head all of the time. They were the worst at night as he was rocking Meyer to sleep. He'd look down at the little boy in his arms and feel so much shame for ever thinking he didn't want to be a father, remembering all the times during Helen's pregnancy when he honestly didn't know how he'd ever add a child to his life. He put work above everything, and now at what could very well be the end of his life, all he felt was guilt. He'd spent so much time believing he had it all figured out, and the irony wasn't lost on him that time was running out now that he had finally realized exactly how his life was meant to be. 

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts, and he opened his eyes to see Floyd enter the room. "I'd tell you that you've never looked better but," Floyd joked, smiling as he came closer to the bed. "Mind if I sit?"

"Go ahead," Max replied. "I'm not going anywhere." 

Floyd grabbed a chair, bringing it over next to the bed and took a seat. Max could tell by the look on his face that he hadn't come to catch up on the latest hospital gossip or to complain about work. He was here for a specific reason, and Max wasn't sure he wanted to find out why. "First off, Helen doesn't know I'm here," Floyd began. "And she may hate me for this later, but I had to come talk to you myself. I couldn't let the day pass knowing you were here without coming to see you." 

Max hit the button to raise the head of his bed, ready to listen to whatever it was Floyd needed to get off his chest. He wasn't a man of many words, so when he had something to say, most everyone listened, himself included. "Ok...." 

"Helen will never tell you this because she loves you, but today has been a mess," Floyd said. "I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I'm saying it because I know you'd do the same for me. You've done it before, taken an objective look at a situation when I couldn't, so I'm here to do the same for you. Yesterday, when Helen and I spoke, we figured the schedule for today out. I told her when this started that I'd be there to help however I could, and I meant that. Since you insisted on coming to the board meeting, she scheduled meetings during that time while I was taking care of things I could given the fact I'm not in the same position as you guys." 

Max continued listening, feeling certain he knew where this was going. 

"When you didn't show, which is understandable, Helen had to drop everything and go to the board meeting," Floyd explained. "We can't afford to not have representation for our side there, you know this. She reacted quickly, moved meetings around, but it messed the rest of the day up. I have patients all afternoon, so the help I could give her was limited once the whole day was thrown off," he stopped talking, sighing as he sat there looking at Max. "This is only going to work if you hand it over to her and take a step back. This half in, half out thing is only complicating what she's trying to do." 

Max sat there for a few minutes, unable to come up with a response. Although he hadn't thought about it, too focused on other things, what Floyd said was true. The guilt he felt at asking her to take over his job was always there, so he desperately wanted to continue doing what he could. Every second she missed with their son made him think about what he'd asked her to do. He had signed up for this job, not her, and asking her to carry it by herself simply wasn't fair. 

"The board is ready to name her interim medical director as soon as you step back. Votes are there," Floyd told him. "I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm here to tell you what I know she won't, but what you need to know. She'll do this with you for as long as you can, you know she will, but is it the best decision? I know you have your reasons for trying to hang in there, but she does a hell of a job, Max. We'll miss you, but you can at least know your replacement is just as good as you are. She can run this place and make it look easy. And she does it on top of being a Mama to little man and worrying about you. All I'm saying is she's got this, and we've got her. You never have to worry about that, ok? We've got her." 

Max nodded, knowing everything Floyd said was true. "It's just," he paused. "She never asked for any of this." 

"Neither of you asked for this," Floyd replied. "Neither of you asked for a single part of this, but you're a team, and that's how you're going to get through it."

"I never thought I'd be here," Max laughed sarcastically. "Not even 40 years old and having no idea if I'll live to see my son grow up. What was the point? I was fine the way I was! Alone, miserable, working every waking minute....." Most times, he tried to focus on the good in his life. He tried to focus on the fact he had a reason to beat this. However, there were very rare occasions, much like the current one, where the anger needed to go somewhere. He needed to direct it at someone before it completely consumed him. 

"I don't know, Max," Floyd said. "Hard as it is to accept, sometimes there is no point. At least not that we'll ever get to know. I know the two of us have different beliefs, and I respect that. I'll never tell you anything with the intent to change your mind or force what I believe on you, but I'll always be honest. What you're facing? It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense that a guy your age with so much to give and so much to live for would be sidelined with this. I could wrack my brain for the rest of my life, and it will never make sense. That's where faith comes in." 

"You know I don't really have much of that," Max replied. 

"But you do," Floyd said. "You have more faith than most anyone I know. It doesn't have to fit the conventional meaning. Fact is, you believe in some crazy stuff that the rest of us are convinced will never work, and you never mind being alone in that. You'll fight by yourself to the bitter end if you believe in something, doesn't matter. Whatever you want to call it, you have it." 

Max would hardly equate his determination to having faith, but he could see what Floyd was trying to say. Still, most days he felt as if he was being punished for all the wrong he had done in his life, for all of the mistakes he'd made. Most of the time, he felt like if there really was a higher power that he was being punished, and there was no use in trying to make amends. "You know I never wanted kids," he said, knowing Floyd wouldn't know where the conversation was going with that statement. "All of my adult life, I never wanted them. I didn't even really like being around them. That was actually the main reason for my divorce. My ex-wife wanted kids, and I didn't." 

He could tell by the look on Floyd's face that he hadn't known that. "I came here to leave all of that behind me. I needed a fresh start away from anything to do with that part of my life. I came here fully intending to remain single and throw myself into work. I took this job to make a difference." 

Floyd smiled, kindness, and understanding in his expression, "Then you met Helen." 

"Then I met Helen," Max repeated, still able to picture her in his mind as she was on that first day. "I never really stood a chance, you know? First time she smiled at me, first time I heard her laugh, I was gone, and that probably happened before lunch on my first day....." 

Floyd laughed aloud, "Hey, we've all been there! No shame in admitting it! Maybe not before lunch on the first day, but....." 

"I can't tell you how or why we became close so quickly," Max continued. "I was closed off for so long, I guess it was good to finally let someone in, but I always knew I needed to get a handle on things before it got out of control. I knew I could never give her what she wanted. She'd been through so much, talked as if she didn't want a family one day, but I knew deep down she wanted what I could never give her. I could have let her go, put my own selfishness aside, and done the right thing, but I didn't. All I could see was her. I couldn't see the consequences. I didn't give a damn about the consequences." 

"I think if you're trying to shoulder the blame," Floyd said. "You gotta give a little of it to Helen too. I've known her for a long time, she's like a sister to me, and she's not stupid. I think she was as caught up as you were." 

"I never wanted kids," Max continued. "Then she tells me she's pregnant, and I spent the rest of her pregnancy so conflicted and sure I couldn't be a father. She gave me the chance to walk away, but I couldn't. Maybe that was my opportunity to turn everything I'd done around, you know? Maybe I should have walked away. Having that little boy is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Meyer is the greatest thing I will ever do. I had no idea what I'd been missing until him. I'm also aware that if I had walked away, done the selfless thing, she wouldn't be going through this now. I wouldn't have a son, but he wouldn't have a father who he'll have no memory of if I don't beat this. I was selfish, and that's the reason they're in the middle of this with me. So yeah, maybe I deserve it, I've screwed up so many things, but they don't. Helen and Meyer don't deserve this, and that's the part that kills me." 

Floyd sighed, "Max, I'm going to tell you something that you may not want to hear, but you don't have that much power, ok? I know this is where we're on opposite sides of the coin, but what was planned for you was planned for you long before any of what you just told me was a factor. You can believe that or not, I'll respect you either way, but you are not that powerful. And if you can look at it that way, then you have to admit that my take on it could be right also. I believe Helen came into your life for a very specific reason, and I believe you guys had Meyer for a very specific reason, and I believe it was to show you why you can't give up. I believe it was to show you that you're not finished here yet." 

"I can't leave her, Floyd," Max said. "I can't break her heart that way. I have no idea why she loves me, but she does, and God knows I don't deserve her. She's the best person I know, completely selfless, and she deserves everything she's ever wanted, so I can't leave her. Not like this." 

"So don't," Floyd said. "Don't leave her, Max. You fight like hell. If not for yourself, for Helen and that little boy. You do whatever you gotta do, knowing this won't last forever. You let us help, and you focus on fighting so you can stay with your family. And while you're doing that, learn to forgive yourself. None of this is your fault, understood? You fell in love, it's messy sometimes, so what! Doesn't mean the two of you weren't meant to be." 

"And what if that fight doesn't turn out the way I want it to?" Max respected the man sitting next to him, but the anger he had at the situation consumed more of him than he ever realized. 

"Then you know you did everything you could, fought as hard as you could," Floyd continued. "It's gonna suck, I know it already does, and you'll have to make decisions you don't want to make, but you do it knowing who you're fighting for. It's not this place. It's your family." 

Max was in no position to disagree. At the end of the day, all that mattered was Helen and Meyer. It was thoughts about them that kept him up at night, not the hospital. It was thoughts about dying and leaving them, thoughts that his son was too young to have any real memory of him, thoughts of Helen's heart being broken for the second time in the very same way. The hospital never entered his mind during the worst of it. As important as he made the very place he was currently in, it was the very last thing to enter his mind when it came down to the hard truths. "You promise you'll be there even if she insists she doesn't need help?" 

"I swear to you," Floyd answered. "You focus on getting better. We have this place, and we have Helen." 

Max lay there long after Floyd was gone thinking about everything he said. During his career, he'd seen things that made no sense at all. Horrible things that seemed to happen at random to good people. People who had most likely done everything right and were still victims of horrible outcomes. He'd unsuccessfully tried to save countless young people who had their whole life ahead of them, their only mistake being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Life was often hardest for good people. He'd never been religious, losing all faith at such a young age when his sister was taken, and he'd never given it a second thought until he saw Meyer take his first breath. The sadness and death he'd witnessed in his life and career were random, but there was no way his son was a random happenstance. He didn't need the faith Floyd walked around with to know that, and deserved or not, he believed Meyer had been given to him for a reason.

He felt tears welling up in his eyes as his thoughts went to Helen. Right or wrong, Max would always believe he walked into New Amsterdam not to try his hand at being a medical director, but to meet her. He thought he had love figured out. Before that day, if asked, Max would have told anyone that he had been in love before. He had loved another person with his entire heart, and it had ended badly. Love wasn't for everyone. Now he knew he had no clue. He had no clue, until the day Helen came into his life, that he could fall so deeply. He had no idea he could love so strongly that he lost all sense of reason. He had no idea that he could be so in love that he would question everything he ever believed about himself. He'd been on this earth for decades, but his life had really begun with her, and he wasn't ready to give that up. He wanted everything with her, anything she wanted, and he wasn't ready to let that go. 

He finally woke hours later, completely unaware he'd fallen asleep until he heard Helen's voice and felt her hand gently running through his hair. He opened his eyes to see her disconnecting the IV line from his port. "What time is it?" 

"Time to go home," she told him. "It's almost 7:00. You've been done for a few hours, but I just let you sleep. Thought I'd stop by and get you before I went home. I like you a little too much to leave you here." 

He smiled as he sat up on the side of the bed, still groggy from sleeping for several uninterrupted hours, but feeling far less dizzy now that he was rehydrated. "I probably won't sleep tonight."

"That will actually work out great," she smiled. "Because your son took a later nap than I would have ever allowed, so he'll be wide open until God knows when tonight. He apparently fell asleep with Grandpa this afternoon." 

Max laughed, not finding it hard to believe that his Dad had found his way over to nap with the baby. "I think can handle it." 

Helen finished taking the IV bag off the pole and cleaning up everything they'd used in the room. Before he'd fallen asleep, he promised himself he would think it over through the night and then make a decision, but seeing her in front of him, he knew what he had to do. "Before we go, I want to get the paperwork to fill out for a leave of absence." 

She turned to look at him, clearly shocked, "Max, what...." 

"I know I need to do it," he replied. "I know I've needed to do it. Every time I walk in this place I know I am putting myself at risk, and I can't do it anymore. I promised I'd fight this, and that means I have to give myself the best chance to do it." Before he finished, she walked over, wrapping her arms around him in a hug. "You and Meyer are all that matters," he said, gently rubbing her back as he held her to him. "I'm not fighting for this hospital. It's all for the two of you." 

They stayed that way for several minutes, content being in one another's arms. Helen finally pulled back, cupping his face in her hands, and he could see the tears about to spill over that she'd been trying so hard to hold in, "Seeing this happening to you," she said. "Seeing what you're giving up and knowing how much it all means to you, it hurts me more than you'll ever know, but I want you more. I want to keep you so much more than I care about any of this, Max." 

Max placed a quick kiss on her lips, pulling her back into his arms and holding her as she finally let go and cried. "You've got me. And whatever I have to do to make sure you keep me is what I'll do. None of this matters more than you and Meyer, Helen." 

He had so many plans for the hospital, so many improvements he wanted to make, and he always swore he wouldn't stop until it was done. Helping others was his passion, making sure everyone got the care they deserved was his driving force, but somewhere along the way, that passion and motivation had shifted. Sitting on the bed in the Oncology unit, holding the only woman he had ever truly, deeply, profoundly loved in his arms, he realized the only thing that mattered was the family he had made with her. The family he never knew he needed so badly. The family he would do anything for. 


	14. Chapter 14

It would surprise most people to know, that despite her reservations, Helen had always had moments where she wondered what it would be like if she and Max had tried their hand at a relationship. During her pregnancy with Meyer, she would sometimes wonder if things would have been much easier if she could have just let go and given in to what her heart so desperately wanted. Despite the lies she told herself, convinced herself were truth, she had always known that deep down she wanted it all with him. Those moments became even more frequent after their son was born, but she couldn't allow herself to go there. She wouldn't. The risk was simply too great. Still, she had moments where she imagined it, and though she knew no relationship was perfect, what she imagined was as close to perfect as two flawed individuals could realistically achieve. 

Not once did she picture cancer. She pictured disagreements over long hours at work, trying to blend two very different families and decisions concerning their son. Normal things that any couple navigates during their relationship. She never pictured the raw emotion of a journey through an unforgiving disease having any place in what they could share if only she were brave enough. She never pictured the very thing she had told countless family members of patients numerous times - that patients often take their fear and frustration out on those they love most. She never pictured them doing their very best to raise their son while fighting the overwhelming emotion of Max's illness. 

Helen knew Max made the right decision when he took a leave of absence from work. Logically, he couldn't continue going the way he had been. It was all he could do to keep up with treatments and all of the harsh side effects that came with it. The energy he did have, he put into their relationship and son. There was literally nothing left for anything or anyone else. She was used to the guy who seemed to be everywhere at once when it came to the hospital, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to watch his decline. The one thing she hadn't thought of was the misplaced anger he would have toward the situation he was in. He was so angry, and she never saw that anger finding its way to her, putting a strain on something so new between them. 

She had never once felt as if she was walking on eggshells around him, but the past few days, she had no idea what would set him off. It was as if he expected her to read his mind, even if those thoughts were a million miles away and made no sense. In the span of a couple weeks, they'd gone from being unable to get enough of one another, the physical aspect of their relationship reminding her just how good it could be between them, to the emotion of him walking away from a job he loved more than anything.....even if, hopefully, only temporarily. That shift alone was enough to deal with, but since his next to last treatment, Helen felt as if she was living with a complete stranger at times. The angry, never satisfied, brooding man she now knew as Max was someone she didn't know how to deal with. He wasn't _her_ Max, and she was struggling to tell herself that he was still in there, it was just the cancer steering the ship for now. 

Helen sat at her desk, a desk she had shared with him just over a week prior, and went over everything she would be discussing at that morning's department chair meeting. It was a meeting she didn't feel like having, especially given the morning she'd just endured, but it was her job, and she promised she would do it to the best of her ability. She would do it because she promised Max she would do it. The Max she loved more than anything, and the one she knew was somewhere down in there buried under all of that fear and anger. 

She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes as she thought about their argument. It wasn't like her to back down, but every time she said something she didn't mean, she thought about how this could be the last months she'd have with him, and her heart broke all over again. She thought about the big things that had been relegated to small things even though they really bothered her - she didn't focus on the little things when his life was hanging in the balance, she simply learned to live with them. She had such an understanding for family members who sat across from her and looked completely overwhelmed and lost, having no idea how to navigate a life they'd always navigated with their loved one, alone. She knew if she was ever able to put her Oncologist hat back on after this, she would be treating her patients and their family from a whole new and terrifying place of understanding. 

They had promised one another before that they'd be honest about how they were feeling. They would share their worries and fears, both knowing to keep it bottled up was the worst possible thing they could do. Only some of the things that had been haunting her mind lately she could never share with him, she would never share with him. She also suspected he'd been plagued by the very same thing. It wasn't that he didn't have terrifying thoughts, and it wasn't that he didn't need to share those, it was that he couldn't bring himself to put those on her. She understood because she wanted to protect any minuscule part of him that might be untouched by cancer. If there was a place he hadn't allowed himself to go, she didn't want to take him there. She couldn't. No matter how badly she knew they needed each other right now, she couldn't. 

_These days, time moved at warp speed, but Helen could honestly say nothing moved faster than mornings as she tried to get herself and Meyer ready so she could get to work on time. Max's fifth treatment had been another brutal one, the past couple days leaving him in bed, and she'd taken Meyer to his parents' house so he could rest as much as his chemotherapy riddled stomach would allow. Nights had been spent making sure he was hooked up to IV fluids and barely sleeping between his trips to the bathroom, where the vomiting seemed to have no end. He was always freezing, and Helen had exhausted every effort she had to keep him warm. Extra clothing wasn't good enough, extra blankets weren't good enough, blocking the air vents to keep most of the cold air out of their bedroom wasn't good enough, and he still managed to wrap himself around her as he slept even though she was burning up in the July New York City heat. It was miserable, but she knew he was even more miserable, so she endured. As sleepless as her nights were, Helen didn't have the heart to complain, and she dealt with it as best she could, relying on coffee to get her through._

_She was busy typing up the agenda for the meeting as she sat at the kitchen table and fed Meyer his breakfast. The little boy in front of her, still sleepy from being pulled out of his bed far earlier than he would have woke on his own, quietly looked around with heavy eyes as he took spoonful after spoonful of baby cereal and fruit. He wasn't the playful baby boy he normally was when he'd gotten every second of sleep his body needed. Mornings with Meyer were usually little hands beating the high chair tray as his tiny voice babbled away. It was him insisting on feeding himself even though he got more food on his face and the floor than in his mouth. Whenever she felt like complaining, she remembered his life had been turned upside down too. He had gone from having a father who seemed to have endless energy, to having no idea why there were some evenings he didn't come out of the bedroom. The evening before he'd crawled to their bedroom door and sat there, knowing Max was inside and not understanding why he wasn't coming out. Everything in Helen wanted to protect him, keep him with her constantly, but they were all making sacrifices to get Max through this. These days she felt as if her heart stayed in a million pieces, but seeing their son affected by everything going on broke it into a million and one. "Grandpa has a trip to the park planned for you today," she said, smiling at the baby as she offered him another bite of cereal. "Come on, Meyer, a couple more bites, and you're all done!"_

_He quietly finished his food, and Helen stood from her place at the table, kissing Meyer's head as she made her way to the sink to rinse his bowl. The second she was out of his sight, the baby boy started crying, his patience just as thin as hers. "Meyer," she said, placing the bowl on the kitchen counter. "Baby, you're ok!" She quickly got him out of his chair, placing him on her hip as his tears instantly stopped the second he was in her arms. She continued moving through the kitchen quickly, putting breakfast dishes in the dishwasher and grabbing Meyer's bottles out of the fridge as the little one stayed perched on her hip, calm and happy. She was lost in her thoughts, completely missing Max entering the kitchen, until Meyer squealed out, his little arms reaching for his Daddy._

_He reached out, taking the baby into his arms, and kissed his head, "Hey, buddy...." No matter how much sleep he was able to get, he always looked exhausted. The weight he had dropped had been drastic, and no matter what she tried, she couldn't seem to turn it around. The nausea he battled often made tube feedings next to impossible, and she knew total parental nutrition was next. He would fight it with everything in him, Helen was ready for it, but they were running out of options, his philosophy of hanging on just a few more weeks no longer working._

_She stopped long enough to allow him to place a quick kiss on her lips as she packed the baby's bag with bottles and lunch for the day. "How are you feeling?"_

_"I'm ok," he replied, his voice hoarse from all of the vomiting the day before. At times, she wasn't sure why she asked. He would never tell her the truth. The truth being he felt as bad as one could imagine. "What are you doing?"_

_Helen looked at him, not pausing as she continued getting everything ready to go. "I'm packing his bottles and lunch for today."_

_"What for?" He asked. "He's staying with me today."_

_Helen stopped, turning to look at him as she zipped the baby's lunch bag. "No," she said. "He's going to your parents' house today, Max. He's been going to your parents' house."_

_"Helen," Max said. "I'm fine. I'm feeling much better today, so there's no reason to take him there."_

_She could never tell him that she didn't want to leave Meyer with him for fear something would happen and he'd be unable to react as he normally would. She had thoughts of Max being too out of it in bed asleep to hear Meyer crying from his crib. Thoughts of him not being fast enough to get to the baby if he was about to hurt himself. She had so many terrifying thoughts, all concerning their son's safety, that she could never tell Max. It would destroy him to know she had doubts that he could adequately care for their son while she was away. "Max, you haven't been well, and your parents are expecting him. Your Dad is planning on taking him to the park. Can we please not argue about this? I have to drop him off and get to work."_

_The moment he walked out of the kitchen with Meyer in his arms, she knew it wasn't going to be as simple as him giving in. Nothing was simple anymore. This version of Max would fight with everything in him over things he never would have before. She watched as he went into the living room, turned the TV on, and placed Meyer on the floor near his toys. He didn't give her a second glance as he took a seat and started watching the morning news. He had drawn his line in the sand._

_"Max," she said._

_"I'm not working anymore, Helen," he said, never looking away from the TV. "I've given that up. I'm not giving up time with Meyer, you can forget it."_

_She wanted to react. She wanted to tell him it had nothing to do with the things he'd given up, she was painfully aware of how he felt about that, but it had everything to do with Meyer. Instead, she sighed, trying to choose her words carefully. "Max, I understand that, but you cannot deny that the past couple days have been rough on you. Why don't you let him go there today, and then tomorrow he can stay with you."_

_"No," he said simply. "I've done everything you wanted since this started, but I refuse to do this."_

_"Everything I've wanted?!" There was no way he was serious. Since this nightmare began, she had done her best to follow his lead when it came to how he dealt with his treatment. She gave her opinion only when asked, everything else she left to Virginia. She focused all of her energy on being the best significant other, girlfriend, support system, or whatever other title they may have agreed on if they had the luxury of lighthearted conversation anymore. Sure, she had slipped up a few times, but she had tried so hard to forget she was an Oncologist when it came to his cancer._

_"I wouldn't be like this if you'd just entertained the idea that there could be some other treatment out there for two seconds," he replied. "I wanted to look into clinical trials, other treatment options, but you wouldn't hear of it."_

_"You're in complete control of your own treatment, Max," she said. He was so angry, and there was no way she was going to allow him to see her lose the battle she was currently fighting with her emotions. She wouldn't break down in front of him when he was being this way. "But no, if lying to you is what you wanted, that was never going to happen. I do believe the course you're on is the best option, and I'm never going to feel differently about that. Yes, there are other treatment options, but are they better than chemotherapy and radiation? Is it better to gamble on something else working when we know these do? No, I don't believe so."_

" _Well, that's your opinion," he replied._

_The exhaustion only compounded the anger she felt at the moment, she was well aware of that, but she was beyond being able to hold back. "You know what, Max? Why don't you call Virginia and discuss all of this with her? Pick whatever treatment you want."_

_He laughed sarcastically, "We both know Virginia is going to agree with anything you say. There's no point in discussing this with her."_

_"Then find someone else!!! If you think you can find someone so much better than me or so much better than Virginia, you go do that!" She would apologize where warranted, but she would never apologize for being the best doctor she could be when it came to giving her opinion. She would never apologize for promising this was the best way, even knowing how heartbreaking it would be to watch him go through it. She would apologize for a lot, but never for loving him. "Just let me know your plans whenever you make them."_

_He sat there for a few minutes, quiet, obviously contemplating what he was going to say next. The anger he had underneath the surface was waiting to spill over, Helen knew it probably needed to spill over, but she didn't have the energy to be on the receiving end. She didn't have the resolve, it would take to deal with everything he was feeling while being able to table her own emotions. She simply didn't have it in her. "He's not going to my parents' house today, Helen," he finally said. "So you can stop waiting around to take him. Just go to work."_

_Without saying a word, she walked over, picking Meyer up, and kissed his face the second he was in her arms. She breathed him in, hoping with everything in her, he'd remain safe while she was gone, and that Max's strength would withstand the day. "You be a good boy for Daddy today, ok? I love you!" The baby grinned at her, completely melting her heart, and she placed him back on the floor among his toys. He went right back to playing with some blocks, not bothered at all by the obvious tension in the room._

_Making her way to the kitchen, she quickly unpacked the baby's lunch bag and placed the bottles and food back into the fridge. "You can call your mother and tell her he isn't coming," she said as she gathered her things. There was no way she would be doing that. She wasn't incredibly close to his mother, but their relationship had improved significantly from what it once was, and lately, they agreed more often than not about everything concerning his health. There was a great chance she would break down if she tried to vent about his latest antics, and there was no way that was going to happen. "He nursed about 6:30 and then had his fruit and cereal. There are three bottles in the fridge, and his lunch is already made."_

_She could see Max watching her every move as she headed toward the door. "Hey," he said. She closed her eyes, turning around and looking at him. "I love you."_

_No matter how upset she got with him, no matter how much his anger and stubbornness hurt, he would always be that sweet blue-eyed guy that had stolen her heart almost immediately. He would always be the place she felt most safe. He would always be everything she couldn't lose. "I love you too, Max."_

She was certain the faces staring back at her, the ones who knew her best could tell something was wrong even though she desperately tried to hide it. No matter what was going on in her personal life, she was used to compartmentalizing and pretending the caregiver didn't need any care herself. At times, she hated how close she had become to her family at New Amsterdam. It was so much easier to hide when nobody knew you well enough to pick up on all you weren't saying. "We have a new Attending joining Internal Medicine," she said. "Dr. Marshall. He starts next week, so let's please give him a warm welcome, and do all we can to make his transition here an easy one. Dr. Reynolds has been working with his team on transitioning as many cardiac followup appointments to telemedicine as they can in their department, how is that going?"

Floyd quickly looked down at his notes, "Everything is going well. Everyone has completed training on the telemedicine program we'll be using, and we've split into two groups. The first will launch Monday to be followed the next week by the second group. The nursing staff has hired extra personnel to assist patients on their end, so we're hopeful this will be a success." 

"Great," Helen replied. "Neurology will follow Cardiology and will be led by Dr. Hartman. Following Neurology will be Endocrinology. We'll discuss how things are going after those three specialties launch and get a schedule in place for everyone else. The last thing we need to discuss is the addition of medical scribes to each department. Max is aware, and we are awaiting board approval, but first, I need the number each department will be requesting so I can present that information to them at the next board meeting. Get with your Attendings and get that information to me by no later than Friday. I can't promise we'll get approval for that final number, but we need a starting point. Is there anything else?" 

Helen had never been more grateful for the silence she was met with than she was that morning. Her department chair meetings were far less animated than Max's, but she stuck to the agenda and didn't stray from it like he often did. Keeping things short and sweet was the only way she had figured out to deal with the job. "Ok, if we don't have anything else, we'll meet again next month, and as always, if there is anything in the meantime, please don't hesitate to contact me. Dr. Reynolds, we'll be in touch concerning the telemedicine launch, and Dr. Kapoor, please let Dr. Hartman know to be expecting the same correspondence." 

She quickly packed up her things as everyone filed out of the board room, and it took everything in her not to pick her phone up and call Max just to make sure everything was going well. It would only make things worse between them. He already felt as if everyone thought he could no longer do the things he'd always done, so checking in on him would be the final straw. Before she could gather her things, Lauren hopped up on the boardroom table and gave her a look. "What's going on with you today?" 

Helen took a deep breath, not wanting to lose control in front of her friend. "It's just been a morning," she replied. 

Lauren got down from the table, following Helen out of the room, and she knew her friend would never let it go. "What kind of morning? Helen, I know when something is wrong with you, so you may as well spill it!" 

"Don't you have patients?" Helen asked, trying her hardest to avoid the conversation. There was no solution to her problem. There was no room for her feelings in what they had going on. Max was the one with cancer. Max was the one who had his entire life turned upside down. Max was the one stuck at home, unable to do the things he loved most. To complain, she felt, would be selfish. 

"Lucky for you," Lauren quipped. "Candelario knows I have a meeting and no estimated time of return. You aren't getting rid of me!" 

"Dr. Sharpe!" She heard, turning to see one of the dayshift janitors waving at her as he jogged in her direction. "How is Dr. Goodwin?" 

Helen smiled, the kind man standing in front of her reminding her exactly what she loved so much about Max. One of the many, many things she loved about him. She had never met a medical director who cared the way he did. Who made her care the way she now did. Before him, she didn't take time to get to know a single person employed at the hospital who wasn't a fellow Physician or Oncology nurse. She passed by some of these people for years and had never taken the time to even ask their names. "John," she smiled. "He's doing as well as can be expected. Hoping to finish treatment next week." It was the most generic answer she could give. The only one that respected Max's privacy and everything she knew he didn't want people knowing he was going through. 

"I am so glad to hear that," he smiled. "We are praying for him! And your son? How is he?" 

"He's doing well also," Helen replied. "Enjoying having his Daddy home more." 

"I know he helps lift Dr. Goodwin's spirits. The second you mention that boy to him he lights up," the man replied. "I won't keep you, but please pass on our regards to him."

"I absolutely will," Helen said.

Lauren walked beside her as they made their way to her office, remaining quiet the whole way, and Helen knew her friend knew she didn't want to discuss anything while walking the halls of the hospital. Lauren knew, though, she always knew when something was wrong, and Helen didn't have it in her to hide any longer. She unlocked the door, allowing Lauren to go in before her, shutting and locking it again once they were inside. "That serious, huh? You know Max isn't here, right? The rest of us know how to knock on a door!" 

"I'm sorry," Helen said, making her way to the desk and taking a seat. She looked at the new pictures of Meyer she had placed in frames on the desk that morning, and she felt tears welling up before she said a single word. This wasn't her. She wasn't used to being unable to tuck it all away somewhere and avoid it at all costs. It was the first time in a long time she hadn't run from her emotions, and she wasn't sure she knew how to handle that. For so long, she thought running had been the hard road, but she had no idea. No idea at all. 

"Helen," Lauren said, taking a seat across from her.

"I don't even know where to start," she finally said. 

Lauren gave her a look that told her it didn't matter where she started, she would always be there to listen. "Start where you need to start." 

"He's not doing well," she replied. "He's not doing well, he's angry, and I don't know how to deal with that, Lauren. He's hurting, I know he is, but he won't admit that and let me in. He hides behind anger, and I don't know who I'm supposed to be for him right now. Some of the things he says, I would normally never let him get away with. I'd argue back, but I can't. I can't argue with him knowing I could...." She trailed off, unable to say what they both knew. She couldn't argue with him knowing their time together might soon run out. She couldn't argue with him knowing she could very well lose him. 

"You do know who you're supposed to be, Helen," Lauren said. "You know exactly who you're supposed to be." 

Knowing and being able to do it were two very different things, and Helen didn't know if she had it in her. She didn't know if she had the strength to hear his deepest fears finally verbalized. The strength to watch a man who had always been so optimistic and full of hope finally admit he was afraid. Max was the guy who believed everything would be ok when no one else did. Max was the guy who was just idealistic enough that it made those around him believe even if the idea was completely crazy. She knew he had fears, he had told her as much, but she had never watched them come out in the way they needed to. No matter if he admitted they were there or not, he had never allowed them to spill out in front of her. She didn't know if he ever would but knowing they were there and that he desperately needed support he obviously wasn't feeling from her broke her heart in a way she couldn't describe. 

"This morning, I was getting ready to take Meyer to his parents' house," she continued. "It's just better to have him there. He's so busy, you know that, and Max just doesn't have the energy to keep up with him right now." Talking about it only made her worry that much worse. She could see Meyer pulling up on something and falling before Max could get to him. She could see a busted lip or bump on his head. She could see the guilt Max would feel only adding to the feelings he was already dealing with. "He wouldn't hear of it. He was completely offended that I even suggested it and refused to see anyone's side but his own. So, I left Meyer with him, and I have been a nervous wreck ever since worried that something will happen while I'm not there." 

"I can see why you're worried," Lauren replied. "It is too much on him right now, keeping up with a very active baby. I can also see how everything has been taken from him, and Meyer is the one thing he has left. Being a dad to Meyer and a partner to you is literally all he has left right now." 

"And I know that," Helen said, wiping her tears. "I know that, and I feel as if he blames me for the shape he's in. At his worst, he always mentions how he should have looked at other treatment options. He shouldn't have agreed to chemo and radiation so quickly, and maybe he's right, maybe I'm too selfish to admit there are other options out there, but I can't lose him, Lauren. I can't give up on treatments I know work, while he gambles on something that very well may not." 

Lauren stood from her place across from Helen, walking around to stand next to where she sat. She grabbed a tissue, handing it to Helen, "He doesn't blame you." 

"He's not completely wrong," Helen said, drying her eyes. 

"Listen to me," she said, waiting until Helen looked at her. "He does not blame you. He is pissed off at the world right now, but he doesn't blame you. You're the only safe space he has, so yeah, you get the brunt of it, and it sucks, but he doesn't blame you. He is a smart man, Helen, a brilliant man, actually. He knows as well as you do that the treatment plan Virginia came up with is the best option. He trusts her completely, and he believes in you more than anyone, so the fact you two agreed on this....he knows it's the best thing." 

Helen knew everything Lauren said was true. In the deepest places of her heart, she knew that Max could never truly be angry at her, and she knew he was hurting, but she had no idea how to fix it. She had no idea how to promise him everything would be ok when she didn't even know that herself. "He's so scared of not seeing Meyer grow up. That's the one thing he will let out every now and again, the one thing he can't seem to keep buried, and I have no idea what to say to him. I have no idea how to be the support he needs when he admits that because I'm instantly falling apart myself." 

"You do know," Lauren said. "And when the time comes, when he's ready to let it out, you'll know exactly what he needs. He doesn't need reassurance, he knows there is none to give. He doesn't need promises, he knows there isn't a single one you can make. All he needs is you, believe me. That's it. And you know that." She looked beside her, seeing the new picture of Meyer, and lifted the frame to get a closer look. "And this little guy...." 

Helen smiled, "Is Max Goodwin made over." 

Lauren laughed, "We've been telling you this! From almost day one, we've been telling you this." 

"Max's dad recently started converting old home videos so we could watch them," Helen said, smiling at the memory of seeing Max as an infant and small child. "And it's unbelievable to see Max around the same age and how many of his mannerisms Meyer has. The same curiosity, the same energy, the same selective hearing," she laughed. "They even sleep the same way." 

Lauren smiled, "And his sister? Have you seen any of her? They were twins, right?"

"Yeah," Helen replied. "I mean, obviously, they were fraternal, but they did favor one another. She seemed much quieter, not as outgoing, but I guess she probably had to be living with him." 

Lauren laughed. "What was her name?" 

"Luna," Helen replied. "Right or wrong, their whole world seemed to end when they lost her, and I just don't think they'll survive if Max doesn't. I'm not sure that I could." There were things about Max's childhood she would never understand, but his parents being unable to overcome their grief after losing their daughter was something she could easily believe. She couldn't imagine having to find the strength to carry on after such a loss, but her heart still broke for the little boy she knew they'd left behind. Her heart broke for the help they didn't get so they could be there for Max. "It's taken me a while, you know this, but they love Max. Meyer has made it better, but they do love their son, and it's hard to watch them go through this also." 

"Nothing can happen to Max," Lauren smiled, placing the picture back on the desk. "Because these mother-in-law stories of yours keep me going, so I'm going to need those for years to come." 

Helen laughed aloud, "Please. I don't know that she'll ever be an actual mother-in-law, but I have embraced the fact we'll be co-existing from here on. I couldn't stand her for the longest time, but I could never take Meyer from them, so don't tell me people can't change." 

Lauren grinned. "She'll be your mother-in-law one day, Helen, face it. You both love the same guy and would do anything for him, and that sounds way weirder aloud than it did in my head, but you know what I mean." Helen knew exactly what she meant, and the love they shared for Max is what had finally made them put their differences aside, she was certain. "I would ask if you wanted to go out with us after work, but I know you can't." 

"No," Helen said. "It's going to be hard enough staying here all day. Thank you, though. Who is us?" 

Lauren rolled her eyes, "Nothing like _that_. There is absolutely nothing exciting going on in my life right now." 

"Somehow, I doubt that," Helen smiled. 

They were interrupted by the sound of Lauren's pager summoning her back to the ED, and away from their conversation. She looked down at it, "Ugh, duty calls. Trauma coming in!" 

"You need any help?" Trauma wasn't anything she liked to deal with, but Max often helped in the ED, so she felt obligated to offer. 

"I think we'll be fine," Lauren replied. "I'll page you if not! I'll call you later!" 

Helen was left in the silence of her office, her thoughts the only company, and at times they were the last thing she wanted around. Cancer had been such a large part of her life. Searching for a cure, raising money for research, and taking the best care possible of her patients while the fight continued was her entire life. Throwing herself into work, no matter how depressing it could be at times, was her safety net, only having someone she so desperately loved fall victim to the very thing she hid behind for so long had ripped a gaping hole in it. Part of her wondered if she'd ever be able to go back to Oncology now that she understood exactly what those patients and family members were feeling when they looked at her in disbelief, praying with everything in them that they'd heard her wrong. The words coming from her mouth were unfair, nonsensical, and she didn't know if she'd ever be able to be the one to turn those lives upside down again. 

Rather than dwell on everything she couldn't change, she threw herself into paperwork, and the day managed to fly by. As she made her way through the atrium to leave for the evening, she saw Max everywhere she looked. She had been there much longer than him, but to her, this place had become him. For so long, she saw Mohammad within these walls. She saw him rounding on patients, standing in the doorway of her office as he told her about something that happened during the workday and eating in the cafeteria with Iggy because they were the only two brave enough to do so. Slowly, those memories that haunted her for so long left, and been replaced by Max zipping around the hospital as if he was always running to an emergency. They'd been replaced by him barging in her office without knocking. It had all been unexpectedly replaced by a man who had stolen every single piece of her heart. Things she never thought she would heal from had been replaced with happiness, and it was all because of the crazy, wonderfully frustrating, unbelievably stubborn fool she was helplessly in love with. 

Helen entered the apartment expecting to find chaos from the day but was instead greeted by Max's mother, who was in the kitchen cleaning up. If it hadn't been for the smiling baby boy crawling as fast as he could in her direction, Helen knew she would have probably panicked. Every awful scenario would have run through her mind at lightning speed but seeing their baby boy so happy to see her calmed her completely. She reached down, picking Meyer up, and kissed his face. "I missed you so much today," she said. "Where is your Daddy?"

"Da..da," Meyer repeated. 

"Yes," Helen smiled. "Where's Daddy?"

"He called me a little before lunch," his mom said quietly, obviously not wanting him to overhear what she was saying. "Nothing happened. They're both fine, I think he just realized it was going to be too much on him. He's been in the bedroom for the past couple hours and was asleep when I looked in a bit ago." 

Helen nodded, kissing Meyer on the head as she held him to her. "I tried to get him to let me bring Meyer to you guys so he could rest today, and he wouldn't hear of it."

"I know, dear," she said. "And I'll do whatever works best for all of you. I can come here to help with Meyer, or he can come to us, I'll just let you tell me what you need." Helen knew the woman standing in front of her felt just as helpless watching her only child suffer. "But you," she smiled, reaching out to take the baby's little hand in her own. "Tell your Mommy you were perfect today! You ate, played, and took a good nap! It was snuggled up with his Daddy, who also took a nap, so it wasn't in his crib, but....." 

Helen laughed, "We're thankful for his naps any way we get them!" 

His mom looked at her, and she could tell there was more she wanted to say. They were both still trying to figure one another out, but Helen didn't have it in her to be defensive anymore. She didn't have it in her to build walls where the woman in front of her was concerned. Everything she had was going to Max and Meyer. "Helen, I..." his mom started. "I know he's been difficult. He knows he has. I know none of this has been easy on you and that you've got more on your plate right now than anyone should have. He just....he loves you so much, Helen. The two of you are everything to him, I can so easily see that, and I just....I know this isn't easy for you, so I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you." 

"There's nothing to thank me for," she replied honestly. As hard as it was, good or bad, every second she had him was better than not having him at all, even if it saved her heart. She didn't regret a single moment they'd shared. "There's just," she stopped, knowing she could never continue without completely losing the battle she'd been fighting all day. If given every excruciating detail of what they would face, she would still choose him without question. It was that simple. 

"Da..da," Meyer repeated, smiling at Helen.

"Yeah," Helen said. "I need to go check on Daddy, so why don't you hang out with Gram for a few minutes?" She handed the baby over, relieved when he didn't put up a fuss. "Is that ok? If you need to get going....."

"I've nowhere to be," she replied. "You go check on him." 

Helen slowly made her way to their bedroom, quietly opening the door, not really knowing what she hoped to find in the few seconds it took her to enter the room. These days, she never really knew what to hope for when it came to Max. She saw him sitting on his side of the bed, his back to her, as she entered the room. "Hey," she said, expecting him to at least acknowledge she was there. Seconds passed as he continued sitting as he'd been when she first entered the room, almost as if he never heard her say a word. "Max," she tried again. 

He quickly looked over his shoulder, silently acknowledging her presence, and she could see from across the room that he'd been crying. It wasn't the first time she'd seen the man in front of her brought to tears, but it was a vulnerability he didn't show often. The past few days had been horrible, but not once had his resolve given way, at least not in front of her. Helen quietly walked across their bedroom, coming to stand near him, "Max, what is it? What's wrong?" 

"It's nothing," he said, wiping his eyes and doing his best to get control of himself, the emotions on display clearly nothing he wanted her to see. 

"Max," she tried again, refusing to accept that as his answer.

He sighed, looking up at her with red eyes, and her heart broke at the sight of his obvious pain. "Helen, it's nothing. I'm fine. Please, just..." 

Any other day, she probably would have accepted his answer and backed off. She would have respected he didn't want to share whatever it was that had upset him and walked away, leaving him to get himself together before they continued their evening as if it had never happened. Any other day she would have known this was _the_ moment and to save the few whole pieces of her heart she had left. "Max, it's...."

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK IT IS?!" He shouted, his resolve starting to crumble again. "HUH?! WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS, HELEN?!" 

She closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around him as he pulled her on to his lap and held her tighter than he'd ever held her before as he lost every ounce of control he'd been fighting so hard to maintain. There were so many things she knew he needed to hear, so many things she needed to say, but at that moment, all she could do was hold him. She had no idea what had triggered this, no idea if he knew something she didn't, but none of it mattered. The only thing that mattered was making sure he knew she was there and would always be there. No matter what loving him looked like, be it utter devastation in a matter of months or more happiness than she could ever imagine over the course of decades, she would always be there. 

"I'm sorry," he said, pulling back to look at her, "I didn't mean to...."

She wrapped her arms around him once again, hugging him tightly, "No," she said. "I'm here, ok? I love you, and I'm here. Always." 

Helen had no idea how much time passed as they sat wrapped in one another's arms. No matter what chaos was going on around them, no matter the heart-wrenching uncertainty, the comfort she found in his arms was all she would ever need. "I need you to promise me something," he said, looking at her. "If I don't," he paused, unable to say what they both knew. "Promise me you'll make sure Meyer knows I tried. Promise me you'll make sure he knows I didn't want to leave him. That I would have lived this way for the rest of my life if I could stay with him." 

"Max," she said, unable to stop the tears now streaming down her face. She had no idea where this was coming from, she wasn't sure she wanted to know, but it was the last thing he needed to worry about. 

"No," he said. "I need you to swear to me, Helen. I need you to swear you'll always make sure he knows." 

"Max," she said, cupping his face in her hands. "I have no idea where this is coming from, and you're scaring me, but I promise you." 

He wiped his eyes, taking a shaky breath before he continued, "I know this may not go my way. I know that. And I know he won't remember me, he'll only know me through the things you tell him, and I just need him to know that I didn't want to leave him. I would have done anything to stay. I want him to know I fought as hard as I could for him. That my life didn't begin until I saw him that day on the ultrasound screen in the doctor's office and that he is the thing I am most proud of. I don't care about my career or accomplishments or a single life I may have saved along the way. The only thing that matters to me is that I got to be his Dad." 

Helen placed a kiss on his lips, resting her forehead against his as she got lost in his eyes. "You're going to tell him all of that yourself," she said quietly. "And he's going to be a grown man and think you're completely ridiculous," she smiled as he softly laughed at the idea. "But if for some reason you can't," she said, her voice breaking as she continued. "If for some reason, I have to do it for you, I promise he will always know how wanted and loved he was by his Daddy. He will know who you are because I will make sure he knows, ok? I promise you, Max. I promise." 

Listening to him beg her to tell their son how much he was loved was a level of heartbreak she didn't know was possible. The fear in his eyes as he thought about Meyer not knowing how much he mattered, how much he was loved, and how much he was wanted, was more than she could take. He placed a kiss on her forehead as she rested her head on his shoulder, the dam finally breaking as sobs wracked her body and she clung to him as if he was going to vanish into thin air if she let go. As painful as it was, she knew they had finally made the connection they'd both been desperately searching for since the nightmare began. A connection she simply couldn't lose. A connection she would never be able to live without. 


	15. Chapter 15

Max blinked open his eyes, the harsh fluorescent lighting in the room almost blinding, as he felt the automatic blood pressure cuff inflating on his arm. He had no idea how long he'd been there, falling asleep without meaning to, but he could only hope he was closer to the end than the beginning. He turned his head to the right, seeing his Dad in the reclining chair next to him buried in a book, completely unaware he was now awake. When Helen first suggested his Dad accompany him whenever he had to go in for an infusion, he had fought it, but now he was thankful to have him there. They'd given him a private room the week before, and having company was a nice change. Max understood the benefits of hanging out with other cancer patients, but he was beyond the social stage of treatment. It was all he could do to gather the energy to get dressed and make it to the hospital.

His final treatment had been postponed, his lab work not in an acceptable range to proceed, and though he'd been discouraged the delay would push it closer to Meyer's birthday, he could now see the blessing in it. Max wasn't sure he would have survived going into the last treatment in the shape he was in when the week started. Since then, he'd been put on total parental nutrition at night and had come into the infusion clinic for IV fluids, steroids, and blood products. He could finally keep liquids down. He could remember Virginia telling him, in the beginning, it would seem hopeless before it got better, and he now understood exactly what she meant. A week ago, he thought he wasn't going to make it, and he still had those moments, but the energy he'd been able to collect at least gave him the strength to continue his fight.

As bad as he was suffering physically, it was nothing compared to the emotional toll this journey had taken on him, and he knew the only way he'd made it this far was because of Helen. If he lived to be 100, he would never be able to make her understand that she had been a literal lifeline throughout this nightmare. Without her, he feared he would have either given up in the beginning or lost a brutal fight already at the end. He had no idea how he ever thought he could keep her at a distance when going through this. He wanted to protect her, keep her from suffering through this with him, but their lives were so intertwined that it had never really been an option. He truly didn't know where he ended, and she began. He never wanted to know. 

A quick knock at the door interrupted his thoughts, and he looked up to see Helen enter the room. The dress she was wearing hugging her body in all the right places, and Max knew the medicine had to be working. Just days ago, he couldn't round up the energy to even notice what she was wearing, much less have a reaction. "Hey," she smiled. "You're awake!"

His Dad looked over, "I didn't even notice! How long have you been awake?!"

Max looked at him, "Not long." Helen made her way over, leaning down to softly kiss his lips before taking a seat on the arm of his chair. It sounded ridiculous, he'd only been away from her for a few hours, but he missed her. Lately, he only felt real contentment when he was around her and Meyer. The hours he spent in the infusion clinic while she was busy running the hospital seemed to drag, yet they flew once home. There would never be enough time with them. "How's your day going?" 

She smiled down at him, taking his hand in hers as he rested his arm across her lap, "I continue to be amazed that you've managed to keep your sanity while doing this job."

"That's a matter of opinion," his Dad laughed. 

Max glared at his Father, smiling up at Helen, "I'm sorry. You know some days I would just go to my office and shut the door." Most of the time, he did his best to stay moving and seen, always willing to offer his help to anyone who needed it. When he'd taken the job, it was with the idea that he would be different. He wouldn't just be another suit who had long forgotten how to practice medicine. He would do what he could for as long as he could, hoping to make a difference in the process. That desire didn't stop bad days from happening, it didn't stop defeat, and it certainly didn't stop him from having moments where he questioned just exactly why he thought New Amsterdam was a good idea.

"Oh, it's not that bad," she said, keeping his hand in hers, though he knew she'd never admit it even if it was. "You're not under five blankets anymore," she observed, changing the subject. "We're moving in the right direction!" He knew he was probably the only person walking around New York City in a jacket during the hottest part of the summer, but for weeks he just couldn't seem to stay warm. Virginia had warned him it was a side effect of the chemo, and he knew low blood counts only added to the problem, but he still felt terrible knowing Helen and Meyer survived at home by wearing as few clothes as possible whenever they could.

"You can actually put some clothes on Meyer now," he smiled, looking up at Helen. "He crawls around so much and so fast," he told his Dad. "He's constantly almost wiggling out of his diaper. He has a couple times!" The baby boy kept him laughing, even on his worst days, and seeing their naked baby crawling through the house after he'd managed to get his diaper off while they weren't looking had been the highlight of his week. 

"He's a Goodwin," his Dad smiled. "Not exactly known for much in the back to help hold pants and diapers up!"

Helen laughed. "I wasn't going to say anything."

"What?!" Max smiled. "We do have....."

"Max," she said, getting control of herself. "Babe. He's a Goodwin. Trust me. He's a Goodwin." 

His Dad continued laughing from the seat next to him, "Accept it, son. Just accept it. Few more years, and you'll need a belt with most everything!" 

Max squeezed her hand, seeing her smile and hearing her laugh did more than anything hanging on the IV pole next to him could. As hard as everything had been on him, he knew she had suffered more. The hardest thing he had ever done in his life was watch her in pain as she fought to bring Meyer into the world. He would have given anything, literally anything, to take it from her, yet he couldn't. He could remember being unable to focus on the end result during the worst of it. All he could truly focus on, no matter what encouraging words he tried to tell her, was the pain she was enduring, while he knew she focused on what they would have when it was all over. A healthy baby boy. Max knew it had to be similar for her now. All she could see was the suffering his treatment was causing, the things it had taken away, and he knew she would do anything to take his place if she could. As hard as his treatment had been, he could see the end result. He could see that everything he was going through would be worth it if, in the end, he got to stay with his family.

Helen pulled her phone from her pocket, smiling as she checked her messages, "Your Mum sent a video of Meyer." She quickly hit play, holding it so they could all see, and if there was any part of him that felt bad before, seeing the video cured it. He laughed as he watched their little one standing next to the coffee table, holding on as he bounced up and down on his chubby legs to the beat of the music on their TV. Helen hit play again, the three of them laughing as they watched the baby boy on the screen a second time. "See, he's totally a Goodwin!"

"Now that I really can't argue," Max smiled. "Definitely doesn't get his dance moves from you." 

"On second thought," she said, playing the video again. "He found the beat, so he may dance a bit better than you, actually...." 

Max laughed as his Dad took the phone from Helen, watching the video a fourth time, the look on his face not going unnoticed by Max. Meyer had turned his parents' lives upside down in the best way, giving them a reason to smile again, and he would always be grateful he had some small part in that. "He's gonna walk soon," his Dad smiled. "And when he does...."

Max laughed, "He already has enough energy for all of us combined. I can't imagine when he's able to walk!" The baby boy was everywhere, nonstop from the time he woke until he fell asleep. He understood why Helen cherished those moments where he was content to rest in her arms, they were so few and far between these days. "He'll take steps if we hold his hands, but he hasn't gotten brave enough to try it on his own yet." 

"He will," his Dad said, handing the phone back to Helen. "And when he does, the two of you better look out! You only think he's into things now!" 

Helen placed the phone back in her pocket as she stood, smiling at them as she made her way to the door. "Ok, well, I'm going to go before you two have me in tears talking about my baby growing up. When you're finished here, go home," she said, giving him a look that told him she knew him better than he even knew himself. She knew if he got the smallest bit of energy, he would want to take advantage of it. "Do not let him talk you into stopping anywhere along the way. You take him home and make him rest."

"That's exactly where we're going," his Dad replied. "You don't need to worry about him falling out somewhere he's not supposed to be. Not on my watch!" Max knew that was true. It didn't matter that he'd been to medical school and had practiced medicine for years, when it came to his own health, his parents behaved as if he didn't have a clue what he was talking about. They only listened to Helen, so there was no use in trying to get his Dad to do anything different.

"Good," Helen said. "Page me if you need me!" 

He sat quietly after she left, knowing his whole mood had lifted just being able to see her for those few short minutes. There had never been a single moment since he'd known her that he was unsure of what she meant to him. There had been plenty of moments where he was convinced she would never allow them to go where they both desperately wanted, but he had never ever doubted what he felt for her. He had fallen so hard and so fast that it terrified him at times, but he had always known. He had always been so certain. "Speaking of falling out," Max said, reaching next to him to retrieve his jacket. "If I happen to do so," he said, pulling the dark blue box from the pocket. "Please make sure you get this out before calling her." 

His Dad looked over, first down at the box and then back up at him, a smile forming on his face. "Is that what I think it is?"

"It better be what you think it is," Max replied, passing the box to him.

His Dad opened the lid, shock immediately appearing on his face the moment he saw its contents, "Jesus Christ, Max! How much did you pay for this thing?!"

"It doesn't matter how much I paid for it," Max replied. The moment they agreed to give _them_ a chance, he started looking for the perfect ring. He didn't have to wait and see if they'd work out, he knew she was it, he'd always known. No matter what happened, no matter what the outcome was, he wanted her to know she was forever. To him, there would never be another soul out there for his. "Can't take it with me!"

His Dad took his reading glasses back out of his shirt pocket, putting them on as he got a closer look at the smallest details, "Well yeah, but you might need it while you're here!"

"She's worth more than every penny I spent on that thing, trust me," Max assured him. He wasn't a stranger to buying an engagement ring, purchasing one for Georgia years ago. Being a resident doctor at the time, with mountains of student loan debt, meant he had significantly less to work with, but that wasn't even the main difference. It should have been, the sentiment staying the same, but it wasn't. The very thought of buying something like that for Helen made him more nervous than anything had in a long time. She deserved everything, and she was uniquely everything, so the pressure he put on himself to get it right was enormous. He knew she would love anything he picked out, but it had to be right. It had to be worthy of her. 

"I believe that," his Dad said, still looking the ring over as if he'd never seen such a thing before. "Harry Winston. Is this that place on 5th? I didn't even know they allowed regular people in there!"

Max laughed, "Like anywhere, if you have the money to spend, they have the time." 

"Jesus," his Dad said again, closing the box and giving it back to him. "Why the hell do you have it with you?! If you lost that...."

"I couldn't leave it at home," Max told him. "I haven't had it long. I'll figure out where I'm going to keep it when I'm not home until...." 

"How about her finger!?" His Dad said in a no-nonsense tone. "That'd be a good place for it, Max." 

"I haven't figured out how I'm going to ask her yet," Max replied. It was more he hadn't found the perfect time. The past weeks of their life had been spent with him barely making it from day to day, and her exhausted from everything she had taken on. He didn't want to be over the top, though it was completely something he would do, because it wasn't her. He wanted it to be perfect for her. He believed he'd know the perfect time when it happened. 

"You just ask her!" Everything was simple to the man sitting next to him. He didn't see sense in complicating anything with too much thought or planning or worrying. They were alike in a lot of ways, but different in so many others. Clearly, romance wasn't his father's strong suit. "What, you think she's gonna turn you down?!" 

Max gave him a look. "No," he said. "I just want it to be the right time. That's all. I'll figure it out! In the meantime, as I said, if I happen to fall out...."

"Get the rock out of your pocket," his Dad smiled. "I got it. Were you this crazy the first time around? With Georgia? Because I don't remember you being this crazy the first time around."

His father had no trouble bringing up topics most would find distasteful given the current situation. He had always been that way. He was a straight shooter, so Max really wasn't surprised the conversation had taken this turn. "No," Max answered, honestly. "She was actually the one who brought up the topic of marriage, so she knew it was coming. I knew what I was looking for when I went shopping for a ring because she'd given me specifications. She had half the wedding planned before I ever asked. Does any of this really surprise you?" 

"No," his Dad laughed. "Not in the least. I think she had a lot of plans she made without including you." 

It was the first time either of his parents had placed some of the blame on Georgia for the demise of their marriage. Until then, Max assumed they still put most of it on him, not that he cared, and they had all decided to put it behind them and move forward. "I saw it coming," Max confessed. "I guess I didn't care enough to get into it when I started to realize it, and looking back, that should have been my first sign. I really didn't care. I thought I did. It was easier to ignore it than fight about it." He'd felt betrayed, and he'd felt hurt, but he had come to realize, it was never about losing Georgia. It was about thinking someone wanted the same things he did, and then backing out on their plans. It was about knowing he'd never be able to trust her again.

"I admit I was shocked when we found out about Helen," his Dad confessed. "And that's why our reaction wasn't the best. It was never that we didn't want you to be happy, it was just that we never saw it coming, and we certainly never thought we'd be grandparents!" 

"I never saw her coming," Max replied. "Meyer wasn't an accident, though. He may have been a surprise, it's not like we were trying to have him, but you can't really claim to be blindsided when you did nothing to prevent it. And I've never once looked at him and thought maybe I could have made things work with Georgia. I think Mom had trouble understanding that. It was never about having a baby or not having a baby. I had him with Helen, and that was the difference." 

"I realized that the first time we met her," his Dad confessed. "I may not be the most observant person, but I could see you were different with Helen immediately. Think I was the last one to realize you two weren't in a relationship at the end of the evening. I just assumed...."

If Max were being honest, and staring death in the face had made that a lot easier for him, he still had times when he thought about the life Helen had before him. Her story wasn't the same as his. She had been completely happy with someone, planned a whole life with him, and would probably be married to the guy right now with children had life not dealt her the cards it did. He knew he had gotten it all wrong with Georgia, but he knew Helen probably didn't feel that way about her past. The reflecting he had done lately brought that to the forefront of his mind more than he wanted to admit. "She was engaged before we met, actually," Max told his Dad. "Her fiancé died suddenly. Brain aneurysm. She never really talks about it, but this won't be the first time some poor guy has tried to spend the rest of his life with her." 

He could tell by the look on his Father's face that he was shocked to hear that. It wasn't something he had ever told his parents, Helen's past not really being any of their business, but for some reason, he was spilling it all now. "Really?" His Dad asked. "I had no idea!" 

"Yeah," Max nodded. "I know I got it wrong before with Georgia. I should have never married her, and I think part of me knew that before I ever did. Helen's story is different though, and had that not happened, she'd probably be happily married to the guy now, and Meyer wouldn't exist." 

"Doesn't work like that, Max," his Dad said. "The things that happened, mistakes or not, wouldn't have happened unless they were supposed to. You two were meant to find one another and have Meyer. I think you're looking at it wrong. I don't think she settled for you because she lost her fiancé. You ever considered that maybe you realized your mistake so you could be the one to heal those wounds she was carrying around and give her a son? Two sides to everything."

Max had never really thought of it that way. The moments were rare now, he never doubted Helen's love for him, but he did find himself wishing everything that happened to her had never happened. Knowing she had experienced such pain, and very well could again, killed him. Finding her had completely changed his life, given him reasons he didn't even know he'd been looking for, but he had never once considered them finding one another wasn't about him at all. She changed his life, made him a better man, but he'd never considered the things he'd done for hers. "Never really thought about it that way."

"I can tell," his Dad replied. "It's a shame what happened to her fiancé, Max, but she was never supposed to end up with him. Road to figuring that out can be harsh, but that was never her ending. That would be you. So quit wasting time and just ask her." 

If nothing else, Max was thankful the cancer had made him slow down. It had made him open up to those he loved most in a way he never had before. Growing up, he couldn't remember very many talks with his Father. He could remember lectures, things he didn't want to listen to, things that frustrated him, but he never just sat and talked to his Dad. For so long, he saw his Father in a very one dimensional way, and it took becoming a father himself to make him see there was a man with an entire life sitting next to him. A man who had hopes and dreams, a man who had been dealt some incredibly harsh blows in life but had picked himself up, a man who loved his family fiercely - a man who had genuinely become a friend. 

He looked up as he heard a knock at the door, seeing his favorite nurse enter the room. "Sharon," he smiled. "Here to cut me loose?" 

"Not quite," she smiled, and it was then he noticed another small bag of medication in her hand. "Your Magnesium was a little low, so Dr. Stauton wants you to get a bolus before you go. And there is no need to try and bargain with her, so don't even reach for your phone! Dr. Sharpe has reviewed your labs and called to make sure Dr. Stauton was aware and had ordered this. I told her she had, and I was waiting on pharmacy to send the medicine up, so the one who is really in charge knows...."

"So, you're saying there's no chance you'd help me make my getaway now, huh?" Max smiled.

"You know better than that," she grinned, hanging the new bag of medicine before connecting it to his port. "When she left from visiting you earlier, I asked if she had any pictures of that baby boy I could see today, and she showed me his latest video," she laughed. "I told her I don't see how either of you get a thing done at home because all I would do was play with him! He is the cutest little guy!"

Max smiled, "No arguments from me, though I guess I may be a little biased." 

"You're not," she laughed. "He is adorable, Dr. Goodwin. And he'll be a year old soon, right?" 

"August 17th," Max replied. It was hard to believe that in just a matter of weeks they'd have a one year old. It was surreal to think just how much their lives had changed in the span of 365 days. A year ago, they were awaiting the birth of their son, determined to co-parent the best way they could, and he had no hopes for a future with Helen. The best he could hope for was remaining one of her closest friends while raising their son together. Now he was sitting in the infusion room undergoing treatment for cancer and wondering just how he was going to propose to her. Life came at them so very fast. 

"I remember the day he was born," Sharon said, programming the IV pump so the infusion could begin. "We actually thought he was going to be born here, but she delivered at Lenox Hill, right? Where they have the private suites you can pay for? No offense Dr. Goodwin, I know our OB department is great, but that's the way to do it!"

Max had to admit the accommodations where Meyer entered the world were nicer than anything New Amsterdam would ever see. Still, he stood by his hospital and knew the care they provided was top notch. "She did," Max replied. "We actually live on East 73rd, so it's literally less than half a mile from us. It was closer, but also she really didn't want to deal with the number of spectators she knew would be here." He could remember joking with the nursing staff the day Meyer was born that the fact the medical director of New Amsterdam's baby was being born at another hospital in the city really didn't need to get out. In the end, he knew Helen had absolutely made the right decision, and her comfort was all that mattered. It had nothing to do with the faith he had in his own hospital.

"I can understand that," Sharon said. "And people mean well, I know we all did, because we love Dr. Sharpe so much, but she didn't need the added stress of an entire staff of nosey people."

It was easily the best day of his life, but it had been such a complicated time. Most everyone knew what happened between them, and that the baby she was carrying belonged to him. That had never been a secret. They also knew that whatever may have happened is what caused Helen to seek employment elsewhere and the hospital to lose one of his very best doctors. The Oncology department had been devastated, and he walked around feeling as if it were all his fault. He should have begged her to stay, but he couldn't. Her happiness was all that mattered to him, and if leaving made her happy, then he had to let her go. There were so many reasons why Meyer could have never been born at New Amsterdam, and looking back, he was thankful they only had to share it with family and close friends rather than the whole hospital. "She was so exhausted that I'm not sure she would have noticed," Max said. "But it was more comfortable for her to be somewhere without so many familiar faces."

"Those days are a blur," Sharon laughed. "It's been a lot longer for me, and I still remember the exhaustion of those first few weeks." She finished removing empty IV bags and tubing, disposing of them in the proper receptacles. "Ok, Dr. Goodwin, that will run for about 2 hours, and then I promise I'll cut you loose, that sound like a plan?" 

"Works for me," he told her. "Just don't come in here with anything else!" 

"You know I'm not the one in charge," she said, laughing as she exited the room. 

Max had never been one who did well with idle time. Even as a young boy, he was always thinking of what he could do next, even before he finished what he was working on at that moment. Going nonstop had always been a coping mechanism. If he stopped while he was a boy and took the time to think about things, he'd have to deal with the loss of his sister. He'd have to deal with knowing his parents were heartbroken, and there was nothing he could do to fix it. If he stopped while married to Georgia, he'd have to admit that they probably should have never married in the first place. He'd have to admit he'd known she wanted children long before she finally confessed that to him. If he stopped after he and Helen had called things off, he would have to admit that what he so desperately wanted would never happen. He'd have to admit that he couldn't behave as he normally would, pressing the issue until hopefully getting his way because their son was the only one who mattered. So, it was ironic to Max that the first time he'd been forced to slow down in his life, he was discovering it wasn't so bad. Being present with his family had done more for him than anything else during this nightmare; the irony being now that he learned to appreciate time, he had a real chance of running out of it. 

As promised, as soon as the infusion ended, he went straight home despite wishing he could roam the city like he used to do on his days off. He would have loved to take Meyer to the park in the middle of the day, getting to spend real time with him when he'd usually be stuck at work, but his body wouldn't allow it. It was frustrating to have the motivation but completely lack the energy. As soon as they'd gotten home, he'd taken a sleeping Meyer from his Mom and gone into the bedroom to lie down with the baby boy. Taking naps with the little one had already caused issues, he could see that by the fact his Mom had to hold Meyer as he slept, but he couldn't apologize for it. He laid in their bed, the little one snuggled up against him, and watched as Meyer slept until he'd lost the battle with exhaustion himself.

He had no idea what time it was when he finally opened his eyes, only that it was hours later, as evidenced by their dark bedroom. He could hear the muffled sounds of their TV in the living room, so he felt confident he hadn't missed out on an entire evening. He'd given up on telling Helen to wake him if he happened to be asleep when she got home. She never would. Max sat up on the side of the bed, rubbing his eyes, before making his way out of their room. He saw Helen in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner as Meyer stayed right under her feet. If the dress she was wearing earlier in the day had stirred something inside of him that had been dormant through the worst of this, the yoga pants and tank top really did. He'd never exactly been the self-deprecating type, but he had absolutely no idea how the sexiest, most beautiful, most amazing woman he had ever met gave him a second glance. He would probably never completely understand his luck when it came to her, but he would never stop showing her just how loved and appreciated she was. 

He slowly made his way into the kitchen, coming to stand behind her as he leaned down to kiss her neck, his hands resting on her hips. "Do you know what I would do to you right now if I had even one ounce of energy?" 

Helen quietly laughed, "You know, not that I didn't enjoy myself, but I kind of wish we hadn't had that week where we were going at it like...." 

"Rabbits?" Max smiled, hugging her to him. 

"Or whatever," Helen continued. "Because now we remember what we're missing out on." 

Max grinned, resting his chin on her shoulder, "I never forgot what I was missing out on with you." 

Helen turned to look at him, placing a kiss on his lips as Meyer started babbling from his place on the floor next to where they were standing. "He was a big help during my yoga time today," she smiled down at him. "Weren't you? Yeah, Mummy can't do anything without you right next to me, huh? It was so much easier when you were a tiny baby, and I could actually incorporate you into yoga. I miss those days."

Max smiled, reaching down to pick the little one up. "He's got his own moves now." He'd witnessed Helen trying to have a moment to herself with Meyer around, so he could only imagine the relaxation she'd been going for probably hadn't been found. "You have your own moves now?" The baby boy smiled back at him, resting his little head on his shoulder. "Has he eaten dinner?" 

"He did," she replied, placing a couple dishes back in the cabinet. "We would have offered you some, but....."

"I've got a date with the TPN bag later," he said. "I'd hate to cancel." Max knew she struggled when it came to going on with normal life while he couldn't. Meals were difficult for her because she felt guilty that they could eat when he couldn't. No matter how many times he told her that was the very last thing he would ever think about, still, he knew them being unable to do simple things like eating dinner together bothered her.  
  
"I got the mouthwash refill for your throat," she told him, grabbing a bag from the pharmacy off the kitchen island. "Your Mum also said to call and let her know if you wanted to go to their place tomorrow or them come here." 

Max got the bottle of mouthwash from the bag, making his way over to the sink with Meyer still in his arms. "I think we may go there tomorrow," he said. "Change of scenery." If he had it his way, he'd stay home with Meyer while she worked and not call his parents. He actually had some energy now, felt as if the two of them would be fine, but he knew she would worry if they were alone. It had taken him a moment to realize his pride didn't matter, and it was about the safety of their son, but he understood that now, and he would hang out with his parents all day if it took some of Helen's worry away. 

He got a cup, filling it with a small amount of water before adding the medication to it. He could see that Meyer was watching his every move with wide eyes, curious as to what he was doing. He took some into his mouth, rinsing it around before gargling it, and the belly laughs from the little one started almost immediately. It had taken a bit of practice, but he could successfully gargle the medication for the prescribed 30 seconds as Meyer laughed without completely cracking up himself. 

"Who knew Daddy rinsing with Benzydamine would be the best thing in the world to you," Helen laughed, watching as the baby continued laughing at every noise made. She kissed his little face, the little one squealing with happiness as Max continued to entertain him.

He spit the medication into the sink, smiling at the little boy in his arms. "May as well have fun with it, huh, Meyer?" 

Helen reached out, taking the baby boy from him, as they made their way to the living room. They'd gone through many changes since his treatments had started, one being her allowing toys to clutter the living room and letting go of thinking everything had to be perfect. He knew it was hard for her, her place always being almost spotless, but she deserved to let that go. She deserved to admit she was exhausted at the end of the day and go to bed without thinking she had to finish every chore on her list. He picked up when he could, but often times he and Meyer kept the living room looking as if a toy store had exploded in there. "I was thinking about his birthday," she said, taking a seat on the floor, placing Meyer in front of her. The little one immediately crawled to a nearby toy as Max sat down to join them. "I know you probably won't feel up to having anything big, so how about we just keep it really small? If everything works according to Virginia's schedule, that'll be a little over a week after your final treatment. You'll be over the worst of it, but still not feeling well. My parents will be in town, so we could have something for him with our parents."

Max had never considered Meyer's birthday would have to change because of everything he was going through. He knew the 1st birthday party was more for the parents, but he didn't want to be the reason Meyer wouldn't have those memories to look back on one day. "Helen, I want him to have a birthday party. It doesn't matter how I feel, it's his day, and I don't want to do anything less than we normally would." 

"I was never planning on anything crazy, Max," she said. "He's a year old. He has no idea what we'll be going on about that day anyway!" 

Max could believe that, but he didn't want her to look back and regret not celebrating the day. He didn't want there to be a lack of videos and pictures. He didn't want to bring it up, but the thought it could be the only birthday of Meyer's he would ever be present for was always in the back of his mind. "I just want him to have a birthday party, Helen. Presents, cake, decorations, people we'd normally invite, all that stuff. I understand what you're saying, he won't know what it's for, but we will, and it's just something I really want to do. I don't want to cut corners on this." 

As soon as she looked his way, Max knew he didn't need to explain any further, she understood what he was saying. "Ok," she said. "Then we'll have a birthday party. Meyer," she smiled, watching as the baby busied himself with one of his toys. "What kind of party should we have for you? You like animals, and you like cars, and your Daddy thinks you like sports," she said. "You mostly love to eat. Too bad we can't somehow make that your theme!" 

"The book about the caterpillar," Max said, suddenly remembering one of his favorite books that they often joked was somewhat biographical for their son. "The one that eats all the time." 

"Yes," Helen smiled. "I think _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_ is about as close to perfect for him as we can get." Meyer smiled, giggling as he crawled in her direction. "You like that idea?" The baby grabbed on to her leg, pulling himself up to a standing position. "Tell Daddy he doesn't get to complain about how over the top Mummy is going to go with decorations and food now that he's requested all of it! No, he doesn't!" 

The little one let go of her leg, standing by himself without holding on to anything as their conversation halted, and they watched him. Max moved closer to the baby and held his arms out. "Come on, buddy! You can do it! You can walk to me!" He watched as Helen grabbed her phone off the sofa, hitting record, and he knew they were absolutely _those_ parents. "Come on, Meyer! You can make it!"

The little one grinned, wobbling in place, wanting to move but not working up the nerve just yet. "Go to Daddy, Meyer! Walk to Daddy!"

"Da..da," he babbled, smiling at Max.

"Yeah," Helen said. "You can walk to Daddy! You can do it! You've been practicing forever! Max, if he does it, do not freak out and scare him." 

Max looked over at her, "Yeah, because I'd do that, Helen!"

"No, but I would," she said, continuing to video the baby as he stood in the short distance between them.

Max held his arms out again, "Come on, Meyer!" 

They watched as the baby finally put one little foot forward and managed to keep his balance as he completed the first step, his little arms stretched out in front of him as he worked to keep his balance. "There you go," Max smiled. "Keep going! Come to me!" The baby grinned, moving a bit faster, his steps almost a march as he made his way into Max's arms. 

"He just walked, Max," Helen said in disbelief, still recording the whole event on her phone. "That literally just happened! Our baby just walked."

He laughed, lifting the little one into the air as he squealed out, "Mommy is gonna need a minute, buddy! Yeah, she's going to need just a minute!" He brought Meyer back down, kissing his face. "We're not going to be able to stop you now! It's over!" He didn't even realize he had tears in his eyes until the baby grinned up at him, his little hand touching the side of his face, "I love you. And you won't understand this for a really long time, but thank you for letting me see that!" 

"Now who needs a moment," Helen said, standing from her place on the floor and walking over to take Meyer from him. "Daddy tries to be a tough guy when it comes to you, but it's always been pointless. You've had him in a puddle since your first day!" 

Max stood from his place on the floor, wrapping his arms around her as she held Meyer. She looked up at him as he leaned down to kiss her lips, knowing he didn't have to say a word for her to know what seeing that moment meant to him. It was something so simple, a baby taking his first steps, but to Max, it was so much more. It was everything he may never get to see. It was knowing he could miss countless milestones, so many things only being witnessed by Helen, but he got this one. He got this one, and no matter what happened, cancer could never take it from him. 


	16. Chapter 16

There were days Helen felt like the biggest imposter imaginable. Days where she did everything she could to bury the sadness, fear, and anxiety so it wouldn't ruin the brief reprieve they had gotten from treatments, harsh side effects, and crippling worry about what would come next. Days where she felt like she had to completely disconnect from all she knew so that she could be present. For years, she had sat across from patients talking to them about their specific diagnosis, treatment plans, and the resources available to help them through the difficult journey. She had sat across from family members and educated them on taking care of their loved one, the emotions they may or may not experience, and what to do if they needed help themselves. She had sat there time and time again, over the course of years, and acted as if she was an expert on the topic. To most, she was, but to herself, nothing could be further from the truth. 

Helen now knew that there was no real way to prepare anyone for the horrifying journey cancer would drag them through. There was no way to prepare someone for just how it would feel to watch the person they loved most in the world struggle to do the most basic things. No way to prepare someone for the internal battle they'd fight knowing they needed help, but not wanting to insult them by offering it prematurely. There was no way to prepare them for the misplaced anger that would be directed at them, the tears they'd cry alone after an outburst because even though they'd know it wasn't directed their way, it still hurt. There was no way to warn them there would be good days peppered in, but not to get comfortable, because horrible days would always follow. There was no way to explain how it would feel to watch their children not understand what was happening to the other parent and be unable to make them understand. And there was no way to explain how it would feel to live day to day, treatment to treatment, appointment to appointment, and scan to scan. There was no way to make them understand that for every single happy moment they got, fear and sadness would always be waiting on them. No matter what, it was always there, lurking and waiting to take its place in their hearts and minds. 

Lately, Helen found herself struggling with an all-encompassing sadness that she couldn't quite explain and that never seemed to go away. If she was given a break, it was a small one, and it was waiting for her as soon as she let her guard down. She had no reason to believe Max's treatment wasn't working, but if she were being honest, she was so, so incredibly sad. She was sad for the man who was so full of life and had been sidelined by the most unfair and unforgiving illness. She was sad for their son, who didn't understand why things were different, only that they were. She was sad for herself, knowing that when she had finally gotten it right, the possibility it could be ripped away was very real. She was just sad, and though she kept most of it to herself, it was becoming more difficult to hide. It felt selfish to hope for it, knowing Max needed good in his life far more than she needed it in hers, but she just needed one sign that things might work out. One sign that the future she wanted so badly with him just might happen. 

The hardest days seemed to come out of absolutely nowhere. It didn't have to be anything in particular, some days she just struggled more than others. Today should have been the best day. The break in treatments allowed Max to regain energy and strength, he had been able to be more present, and she had loved every second of it. She had actually felt comfortable leaving Meyer with him all day, and every time she had checked in things had been going well. It should have been the most perfect day, but no matter how hard she tried, the fear, doubt, and worry crept in and hit her harder than usual. The reality they very well may be making some of the last truly good memories together never left her. 

No matter the outcome, there would never be enough time. She would never get tired of watching Max be a father to their little boy. She would never get tired of the way his face lit up, no matter how terrible his day might be, the moment he saw Meyer. She would never get tired of hearing the subtle change in his voice when he spoke to their son, it was similar to the softness she'd come to recognize when he spoke to her, but it was unique to their baby. She would never get tired of watching a grown man take complete joy in playing with their little one, his blocks and cars as fascinating to Max now as they must've been when he was small. She would never get tired of hearing the pure happiness in Meyer's laugh when it was Max who caused it. She would never get tired of watching Max rock the baby to sleep, cradling him in his arms and singing softly to him, even if his lullabies of choice came from Bob Dylan or Van Morrison. And she would never ever get tired of hearing the countless _I love you’s_ their little one heard from his Daddy as often as possible.

She wasn't prepared to lose Max, not in the least, but she knew those feelings would take a backseat when it came to what she felt about Meyer losing his Daddy. It was more than she could bear, and the thing that made her most upset. They deserved all the time in the world together. Max deserved to teach Meyer how to ride a bicycle, how to dribble a basketball, and how to do so many other things Daddies seem to be uniquely good at. He deserved to walk Meyer to school on his first day, in just as much disbelief as her that their baby was now old enough to start a chapter of his life that didn't include them every second. He deserved to have those talks through the years that would make them both cringe and give those lectures that seemed to be a rite of passage. Max deserved to watch their son grow into an adult, achieve his own dreams, and see the man he'd raised succeed in life. Meyer deserved to have Max there for every milestone, not having to understand at such a tiny age that even though his father loved him endlessly and fought tirelessly, he couldn't stay. He didn't deserve the struggles Helen knew that absence would cause. Max and Meyer deserved to have one another for as long as possible. They deserved better than cancer. 

Helen sat at her desk, finishing up on budget requisitions and answering emails, thankful for the solace her office provided. Beyond that door, she had to present a very different version of herself than the one she carried on the inside. The person who walked up and down the halls of the hospital was someone she barely recognized at times. When she was out there, her problems didn't matter, and she somehow managed to table them so she could deal with everyone else. At times, it was a welcomed break, but on the worst days, it was like carrying the heaviest load without any help at all. Today had been one of those days. She smiled, she laughed, she chatted with anyone and everyone, but her heart was so heavy. 

She felt tears welling up in her eyes when she heard her phone ring, looking down and seeing her Dad calling. Noticing the time, it was later than he usually called, and if she had an ounce left to give, she would have probably been worried something was wrong. She answered, putting him on speaker, "You're calling late!" 

"Oh, it's not too late," he replied. Helen didn't hear the distinct background noise she usually heard when her parents called, especially her Father. She could usually hear the hustle and bustle of the London streets during rush hour as he often decided to call on his way home from work, the TV loudly playing in the background of their home, or her Mother talking over him from across the room as if she had been the one to call. No matter the noise, Helen always loved hearing from them, but this afternoon all was quiet on his end. 

"It's almost 11 o'clock there, Dad," she smiled.

He laughed, "I'm trying to get on American time. We'll be there in just over a week!" Helen knew better than that. It took one sleeping pill, and her Dad was on American time. It had never taken him long to adjust. "Max sent me a couple videos of our walker today! I knew it wouldn't be long!" Her Father was as dynamic of a man as Max. She would never tell either of them, but she found that most of their trouble with one another stemmed from being so much alike. Her Barrister Father was ambitious, headstrong, and rarely backed down when he believed in something. An intimidating man to most, he had always crumbled at the sight of her, and if anyone could change his mind about one issue or another....she knew she had that ability. In so many ways, Max was the same. Less intimidating, a man of far more words, but just as ambitious and headstrong. Once he had an idea, he wasn't easily swayed, but Helen had always known she had that power over him. She could make him see reason in a way no one else could. 

She laughed, "He is everywhere. Absolutely everywhere!"

"I told you he would be," he replied, amusement in his tone. "I know it's been a long time, but it reminds me so much of when you started walking. One day you took off and couldn't be stopped." 

"That's how he is," she said. "He's still a little unsteady at times, but for the most part, he gets where he wants to go. He's very determined." She had seen so many little ones fall and start to cry when learning to walk, but not Meyer. It didn't matter how many times he fell, he got back up and kept going, the thought of sitting on the floor crying never entering his mind. 

"Comes from a long line of determined people," he laughed. "And from all I've witnessed, his Goodwin side is just as bad." 

"Worse," Helen smiled. "He really didn't stand a chance." 

There was a time in her life when these conversations would have never taken place. A time when Helen thought her parents didn't know or understand anything. She had felt that way for most of her life but was thankful she had grown up enough to realize she would always need them. It didn't matter how successful she was or how many post-nominal letters she had after her name, there would never be a time she wouldn't need their love and advice. "So," her Father said. "How are you doing?"

There it was, the real reason he was calling, and Helen took a deep breath, promising herself she wouldn't start crying at the question. There was something about her parents, especially her Father, asking that made it different from everyone else. "I'm," she paused. "I'm trying to be ok." 

Her parents had been there through every awful, heartbreaking moment of Mohammad's death and the aftermath she never believed she would survive. As a mother herself, she knew it completely shattered their hearts to see her in such agony, but they had both dropped everything in London to be there. She was certain her Mother had cried herself to sleep after holding her as she did the same, but the only thing Helen ever saw was her strength. The only thing she ever saw was her Father taking action when it came to making decisions nobody else could make, not even Mohammad's parents. They helped make final arrangements, her Father offering his best advice when it came to settling assets and closing accounts. He helped her split every dime Mohammad had left her among his nieces and nephews, knowing she could never keep it and have a prayer of moving forward with her life. It had taken a tragedy to make her realize just how badly she would always need her parents, even if the easy thing was to push them away. 

The man she always saw as unwilling to understand her side of things or change his opinion when she was younger, had been the one who took to the city and helped her find a new apartment when she was finally ready to leave the one she and Mohammad shared. With her Mother back in London, unable to drop everything to come that particular time, they had some of the best talks they'd ever had, and Helen finally saw him for the man he was. The man who had always loved his family more than anything and fought his way up the ladder to make sure she and her Mother had everything they could possibly want. So, when his question came over the phone, it wasn't that she didn't want to be honest with him, it was that no matter how strong she may be, with him, she was always that girl who needed her Dad and his advice. 

"You never have to try with me, Hels," he said sweetly, that annoying nickname he'd given her as a child becoming one of the most endearing things the older she got. "I'll ask again, how are you doing?" 

"I'm just," she said, a few tears finally escaping though she was still fighting to keep her composure. "I'm scared. Nothing new has happened, it's not that, but he's about to go through his final treatment, and if we find out it didn't work...." There was no way Max could survive more chemo, not with any quality to his life. The regimen he'd been on the past couple months had left him completely drained, unable to eat, and deprived in every other way imaginable. There was literally no way she could allow him to continue with another round. If this hadn't worked, she knew she would have to put her faith into treatments that were no better than throwing all your money on a craps table in Vegas. Radiation and chemotherapy worked, she would always believe that, but when it didn't.....that is when quality versus quantity came into play. She knew very well that she and Max would be on opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to that conversation. 

"You know Max has never been one of my favorite conversations to have with you," her Dad said. "I suppose I should say Max _wasn't_ one of my favorite conversations to have with you. I admit we're in a much better place now than we were a year ago, but I think this is something you need to hear." She had no idea what he was going to say, but if it was anything that would leave her having to defend the man she was more in love with than she had ever been with anyone in her life, she wasn't sure she had it in her to listen. Not today. "The day you told us you were pregnant was not a good day, Helen. As far as we knew, you'd not been in a relationship since Mohammad, and I'm not so old that I don't know what you young people do with one another while unattached, but..." Helen couldn't help but laugh as her Father danced around the topic of sex as if she wasn't a grown woman. "I was shocked. I was trying to be supportive, but I didn't know how to feel. The first time your Mother and I came to visit after finding out about the baby, I admit I was confused. I did not understand how my daughter, my brilliant daughter, who had never let anyone take advantage of her, managed to get pregnant by her boss. A million scenarios went through my mind, and I just couldn't understand how it happened. I can understand how that sort of thing happens, but not to my daughter. Not to you." 

Helen wanted to speak up, explain that it had never been like that, but instead, she decided to let him say whatever it was he needed to say. "I was angry, and I was confused, but I tried to keep those feelings to myself because your Mother was so excited. None of those details mattered to her. She didn't care how it happened, she was just in love with the idea of a grandchild. The first time we met Max, the night he joined us for dinner, I didn't like him. I never really expected to, but I couldn't stand him. He came into the restaurant, showing not one ounce of remorse, and sat and talked with us as if it was the most normal situation. He talked with us as if the two of you had been dating and planned the baby. He talked with us as any boyfriend who was comfortable with his girlfriend's parents would. He didn't come in ashamed of his part in it. He didn't come in acknowledging what he'd done was wrong. To me, he was an arrogant, smooth talking guy who I honestly believed had managed to take advantage of my daughter. I knew that he knew exactly who you were long before he ever met you. There was no way he couldn't have known. I believed he had used his position to get what he wanted. He was your boss, Helen." 

"Dad, it wasn't like...." There had never been a single moment where Helen had doubted Max's intentions. He had always been incredibly transparent when it came to the fact he knew who she was when he came to New Amsterdam. If her memory was as good as she believed it to be, he brought that up the first time they met. The smooth-talking guy her Father thought he met had simply never existed. When they met, he was as lost as she was, desperately trying to find his footing after a life-changing event, and taking advantage of anyone, let alone her, was the very furthest thing from his mind. If anything, Max was the kindest, most honest person she had ever known. 

"Let me finish," he said. "That night was the night I think I finally grieved Mohammad. I had never missed him as much as I did that night. I told myself we should have insisted you come home after he died, and if we had, none of this would be happening. I told myself many things over the next few months, and I hated Max. I hated the situation." Helen had known her Dad had struggled during her pregnancy, and she had known he didn't like Max, but she had no idea he'd been so hurt by it all. She had no idea he had blamed himself for any of it.

"The day Meyer was born," he continued. "We got to the hospital and were allowed to see you. I don't think I survived a full minute in the room watching you suffer through that before I had to leave. Your Mother stayed, but I couldn't. She joined me in the waiting room a bit later and said she could tell you only wanted Max and that her place was in the waiting room. I think that was the moment he won her over. I saw it as her missing out on the birth of her grandson, while she saw it in a completely different way." There was so much about that day she was still learning even though almost a year had passed. "When he was born, and we came in to see him, Max couldn't look at him without getting emotional. He couldn't look at you without doing the same. I probably watched him more than I watched you and Meyer, convinced he wasn't good enough for the two of you, but all I saw was a man completely overwhelmed by what he felt." She wiped the tears now streaming down her cheeks as she listened to her Dad recount that day. So much of it was still a blur to her and probably always would be, but she could remember the look on Max's face the moment he saw their son as if it had just happened. "I still think he's a smooth talker," her Dad laughed. "And I still think he believes he knows more than the rest of us, and maybe he does, but I haven't wondered if he loves you or my grandson since that day. He loves the two of you with everything in him." 

"He always has," she said tearfully, needing him to know it had never been wrong between them. They had made many mistakes, but what they shared had never been wrong. "It was never about him being in a position of authority..." 

"I've known that for almost a year now, Helen," her Dad confessed. "I don't always show it, I know I could have been kinder to him, but I have known that since the day Meyer was born." 

She knew her parents really had no idea just how broken she was after Mohammad's death. They knew she struggled, but they had no idea it had upended her life in a way she didn't even recognize. Meeting Max healed so much of her, the broken parts she thought could never be fixed, and the thought of losing him terrified her. At times it still felt wrong, loving him so deeply, when she had at one time promised herself to another. It felt wrong to truly believe she was always meant to find Max and admit Mohammad had only been part of that journey, but to believe otherwise would mean no Meyer, and she knew with her entire heart that Meyer was meant for them. "A part of me will always love Mohammad," she said. "But he...."

"Was never Max," her Dad finished. "I know. It's ok to admit that. You share a child with him, that makes what you two have very different, and out of anyone, Mo would be happiest to see Meyer. I'm sure he'd even like Max! He wouldn't want you to waste any more of your life on grief. He wouldn't want you to be afraid. I may not know Max as well as I should, but I did know Mohammad, and I know he would be happy." 

She wasn't the most religious person, but she believed Max had entered her life at exactly the right time. When she thought about the way her life was before him, she knew she'd simply survived. She'd managed to drag her broken heart from day to day and somewhere along the way she had confused surviving for living. It wasn't until he entered her life that she felt something inside of her wake from all of the monotonous months of grief and sadness. He had picked up the pieces of her shattered heart, mending them, and giving her more than she ever thought possible. He had given her the sweetest little boy, full of mischief and happiness, and everything wonderful she never knew she needed. Max had pulled her from the darkness she had fallen into, and the terrifying part was knowing she didn't want to pull herself back out if she lost him. She didn't want to live in a world without him. 

"I want you to listen to me," he said. "This isn't how your life together ends. I didn't just start tolerating the guy to lose him now, understand?" Helen laughed through her tears, knowing her Dad loved Max or would never include him in one of his jokes. "He's going to be around driving me mad for years to come. Behaving as if he knows everything at Christmas until I'm too old to hear him anymore. Winning your Mother over just because he helped you make her grandchildren. Being the reason I have to come to America far more than I ever wanted. Max isn't done with me, so you're going to be stuck with him for a while longer." 

Helen laughed, tears pouring, but unable to feel the sadness she felt at the beginning of their conversation. "So, it's all about you, then?" 

"Who else would it be about?" She could hear the smile in his voice, followed by a comfortable silence that lasted a few minutes. "What did I always tell you when you were younger and worrying about everything?"

"Don't borrow trouble," she answered. It was easier said than done, though her Dad had always stuck to that belief. He'd say it robbed you of the joy you currently had, and there was nothing you could do about it no matter how much you worried. 

"Focus on what you have today," he said. "Today you have Max, you have Meyer, and you have time together. Leave what might happen exactly where it might happen."

She took a deep breath, knowing everything he said was true. No matter what was to happen, there was nothing she could do about it, and all worrying did was rob them of what they had today. Without talking to her Dad, she would have probably gone home and ended up breaking down to Max regardless of how unfair doing so was to him. Much of the past couple months of his life had been hell, but he had endured it, and the last thing she wanted to do was take what joy he had away. Joy she knew he found in her and Meyer. "Thank you," she said. "I don't know how you knew I needed you to call me, but I'm glad you did." 

"We always know," he replied. "You'll see one day." 

"I love you," she told him. 

"I love you too," he replied. 

The moment she ended the call, she laughed to herself when she thought of all the times growing up, she was convinced her parents didn't know anything. That their rules were stupid and the attention they paid to her life ridiculous. She would often wish she had siblings to take some of the pressure off her. As an adult with a child of her own, Helen knew all they wanted was for her to be happy. No matter how their relationship with him started out, she knew her parents were aware Max was her happiness, and that they loved him too. She was now thankful for all of the attention they gave her growing up. She may have been annoyed, and she may have wished for something different at the time, but she knew just how fortunate she was to have parents like them. If she could be half the parent to Meyer that she had growing up, she knew he would be ok. 

Looking at the clock, she noticed it was time to finish up the few tasks she was working on and escape for the day. Having done the job for weeks, she now understood how Max could get consumed by the place. There was always something to be done or someone that needed his attention. He had managed to draw lines when Meyer entered their lives, and she found herself figuring out how to do the same. The problems in the hospital had manifested over months and years, so nobody could expect to solve them in one day. They would still be there tomorrow. 

As she made her way through the hospital, she felt the sadness at what Max would face over the next few days slowly creeping back in, and she did her best to push it away. _Don't borrow trouble._ It was easier said than done, even less so when she knew that trouble would absolutely be waiting. In less than 24 hours, he would have his last infusion, and she would watch him go through the same hell she had watched him go through five times before. She would listen to him vomit, feel him shivering next to her no matter how many layers he was underneath, see the energy literally leaving him with each passing day as the chemo made its way through his body destroying everything in its path, witness the pain in his eyes though he would never admit to her it was almost unbearable, and know just how deeply she loved him when she saw the horror unfold in front of her and honestly wish she could somehow take his place. Without question, she would take his place if it meant she didn't have to see him suffer one more second. 

By the time she made it home, she had managed to calm herself, burying all of those feelings to be dealt with another day. Tonight she was going to go in and enjoy the time they had together untouched by cancer and uncertainty. She was going to go in, knowing that sign she so desperately needed may never come, and somehow believe everything was going to be ok anyway.

The moment she entered the apartment, she could hear splashing and laughter coming from Meyer's bathroom. Toys littered every surface of the apartment, a laundry basket full of clothes sat unfolded on the kitchen table, and the sink was full of unwashed dishes. At one time, she would have cared, probably even taken care of it all before she did anything else, but Max's illness had changed so very much. She would live in a house covered in toys, unfolded laundry, and dirty dishes for the rest of their lives if it meant they were together. None of those things mattered. They never had. 

She stepped into the bathroom, seeing Max knelt down next to the tub as Meyer splashed his little hands in the water, laughing as it went everywhere. "Are you giving Daddy a bath too?" The moment Meyer spotted her, he squealed out, his little smile somehow fixing every ounce of sadness she felt before walking through the door. "Yeah, are you giving Daddy a bath too?" 

She leaned down, giving Max a kiss as he kept hold of Meyer in the water. "How was your day?"

"So much better now," she smiled, taking a seat on the edge of the tub. "How was yours?" She reached out, running her hand over Meyer's head. "Did you have fun with Daddy today?" 

Max smiled, "We had a good day! Played, ate, took a couple naps. Sorry for the mess, I'll help you clean everything up once he's in bed." 

She leaned toward him, kissing him again, and she knew he probably wondered what the extra affection was for the second she came in from work to a messy house. "I don't care about any of that," she said. "I'm just glad you two had a good day." 

"We really did," Max replied. He kept a protective hand on Meyer as the little one pulled himself up by holding on to the side of the tub. The moment he stood in the water, he began stomping his little feet, entertained by the noise it made. "We are going to have to move some stuff. Now that he's not focused on keeping his balance when he pulls himself up, he's able to grab things he's never tried to get before." 

She laughed, "Well, we saw that coming....." The baby boy grinned up at his Daddy, his tiny teeth more adorable than she ever thought teeth could be, though he was learning to use those too. It was hard to believe that in a little over a week, they would have a one year old. His life had been full of moments where she wanted time to speed up and then slow down, the past year being the most transformative she had ever lived. "A year ago right now, I was begging you to come out," she said to the baby, kissing his little face as he stood next to where she sat. "And you wouldn't!"

Max smiled, "I think we tried everything both proven and complete nonsense to coax him outta there, and he still came when he wanted to." 

The week before her due date, Helen had been miserable and willing to do literally _anything_ to put herself into labor. She was certain they had walked the length of Manhattan, eaten at every restaurant recommended to them that had spicy food, she had taken herbal supplements that may as well have been placebos, tried acupressure, and was fully prepared to listen to Max's ridiculous suggestion, blur the lines they'd drawn, and demand he have sex with her the moment he got in from work the day she'd finally started having contractions. Her unborn child proved to have better judgment than her at the time. "You know I was totally going to give in and try the one thing we hadn't the day I went into labor."

He laughed, "I told you days before then that what got him in there could also get him out, but you wouldn't hear it....."

Helen popped his shoulder, playfully rolling her eyes. "That was literally your first suggestion, Max. Your ONLY suggestion, actually." She had been so serious about compiling an entire list of things to try, asking colleagues who had been through the same thing before, and he'd simply shrugged and suggested they have sex.

"Because it works," he defended. "His birthday would have probably been a week before it was if you'd just listened to me." 

She glared at him, trying not to smile, "I was like 10 months pregnant, do you honestly think I felt like doing that?" 

"I would have done all the work," he smirked. "All you had to do was lie back and enjoy it. I bet you'll listen to me next time!"

"Next time?" She laughed. Nothing helped her more than when he spoke about their future. It let her know he still believed everything would be ok, and that somehow made her believe. It had always been that way between them. No matter how worked up she got, his presence calmed her. He often told her it was her presence that calmed him, but she had never been able to see it that way. "You're awfully confident that I'd carry another one of your stubborn babies!"

Max grinned, grabbing Meyer's towel, and lifting the little one out of the tub. "The frozen sperm across town tells me that's exactly what you're planning to do," he said, quickly kissing her as he made his way out of the bathroom. 

Helen laughed, following him into Meyer’s room, watching as Max dried him off before placing him on the ground, the little one immediately toddling all around the room. “Is it naked baby?!” Helen smiled, quickly moving to stand in front of him so he couldn’t exit the room. Meyer grinned up at her, laughing as he turned to go in the opposite direction.

“It’s naked baby,” Max said, grabbing a diaper before catching the little one as he walked by. Meyer squealed out, laughing as Max tickled his tummy before laying him on the changing table. Watching how much the man in front of her loved everything he got to do with their son, even mundane things such as baths and dressing him, melted her heart. Seeing them together, it was hard to believe he had ever doubted himself when it came to fatherhood. 

Helen walked over, leaning down to kiss the little one as she tickled one of his chubby legs, the baby’s laughter filling the room. It didn’t matter how emotional her day may have been, or how terrified she was of all that was to come, the instant she saw the smile on his little face, her world was better. “I’m going to go change clothes,” she told Max. 

Helen couldn’t help but laugh to herself as she saw the mess her guys had made of the place while she was gone, and rather than feel as if she needed to clean up, she was thankful Max felt well enough to play as much as they obviously had. The thought this would all end tomorrow for a while hit her like a ton of bricks, and she had to push it away. She couldn't think about what tomorrow and the days after would bring. Not tonight. She had promised her Dad she wouldn’t go looking for tomorrow’s trouble, and that is exactly what she intended to do.

As she passed the kitchen on the way to their bedroom, she stopped long enough to load the plates, bottles, and cups from Meyer’s breakfast and lunch into the dishwasher. Thoughts of everything she needed to get done before the next day ran through her mind, trying to arrange it so she could be with Max as much as possible, even though she knew he’d insist she didn’t need to drop everything to stay by his side. There was nowhere else she would be. 

“Go give it to Mommy,” she heard Max say as he and the baby made their way into the kitchen to join her. “Yeah, go give it to Mommy! Go give it to her!” 

Helen turned as she saw Meyer slowly making his way to her, the biggest smile on his face as he clutched something in his tiny hand. She knelt down to his level as he got closer, having no idea what he was holding, but finding the fact he followed Max’s instructions the most adorable thing. “What do you have?” She reached out, taking the object from Meyer, and suddenly realized she was holding a ring box. She stood, the shock evident on her face as she saw Max walking closer to her, and for one of the rare times in her life, she had no idea what to say. Even if she had wanted to, Helen didn’t think she could form a single word at that moment. 

Max reached out, taking the box from her, “Now that I have your attention,” he smiled, “I have a few things I need to say.” 

Helen’s mind remained blank as she stood there speechless, unable to form the first word as Meyer sat down on the floor next to where they stood, entertaining himself with a toy that had found its way into the kitchen at some point during the day. Max took her hands in his, taking a deep breath as he looked at her, the love she saw there calming every nerve she may have had seconds ago.

“When I took the job at New Amsterdam,” he began, “I thought I had finally figured out my purpose in life. I’d realized I probably wasn’t meant to be anyone’s husband, I definitely knew I wasn’t meant to be anyone’s father, and I wasn’t even a very good son. No matter how hard I tried, I came up short with everyone I cared about.” He briefly stopped, and she wanted to tell him how wrong he was. She wanted to tell him that he had never come up short with anyone a day in his life. If anyone thought that, it was their shortcomings, not his. Instead, she simply listened, doing her best to hold it together. “The one thing I knew I was good at, the one thing I excelled at, was being a doctor, taking care of those who needed help. So I took the job knowing that was my purpose. I was meant to take care of those who couldn’t take care of themselves, and my mark on this world would be helping patients and their families and those who had dedicated their lives to the very same thing I had. I had it all figured out, and then I met you.” 

Helen could feel the tears building as she took a deep breath, trying to keep herself under control as she listened to him. “And you,” he laughed, pausing, “You were nothing like I expected. You were nothing I could have ever imagined. I didn’t have to second guess myself with you. I didn’t have to pretend. For the first time in my life, I could be me, and that was ok. That was enough. I could just be,” he said, trying to keep his emotions in check. “Me. I could be me, and I fell in love with you. So easily. For the first time in my life, I knew what it felt like to love someone so much that all you care about is their happiness, even if it doesn’t match up with your own.” She had always known ending things rather than seeing where they might go had hurt him, it was something she was still learning to forgive herself for, but nothing hurt like hearing him admit it. Nothing hurt like knowing the man in front of her would have sacrificed a lifetime of happiness just because he thought it was what she wanted. 

“I had you in my life, and that is all that mattered to me. Then we found out about him,” he paused, taking a moment. “We found out about him, and I was terrified. I was terrified I couldn’t be who he needed, that I couldn’t love him the way he needed to be loved, but you knew better. Even through all of the uncertainty, and the arguments over baby furniture or names, and the times I felt like I was totally out of my depth….you knew better.” She could see the unshed tears in his eyes as he spoke about their son and had no idea how he had ever doubted himself. As far as she believed, there would never be a man who loved a little boy more than Max loved Meyer.

He wiped his eyes, smiling at her as he did his best to finish what he so desperately needed her to hear. “And then at 2:16 in the afternoon on August 17th, 85 degrees out, hardly a cloud in the sky…..the whole world made sense to me. I saw him, and the entire world suddenly made sense. Finding and loving you was my purpose, and he…..he’s my mark on this world. He’s what I’m leaving behind, and some people never find that, but I did. I found it because I found you, and I have him because I have you.” There was nothing she could do but allow her tears to finally come. They were good tears, full of love for the man in front of her and the baby boy at their feet, but fighting them was beyond her control.

“I can’t promise you tomorrow,” he said. “But I can promise you that no matter if it’s one year or five years or fifteen or twenty or if we’re those semi-retired physicians jetting to medical conferences and staying in luxury hotels, only popping in here when we want to see the grandkids…...I want every second of however long I have to be with you. So, I know I’m standing here in my pajamas, in our kitchen, with my wingman here to put the pressure on you and that I could have done better, but,” he said, finally opening the ring box and kneeling down. “Helen Sharpe, will you marry me?” 

There was nothing that could have been more perfect. No dinner at a fancy restaurant or elaborate proposal could compete with everything the man kneeling before her had just said. It was everything she had ever loved about him, everything he had given her, and everything that made him the one perfect person in the world for her. Standing in their kitchen, their little one peacefully playing with his toy, and him having no idea the sadness she’d felt in her heart that day had made this one of the most perfect memories she would ever have with him. He was her sign. He had always been her sign. “Yes,” she cried, smiling through her tears. “Of course, I’ll marry you.”

She looked down as he slipped the ring on her finger, the most gorgeous ring she had ever seen, and had no idea how he had managed to pick out something that was so perfectly her. He stood, leaning down to capture her lips with his as she wrapped her arms around his neck, the feeling of him, her fiancé, exactly what she needed at that moment. “You couldn’t have done any better,” she said sweetly, kissing his cheek as she kept her arms around him and felt his body engulfing hers. “That was perfect.” 


	17. Chapter 17

His final treatment had come and gone. He’d said goodbye to the friends made during his cancer journey, wishing them the best, but secretly praying they never had to meet again.....at least not under the same circumstances. He’d gotten to ring the ceremonial bell on the Oncology unit that marked the end of treatment for its patients, and he’d walked out of New Amsterdam hoping with everything in him he had closed this very difficult and unwanted chapter of his life. He respected the lessons it taught him, but he didn’t want to relive any part of it. He wanted to move forward with the people he loved most, his family, and never look back.

As expected, the days following his last chemotherapy treatment had been brutal. The nausea and vomiting had been overwhelming and relentless. The chills had come out of nowhere, leaving him shaking under layers of clothing and blankets. The exhaustion had robbed him of the past few days, trips to the bathroom, taking almost everything out of him and leaving him unable to spend time with Meyer the way he wanted. It was in the worst moments when he wasn’t sure he would survive, but nothing would rob him of the joy he felt at getting to see their little boy turn a year old.

Max had rested as much as possible, actually following Dr. Stauton and Helen’s wishes for once, determined to be present for every second of Meyer’s day. He didn’t want to miss anything. Not one guest, gift, balloon, laugh or smile on their son’s face. His cancer could take a backseat for one day. Today was about celebrating the greatest thing that had ever happened in his life. Today was about celebrating the one little person who, for Max, changed the entire world. 

The sound of Meyer babbling on the baby monitor pulled him from his sleep as he opened his eyes to their dark bedroom, the first hint of daylight barely visible through the window. He lifted his head, looking over Helen at the small screen, seeing their baby boy sitting up in his crib at only minutes past 5:30am. He felt Helen move in his arms and knew Meyer had managed to wake her too. “I got him,” he said quietly, placing a kiss on Helen’s shoulder before she could get out of bed. 

“Max, no, I’ll,” she argued, turning over to look his way as he sat up. 

“I’m fine,” he promised. “You sleep. You were up late last night.” Though she would never admit it, Max knew she was exhausted. Her workweek had been hectic, she had done everything at home while he recuperated, and her parents had arrived the evening before. After decorating for the party that would take place later in the day, she crawled in bed hours after him, so it was her turn to rest. He got out of bed before she could argue any further, knowing he’d won when she didn’t jump up after him. 

“If he won’t take a bottle, just bring him to me,” she said, her tone heavy with exhaustion. “Don’t fight with him. If he gets worked up, our day starts now.” 

Max quietly laughed. “I said I was fine, I never said I was fine enough to fight him this early in the morning.” He watched as she closed her eyes, and knew she had drifted off again before he ever exited the bedroom. He made his way to the kitchen, careful of the noise he made as to not disturb Helen’s parents who were sleeping in the guest room. He didn’t know if they were sure he was on the way out, or if they had decided they may as well accept him now that he and Helen were engaged, but whatever the case, her parents were friendlier than they had ever been in the time he’d known them. 

Yawning, he opened the fridge, grabbed a bottle of breastmilk, and placed it in the bottle warmer. Looking around, he was finally seeing all the decorations Helen and her Mother had stayed up late working on. In her defense, she did tell him she would be going overboard, and she had kept her word. It was hard to believe it had been a whole year since the little one had come into their lives. Especially since it was only a couple months ago that he almost didn’t make it to see this day. He’d been so foolish. 

Max grabbed the bottle from the warmer, turning the light off as he exited the kitchen, and slowly made his way through the apartment to the baby’s room. The moment he opened the door, he couldn’t help but smile at the little one standing in his crib, patiently waiting for one of them to get him, a smile spreading across his little face the moment he saw Max. “Hey, buddy,” he smiled, lifting the baby out of the crib and kissing his head, “You know what day it is?! It’s your birthday!” The baby grinned at him, having no idea what he was talking about, but being his usual happy self anyway. “Yeah, it’s your big day! Happy Birthday!” 

Max laid the baby on the changing table, quickly removing his soiled diaper as the little one kicked his legs and smiled. “You’re a whole year old, you know it?! Well, not technically until this afternoon, but close enough, huh?” The baby giggled, the little smile never leaving his face, and a few minutes with him was better than any amount of medication or rest he could have gotten.

He fastened the snaps on the baby’s pajamas, lifting him from the changing table and back into his arms as memories of a year ago flooded his mind. It was around this time in the morning when Helen had finally decided to go to the hospital after being in labor all night. He could remember the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach as he gathered their things so they could leave. Terrified at what was about to happen, and knowing the truth was about to smack him in the face. The coping mechanisms he’d used all throughout her pregnancy would soon become obsolete, and he would have to face reality. He was about to be someone’s father. Just a year ago, he was convinced fatherhood simply wasn’t going to work out for him. He would do it, but he didn’t have faith in his ability. 

“Ma..ma..ma,” Meyer babbled, patting Max on the shoulder as they exited the nursery and made their way into the living room. 

“Shhh,” Max whispered. “Mommy’s sleeping. It’s not time to play, so you’re gonna have your bottle and go back to sleep. Does that sound like a plan?” He knew reasoning with the baby was pointless, so he just hoped the warm milk and boring conversation would do the trick. He cradled Meyer in his arms as he got comfortable on the sofa and offered him the bottle of milk. “Oh,” he smiled, watching as the little one took hold of it with both tiny hands and brought it to his mouth. “You want to do it yourself? Ok!” 

Max kissed the baby on the head, “This probably won’t come as a shock to you, seeing as how you were there, but I wasn’t always very good at this.” He couldn't help but laugh at the memory of their first night home with Meyer. He’d been so scared to do anything for the baby without someone else around, and now he was offended if anyone thought he needed help. “I don’t think we would have survived that night without your Nana.” 

Meyer popped the bottle out of his mouth, smiling, “Na...na!”

“Yeah,” Max laughed. “Nana saved the day, but we can’t ever let her know we had this conversation, ok? Trust me!”

Before he saw the little one for the first time, Max had a very different idea of what fatherhood would be like. He never had any intention of leaving Helen to raise their child alone, but he was completely prepared to simply do whatever he had to do to get by. He never expected the strong connection that seemed to instantly happen the moment the baby was born. He would pay child support, meet his visitation requirements, show up to school events, and pitch in only when it was necessary. He never expected something so tiny to knock his entire world off its axis, but that’s exactly what happened. The little one he never expected to care so much about left him a nervous wreck, desperately wanting to get everything right, but having no real clue what he was doing. 

Meyer finally drifted off as he finished his bottle, and Max took it from him, placing it on the floor next to them. Putting the baby back to bed didn’t seem so important now, and he decided to enjoy the quietness of the early morning, not yet having to share the little one with anyone else. As he reflected on how far they’d come in just a year, Max knew he had grown just as much, if not more, than the baby in his arms. The things he thought were so important before becoming a father didn’t matter quite as much anymore. As soon as he understood Meyer wasn’t expecting perfection, he realized being everything the little boy needed wasn’t so hard after all. 

He felt his eyes growing heavy when Helen appeared at his side, and he could tell being alone in bed made it just as hard for her to sleep as it did him. He had gone from enjoying sleeping in solitude to missing her when she wasn’t next to him, even during the middle of the day while he was napping and she was at work. “You’re supposed to be sleeping.” 

“I guess I missed you lying all over me more than I thought,” she smiled, carefully joining him on the sofa, trying her best not to wake Meyer as she claimed her spot on his other side. She rested her head on his chest as she got comfortable, and Max could tell she was as lost in the sleeping little one as he was. “How do we have a one year old?” 

Max smiled, kissing her head, “I have no idea. It really doesn’t seem possible.” The past year had taught him more than he had learned in all his years before it. Hard lessons, but ones he wouldn’t wish away. The hardest season of his life had brought him a family, and no matter the outcome, he would always be grateful for that. He would always be grateful for knowing what it felt like to be truly happy and content with his life. 

“When are your parents going to be here?” She asked, her voice still laced with exhaustion, and Max could tell she was fighting sleep. 

“Around 9:00,” he replied. “Dad and I are taking him to the park for a bit. I invited your Dad to go with us, didn’t want to put him on the spot, but he really could have gone. We didn’t mind.” The past year had been an adjustment for everyone, including their parents, and the four adults had been trying their hardest to get along with one another for the sake of their children and grandson. 

“He knows,” Helen replied. “I think his plan was to spend the morning answering emails so he wouldn’t get behind at work. He’d also hate to miss an opportunity to be in Mum’s way.” 

Max laughed, “See, we Goodwin men know when we’re not needed.” He and his Father didn’t have to be told their help wasn’t necessary when it came to preparing for Meyer’s birthday party. They wouldn’t have gotten any of the decorations correct if left up to them, and the caterer Helen hired was taking care of the food. Keeping the guest of honor out of the way and occupied would be their task for the morning. 

“That specific type of self-awareness isn’t exactly a trait my Father possesses,” Helen said.

“Except when this one was a newborn,” Max pointed out, laughing. “He’d pop in for a visit, and then he was off to the hotel.” As exhausted as they had been during Meyer’s first few days home, Max would have allowed a perfect stranger to come over and take a shift during the night. 

Helen smiled. “Ok, _that_ was the one time in their marriage that Mum told him he couldn’t be in the way.” 

“We needed him in the way,” Max replied.

“He would’ve been one more clueless person Mum had to help through the day,” Helen laughed. “I think the two of us and a newborn were more than enough for her. We were a disaster. You remember the first night after we brought him home?!” 

Max could never forget their first night home with Meyer. He could remember thinking the hospital staff was crazy for thinking they were capable of taking care of someone as helpless as their newborn son. Surely there were safety checks in place, and surely they’d see the two of them were clueless before sending them out in the world. They hadn’t, and Max and Helen found themselves more and more terrified the later it got into the evening. Much to his relief, it had been Helen to break down to her Mom, asking her to stay the night, though he had contemplated doing it himself. “I couldn’t believe they just let us leave with him.” 

Helen laughed, “I remember I actually thought about having you go home as soon as we were out of the hospital. I thought I needed to learn how to handle nights by myself as soon as possible, so that was my brilliant plan. Notice you stayed with us for 3 weeks.” 

Max smiled, remembering every single day of those 3 weeks, and how hard it was to leave them when he’d finally returned home. He had started out doubting everything about himself when it came to their son, and over those 21 days, he had somehow started to believe that maybe he wouldn’t be so terrible at it after all. He had fallen for that little boy more than he ever expected to. 

_Max suddenly woke to realize he’d fallen asleep sitting up, his back resting against the headboard of Helen’s bed, though he had no idea when that had happened. He wasn’t entirely sure what time of day it was. He could hear the shrill cries of his newborn son coming from elsewhere in the apartment, and though he wanted to crawl under the blankets and sleep for a week straight, he knew he couldn’t. If Helen was awake, then he needed to be awake. He was still in awe of everything she’d been through, knowing he would have never survived._

_The past few days of his life had been the most unexpected and enlightening he’d lived thus far. The baby he never really expected to bond with had stolen his heart the moment he’d entered the world. One look at him and everything he had known before that moment instantly crumbled. Max could honestly say he had never loved anyone the way he loved his son. It was an all-consuming, unconditional love that he’d often heard about, but never felt before. It took less than a minute to know he would gladly give his life for him. He would do anything for the little one, absolutely anything, but that didn’t mean he was any good at everything else that came along with parenting._

_Max had mastered holding Meyer as he slept, but everything else was a disaster. He was struggling to figure out how to change diapers and dress the baby, so afraid he wasn’t being gentle enough. It had been almost three days, and he had never been able to successfully calm him when he was upset. If anything, Max struggling only upset him more, and he would scream at the top of his lungs until Helen or her Mother took over. He felt as if he’d never figure it out, and the thought of ever having the baby on his own was terrifying, but he knew he wouldn’t stop trying. He couldn’t._

_He exited the bedroom, following the sound of his son’s crying, until he entered the kitchen to find the source of the upset. The little one was lying on a towel next to the sink, more angry and red than Max had ever seen him, as Helen and her Mother gave him a bath. Max looked at the time, seeing it was just after 3am, and wasn’t really sure he wanted to know why Meyer was getting a bath in the middle of the night._

_“He’ll like it better once he can be in the water,” Helen’s Mother explained, cleaning the naked baby with a washcloth. “As soon as what is left of his umbilical cord dries and comes off, you can put him in his tub.” Max had no idea how the woman had the confidence to give their newborn a bath. The thought of trying to keep hold of a soaped up, slippery baby left him riddled with anxiety, and at the moment, he hoped Meyer didn’t get too dirty while at his house._

_“Meyer,” Helen said sweetly, holding the baby’s tiny hand as he continued screaming. “You’re ok, baby.”_

_Max made his presence known, coming to stand next to Helen, resting his hand on her lower back. She looked up at him, and he could see she was close to tears. She had been through so much the past few days that he knew it could be any number of things. She was exhausted, still sore from delivery, and her hormones were all over the place. It was literally the perfect storm, and he had nothing to help him navigate it. He gently rubbed her back, “What can I do?”_

_“Nothing,” Helen said. “I had just finished feeding him and got him back to sleep when his diaper exploded. It was too big a mess for baby wipes, so we had to bathe him.”_

_“I would have gotten up to help,” he said, feeling guilty that he had dozed off long enough for all of that to take place. The past few nights, he hadn’t slept so soundly, but he knew exhaustion had taken over the moment he closed his eyes. "Why didn't you wake me?"_

_Helen looked up at him once again, and he could tell she wasn’t offended that he’d finally passed out, unable to go another minute without sleep, “I know, but what would we have done? I’m just as scared to give him a bath as you are.”_

_“Solidarity?” Max shrugged._

_“That’s what Nana’s here for,” Helen’s Mother cooed to the baby. “Yeah, that’s what I’m here for!” The woman in front of him was just as smitten with the baby as his own Mother, and any negative feelings they may have had concerning Helen’s pregnancy before had gone out the window the moment they saw him. He had managed to wrap all four of his grandparents around his tiny finger with no effort at all._

_They stood in silence as they watched Helen’s Mother swaddle Meyer in a towel, before holding the top of his head under the stream of warm water to wet his hair. The newborn quietened down the moment his grandmother started to gently lather the shampoo in his small amount of hair. “I think we’ve found something else you like, Meyer! That’s three things so far! Mummy and milk and having your hair washed. Yeah, it’s not so bad, is it? It's not so terrible out here in this big world.”_

_Helen leaned down, kissing his little face, and her tears started out of nowhere. “I’m sorry,” she cried. “I have no idea why I’m crying.”_

_Max instantly pulled her into his arms, holding her as she cried, and had no idea what else to do. He didn’t know if she was in pain, upset about something, or just completely wiped out. There was a great possibility it could be all three, but he still felt clueless. “Are you hurting? Need me to get you something?”_

_“No,” she said tearfully. “I took something for pain a bit ago. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He's just so upset, and….I’m sorry.”_

_“Helen,” he said, gently rubbing her back as she remained in his arms. They had fallen back into this so quickly. “You have nothing to apologize for, ok?”_

_“You’re exhausted, sweetheart,” her Mother said. Max had no doubt that was the case. She had been surviving on broken naps since everything started days ago, and it had only gotten worse once Meyer was born. “You need to go lie down. All you need to be concerned with is taking care of yourself and feeding him. Max and I are here to help with everything else. You just fed him, so you need to go get some rest.” The look her Mother gave him let him know he’d better back her up._

_“She’s right,” he said sweetly, kissing her forehead. “You need to sleep. He’ll be fine. I’ll bring him to you when it’s time to feed him again.”_

_Part of him hoped her Mother was including him just to make Helen feel better, not that she actually expected he’d be able to provide much help. He watched on as her Mother finished rinsing Meyer’s hair, gently drying him with the towel, before quickly applying a clean diaper. Helen kissed his head before turning to make her way back to her bedroom, still tearful but not putting up a fight._

_“Go have a seat on the sofa,” her Mother instructed as soon as Helen was out of sight, giving him a look that let him know there was absolutely no use in arguing._

_Max did as he was told, making his way to the living room and taking a seat on the sofa as she followed behind him with the fussy baby in her arms. “Remove your shirt,” she told him._

_He knew the expression on his face as he looked up at her was one of confusion, and asking if she’d lost her mind was on the tip of his tongue. He decided it was safer to do as he was told as he quickly removed his t-shirt and was left sitting in only his pajama pants. “You can do skin to skin with him just as well as she can,” her Mother explained. She unwrapped the baby, leaving him in only his diaper, and at that moment Max could swear the not quite 8-pound baby seemed even more tiny and fragile than he had just seconds before. “That’s what he wants. He’s been in a womb for 9 months and doesn’t understand this big world. He just wants to be close to someone."_

_“Uh,” Max said, scared out of his mind as she placed the newborn on his chest as he supported Meyer’s tiny body with his hands. “I don’t know if….”_

_“There we go,” she said, watching as the baby snuggled into the warmth he found there and immediately quietened down. Max was frozen still, scared of moving an inch in the wrong direction. Helen’s Mother grabbed a small blanket and covered the baby with it. “He is your baby,” she said, “And she's my baby. We won’t always be able to fix every little thing for them, but we do what we can. I’m going to make sure she’s ok, and you’re going to take care of him. You’ve got this, Max.”_

_He nodded, not only knowing she was right, but also that there was no way he would ever argue with her. He watched as she left him in the living room, cradling his newborn son against his chest. He’d gotten more comfortable holding the baby, but this was new, and the little one seemed so fragile. Max carefully leaned back on the sofa, getting comfortable as he kept a protective hold on Meyer. “I think you know I don’t have a clue what I’m doing,” he said quietly. “You also seem as honest as your Mom. That’s not a criticism. I’m just saying.”_

_Minutes passed as he watched the tiny boy on his chest become calmer, his breathing starting to even out, and Max kissed him on the head. “I know these aren’t exactly the same accommodations you’re used to with Mommy,” he smiled. “I’ll tell you now you should probably get used to that. I’m gonna do my best, Meyer, but Mommy is the one who is good at all this stuff.” He smiled as the little one grasped his index finger with his tiny hand, almost as if to say he was an acceptable replacement at the moment. “Ok, we can hold hands,” Max said. “That’s cool.”_

_The longer he held the baby against his chest, the more comfortable he became, and for the first time, he actually believed that maybe he wouldn’t be a complete failure. “If loving you is all it took, I’d be at expert level right now, but I think it’s a little more complicated than that. I’m gonna do my best though, ok? I promise.” The baby let out a little squeak at that moment, and Max couldn’t help but quietly laugh. “Exactly,” he smiled. “With feedback from you, of course. I understand you’re half Sharpe and can’t help it.”_

_As he sat holding his son, Max was hit with a wave of emotion when he thought about the past three days. Holding Meyer’s tiny hand with his own, he smiled at the baby’s long fingers, knowing they came directly from him. He had never been able to see the little one as anything other than a carbon copy of Helen during her pregnancy. He couldn’t imagine recognizing anything from himself when he looked at the baby. He was simply too perfect, and there was no way he was responsible for that. Max was still in disbelief when he looked at the baby and saw obvious bits of himself. Features such as the baby’s fingers, to his ears, to the long legs he kept curled against himself most of the time, Max could clearly see himself when he looked at the boy._

_Max kissed the baby on the head, still finding it hard to believe he could love another person so unconditionally. “I’m not sure how things are going to look going forward. We won’t live together, but I promise I’ll see you as much as I can.” He’d gone from thinking he’d feel relief once he was back home, to being unable to imagine leaving the tiny boy for days at a time. “Sometimes grown ups complicate things more than they should, but that doesn’t mean you ever have to deal with that. I love you and your Mommy more than anything, and living apart doesn’t change that at all. I’ll always be here whenever you need me.”_

Max stayed close by as Meyer toddled through the grass with a determination the baby had absolutely inherited from both him and Helen. The little one squealed out, clapping his hands, excited to be outside and set on covering every square inch of the park now that he had been allowed to roam freely. It wasn’t often they were at the park without Helen, and she was far less accommodating when it came to allowing Meyer to explore. “Ma..ma,” he said.

“Mommy's at home,” Max told him. “And we’re not telling her that I wasn’t holding your hand the whole time, ok?” Meyer laughed aloud, smiling as if he understood as he kept walking across the grass.

“I don’t know where he’s going,” Max’s Dad observed, a hint of amusement in his tone. “But he sure seems to!” 

Max laughed. “He’s just happy no one is holding on to him.”

The little one suddenly stopped, squatting down, as the two men stood by watching him. “You got something in your shoe?” Max knelt down, quickly getting the grass out of the baby’s shoe. Meyer stayed as he was, still poking at his foot, convinced the problem hadn’t been solved. “It’s all out,” Max said. “See? All fixed now!” 

“Why’d you put sandals on him?” His Dad asked, standing next to them as he watched Max pretend to remove something else from the shoe to convince Meyer it was no longer a problem. 

“Look, Meyer,” Max said, running his finger underneath the baby’s toes. “There’s nothing in there! It’s all gone!” Deciding to take him at his word, the little one struck out in another direction at lightning speed as the men quickly followed behind. He hadn’t been walking long, but he got better and better as each day passed. “He’ll do that every time he thinks something is in his shoe, so just be prepared.” 

His Dad laughed. “Again, why’d you put sandals on him? You knew we were coming to the park!” 

Max glared over at his Dad before looking at the sleeveless romper clad baby marching along in his sandals. “You think I dressed him? Really, Dad?”

Meyer stopped, turning around to look up at Max, laughing as he pointed to a dog a short distance away. Max quickly picked him up before he took off after the animal. He kissed the little one's cheek, “Tell Grandpa that Mommy is in charge of your wardrobe. I have no say whatsoever on how she dresses you!"

“Probably cost more than everything the both of us have on right now,” his Dad added.

Max laughed, carrying the baby as they made their way over to the swings. “Probably something her Mom got for him,” he explained. “You should see the stuff she sends for him that she buys in some of those stores in London.”

His Dad smiled, “Between your Mother and hers, he’ll never need for clothes or toys.” That was the most accurate assessment of the women Max had ever heard. Add Helen to the mix, and the baby had everything he could possibly want. They had struggled when it came to buying a birthday present he didn’t already have. “He really doesn’t have much of anything, does he? Poor guy!” 

“No,” Max smiled, kissing Meyer’s cheek again. “You don’t have anything to wear or play with, do you, bud?” He secured the baby in the swing, making sure he was safely strapped in before he dared to swing him. 

His Dad walked over to stand opposite of Max so they could push the little one back and forth, making sure to keep him safe the whole time. “I used to say things to your Mother about her shopping habits, but I can’t when it comes to this one.” The baby smiled up at his grandfather, laughing as the man tickled his tummy before gently pushing him back in Max's direction. “No, I really can't say anything to her when it comes to all the things she buys for you. It’s the happiest I’ve seen her in a really long time.” 

They pushed the baby back and forth in the swing, Meyer laughing the whole time, and no matter how tired Max may have felt, he wouldn’t trade those moments for anything. He wouldn’t trade the moment with his son or his Dad. The past year had been full of new experiences and relationships for everyone. “I’d say that about both of you, actually. I think we all needed him more than we realized.” He didn’t often speak about life before Meyer, or about the shape his relationship with his parents was in before the baby entered their lives, but the comment came naturally. Max found himself understanding his Father more now that he had his own son. 

His Dad nodded, smiling as he watched the pure joy on the baby boy’s face as he swung back and forth between them. “It hasn’t been easy,” he explained. “Realizing how much we failed you after your sister died….”

“Dad,” Max said, not wanting him to feel guilty. “That’s not….”

“No,” his Dad replied. “We did stop living after losing Luna, and that wasn’t fair to you. We missed so much of your life, so the fact you’ve allowed us to be here after all we missed out on is something we know we don’t deserve. You’ll never know how much it means that you and Helen allowed us to know our grandson.” Emotional conversations weren’t common between the two men, but cancer had seemed to change all of that. The threat of not having enough time to say the things that needed to be said had broken down the walls they’d had between them for so long.

“You’re his grandparents,” Max said simply. “None of that matters now. I understand a lot more than you think. I’m grateful we all have the two of you.”

His Dad smiled kindly, but Max knew he didn’t believe it was that simple. He knew his Father was harder on himself than anyone else could be. “We can’t take credit for the man you became,” he continued. “We should have gotten help when your sister passed away, gotten you help, but we didn’t, and that will be something we’ll always live with. Sometimes I think about what my own father must have thought all those years he picked up the pieces where we dropped them. You’re so much like him. You’re as good of a father to this little guy as your Grandfather was to me, and I mean every word of that, son. He has the Dad he does because you had the Grandfather you did.”

Max had no idea what to say. He wanted to tell his Dad how wrong he was, but he couldn’t. He could vividly recall the day his sister died and how alone he felt. His parents had instantly fallen apart, and Max could remember crying himself to sleep that night alone in his bedroom. They'd been too grief-stricken to think about what her death had done to him. Max knew he’d fumbled through the past year scared to death, but wanting to be everything for his son no matter how inept he might feel because of what his Grandfather had been to him. He smiled at the baby boy still happily swinging as they pushed him back and forth between them, “I wish Grandpa could have met him.” 

“Oh, man,” his Dad smiled. “You think we’re bad when it comes to him. He would have thought this one was the greatest thing he’d ever laid eyes on. It would have meant the world to Dad to know he was named after him.”

“That was a tough sell to Mommy, huh, Meyer?” Max said, smiling down at the baby. “I didn’t think she was going to go for it!” The day they discovered he was a boy, the name had come to him almost as if it was meant to be. He had never considered having a say when it came to naming the baby, deciding to leave that up to Helen, but the name came to him instantly. 

“We always wondered why we never knew his name beforehand,” his Dad confessed. “You would tell us you didn’t know whenever we asked. We just thought the two of you couldn’t agree. Or that you didn't want to tell us for whatever reason.” 

“Because I didn’t know,” Max replied. He could remember the shock he felt when Helen told him the baby’s name, so certain she would change her mind before the birth certificate was signed. They hadn’t discussed it again after the night she told him she just couldn't see their son with that name. “I found out he was Meyer when he was about 5 minutes old,” he said. The baby squealed out at hearing his name, still completely happy to be swinging. “Yeah, you were about 5 minutes old when Mommy finally told me what your name was! And I couldn’t believe it!” 

“Ma..ma,” Meyer repeated, smiling up at him. 

“Yep,” Max smiled. “Mommy got the final say, didn’t she? I’m smarter than I look.” 

He looked at his Dad, watching as he smiled down at Meyer with as much love and adoration as he could muster. He'd dealt with so many memories that day, but at the moment, he was remembering the first time his parents met the baby boy. There was a joy Max saw on their faces that he never remembered seeing before. Not since before Luna died. The tiny baby had been the thing that finally brought them out of the dark pit they’d been in for so long, relieving them of the heaviness they constantly carried. 

_The light knock at the door woke Max from his very brief nap as he opened his eyes to the dim hospital room. Looking over, he saw Helen was sleeping just like the newborn boy in the hospital bassinet next to him, and knew she was out when the noise hadn't disturbed her. It had been the longest day, and he was more exhausted than he had ever felt before, but he was so unbelievably happy. He was so unbelievably shocked to be happy. He stood, quietly making his way over to the door, already knowing who was on the other side. “Hey,” opening it to find his parents waiting to meet their grandson._

_“Are they sleeping?” His Dad asked. “We can come back tomorrow.”_

_His Mom had gotten her feelings hurt earlier in the day, saying things he really hoped she didn't mean, and he knew the flowers with the ‘It’s a Boy!’ balloons attached were a peace offering of sorts. Normally, he would have been unable to overlook her earlier behavior, but nothing would steal the joy he felt at the moment. He wanted them to meet their grandson. He wanted to introduce them to the little person he was so proud of. “No,” he said. “You can come in, just...she’s exhausted and is finally sleeping, so…”_

_“We’ll keep it down,” his Dad smiled._

_They followed Max into the room, taking a seat on the sofa as he turned a lamp on and gently lifted the newborn baby out of the bassinet. He smiled as the tiny boy let out a squeak, and that quick, he found himself falling head over heels all over again. Meyer continued sleeping, tightly swaddled in his blanket, and the love Max felt for him was as overwhelming as it was unexpected. He took a seat on the sofa next to them, carefully passing the baby to his Mother who was already crying. “I'd like you guys to meet Meyer Sharpe Goodwin,” he said._

_“Meyer,” his Dad smiled, looking at the baby with as much pride as Max could ever remember seeing on his face. He knew it would mean the world to his Dad for the baby to be named for his Father. Almost as much as it meant to him. He took the baby’s hand in his, “This world has needed another Meyer Goodwin in it for a very long time.”_

_“Sharpe-Goodwin,” his Mother corrected, smiling down at the baby boy, unable to take her eyes off of him._

_“No,” Max said. “Just Goodwin. Sharpe is his middle name. That’s how she wanted it.”_

_His Mother kissed the baby’s head, holding him close as tears continued to fall. They had never had the best relationship, Max always feeling as if he wasn’t enough for them, especially after the loss of his sister. He knew it wasn’t purposeful. Their grief had just become so much bigger than their entire world and everything in it. “We’ve needed you for so long, Meyer,” she said sweetly. She took Max’s hand in her own, “We’re so proud of you. He’s beautiful.”_

_“I didn’t do much,” Max quietly laughed. After seeing the baby born, he would never claim to have done the majority of the hard work. The emotional toll the past nine months had taken on him had been difficult, but he now knew it was nothing compared to what Helen must have felt as her body changed with each passing day. His part was very simple, absolutely enjoyable, and it had been her left to make it through nine months of pregnancy and everything he’d witnessed her endure while giving birth to their son. “His Mom, though,” Max said. “She was amazing today.”_

_“Is she doing well?” His Mom asked. “From the delivery?”_

_“She is,” Max replied. He would never divulge too many details, not really knowing what Helen wanted shared with his parents, but he believed her to be sincere in asking. “It was a difficult night and day, but they’re both healthy. She’ll have a bit of a recovery, but she was amazing. She’s just," he paused, getting control of his emotions as he thought of everything she meant to him. Everything she had so selflessly given him. "She was amazing.”_

_“We're thankful she’s doing well. I know it wasn’t an easy night or day for her, but she gave you a beautiful little boy,” she smiled. Despite their differences, Max knew that was true. His Mother and Helen may never exactly be friends, but they wished each other well. “Are you staying tonight, or are you going home? I thought I heard someone say earlier today that her Mother was staying with her while she was in the hospital?”_

_“No, I’m staying,” Max answered. “She asked me to, and to be honest, I didn’t know how I was going to leave them if she hadn’t.” So much had changed in just a matter of hours. For months, they’d had the best laid plans for when the baby arrived, and it had all gone out the window the moment they saw him. The distance between them seemed to evaporate as things grew more intense, and by the time their baby boy made his entrance, they couldn’t imagine being separated. Max didn’t realize how badly he needed Helen to need him until this experience, and he would be there until she sent him away._

_“Good,” his Dad said. “This is where you need to be.”_

_“Look at this little face,” his Mom said, holding the baby towards her husband so he could get a closer look. “Can we unwrap him?”_

_Max reached over, gently unswaddling the baby so his parents could get a closer look. He smiled the second he saw the baby had his tiny legs curled up against himself, not yet realizing he was no longer in the womb. “You can stretch those out, bud,” he smiled. “You got room out here!”_

_“He’s got your long legs,” his Dad laughed. “That’s all you were as a newborn. Just legs.”_

_Max smiled, leaning down and kissing his tiny face. He couldn’t get enough of the baby boy, and he had no idea how he’d ever learn to live away from him. At the moment, he didn't want to think about it. “Now I know why those stayed in your Mommy’s ribs all of the time.”_

_Tears poured down his Mother’s face as she held the baby boy and took every detail of him in. He had no idea what was going through her mind at the moment. At times, he wondered if it was hard seeing milestones in his life, knowing she would never see the same ones when it came to Luna. He imagined she often thought of everything Mothers look forward to experiencing with their daughters. There would never be a wedding or any grandchildren from her. The only thing she had left was so many what if’s. He often thought about what his life would have been like if he hadn’t lost his sister. He imagined she would have probably told him he should have fought harder for Helen and been crazy about her nephew already. He imagined her as the best friend he’d been missing for so long now. “Mom,” Max said, wrapping an arm around her as he hugged her to his side. “It’s ok.”_

_“It's more than ok,” she smiled. “These are happy tears. He’s just so perfect.” At that moment, the little one let out the sweetest whimper, sucking his tiny fist, as she gently rocked him side to side. “I think he may be getting hungry.”_

_Max smiled, mesmerized by the little one in front of him, amazed that he knew exactly what he wanted at only hours old. Before meeting his son for the first time, Max saw newborns in an entirely different way. He was quickly learning they entered the world with their own instincts and unique personalities. “It’s not time to eat again,” he explained to the baby. “You need to give Mommy a break! Yeah, you do!”_

_His Dad laughed from where he sat next to him. "I guess nobody told you that the two of you are living by Meyer's schedule now, not the other way around!"_

_The little one was only a few hours old, and Max already couldn't imagine living so long without him. The road that led him here had been rocky, and he’d hated so much of it, but he could honestly say he was thankful for every difficult moment he had experienced. He was thankful for every moment he swore would break him. Not quite two years ago, he’d stood in his apartment one Friday afternoon and listened as his ex-wife told him he wasn’t enough. Not being enough had led him to Helen and to the perfect baby boy becoming more alert by the second. He had never been more thankful that he wasn’t enough. Max leaned down, kissing the sleeping boy on the head, and he had to fight to keep his tears at bay. The little one had healed more wounds than he would ever know._

At one time in his life, the chaos surrounding them would have been unwelcomed. The apartment covered in wrapping paper and gift boxes would have been overwhelming. He would have never believed the mix of family and friends singing to the baby in Helen’s arms would have happened, at least not harmoniously. The little boy who had been stripped down to his diaper as he happily awaited cake had changed everything. He would never fully understand just how many lives he had altered simply by entering the world. 

Helen held the baby boy’s hands in her own to keep him from reaching out to grab the flame on the one tiny candle atop his own personal birthday cake. The baby kicked his legs excitedly as the song finished and the two of them leaned down to blow the candle out for him. It should be easy to get lost in the moment, think of nothing but the activity going on around him, but at that moment all Max could do was reflect on the past year as he smiled at the two people he loved beyond reason, beyond what he was able to fully comprehend. 

Meyer cried out, holding on to Helen as tightly as his little arms and legs could as she tried to place him in his high chair. “Meyer,” she laughed. “This is going to be a big enough disaster without you refusing to sit in your chair!” Their baby boy was normally all over the place, never afraid of anything, but he had been uncertain about all of the people at his house since they started arriving. Max really couldn't blame him. 

“I don’t think he’s going to go for it,” her Mom laughed, standing by with the small cake. 

Helen tried once again, this time with Meyer holding on to her shirt and beginning to cry. “Ok,” she said, kissing his cheek. “I’m not sure what’s so scary about sitting in your chair, but ok!” The little one rested his head on her shoulder, pouting even though he’d gotten his way, and Max reached out to tickle his leg. 

“Will you go to Daddy, at least?” Helen asked, wiping tears from his little face. “Everyone just wants to see you eat your cake!” 

“Yeah,” Lauren said, reaching out to take hold of his hand. “If you don’t eat it, I’m going to!” 

“Aunt Lauren is going to eat your cake,” Helen told the baby, smiling as he finally lifted his head off her shoulder and looked at her with watery eyes as she wiped tears from his little face. “Will you go to Daddy?”

Meyer smiled at the question, once again happy in Helen’s arms, as Max reached out to take him from her. “Come on, buddy,” he said. The baby reached out for him, perfectly happy as long as he was in their arms. “Is your high chair really that horrible?” 

“No,” his Mother smiled. “But all of the people staring at him are!” 

Helen took the plate from her Mother, showing it to Meyer as he looked on with curious eyes, uncertainty on his tiny face. She got a bit of frosting on her finger and held it up to his mouth. “You’re going to like it,” she smiled. “I promise you will!” The baby boy finally leaned toward her from his place in Max’s arms, taking the frosting from Helen. “You see?” She laughed, watching as he excitedly reached out for more, allowing him to place his hand in the cake. “I told you!!”

The next few minutes were a blur of Meyer taking handfuls of cake into his little hands, shoveling them into his mouth as frosting and cake covered his face. “Is it good, bud?” Max laughed, watching on helplessly as he felt a little hand full of frosting touch his face. "I see why Mommy handed you to me!” The baby laughed, touching Max with his other hand, his face quickly becoming covered in the sticky confection. “Yeah, now I see exactly why she gave you to me!” 

“Ok, yeah, I gave birth to him a year ago,” she explained. “The least you could do is allow him to cover you in frosting at his first birthday party!” 

He smiled at her, thankful for every moment of the day, even standing there covered in frosting as their little one continued adding to it, giving up on eating it himself. “You need to give Mommy kisses,” he said to the baby, holding him in Helen’s direction. “Can you give Mommy kisses?”

The baby boy reached for her as Max took the plate she was holding with his free hand. “Give her kisses, Meyer,” Max laughed, watching as the little one pressed his messy face against hers, knowing there was no way she could resist him. “There you go! She loves those! Good job, buddy!” 

“I’m not even going to say a word when she dumps the entire cake on your head at the wedding,” Lauren said, taking pictures of the whole exchange. That was all it took for the rest of the group to launch into discussion of a wedding the two of them had yet to plan. Max knew the past week Helen had dealt with questions from their friends and colleagues that they didn’t yet have answers for. They hadn’t been able to put life aside long enough to discuss actual plans or even know when it would happen. 

Max looked at Helen, and the moment their eyes met, he could tell she was as overwhelmed as him. They hadn’t discussed the first detail about what they wanted when it came to a wedding, but as they looked at one another among the chaos, Max knew that neither of them wanted or needed an audience. Without saying a word, he knew they had just made the decision to keep the moment for them. Nothing else mattered except the two of them and the little one in her arms. 

Max leaned toward Helen, knowing she couldn’t push him away with her arms full of their son. “NO,” she laughed, turning her head. “Max, no!” 

The moment his lips met hers, everything surrounding them fell away, and he was finally able to put the uncertainty, worry, and fear of what the next weeks could bring aside. The day had been a happy one, but so many bittersweet moments had managed to creep in. Moments where Max wondered if this was the only birthday he’d live to see, and at times he found it difficult to push that aside so he could be fully present. Moments where he remembered just how far they'd come. He rested his forehead against hers, successfully covering her in almost as much frosting as Meyer had covered him in. 

No matter what happened, Max knew he had never been as content as he was at that moment. Even after battling cancer for the past few months, missing out on time with their son, and knowing Helen had far more on her than he ever wanted. He’d gotten to experience what it was like to be truly happy and in love with another person, and how profound sharing the little one between them really was. They were his reasons for surviving the nightmare he’d walked through, and they were the reasons he’d never give up. Though he would never fully understand, he’d found what he never believed in until the day he saw her walking toward him in the lobby of New Amsterdam. He found his soulmate, and together, they’d created the most perfect little boy. 

“Ma ma,” Meyer said, smiling as Max pulled away to look at him, his icing covered face an image he’d never forget. Not for the rest of his life. 

“We got her, didn’t we?” He leaned forward, kissing Meyer’s cheek as Helen did the same to the opposite, the little one erupting in laughter. “Yeah,” he smiled, kissing the baby boy again. “We got her!” 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer's block has gotten the best of me, and I am not sure if there is still much interest in this what with the show's long hiatus, but I am committed to finishing. As I mentioned chapters earlier, I have no real medical knowledge, so please accept this as my disclaimer for any glaring mistakes you may find.

If there was one thing life had taught her, it was that the worst things to happen come out of left field on the most random day. People spend their lives preparing for worst-case scenarios, thinking about what their response will be when said scenario happens, but the real nightmares somehow manage to pop up on some idle Wednesday with no warning at all. It’s those things people spend so much time swearing they’re ready for, but when they happen, it’s as if they never saw it coming. Most usually don’t. Today, Helen considered herself most. 

Helen hurried out of her office, quickly making her way down the hall as she typed out a text to her Mother. Something told her she should've stayed home that morning, but Max had insisted she go to work. His parents had come over to see after Meyer for the day, and before she left, she had given him strict instructions to rest as much as possible. The chemotherapy had finished, but the effects of treatment were still present. There had been good days recently, and those days always gave a false sense of security. She had witnessed the same pattern with patients time and time again over the years, and she found herself getting caught up in them when it came to Max. His body was still fighting the disease, and using every reserve it had to do so. He was still an Oncology patient. He had never been out of the woods, not really. 

The hospital appeared completely normal as she navigated the hallways on her way to the ED, silently praying nobody stopped her for anything. The daily happenings were in full swing, there had been no unexpected crises, and it should have been a day she was able to get out of there a little earlier than planned. It should have been a day she made it home early enough to feed Meyer dinner and give him a bath. It should have been the most normal day. When Max’s Mother called, she didn’t ask questions, she simply got up from her desk and assured her future Mother-in-law she was on the way.

“Dr. Sharpe,” Casey said, appearing almost instantly when she entered the emergency department as her pager went off. 

“Where is….” she trailed off, looking down at the pager and seeing that Virginia was trying to contact her, no doubt concerning the very same thing Max's Mother had texted her about only moments before. They were running tests and would keep everyone posted. It was nothing she didn’t already know. “Can you call Dr. Stauton and let her know I’m here? And where is….” 

“They’re in the family waiting room,” he replied, answering her question before she could finish asking. So often, her heart felt torn between two places, but knowing there was nothing she could do for Max at the moment, she needed to see Meyer. She needed to make sure none of this had affected him in any way. She needed to see their happy, active little boy completely unbothered by the sudden changes. “We put Max in procedure room 4. We wanted to give him more privacy than he’d have in one of these beds. They’ve taken him to Radiology. Want me to page you when he’s back in his room?” 

“Please,” she said, already leaving the young man standing at the nurse’s station as she quickly made her way to the family waiting room. She should have stayed home, but Max had been adamant. He wanted so badly for their life to return to normal that he’d been worse than usual when it came to insisting he was fine. It didn’t matter how he felt on any given day, nor did it matter that she could clearly tell when he was lying, he always insisted he was fine. He wanted so badly for that to be true. Helen spent so much time trying not to overreact that somewhere along the way, she’d started ignoring instincts that had never steered her wrong. 

She entered the waiting area to find Max’s parents across the room, trying their best to keep Meyer entertained. The little one was all over the place, never still for long, and the hospital was the last place he needed to be. Max’s Dad took a toy from the baby boy, pointing in her direction before the little one could protest, and the second he spotted her, he was little arms raised in the air as tiny feet moved in her direction as quickly as possible. The sight of him quickly making his way to her in his t-shirt and jeans, toddling along in the smallest pair of sneakers she’d ever seen, reminded her so much of Max. “Ma ma!”

Helen reached down, picking the baby up, and smiling as he squealed out in excitement. “Hey, baby,” she said, hugging him to her as tightly as she could, the feel of his little body in her arms instantly calming her. She kissed his cheek before he rested his head on her shoulder, snuggling into her, and she knew he would protest the moment she handed him back over. The little boy in her arms had been so resilient through all of the changes, but her heart broke at the thought of all he’d been through in just one year of life. 

She made her way over to Max’s parents, taking a seat next to them as Meyer remained in her arms. “They said they’ve taken him for some tests. Probably a CT scan and x-rays,” she explained, adjusting Meyer on her lap. “He just got worse?” 

Helen could tell his Mother was scared out of her mind but was trying her hardest to keep it together. “I suggested he get checked out as soon as we saw him this morning,” she answered. “The moment I heard that cough, I told him he should come in, but you know Max. I know it was the same battle you’d been fighting with him. We had just finished feeding Meyer lunch when he came out of the bedroom, saying he thought he should come in. His temperature was almost 104 degrees.” 

“My God,” Helen said, trying to keep herself calm as she heard the woman explain the high fever and how Max had made the decision to come to the hospital himself. There was no doubt he was sick if he made the decision without any prompting at all. The fact he hadn’t called her before coming bothered her more than she wanted to admit, but she knew it was all in the name of protecting everyone else. Keeping their lives untouched by his cancer as much as possible was his main concern. It had been from the beginning. “I’m sorry,” she said, kissing Meyer’s head. “I shouldn’t have come to work. He was sick last night, and I knew how he was this morning….” 

“Helen,” his Mother interrupted. “No. You know better than anyone how stubborn he is. Max has to do things in his own time, even if the rest of us would have preferred he do them hours earlier.” His Mother may not know everything, and she may not understand the most basic parts of her own son, but she was spot on with her assessment. From the beginning, Max had done this on his own terms, even if it made no sense at all. “There is nothing you could have done. If anything, you staying home would have only upset him and probably made him dig his heels in even further. He’s here now, and that is what matters.” 

“We should know something as soon as they get those images,” Helen explained. “At the very least, they’ll admit him for IV antibiotics, but we’ll know more once they know exactly what they’re dealing with. I know you guys want to be here, but….”

His Mother reached out, placing a hand on Helen’s arm. “We’ll do whatever you need us to do. If you need us to be with Meyer, that’s where we’ll be.”

“He’s not going to want me to stay,” Helen continued. She already dreaded the fight she knew he’d put up if he had an ounce of energy to do so. He would want her to leave him and go home with their son even though he would never be able to do the same if their situations were reversed. “He’s going to want me to go home to be with him tonight, but I can’t, so if you guys could keep him for a few days? If that’s ok? I can’t imagine someone asking me to leave if Meyer were in the hospital, so I can have my Mother on the way here as soon as possible if you’d rather stay.”

“It’s different when the reason you can’t stay is your grandson, Helen, I promise,” she replied. “There’s absolutely nothing we can do for Max, but we can help you guys with him. When we leave here, we’ll go get his things and take him to our house?” 

Helen nodded, running her hand across the little one’s head as he busied himself with the pager he'd found in her lab coat pocket. “I think he’ll do better staying nights at your place. He’ll wonder where Max and I are at bedtime if he’s at home.”

“Hopefully, some antibiotics will knock whatever this is out in a few days, and he’ll be back home,” his Dad added. “This is just a setback. That is what I told him earlier.” 

“Da da,” Meyer smiled, looking up at Helen.

“Yeah,” Max’s Dad smiled. “Daddy has to get better so he can play with you, huh? You kept watch at his bedroom door, didn’t you? You knew he was in there!” 

It was difficult knowing that Max was sick, and it was even more difficult seeing it, but there was nothing that broke her heart quite the way knowing Meyer was aware something was wrong did. As attached to her as the little one was, he adored his Daddy, and it hurt her more than she could say knowing their time together had been interrupted. It was the thing Max hated most and the thing that broke her heart most for him. “He always knows,” she smiled, kissing the little one’s head. “I’m just thankful he won’t remember any of this. I remind Max of that all the time.” 

“I try to do the same,” his Mom agreed. “Not being able to be completely present for everything concerning this one is the hardest thing for him, I know.” She took the baby’s hand in her own, “He loves this little boy more than anything in this world.”

Before they could delve too far into a conversation that would most likely leave them both in tears, Helen looked up to see Virginia and Lauren enter the room. The look on their faces told her they didn’t have the best news, not that she expected it, but there was always a bit of hope she tried to hang on to. There was always hope that Max would avoid the complications she had seen so many times before. She quickly stood from where she was seated, adjusting Meyer in her arms. “Just tell us,” she said, not wanting to waste time getting to the truth. She needed to know facts so they could start doing whatever they had to do to fix it.

“Max has Pneumonia in both lungs,” Virginia said. “What started out as a simple upper respiratory infection has become aggressive, most likely due to his weakened immune system. We’ve done more testing, and I believe it to be bacterial, so we’re going to start him on a course of strong antibiotics as well as oxygen and breathing treatments. Right now, he’s stable, but it’s good he came in when he did.”

Helen knew everything Virginia was going to say before she said it, but it didn’t make hearing it any easier. She should have fought harder when he was pushing himself when the first hint of sickness appeared. She should have insisted he come in to be examined and treated before today. She should have done so many things, but right now, she needed to see him. “I want to ask to see all of his lab work and scans, but I’m going to let you guys handle it. I just need to see him. How’s his temperature?”

Virginia smiled kindly, “We got it under control with acetaminophen. The last reading was 101 degrees, which is significantly better than the 103.8 he had when he got here. He’ll be in the ED until a room becomes available upstairs. I decided to admit him to ICU rather than Oncology just so he’ll be monitored more closely. I’ll be glad to get a bed on my Unit if you’d rather staff he's more familiar with care for him.” 

“No,” Helen quickly replied. “ICU is fine. I’d rather he be watched closely.”

Lauren stepped forward, reaching out to tickle the baby boy’s tummy, smiling as she got a laugh from him. He was so happy, so unaware of all that was going on around him. “Did you come to see your Daddy? I know seeing you is going to make him feel so much better! He was showing all the nurses your pictures earlier!”

Helen kissed the baby boy’s cheek, holding him close as he kept a hold on her, unsure of his surroundings and of the new people who had entered the room. “You want to go see Daddy?” The little one grinned at her at the sound of that, smiling in response. “I think seeing you will help him more than anything.”

“I’ll go put his transfer orders in so we can get him moved upstairs,” Virginia explained. “You’re free to visit him now. If you need anything, have any questions, don’t hesitate to call me. I’ll keep you posted on anything new, big or small. I’m also consulting Pulmonology just to have an extra set of eyes on his case.”

“Thank you,” Helen said. Out of all the Oncologists she had worked with, Virginia was one of the most trusted. Their bedside manner was vastly different, and those differences weren't always well received by Max, but she was a phenomenal doctor and had taught Helen so much over their years together. There was no one else Helen trusted more than the woman standing in front of her. She would do everything in her power to make sure Max was taken care of.

Virginia smiled, reaching out to place her hand on Meyer’s back. “You remind me more and more of your Dad every time I see you! I saw pictures from your birthday party!” 

Helen smiled, “He had a good birthday, and we thank you for making sure Max was there to see it.” 

“You have nothing to thank me for,” Virginia replied. “I may not always show it, but I’ve always been fond of Max. It’s an honor to care for him.” 

“Speaking of,” Lauren said. “He thinks he’ll see you two, and then you’ll take him home.” Max was stubborn, but this was one fight Helen refused to lose. There was absolutely no way she would ever agree to leave him. They had come too far. “I told him that was never going to happen, but he has it in his head that he’s going to win that battle today.” 

Helen laughed quietly, “Well, we both know he’s not, so just excuse whatever you may hear coming from his room.”

She watched as Virginia exited the room, leaving them standing there as Meyer babbled in her arms. “Could you do me a huge favor when you get off work?” It wasn’t like Helen to ask for help, but she would much rather her best friend gather her things for a hospital stay than delegate that task to Max’s parents. “They’re going to have Meyer, and I don’t want to leave Max to run home myself, so….”

“Of course,” Lauren answered. “Just text me a list of what you need, and I’ll get it done. I’ll even be extra nice and get Max’s things too if needed.” 

“Wow,” Helen smiled. “He must be sick.” Meyer started sucking his thumb, resting his head on her shoulder once again, and she knew sending him with Max’s parents was going to be difficult. His infectious personality and the joy he brought to their lives was needed more than she often realized, and she hated the thought of being separated from him during Max’s time in the hospital. “Seriously, thank you for taking care of him.”

“He’s never coming through those doors without me getting in his business,” Lauren smiled. The young woman reached out, taking hold of Meyer’s foot. “I see someone is being a huge Mama’s Boy today. I’m not even going to try to take you from her!”

“He’s been more clingy than usual lately,” Helen said, kissing the baby, and her heart broke at the thought of handing him over. “I doubt sending him with Max’s parents is going to go over well.”

Lauren stepped forward, wrapping her in a hug, “Hopefully, it won’t be long and he’ll be back home where he belongs. That’s what we’re going to focus on.” 

Helen nodded, keeping the little one in her arms as Max’s parents joined them. Meyer raised his head, smiling at his Grandfather as the man tickled the baby’s side. “Da da,” the baby said. 

“I know your Daddy is ready to see you,” his Mother said. 

“He may have mentioned this one a few times,” Lauren smiled. “You’re quite the celebrity among the nurses. Yes, you are,” she said to the baby as he giggled in response. “Your Daddy whips that phone out the second one of them mentions you!”

Helen smiled at the little one, “We’ll go see him, and then I’ll let you guys take him. It’s probably not going to go over well, so I’ll step out before handing him over. I’m not sure what all you have at your house, but feel free to stop and get whatever you need for him from ours.” 

“You let us worry about that,” Max’s Mother reassured her. “I think we have everything we need except for milk. We’re good on clothes, diapers, and food.” 

“And toys,” his Dad added. 

They slowly made their way from the waiting area and down the hall toward the emergency department. Helen was greeted by nurses and staff wanting a glimpse of Meyer. People who had no idea what was going on and that all she wanted to do was lay eyes on Max so she could make sure he was ok. She was trying to be positive, trying not to worry too much about this complication, but so many patient stories she had witnessed over the years kept popping into her head. Stories of patients who had beaten the odds, been given a clean bill of health, and then a complication completely unrelated to cancer had struck out of nowhere. Max couldn't be a cautionary tale that Virginia told future patients one day. He simply couldn't be. 

Helen quietly entered the room with Meyer in her arms, and though the smile on his face did all it could to disguise the truth, she could instantly tell just how sick he was. The baby boy laughed aloud, pointing to Max with his little hand, “I told you we were coming to see Daddy!” 

“Hi!” Meyer said clearly, his little hand raised in a wave as he kept his eyes locked on Max. 

“Hey, bud,” Max laughed, reaching out for the baby in her arms. She couldn’t help but look at all of the numbers on the monitor as she passed the baby to him, seeing the oxygen cannula in his nose and the IV medication running through the tube connected to the port implanted in his chest. As soon as Meyer was in his arms, Max was kissing his little face and holding the baby to him. “What are you still doing awake? I thought you’d pass out the second you got to the waiting room.” 

“Too much excitement,” Max’s Dad laughed. “He was all over the place!”

Meyer took hold of Max’s hospital bracelet, trying his hardest to pull it from his arm. “I have to keep this on,” Max smiled. He took the bracelet in his free hand, turning it on his wrist to distract the baby from his quest to remove it. “You see?” The little one smiled up at Max, taking over the job of turning the bracelet round and round on his arm, and it was amusing to Helen just how alike the two of them were.

“You're so curious about everything, huh? Reminds me of someone else I know,” Helen said, smiling as the baby busied himself with the bracelet. Reaching out, she felt Max's forehead and knew the instant her hand came in contact with his skin that he was still fighting a fever. “You’re still burning up!” 

“I’m better,” he said, the exhaustion in his eyes betraying the words coming from his mouth. “I think I just let it get out of control, but Virginia said the antibiotics should knock this out, and I’ll be home in a couple days.” 

“I’m staying with you,” she said. There was no easy way to throw that news on him, and no matter how long she waited, the argument would be the same. There was no way she was leaving the hospital without him. “There is no use in arguing with me. Meyer is staying with your parents until you’re home, and I will be staying here.” 

“Helen,” he said, a look of defiance appearing on his face even though she could tell he didn’t feel well enough to go to battle with her. He tried so hard to hide any weakness. The years he had spent being strong without any help carrying life’s loads had left him struggling to accept help. She tried not to take it personally, but at the moment, it hurt more than she wanted to admit. “There’s nothing you can do for me here. Go home with him, sleep in our bed, and you’ll be back first thing in the morning.” 

“No,” she replied. 

He sighed, kissing Meyer on the head. “I’ll be fine, Helen.”

“Max,” his Mother spoke up. “We’ll have Meyer with us, and he’ll be fine. Someone needs to be here with you, no matter if you think so or not. Please stop arguing with her. It’s already been decided.” Helen couldn’t believe the silence that fell over the room, but she knew Max wouldn’t argue with his Mother. They’d walked out of the hospital without a child once, and he wouldn’t disrespect his parents by brushing their concerns off. 

“Da da,” Meyer smiled, pointing to Max’s oxygen cannula.

“Are you gonna gang up on me too?” He smiled, holding the baby boy’s hand so he couldn't remove the tubing. “Yeah, are you going to tell me how it’s going to be too?”

“He is,” his Mother said. “Tell your Daddy he is being silly!”

Helen took a seat on the edge of his bed, reaching out to take hold of Meyer in case he became too much for a clearly exhausted Max. She tried not to notice the way his breathing increased with talking or activity. She tried not to notice he was sicker than he would ever let on. “Meyer, you can’t have Daddy’s oxygen tubing no matter how fun it may look!” The baby boy was so full of life, the opposite of everything surrounding them, and she so badly wanted life to go back to normal. She wanted to go home to find her two guys playing with every toy Meyer owned and destroying the apartment. She wanted to be anywhere but where they were. 

Her thoughts were interrupted by Max beginning to cough, and she continued to be reminded that he had clearly gotten worse since that morning. “You sound so much worse than you did this morning, Max,” she said, looking across the room as Casey and another nurse entered the room with more medication in hand. She knew reminding him wasn't helpful when it came to his feelings, but she needed him to understand. She needed him to see that he wasn't always right about everything. 

“They’ve got your room ready upstairs, Dr. Goodwin,” Casey smiled, walking over to start preparing everything for the transport. He reached out, turning Max’s oxygen up another liter, and Helen tried not to panic. The look she gave Casey let him know to keep the change quiet around Max’s parents.

The instant her eyes landed on Max, her heart broke as he stared at their little boy, so obviously not wanting to leave him. The love he had for the little one in his arms was equally the sweetest and most heartbreaking thing as she watched on silently. She rested her hand on his leg, “It’s only a few days. They'll bring him by tomorrow.”

He nodded, resting his head against Meyer’s, kissing his cheek. “You be a good boy for Grandpa and Grandma, ok? Don’t let them spoil you too much!” The baby grinned up at Max, his little smile shattering her heart in the best way, and she knew Max was struggling more than he’d ever admit. The man who used to hand Meyer back over after his visitation had become one who couldn't stand to be away from the baby boy a second longer than he had to be. “I love you so much.”

Helen leaned forward, kissing the baby’s head, “You love Daddy too, huh?” 

“Da da,” Meyer grinned. 

“Yeah,” she laughed, noticing the tears in Max’s eyes, and it killed her to know she was separating them. “You’ll come visit Daddy tomorrow, so tell him he needs to get better! Yeah, he has to get better so he can keep up with you!” 

His parents stepped forward, saying their goodbyes, and she could tell they were struggling with the thought of leaving him. She took Meyer in her arms, standing from her place on his bed, and slowly made her way to the door. “I’m going to walk them out, Max,” she said, quickly exiting the room before her emotions got the best of her. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. He had finished his treatments, and they’d had good days, so it wasn’t fair to be blindsided by something so random. It wasn’t fair to him.

“He’ll be in ICU Bed 12,” Lauren said, coming to stand beside Helen. “Did you see your Daddy? I know you made him feel better!” 

“Da da,” Meyer smiled, starting to sound like a broken record. 

“Yes,” Lauren laughed. “I know you're better than any medicine we could give him.”

Almost as if the baby could sense things were about to change, Helen felt his grip on her tighten. Most days, she would handle this with no trouble at all. Most days, she would find every positive to focus on and talk herself out of the emotions she knew were waiting to be felt. Today wasn’t most days, and the closer she got to handing Meyer over, the more she felt her resolve slipping. She was interim Medical Director of the oldest public hospital in America, a world-renowned Oncologist who had saved countless lives, but today she was a terrified fiance and heartbroken mother. Today was quickly becoming too much.

She tabled the emotion she felt, smiling at Meyer as he looked back at her with those blue eyes she fell more and more in love with each day. He was so much like the man who had stolen her heart, and those similarities were what she loved most. He was the very best of Max. “Um,” she said, breaking the silence. “I'll walk you guys out if you're ready. I don’t think it’d be the best thing for him to see Max when they move him from his room.” 

“Sure,” his Mother replied. “That’s a good idea.” 

Lauren followed behind as they made their way through the hospital to the atrium, no doubt knowing she would soon be needed. “I’ll call you with any updates,” Helen said as they came to a stop. “Feel free to call me if you have any questions. There is plenty of milk in the freezer, so take whatever you think you'll need. We usually feed him by 6:30, and then give him a bath immediately after. We read him a story before putting him down for the night. It doesn't matter what book you choose, he just likes to be talked to as he's rocked to sleep. I don't know how well he'll sleep being out of his routine, so I'm sorry if...." 

“Helen,” she smiled. “We’re going to be fine. If he wakes during the night, we’ll be ok. Don’t worry about us.”

There were so many things running through her mind. Things she was desperately trying to remember to minimize the changes Meyer would experience. She knew it was only for a few nights, but the thought of the little one being upset or missing them broke her heart. 

Max’s Dad searched through the diaper bag on his wife’s arm, pulling out a small container of snacks. “Look what I’ve got, Meyer! These are some of your favorites!” 

Meyer rested his head on her shoulder, keeping a watch on his grandfather but making no effort to move from her arms. Helen kissed his head, “You see what Grandpa has? You want to go with him and have your snack?” Though he didn’t fully understand what was being said, Helen felt his tiny hands hold on to her tighter, and she knew there would be no easy way to hand him over. “Meyer,” she said, kissing his head. “Mummy doesn’t want to leave you, but I have to stay with Daddy. You’ll have fun with Grandma and Grandpa!” 

Max’s Mother stepped forward, resting her hand on the baby’s back. “Meyer,” she said sweetly. “Come on, sweetheart! Grandpa has a snack, and we’re going to go to the park!” The baby perked up at the sound of getting to go outside, knowing exactly what the word park meant, but kept his grip on Helen. Deciding to get it over with, Helen pried his little hands from her and handed him over to his grandmother. 

“You’re ok, Meyer,” Max’s Mother said as the baby started crying, reaching for Helen. “Shhh, you’re going to be fine. We’ll see Mommy and Daddy tomorrow.” 

“Ma ma,” the baby cried, reaching his little hands out for her. She wanted to take him back, keep him there with her, but she knew she couldn’t. Stepping forward, she took Meyer’s little hand in her own as she kissed his forehead. “You’re ok, baby. I love you.” 

“Hey, Meyer,” Max’s Dad said, handing the baby his sippy cup as the little one pushed it away and continued crying. 

Helen could tell Max’s Mother didn’t know what to do at that moment. She could see the torn look on her face and knew she didn’t want to do the wrong thing by taking him while he was so upset. “Just take him,” she said quietly, her voice breaking as the baby’s cries continued. She felt Lauren’s hand on her shoulder as she watched them exit the building with the screaming baby still reaching for her from his grandmother’s arms.

She quickly made her way to the nearest bathroom, not wanting to lose control of her emotions in front of colleagues and hospital visitors. She was tired of being strong, but she didn't want to have to explain herself to the attention she knew she'd attract. “They’ve gotten Max settled in ICU,” Lauren said, following her into the empty bathroom. 

Helen grabbed a tissue as she stood in front of the mirror and wiped her eyes. “Why did they go up on his oxygen before we left?”

“Pulmonology wants to keep his oxygen saturation above 93%, so they had to adjust his oxygen a bit,” she explained. “I’m not sure how often they’ll draw blood gasses, but he’s settled down a lot from when he first came in. He’s received his first round of antibiotics, those are ordered every 24 hours, and they’ve ordered nebulizer treatments every 4 hours. He’s stable, Helen, so you just need to focus on getting him better. It’s all going to be ok.” 

She nodded, wanting so badly to believe her friend but being far too worried to calm down. Oncology patients could turn on a dime, she knew that better than anyone, so she wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else until he was out of the woods. “I should have made him come in yesterday. He coughed most of the night, tossed and turned unable to sleep, but kept insisting he was fine. I should have stayed home this morning and insisted he come in first thing.” 

“It’s Max,” Lauren said. “Do you honestly think he would have made that easy on you?” 

She turned to look at Lauren, knowing her friend didn’t deserve the breakdown she needed to have, “He doesn’t make _anything_ easy on me! He’s a grown man, Lauren. A doctor! He knew when this went from a simple upper respiratory infection to something more serious, and he still remained his usual defiant self! Now he’s in Intensive Care, I’m here with him, and our son is staying with his parents! I’m not saying this could have been avoided, but I am saying that I’m frustrated with him right now. I love him so much, and I’m scared to death, but I am frustrated.”

Lauren stepped forward, wrapping her in a hug, and the guilt she felt at admitting that hit almost instantly. “I’m sorry,” she said, pulling away from her friend. “I shouldn’t have said….” 

“What?” Lauren asked. “That he’s stubborn to an annoying degree? That he was smart enough to know it wasn’t just a cold he was dealing with? That you’re tired, and that handing Meyer over so you can stay with him was hard? None of those things are untrue, Helen, and you absolutely deserve to say them. I know you love Max, but that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. It doesn’t make you love him any less to admit that.” 

“I’m tired of this nightmare,” Helen admitted. “I’m tired of watching him go through this, never catching a break. He’s one of the best people I know, and he deserves to leave this behind him and get back to what he loves to do. He doesn’t deserve to be sidelined by one thing after another. I know how unfair life is, I’ve made a career out of it, but I’ve never had to sit by and watch….” 

Lauren understood what she couldn’t bring herself to finish saying. She had never had to stand by and watch someone she loved as much as she loved Max suffer through such an unfair and unforgiving disease. She had never felt heartbreak quite the way she had felt it since his diagnosis, and she had never wanted anything as much as she wanted to leave this nightmare behind so they could move forward with their life together. “I need to stop by my office and get a few things before going up to ICU.”

“I’ll be leaving work in a couple hours and will go get anything you need,” Lauren told her. 

“Thank you,” Helen said, following her out of the bathroom. “I’ll text you what I need and exactly where to find it. If you'll stop by upstairs before you go, I'll give you Max's key.” 

Lauren stopped, turning to look at her, and she could tell her friend was more concerned than she would ever say. The woman in front of her had been by her side through so much, and Helen knew she couldn’t hide anything from her. “You sure you’re going to be ok?” 

“I just need him to be ok,” she replied. 

“He’s going to be ok,” Lauren replied. “We’re going to make sure of it.” 

Helen wasn’t sure if people could look at her and tell she didn’t want to be bothered, or if word traveled fast around the hospital, but as she made her way to her office to gather what she needed to finish work, she remained unbothered by anyone. A part of her still felt ashamed for saying the things she did to Lauren, but she was struggling more than usual. She understood why Max refused to give in to his illness and make life easier, but she was tired of pretending it didn’t bother her. She was tired of pretending everything was fine. She was tired of pretending she didn’t need him to promise her everything would be ok. 

She quietly opened the door to his room, finding him resting in bed as the TV played in the background. No matter how poorly he felt, the smile on his face the moment he saw her never changed. She was fighting so many emotions, some she didn’t fully understand herself, but knowing she made his day better meant more to her than anything else at the moment. “Hey, you,” she smiled. 

“Meyer ok?” He asked, his voice a bit weaker than it had been before, and she knew he’d been dozing since being left alone. 

She made her way over to his bed, taking his hand in hers, and she couldn’t bring herself to tell him how upset the baby had been. “He’ll be fine. Your parents were taking him to the park, and you know as far as Meyer is concerned, the park fixes everything!"

“It does,” Max smiled. He moved over, patting the bed beside him, and she removed her shoes so she could lay down with him. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you before,” he apologized, wrapping an arm around her as she snuggled into his side. “I didn’t want to believe I was getting worse. I hate being the reason our life is like this.” 

Tears instantly clouded her vision, and she wanted to swear to him that he hadn’t complicated anything. She wanted to tell him she had never been frustrated by his actions. She wanted to tell him so many things, but at the moment, the only thing he needed to know was that she’d go to the ends of the earth for him. “I love you,” she said, kissing his cheek before resting her head on his chest once again. “The only thing that matters to me is getting you well.” 

They were silent for the longest time, content to lay there together as time passed. “I know you don’t like talking about this stuff,” he said, interrupting the quiet, and Helen was certain she didn’t want to hear whatever it was he had to say. “You don’t need to tell me that, because I know, but never having this conversation worries me more than anything, and….” 

“Max,” she said, sitting up next to him. “What is it? I may not like the conversation, but you know you can tell me anything.” 

He nodded, getting his thoughts together before continuing, “If something happens to me, you and Meyer will be taken care of. I know you don’t need anything from me, but everything I have is yours. I set some money aside for my parents and a trust up for Meyer, but everything else goes to you. The paperwork is in the safe at home. Everything you need to know is in there.” 

Helen swallowed the lump in her throat. The things he was saying were her worst nightmare, but she understood getting that off his chest would reassure him in some small way. No matter how stubborn he seemed, she knew everything he did was with her and Meyer in mind. Even if it made little sense to her at the time. “Ok,” she said. “I promise your parents will be taken care of, Max. You know that.” 

“I’d never ask you to stay here,” he continued. “I know you'd probably want to be close to your parents, and that is fine. I understand that. I don’t know what losing Meyer would do to Mom and Dad, but…”

“Max,” she said, the tears she’d been fighting so hard to keep hidden from him finally spilling over. “I’d never take Meyer from your parents. I don’t want to think about life without you, but I promise I’d never take him away from them. We’d make it work.” The truth was she would probably never be able to leave a place so intertwined with him. She'd fallen in love with him in this hospital, given birth to their son in this city, and she couldn't imagine ever being able to leave it behind. New York is where her life had truly begun.

He nodded, not saying anything else, and she could tell he was struggling with the conversation that was clearly upsetting her. "I just want you to be happy, Helen. Whatever that means for you. If you meet somebody else…”

“Max,” she said, tears pouring as she lost the battle with her emotions. She couldn’t imagine her heart ever loving beyond him. She couldn’t imagine ever wanting it to. She could imagine mourning him for the rest of her life, raising their son the way he would have wanted, and the thought of allowing anyone else in was the furthest thing from her mind. Max was everything, all of the above, and there would never be anyone else. 

“If that’s what you want,” he continued. “I want you to be happy, Helen. There’s no way he could ever love you as much as I do, but I’m sure he’d do.” 

She laughed through her tears, “He’d do?” 

He shrugged, “We can’t ask for miracles.” 

She smiled, reaching out to run her fingers through his hair, “You’re the only miracle I’ve ever asked for, ok? You.”

“I’m working on it,” he grinned, wrapping an arm around her once again as she rested next to him. “If you want another baby, even if I’m not here, I want you to do that. If you want Meyer to have a sibling, I don't want you to doubt yourself for a second. If you want to do IVF, do it. If you don’t, that’s ok too, but I know you can do anything you set your mind to. Even having two Goodwin babies without me there to help.” 

She cried into his chest, having no idea how he managed to find it in himself to tell her that. It was the most selfless thing she’d ever witnessed. He was selfless enough to want that for her knowing he’d never see it. “You’re going to be around to see those Goodwin babies grow up. I’m still not having more than two, but you’re going to see them grow up, Max. As soon as Virginia tells us that you’re in remission, because she will, I’m making an honest man out of you, and we’re making our spoiled only child a big brother, deal?” 

Max smiled as she placed a kiss on his lips. “So, you admit only children are spoiled?”

Helen laughed, “I know you aren’t trying to pretend you didn’t spend the majority of your life as an only child.” 

“Takes one to know one,” he defended.

She smiled, resting her head against his chest once again, and for the first time in hours, she actually felt content. She prayed the conversation he so desperately wanted to have was for nothing. There was no guarantee this would work out in his favor, no guarantee he would be around to see everything she wanted for them, but in his arms, feeling the rise and fall of his chest, she could almost believe it.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I have no real medical knowledge, so please accept this as my disclaimer for any glaring mistakes you may find. I had to consult a few friends who do have medical knowledge, and I tried my hardest to make sense of everything I learned so I could incorporate it into the story properly. Thank you to everyone who reads and supports this product of my imagination!

As a doctor, there were patients Helen would always remember, though there was usually no particular rhyme or reason as to who those patients turned out to be. Sometimes, it was a patient who most likely remained in the minds of every healthcare professional who came in contact with them. It was their infectious personality, or maybe it was the fascinating details of their case. Other times, there was no glaring reason as to why a specific patient remained in her memory forever. It could be something as simple as a brief exchange she had with them, or it could be a near miss in their case that no one else caught before her. There was always _something_ , but it rarely followed a logical path. 

During one of her last years of Residency, Helen encountered one of those patients. It was an older man with brain cancer, and his days had been numbered from the moment of diagnosis. There would never be any cure, only the hope of more time with the right treatment regimen. He chose to battle the disease, confiding in her he was only doing so for his wife, and she had grown fond of him. To most, he was quiet, one who the majority of the staff probably never noticed fell off the patient roster after his death, but to Helen…..he was one she would remember forever. 

Helen could remember his final days as a patient under her care as if it had all happened yesterday. She could remember his prognosis and the comfort care she had suggested to his wife. She could remember the woman jerking awake every time she entered the room, startled, but knowing he hadn’t left her just yet. It was the most remarkable thing, the way his wife seemed to feel his presence around her without being told he was still hanging on, and Helen had truly learned to believe in the connection of soulmates when he’d finally slipped away. She entered the room to inform his wife of his passing as she’d slept, but she didn’t have to say a word. The moment his wife sat up from her place next to his bed, she knew he was no longer with her. She’d taken his hand in hers, kissed it goodbye, and stood to make a call to their children, never being told he was gone. 

For years, after caring for that man and his wife, Helen wondered if she would ever find a connection as strong as the one she had witnessed in that patient’s final hours. Mohammad had been her world, and she had watched as he slipped away, so afraid she would miss it if she dared to even blink. She eventually believed it was something that must come with time, a connection made stronger by decades spent together, but as she lay in Max’s ICU room watching the rise and fall of his chest, she discovered time had absolutely nothing to do with it. 

The BiPap machine delivering life saving air to the man she loved most almost drowned out the other sounds in the room. The steady beep of the heart monitor that had become soothing to her, the alarm she had almost been able to relegate to background noise when a particular vital sign wasn’t the exact number the doctor wanted, and the inhale and exhale of his breathing still much faster than it should be. Helen sat up on the sofa where she'd been resting, seeing he had finally gotten comfortable enough to drift off, and she didn’t want him disturbed. The past few days had been so difficult, he was fighting as hard as he could, and she wanted him left undisturbed, if only for a few extra minutes. 

She stood from where she’d been resting, folding her blanket and placing it at the end of the sofa, before quietly exiting the room to find the early morning hustle and bustle hadn’t yet started in the Intensive Care Unit. The night shift nurses sat quietly at the nurses' station as phlebotomy made their way from room to room, drawing morning labs. Everything looked normal in the predawn hours at New Amsterdam, but for Helen, nothing could be further from the normalcy she so desperately craved. It was this time in the morning that Meyer often woke, and she’d get up and bring him into their bed no matter how much Max picked on her for doing so. He’d tell her the little one would never learn to put himself back to sleep, but she knew he secretly loved the early morning snuggles with their baby as much as she did. 

It was so different from the nightmare they were currently living. The pneumonia had quickly taken over Max’s body, making it harder and harder for him to breathe, and she knew there weren’t many steps left to take between where he currently was and the last place she wanted him to be. He was resting at the moment, but changes in his status seemed to come out of nowhere, and the Pulmonologist on his case had already prepared them for the very real possibility a ventilator could be coming. On the outside, Max had been adamantly opposed, but she could tell by the look in his eyes that he knew everything the doctor said was true. He knew he was running out of options. 

“Dr. Sharpe,” Agnes smiled, looking up from the computer she was working at. Helen could remember getting the overnight shifts as a Resident doctor, believing those days would never end. They now seemed so long ago. “How’s Dr. Goodwin this morning?” 

“About the same,” she replied. “Finally resting, so I was coming to tell his nurse to hold off on morning labs until he’s awake.” She knew the staff had never seen her so casual and out of her element. Standing there in pajama pants and one of Max’s old t-shirts, she felt like the furthest thing from the current Medical Director. She felt exactly like the terrified fiancée and mother she was, the life of her loved one in the hands of everyone else, and she had never felt more helpless in her life than she had since Max had been sick. 

“I keep missing Meyer’s visits,” the young doctor smiled. “I’ve been covering nights all this week, but I hear about him when I get here. He makes all the Interns day!” 

Helen smiled. “I’m convinced he’s headed down the same path. He’s way too comfortable in the hospital to pick any other career, no matter how much Max and I may want him to.” The baby boy came in every day smiling and so happy to see everyone. None of the alarms, tubes, or uniformed personnel scared him at all. He would toddle all over the Intensive Care Unit if allowed, completely unbothered by the scary sights and noises often seen and heard there.

“I hear you,” Agnes laughed. “We go into medicine but warn everyone else to run as fast as they can in the opposite direction!” 

“We’d be wrong not to warn them,” Helen smiled, looking up to see Floyd enter the unit. No matter how much their friends tried to play it off, pretend it wasn’t the case, she knew they were taking turns hanging around the hospital at odd hours in case they were needed. They were all avoiding the elephant in the room. They were all avoiding discussing the fact that Max wasn’t improving at all.

Helen looked up at Floyd, who came to stand beside her, knowing he was going to dance around the truth before she ever asked the question. “Patient brought you in this early?” As the head of his department, Helen knew very well, there was no patient. He was at work this early because of Max. Their friends stayed later and arrived earlier, no matter if they were honest to her about it or not. She let it go because she would never be able to tell them just how much she appreciated it. She was surrounded by familiar faces but having someone there who truly knew and loved Max was a comfort. 

“Yeah,” he said, nodding in response. “You know how it is! How’s Max this morning?”

“About the same,” she replied. “They’ve still got him on BiPap, but had to adjust his settings several times during the night. He still sounds awful, he’s still tachypneic, but his blood gasses were stable last they checked them. I don’t know, Floyd…..” 

“It’s Max,” he replied. “If it were anyone else, I’d feel worse about this, but it’s Max.”

Helen would never disagree, though the fear she felt didn’t let up at all. It was true. If there was anyone who would make it through this, it was Max. He had a knack for making impossible situations possible, but still, she worried. She couldn’t put her past behind her, and she knew lighting could absolutely strike twice. “Agnes, if you see Giana, could you….” 

“I’ll tell her to hold off on Max’s labs for now,” she replied. “I think she’s in 10, so I’ll catch her the moment she comes out.” 

“Thank you,” Helen smiled, walking back toward Max’s room as Floyd followed her. Looking around, she could see other family members who were in the same awful limbo they were in. She had gotten to know their neighbors over the past week, and while it was comforting to know they weren’t alone, she hated the specific type of camaraderie they shared. She hated knowing any minute someone could deteriorate and the feeling of thankfulness she instantly had when it wasn’t Max. 

“Do you need anything?” Floyd asked. “I know you’re going to tell me that you’re fine, but it’s me, Helen. If you need a break, need to go home, need anything at all….” 

The first couple of days, she tried to live life as normally as possible. She worked, splitting her time between Max’s bedside and the rest of the hospital, but when he’d started to decline, she had taken a step back and hadn’t left his side except to shower and grab a bite to eat since. “I’m ok,” she replied. “My parents got in last night, so they’re getting Meyer first thing this morning so Max’s parents can be here more.” When her Father had dropped everything and made plans to come with her Mother, Helen knew it was as bad as she had tried to convince herself it wasn’t.

“That’s not a bad idea,” Floyd replied. “They at a hotel?”

“They were last night. They’re going to our place as soon as they pick him up.” They stepped into Max’s room, seeing his respiratory rate was faster than normal even as he slept, and Helen closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. “I don’t know how much longer he can do this,” she said quietly. “He’s so tired. This is the first time he’s actually slept all night.” 

“Allowing his body to rest isn’t the worst thing,” Floyd said, knowing as well as she did that an intervention was likely to come sooner rather than later unless a miraculous change occurred. Max had pushed himself to the limit, and time was no longer on his side. “I know it’s the last thing you want to hear, but being in control isn’t the worst thing.” 

“I know,” she agreed. “He was just so against it yesterday when it was mentioned. He’s scared, Floyd, and I can’t push anything on him knowing how scared he is.” 

He didn’t have to tell her his exact fear. She knew very well he was afraid if he went on a ventilator that he would never come off. He worried that he would be making a decision that would lessen his time with them, no matter if it would give him the rest he so desperately needed or not. That was Max. He only thought of them when no one would blame him for finally thinking of himself for once. Helen wasn’t sure if placed in the same situation that she wouldn’t have already chosen rest.

“There’s no guarantee that would happen,” Floyd said. “I see lots of patients, some in worse shape than him, go on for a few days and make it off just fine. If he keeps going like this….”

“I know,” Helen said, ending the conversation before she completely fell apart. She couldn’t think about what would happen if…..she just couldn’t. “I know. I just hope it doesn’t come to that.” 

She could tell by the look on Floyd’s face that he understood. He wouldn’t push it any further. “You sure I can’t get you anything? Breakfast? Coffee?” 

“I’m ok,” she promised. Even if she were hungry, her stomach wouldn't allow her to eat. She was full of nothing but nerves and fear, and it wasn’t a good combination. “His parents will be here in a bit, and they always bring more food than anyone can possibly eat, so I’ll get something then.”

Floyd gave her a hug, leaving her standing in Max’s room, and she had never wanted to follow him back to normal life more than she did at that moment. She would trade this for almost anything. Give her the most chaotic situation, the angriest patient, the most pointless board meeting, absolutely anything besides the mountain she was watching Max climb all by himself. She longed for days spent texting him about crazy situations she encountered, knowing only he could truly appreciate whatever she found herself in the middle of as she ran the hospital. She wanted to go home to him at night, knowing he truly cared about her day and wanted to know every detail. She wanted to laugh about things no one else would find funny except for Max. She wanted to curl up in his arms at night, feeling truly content and at peace for the first time in her very long, exhausting day.

More than anything, she wanted her best friend back.

She made her way over to his bed, reaching out to run her fingers through his hair as she kissed his forehead. Normally, he would have been awake at the first touch, but he was so exhausted. Not wanting to disturb him, she went back to the sofa and took a seat, watching his every breath. In these moments, she remembered why she had decided she would never get close to anyone again after losing Mohammad. The pain she felt as she watched the extra effort he had to put forth to breathe was unbearable, but she realized she wouldn't trade it for anything. She wouldn’t trade him for anything. Not even if someone promised she’d never feel this kind of pain again. 

The moment she met him, she should have known ever living without him was a lost cause. He was the sunlight she had so desperately needed in her world, the laughter that had been missing for so long, and the person who seemed to get in her in every way she’d been misunderstood before. It was the butterflies she felt every time she saw him, the way her heart almost skipped a beat when she saw him smile. Simply put, Max Goodwin made her believe soulmates weren’t just something she heard about happening to other people. Max Goodwin was everything she never believed she would find.

She smiled to herself as she watched him, quietly laughing at the thought she could have ever made it through the past year without him in her life. She’d told him she was pregnant, let him know when her first doctor’s appointment was scheduled and convinced herself he’d never show up. She had known all along he would. It didn’t matter what their circumstances were or if the baby was a boy or a girl, the moment he saw that tiny blip on the screen, he was all in. He had fallen so hard. He’d been so proud of their son from the moment they knew he was a boy, bragging that he had always known, and the connection between him and their little boy was so strong that Helen believed maybe he always had. 

_They heard a knock at the door, seeing Max appear, and Helen smiled from where she lay on the exam table. He had never been late for an appointment, and while she promised him repeatedly they were in no hurry, he had still called twice and text multiple times to let her know his ETA. The only thing that mattered to him was making it for their big ultrasound, and even if she had to push multiple appointments that afternoon, there was no way she would have started without him._

_“I’m sorry,” he apologized, closing the door, and immediately making his way over to the exam table. “Hospital is crazy today. I apologize for being late.” She tried to think of him when scheduling prenatal appointments, knowing he had to come to a different location and that certain times of the day were easier for him to get away than others. Today’s appointment fell right in the middle of the busiest time for him, but he promised he’d be there, and he had kept that promise._

_He took a seat on the stool next to her, taking her hand in his, “Ready to find out you’re wrong?”_

_Helen laughed, rolling her eyes, “I just want to see your face when she tells us it’s a girl.” She had always heard about mother’s intuition, and she was certain it was telling her they were having a daughter. She found herself drawn to girl names, girl clothing, and all the ideas she had for the nursery at her place were for a girl. The thought had crossed her mind that she may be clinging to that hope because she had no idea what to do with a son. It was no secret she favored her routine, what she knew to be true, and change scared her to death. This baby scared her to death, but she could see herself with a daughter. She felt comfortable with the idea of a daughter. When asked, Max would say he didn’t care what the baby was, but she had a feeling he was clinging to the hope it was a boy for the very same reasons. “You know it’s a girl, Max.”_

_“I do not know that,” he smiled, placing his hand on her stomach, instantly being rewarded with kicks. It had taken a while for him to freely touch her again the way he used to. He was so afraid of pushing too much, doing the wrong thing, but she desperately wanted him to bond with his son or daughter._

_“You can’t be right about this, because whoever is in there only does that for you.” Even though she picked on him for being able to get a reaction out of the unborn baby far more than she was able to, Helen was thankful for the connection. Max had struggled so badly when it came to the belief he could do this, and most days, he still struggled, but these moments were proof that the heart she felt an instant connection to was leading him._

_“So, boy or girl, Daddy is the favorite already?” The OB laughed, squirting some ultrasound gel on Helen’s abdomen._

_“As much as I hate to admit it,” Helen smiled, looking up at Max, whose eyes were already locked on the screen. “He or she totally responds to his voice. Probably gets tired of hearing me all of the time.”_

_“I wasn’t going to say anything,” Max grinned._

_The doctor moved the ultrasound transducer around Helen’s abdomen, taking various measurements and making sure all of the baby’s organs looked as they should. “We’re head down today,” she explained. “Still have time to flip back and forth for now, but in the coming weeks, we look for baby to flip this way and stay.”_

_“Hands in front of its face,” Max smiled. “Like always. Doesn’t want to be disturbed.”_

_No matter how many weeks passed, the little one on the screen would always be surreal to her. This baby had come out of nowhere, finding its way to them when they needed it most, and she was so in love with whoever was on the screen that she often found it hard to talk as much as Max did through the exam. Watching his fear subside long enough to allow these brief moments of bonding was everything to her. It was these moments that let her know, somehow, everything would be ok._

_The sound of their baby’s heart filled the room, and she couldn’t help the tears that suddenly clouded her vision. “Is that?” Max asked, leaning over her to point to the screen. “One...two...three...four chambers there, right?”_

_“Four chambers,” the OB smiled. “And there,” she said, highlighting it on the screen as he watched on mesmerized. “Is the aorta. And there the foramen ovale. Looks like a perfect fetal heart to me in this view! I’ll come back to it before the scan is finished and get some more images and measurements, but everything looks great so far!”_

_“Wow,” he said, unable to tear his eyes away. It amazed her that he ever doubted his love for the baby on the screen. He was so interested in everything, so willing to drop anything to be there, and though Helen knew he still doubted himself, she knew he’d be the perfect father. Despite the mess they had made of things, their baby would never suffer because of it._

_“Ok,” the OB said, laughing. “Moment of truth here. And we’ve got everything out in the open, so if you guys want to take a look….”_

_Max burst out laughing before Helen even realized what she was looking at. “Tell me you don’t see that, Helen! Tell me you don’t see it!”_

_“If **that’s** what I think it is,” Helen smiled. “Yes, I see it.” _

_“That’s what you think it is,” the OB laughed. “He wanted no mistakes made today when it came to determining he's a boy.”_

_That quickly, she was totally in love with their baby boy, even if she had never expected him. She had no idea what little boys liked to do or what toys they enjoyed playing with, she had absolutely no idea how to raise a son for the world around them, but she had faith they could figure it out. All thoughts of having a daughter quickly evaporated, and it had always been him. It had always been the not so shy little boy on the screen. “We’re having a boy,” she laughed._

_“We’re having a boy,” Max replied, the smile on his face bigger than she could ever remember. “I told you! I’ve been telling you!”_

_“You have,” she laughed. “My Mum isn’t going to know what to do. She’s already stockpiled girl clothes!” She knew her parents, especially her Father, would be thrilled to find out they had a grandson on the way. Helen knew this news wouldn’t slow her Mother down at all, and she would be back in the shops buying everything she could for the baby boy._

_“So have you,” Max pointed out. “Do you have one single thing for a boy?”_

_“No,” she smiled, touching her stomach as the little one moved around, obviously sensing the excitement. “I’ll fix that,” she laughed. “I promise. You won’t have to wear girl clothes.”_

_“You almost had a girly room started, buddy,” Max said, sweetly placing his hand next to hers, and that nickname was the first time he had ever addressed the baby as anything specific. It was the first time he seemed to connect to the tiny person in her womb and not just the idea of him. “Mommy had a whole plan.”_

_“Still measuring on track, so this little guy’s due date remains August 14th,” the doctor explained as she continued the scan._

_“It’s going to be so hot,” Helen whined._

_Max smiled, “I was born right after a snow storm. My parents still talk about how cold it was. I guess it’s one extreme or the other with us Goodwin men.”_

_“When is your birthday?” The OB asked, busy taking more measurements as they watched on, happy to see every little part of their son._

_“February 10th,” Max replied. “Record-breaking cold that day the year my sister and I were born.”_

_“This should surprise me,” Helen said, smiling when he looked down at her. “But it doesn’t. I mean, I knew when your birthday was, but you never told me it was a record-breaking cold day. He’ll probably come during a record-breaking heatwave.”_

_"I'll talk to him," Max smiled. "Tell him to pick an unseasonably cold day to make his entrance. He'll listen to me. You know I'm the favorite."_

_Helen playfully rolled her eyes, "Shut up."_

She suddenly woke to the sound of an alarm, and she realized she had dozed off when she saw daylight through the window. She quickly stood, making her way over to Max’s bed, finding him wide awake and working harder to breathe than he had been. “Max,” she said, adjusting the settings a bit more before hitting the button on his bed to call staff into the room. “You’re ok. Everything is going to be ok.”

The instant those blue eyes locked with hers, she knew this was it. She knew he had gone as far as he could go and needed extra help. The moment she had been dreading with everything in her the past couple of days had now arrived. He would never make the decision, never tell her he was too exhausted to keep going the way he was going, and she wasn’t sure she could find the strength to make it for him, but she would have to. She watched the monitor as his numbers started climbing back to a stable level and took a deep breath, “Try to slow it down a bit.” 

The room suddenly filled with nurses, respiratory personnel, and the Pulmonologist who had taken over his case since he’d been in ICU. Each one had the same look of defeat on their faces, and Helen knew the sinking feeling in her gut wasn’t an overreaction. “Let’s draw another set of arterial blood gasses,” the doctor instructed. “Max,” he said. “We’re going to see how your numbers look, but we’re reaching the end of the road here, I’m afraid. If you’re the least bit acidotic, I think we need to look at going on a ventilator for a few days to give your lungs a rest.”

Max shook his head, taking her hand in his, and she could see the tears in his eyes when he looked up at her. “I,” he started to say, stopping to get a breath. 

“No,” she said, holding his hand as the arterial blood was drawn, and she hoped with everything in her she could make it through this. She hoped she could find the strength somewhere down inside of her to do what was best for him, even if her heart was shattering into more pieces than she ever thought possible. “Max, you need to rest. It’ll just be for a few days, and you need to rest.” 

The next several minutes were a blur, but the world around her seemed to stop, and all she could focus on was him. She wanted to believe this was the answer. She wanted to believe giving him the rest he so desperately needed was the key to getting him better and back home with them. She could see the team of professionals assembling what was needed for intubation, and she knew the arterial blood gas results were simply a formality….everyone in that room knew they’d reached the moment they’d all been trying to prevent for days.

Helen saw as a single tear slipped out of the corner of his eye, and she had to reach to the deepest part of herself to keep from falling apart in front of him. “Max,” she said. “Look at me.” The moment his eyes met hers, she felt herself slipping, and she wasn’t sure that she could stop it. “It’s going to be ok. I’m going to be right here.” 

The Pulmonologist reentered the room, coming over to the bedside, “Max, your pCO2 is elevated, so we’re going to have to intervene before you get into some real trouble. You need more support than we can offer you right now. We’ll let your lungs get the rest they need and then start weaning you off, ok? You told me to tell you when we were here, and I am telling you now that we’re here.” Max nodded, never taking his eyes off her, and she knew he understood this was the only way. He had finally reached that conclusion.

“Let’s set up for intubation,” the doctor said, and his voice trailed off as she reached out, cupping his face as tears poured from his eyes.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” she replied, unable to say anything more for fear she would totally lose every ounce of control she was desperately hanging on to. Her heart was breaking, but she couldn’t allow him to see it. His only concern was her and their son, and the last thing she wanted him to see before becoming unconscious was her falling apart.

“Tell Meyer,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper but breaking with emotion.

“You’ll tell him yourself,” she said. “He’ll be here waiting for you when you’re better, I promise.”

The doctor moved to the head of the bed as the rest of the staff got into their places to proceed with intubation. “Ok, Max, we’re ready…..” 

Ignoring the man standing over him, Max grasped her hand tighter than she could ever remember him holding it, and she knew she couldn't leave him. Watching him rendered unconscious and a tube put down his throat would be almost unbearable, but she couldn’t leave him. She wouldn't. “I love you,” he whispered, eyes full of tears. “I love you, I love you, I love you….so much....” 

“Shh,” she whispered, leaning down to kiss his forehead. “I love you. Meyer loves you. You’re ok. It’s going to be ok.” Her eyes stayed locked on him until the moment his eyes closed, and she felt the grip he had on her hand loosen as the medication they gave him quickly took effect.

“Helen, you don’t have to stay for this,” the doctor said, preparing to intubate.

“Go ahead,” she said tearfully, and she knew she couldn’t leave him. She had to stay until she made sure he was safely on the ventilator and responding appropriately. The team quickly got Max intubated, connecting him to the ventilator and adjusting settings as his vitals fell in the appropriate parameters. 

“Dr. Sharpe,” a nurse said quietly, tears in her eyes as she worked. “I need to….” The nurse was holding a wrist restraint in her hands, and for a split second, Helen wanted to protest. She wanted to tell the woman she wasn’t keeping him secured to the bed, but she knew it was for his safety. She knew the woman was just doing her job, following the protocols put in place to keep their patients safe. As harsh as it seemed, Helen knew everyone in the room was simply doing their job. 

“Of course,” Helen said, wiping the tears from her cheeks and finally releasing his hand as the nurse secured the restraint around his wrist.

“We’ll recheck arterial blood gasses in 15 minutes,” the doctor informed her. “See how he’s doing with these settings. As soon as we get him where I want him to be, the plan is to allow his body to rest. We’ll keep a watch on his blood gasses and continue with the medication regimen he’s on. Taking the work of breathing off of him is going to help. Do you want me to come explain all of this to his parents?” 

It suddenly hit her that his parents were in the waiting room, completely unaware their son had taken a turn and was now on life support. Everything had happened so fast, logically she knew she didn’t have time to get them, but the guilt she felt at them being in the dark was overwhelming at the moment. “No,” she replied. “I’ll tell them. If you could just keep me posted.” 

“Of course,” he said. “I’ll stay here until the next gasses are drawn and call you as soon as I have the results.”

Wordlessly, she exited Max’s room and made her way through the ICU as the day went on around her as if her entire universe hadn’t just shifted. The hole she felt in her heart was unbearable, and for the first time in as long as she could remember, she felt alone. It was absurd, she knew that, but without Max, a piece of her was missing. She was surrounded by friends and family, their love and support unwavering, but the absence of him was stronger than anything else. 

Taking a deep breath, she entered the waiting room and saw his parents chatting as they looked at a magazine together. His Mother looked up, seeing her before she said a word, and the woman was out of her seat, knowing something was wrong. “Helen?” 

“Max, um,” she began. “He’s stable. Before I tell you anything else, just know he’s stable, but he started to deteriorate quickly, there wasn’t time to come get you, and….” That quickly, her resolve finally slipped, and she started crying, standing in front of Max’s terrified parents, who hadn’t gotten a chance to see their son before he was placed on life support. 

Rather than anger, an emotion Helen was certain she would have felt if it were Meyer’s life hanging in the balance, Helen felt Max’s Mother’s arms around her as she completely lost her battle she’d been fighting since the nightmare had started. “I’m sorry, I….”

“Helen, no,” his Mother said. “No, don’t you apologize.” The woman started crying as they held one another, unable to do anything but cry for the man they both loved more than anything. His Mother pulled back, cupping Helen’s face in her hands. “Don’t you apologize, ok? We understand, and as long as you were with him, that’s enough.”

Helen nodded, trying to get control of herself, “I was with him. I stayed until it was done.” 

“That’s all that matters,” she said. 

Max’s Father hugged her before comforting his wife. “What’s next?” 

“They’re going to leave him on the ventilator for a couple of days. Allow his body to rest and fight off the infection and then wean him off,” she explained. “His doctor said nothing would change tonight, probably not tomorrow, but we’ll hopefully start seeing improvement in his labs and x-rays.” 

“I want you to listen to me,” his Mother said, taking Helen’s hands in her own. “Nothing is going to change. You said that yourself. There is nothing you can do for Max, but there is a little boy at home who needs you. Let us….”

“No,” Helen said, unable to imagine leaving Max. 

“Helen,” she interrupted. “Let us stay with Max. One of us will stay at his bedside the entire time. We’ll rotate in and out. You let us stay with Max, and you go home to spend time with Meyer tonight. Go home, sleep in your own bed, and you’ll be back first thing tomorrow morning. That’s what Max would want. He would want you to be with Meyer right now.” 

The only thing keeping her from walking out of the waiting room and back to Max’s side was knowing everything his Mother said was true. Since he’d been hospitalized, Max had wanted her to go home to be with Meyer. If he’d gotten his way, she would have left him every night to go be with their son, but she couldn’t. Until now, she couldn’t. 

As soon as she’d gotten word that Max had stabilized, labs exactly where the doctor wanted them, she quietly made her way out of New Amsterdam and to a waiting taxi. She had purposefully avoided anyone on her way out, praying nobody would stop her, especially those closest to her. She knew they were concerned, knew seeing her would probably help them in some way, but she only had enough energy to get home to their son. She didn’t have it in her to reassure anyone else. She didn’t have it in her to fight the flood of emotions she was feeling at the moment.

The walk into their building, knowing Max’s life hung in the balance, was strange. She saw him with every corner she turned and every step she took. She saw him insisting on allowing Meyer to navigate the lobby all by himself, no matter if the walk to the elevators took three times as long as if they had just picked the baby up and carried him. She saw the rapport he had built with all of their neighbors, always greeting them with a smile and friendly word. New Yorkers could often be tough nuts to crack, but they were no match for his personality. He could win anyone over, herself included, and the world needed Max Goodwin. The world needed him so much. 

Helen entered the apartment, finding everything the same, but also somehow different. It was too quiet without the sound of Max’s voice and Meyer’s laughter. Everything was in its proper place, no toys had made it all the way to the front door, and the way her heart fell was almost physically painful. 

“Helen?” Her Father said, standing from his place on the sofa and quickly making his way over to her. “We weren’t expecting you home! Your Mother just put Meyer down for a nap!”

“Max got worse and had to go on a ventilator,” she said, hearing the words coming from her mouth but feeling totally numb. “His breathing was worse, his labs started looking worse, and he needed rest.” Someone else was talking, there was no way she was explaining this to her Father. She stepped back from him when he reached out to take her in his arms. “Dad, no…” 

The second he pulled her against him, she was sobbing into his chest, and if he hadn’t been holding her up, she would have hit the ground. She could pretend with anyone else, hold herself together, but not with him. Never with him. “It’s ok,” he whispered. “We’re here.” 

She felt her Mother's arms wrap around her and heard her Father explain the situation in a muffled tone as the world continued to carry on around her in a blur. She wanted to believe this would be successful and that it was just a small set back, but she was so scared. She was so terrified of everything that could happen, terrified of living a life without him. At some point, her Dad pulled away, and her Mother took her into her arms completely. 

“I’m going to stay with his parents,” her Dad explained, gathering his things as her Mother kept her in an embrace. “You get some rest, be with Meyer, and I’ll be there as long as you need.” A year ago, her Father could barely stomach Max, and now he was rushing to be at his bedside. “I’ll call if anything changes at all.” He kissed her on the head as he made his way to the door, and she didn’t have it in her to stop him. She didn’t have it in her to tell him she could handle it, and there was no reason he should rush to get there. She simply didn’t have it in her. 

Her Mother kept an arm around her, directing her to Meyer’s room. “No, I don’t want to wake him up. He needs his nap.”

Her Mother opened the door to the baby’s room, and the moment she spotted him in his crib, his little bottom in the air as he slept, her tears started all over again. He was so peaceful, so unaware of the chaos and uncertainty surrounding him. “You need to hold this baby,” her Mother said, releasing her to go get Meyer from his crib. The little one sleepily blinked open his eyes the moment his Grandmother lifted him from the bed, briefly noticing Helen before he snuggled up against her the second he was in her arms. “This is what you need right now. You need to hold this baby.” 

Helen held the little one to her, breathing his baby scent in, and the feeling of him in her arms was the only thing to bring her peace since the nightmare had started. She quietly exited the nursery, knowing she didn’t have to explain anything to her Mother, and slowly made her way to their bedroom. She hadn’t slept in their bed since the last night Max was home, and it felt so empty without him. The room was far too quiet, the banter they usually had between them as they got ready for bed missing, and the bed was too big without him. 

She laid down where Max normally slept, keeping Meyer cradled against her as the baby continued sleeping, his tiny hands keeping a grip on her shirt. The scent of Max was still in his pillow, that comforting scent that made her feel so safe, so protected, and she missed him with everything in her. She missed feeling his arms around her at night. She missed the gentle rise and fall of his chest against her back as he held her. The tears came as she held their son tightly against her, and for the first time since everything started, she let herself go. The sobs poured out of her as her tears fell, and she finally let herself feel the weight of his absence. She finally let herself feel the weight of a world without Max. 


	20. Chapter 20

Two days had come and gone. 

Then days three and four passed uneventfully. 

Day five had been the worst. Day five was the day Helen was certain they were going to lose him, but somehow, he’d managed to hang on despite everything his body had been through. 

It had now been six excruciatingly long days since Max had gone on the ventilator, and she knew each day that passed only lessened the chances he’d come off a little more. No matter how hard he was fighting, and he absolutely was, she knew sometimes the fight was impossible. He needed a miracle, and Helen wasn’t feeling very optimistic that one was waiting in the wings to surprise them. Not that she was at all ready to admit that. 

Helen sat by his bed, keeping his hand in her own, trying not to be overwhelmed by everything surrounding her. The ventilator alone seemed harsh when it came to someone she loved, and the tubes delivering medication he needed to stay alive reminded her just how precarious his condition was. The catheter bag with only a scant amount of urine in it reminded her how more than just his lungs were in trouble now. The feeding tube threaded from his nose down to his stomach reminded her he had been unable to take in any nutrition for days. There wasn’t a single part of him that wasn’t being kept in a very delicate balance by something foreign, and underneath it all was Max. Her Max. The man she loved more than anything and was certain she couldn’t live without. 

The infection had been relentless, taking over his entire body, and the day before had been the worst day he’d faced since his cancer diagnosis months ago. Worse than the day she discovered he had cancer and had no idea if he would ever wake again. The chemotherapy had ripped his ability to fight infection away, and the simple cold had taken over, quickly becoming pneumonia and growing more aggressive as each day passed. Helen was certain anyone with a weaker will would have already succumbed to the onslaught his body had endured. She was certain the only reason he was still hanging on was because he was Max. Max didn’t know when to quit. He didn’t know when to admit it was over. He never really had. 

It was one of the most helpless feelings she had ever felt in her life. She was a doctor who couldn’t fix someone she loved, an Oncologist. She had fixed countless patients, given them a second chance at life, but there was nothing she could do for the one person she needed to get well, the one person she needed to survive. As she sat there, she realized that she didn’t know when to quit either. She didn’t know when to admit enough was enough. Not when it came to him. 

She heard a knock at the door, seeing Lauren appear as she slid the glass door open and stepped inside. “I came to sit with him,” her friend said. “I know you’ve got a meeting with his doctors in a few minutes and that you have a hard time leaving him.” Leaving hadn’t been so hard in the beginning; she was able to step away for short amounts of time to clear her mind. Now it was difficult to leave him long enough to shower or eat, and their daily conferences with his doctors were more of a burden than anything. “His parents are waiting outside.” 

“Oh,” Helen said, standing. “Tell them to come in.” 

The toll the past week had taken on Max’s parents had been almost unbearable to witness. They were exhausted, it was so easy for Helen to see that, but they refused to leave the hospital. She was certain they were reliving the nightmare they’d experienced with their daughter, and almost as much as she wanted him back for her and Meyer, she wanted his parents to have their son back also. She wanted this to end well for them as much as she wanted it for herself. 

Despite the pain they’d experienced over the past few days, the staff of New Amsterdam had embraced them completely, refusing to take no for an answer when it came to making sure they had time to eat, sleep, or shower. _Anything for Dr. Goodwin’s family_ , she’d hear multiple times a day, and she knew this hospital was feeling the absence of him acutely. He was everywhere she turned, in everything she saw within these walls, and he’d left a Max sized hole in the very foundation of the hospital. 

“How’s he doing this morning?” Max’s Mom asked the moment she entered the room, making her way over to his bed to place her hand on his shoulder.

“Better than yesterday,” Helen replied. The day before, as she watched staff she had gotten to know well over her years at New Amsterdam work tirelessly to stabilize him, she knew in her heart everything humanly possible that could be done was being done. Every person in the room refused to give up on him, several of the staff breaking down in the hallway after everything was over, and Helen knew he was truly loved. She knew he had changed the lives of so many people, renewing their hope in a hospital most had given up on. He had come there during such an uncertain time, was rebuffed by most who had no faith in the system, and somehow he had managed to win the hearts of them all. “He’s better than he was yesterday, but the medication is keeping his blood pressure stable. He’s not well enough to come off any of it right now.” 

Being honest with his parents had always been her top priority. She never wanted to insult them by downplaying the seriousness, but she’d be lying if she said the look on his Mother’s face as she explained the gravity of the situation didn’t shatter her. It did. It absolutely did, and she hated it more than hearing it herself. His Mom reached out, running her fingers through his hair, “He’s still fighting. That’s all that matters.”

Helen could see the unshed tears in his Father’s eyes as he stood next to his wife and maintained his silence. He’d been so stoic through it all, so strong, but she knew when he was by himself, he fell apart. The book he’d started reading aloud to Max days ago, one of his favorites, sat unfinished on the windowsill, ready for their next night together. She had no idea what conversations he had with Max during his time alone with him. No idea the things he probably got off his chest. More like his son than he would ever realize, she knew there were things he would only confess in the quietness of the night. He worried about remaining strong for everyone else when nobody would blame him for admitting he was just as terrified and lost. Since the beginning, Max had tried to be so strong for everyone else, only allowing himself that honesty a few times, and Helen knew it had to be exhausting. She knew the weight his Father was carrying for both of them was immense. 

“Dr. Stauton came by early this morning to tell us he was in remission,” Helen said, unsure if she should tell them but knowing they needed a bit of positive news. The news she had wanted to hear for so long had crashed into her like a ton of bricks, and she had cried for every ounce of unfairness the situation held. He had fought so hard, put his body through hell, and he hadn’t even gotten to hear he’d crossed the finish line. He hadn’t gotten to hear that he’d won. He’d made it through all of the sickness, exhaustion, feelings of defeat, and he had won. “His scans came back clear.” 

“You hear that?!” His Mother smiled, her tears spilling over as his Father kept a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “You did it! We just need you to get back to us so you can enjoy all those days you fought so hard for.” 

“You got a little boy waiting on you at home,” his Father added. “Promised him as soon as we get you out of here and on your feet again, we’re going to the park and staying all day!” 

Helen felt Lauren take her hand, knowing she needed extra support while seeing his parents plead for their son to return to them. There was so much uncertainty, so much against him, and Helen was scared to look one second ahead. She survived moment to moment, afraid of what could be around the next corner. She had yet to think about their life one day returning to normal. She was tired of bargaining with whatever entity might be listening. She was just tired, and the thought of living one second ahead of where they were was exhausting. 

“Dr. Sharpe,” a nurse said, poking her head into the room. “Dr. Bowen called and is on his way to the conference room.” 

“Thank you,” Helen said. She took a deep breath, dreading this meeting as much as she always did. There was never any good news. There were only more plans, more suggestions, and more hope that eventually, something would work. “They’re ready for us,” she said to his parents. “Lauren is going to sit with him while we meet with the doctor.” 

His Dad leaned down, kissing Max on the head, “You behave while we’re gone.” 

She followed his parents out of his room, the weight of what was ahead almost enough to pull her down. Every step she took felt heavier than the last, and she just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. She wanted to go back six days ago and hold him longer than she had, looking into those eyes she desperately needed to see again. She’d spent so much time trying to focus on keeping their lives as normal as possible that she’d missed moments with him that she would do anything to get back now. 

They entered the room to find Max’s Pulmonologist and Dr. Stauton waiting on them, their faces somber as ever, and Helen expected nothing positive to come out of this meeting. She had sat on their side of the table countless times, and she knew what a face void of emotion looked like. Void not because they didn’t care, but because if they had even the slightest chance of doing their jobs to the best of their ability, they had to lock what they felt away. They had to forget they were talking about the Max they both knew and had grown to love, the frustratingly wonderful guy they had watched turned this hospital upside down. 

“Helen, Mr. and Mrs. Goodwin,” the doctor said, taking a seat across from them next to Virginia. “When this started, you asked me to be as truthful with you as I possibly could be. I promised you that I would. I promised Max that I would. The conversation we’re about to have is one I hoped we’d never have to have, but we’ve reached the point I’d be doing a disservice to Max to go another day without having it.”

Helen took a deep breath, the empty feeling she had in the pit of her stomach becoming vast and open, full of pain and dread, and a thousand fears she never wanted to face. The lump in her throat was quickly becoming painful, and she wanted to cry. She wanted to scream at the doctor across from her, tell him she couldn't bear to hear the words she knew were coming, but she couldn't. All she could do was sit there silently, frozen in time, knowing she would never be able to forget this moment. “These are Max’s chest x-rays from this morning,” he explained, pulling the images up on a screen in the room. She didn’t need anything explained to her. They were everything she never wanted to see, the brutal truth glaring back at her in black and white. “As you can see, this was his chest x-ray from yesterday in comparison to this morning’s images. His respiratory distress has gotten worse, and we’ve been unable to change the settings on his ventilator.” 

She did her best to stay present and hear every word coming from a doctor she trusted completely. The urge to get up and run out of the room was overwhelming, but she knew the truth was waiting on her in the Intensive Care Unit. There was nowhere to run from this, nowhere to hide, nowhere to pretend this wasn’t happening. “Max has also become septic from the pneumonia despite different drug regimens, and that’s why he had such a bad day yesterday. I did not think he would survive until today. Helen, I know you and I have already discussed this, but….” 

“No,” she said. “Please explain it to them.” She simply didn’t have the energy to translate his words into there was nothing else to be done. She simply couldn’t bring herself to do it. She had known. The day before, when they were unable to keep his blood pressure stable, and the slightest movement sent him spiraling, she had known they had reached this point. 

“We’ve been unable to turn any of this around,” he continued to explain. “Despite our best efforts, despite throwing every antibiotic we have in our arsenal at the pneumonia that brought him in, Max has only gotten sicker. His kidneys are now showing signs of trouble, labs that have been stable are starting to change, and he’s just gotten much worse in the last 24 hours. Those things were brought on by his body’s response to the original infection. In his case, pneumonia. His immune system was simply too weak to fight it off.” 

“So,” his Dad said, his voice shaky with emotion. “What you’re saying is there is nothing else you can do for him.” 

The doctor across from them paused, choosing his words carefully, trying to deliver the truth with as much compassion as he could. “We’ve reached the limits of what medicine can do for your son, yes. If his kidneys get worse, we can try dialysis, but I don't know if he will tolerate it. If I had to give you an answer this very moment, I'd say he probably won't. I think it will be too much on his body, but that is the one card we have left to play if it becomes necessary. I’m not saying you have to discontinue care, but it’d be unfair to Max and to all of you if I didn’t tell you where we were. Your next steps are up to you, Virginia and I will be with you every step of the way. We can continue going the way we’re going for as long as Max will go, but I have to be honest in saying I do not believe he will survive this. I think it's just a matter of time.”

Silence fell over the room as they absorbed what they had just been told. If she could forget it was Max’s chart she was looking at, she would have told the patient’s family there was nothing more to be done. If she could forget it was Max’s chart, she would have probably already suggested comfort measures. The problem was, she couldn’t forget it was Max. She couldn’t forget their baby boy at home who had only gotten one year with his Daddy. She couldn’t forget the otherwise healthy, not even 40 year old man who had so much left to do in his life. If she were able to forget, this wouldn’t be such a gut wrenching decision, but she couldn’t forget. She couldn't look at this as anything other than a woman who was losing the other half of her heart. 

Max’s Mother sat next to her, quietly crying into her hands, unable to form the first word. Helen couldn’t imagine the pain she was feeling. She had been here before. She had sat in this exact hospital and been told her child wasn’t going to survive already. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. 

“What do you suggest we do next?” At that moment, she was thankful Max’s Father coped by asking questions and looking for actions. Fruitless as those actions might be, he had to do something. He couldn’t stand the helpless silence everyone else seemed to be lost in. “I mean,” he said, clearing his throat as he fought his emotions. “What comes next?” 

“That will be up to you all,” the doctor explained. “We're here to help you make that decision. Right now, we have Max on several antibiotics, one we added this morning. We can continue going the way we’re going, keep him on everything he’s currently on, and see how this play’s out. At this point, I believe it to be futile, but it is your decision. I think right now the question is if Max crashes again like he did yesterday, do we want to resuscitate him?” 

“No,” Helen said tearfully, shaking her head. “No. I don’t want to put him through anything else. If he crashes again, we’ll let him go.” The words coming from her mouth seemed almost robotic, and she had no idea where she found the strength to verbalize those wishes. She couldn't take seeing him poked and prodded for nothing. She couldn’t watch his body suffer even more trauma only to be let go hours later. The day before had been brutal, but she had stood by and watched every single action they had taken to save his life, and at the moment, she was questioning her decision when she allowed it. In her heart, she knew Max would tell her to try everything, but she also knew there were things worse than death. “I’ll sign the ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ order. I don’t want him put through anything else. If his kidneys get worse, I don't want the CRRT started.” 

She waited for his parents to protest, waited for their opposition to ring out in the conference room, but it never came. Instead, she felt Max’s Mom’s hand rest in her lap as she took hold of her hand, looking over at tearful eyes staring back at her. “Thank you,” his Mother said. “We couldn’t have done that, but we don’t want him hurt any more than he already has been. Yesterday was too much, and I can’t bear to see it happen it again.” 

“Whatever’s best for my boy,” his Dad said, finally beginning to break, and hearing the pain in his voice hurt Helen far more than she expected. “I don’t know how we’ll survive it, but whatever is best for my boy.” 

Virginia nodded, silently agreeing with the decision they had made. “We’ll keep him on everything he’s on now, we won’t escalate care, and we’ll meet tomorrow and see where we’re at. If you do make the decision to discontinue everything, we’ll keep him as comfortable as possible. In the meantime, you’re welcome to be with him, spend time with him, there is no limitation on visitors." She paused, and Helen could tell she was trying to collect herself. A woman she had never once saw break was sitting across from them struggling to maintain her composure. "I want you to know that if this could have been beaten, Max would have beaten it.” 

As the meeting wrapped up, Helen signed her name to the form giving them permission to withhold life saving measures in the event Max should need them. It felt wrong. It felt like she was giving up. It felt like betrayal, knowing Max would never choose the same thing for himself, but Helen knew better than anyone that he wasn't always right. His way wasn't necessarily the best way. She had a sudden flashback to signing similar forms for Mohammad, and she couldn’t help the tears that escaped her eyes. She quickly got herself together, knowing if she broke, there would be no putting herself back together, and she prayed for the trance like state death often gifted the family left behind in the immediate aftermath. 

“We’re going to the chapel for a bit,” Max’s Mother said, hugging Helen as they stood in the now empty conference room. No decisions had been made, yet the feeling was completely different. It felt final. It felt as if they all three knew what they dreaded most was inevitable. 

“I’m sorry,” Helen cried. “I should have asked you two before….” 

His Mother pulled back, keeping her hands on Helen’s arms. “You’ve made him so happy. You’ve given him a life I never thought he would have, and I don’t know how we’re going to make it through this, but we have to. Max blessed us with that little boy, and we’re going to survive for him. You have nothing to apologize for. Thank you for loving him.” Helen continued crying, keeping a hold on his Mother, and she knew every word of that was true. Somehow, someway, they would survive….for Meyer. Only for Meyer. 

“We’ll come back to his room once we’re done there,” she said. 

“Of course,” Helen said, watching as they exited the room. She took a seat at the table, unable to believe what had just transpired. She had known it was coming. If she were being honest, she had known the day he was intubated, but knowing it in no way prepared her for actually facing it. She had no idea how to live in a world where he didn’t exist. She had no idea how to pick herself up and move on. She had no idea how to let go of everything they’d hoped for and dreamt about. She had absolutely no idea how to let go of him. 

She heard the door open, and the moment she saw Lauren enter the room, she finally crumbled. She finally lost the battle with every emotion she’d been trying so hard to keep inside. Lauren wrapped her in a hug, holding her tightly as she cried out every horrible emotion she was feeling. “God, Helen, I’m so sorry,” she said quietly, beginning to cry herself. “I’m just so sorry.” 

“I don’t know how I’m going to do this,” Helen told her. “I don’t know how I’m going to make the decision to let him go. I don’t want to let him go.” She wasn’t just losing her best friend. She wasn’t just losing a marriage and lifetime with him. She wasn’t just losing growing old together. Their son was losing his father, and that caused her pain she couldn’t completely explain. Their son was losing the greatest man he would ever know. Their son was losing someone more proud of him than anything in the world.

“I know you don’t,” Lauren said, pulling away to look at her. “Look at me. If this is what you have to do for him, you can do anything. Don’t ask me how, because I have no idea, but I know you can. I know you can do this and still be everything Meyer needs. You can do it because it’s the only thing Max would want you to do.” 

“He’s never going to remember Max,” Helen said. “All these months, that's the one fear Max openly talked about. Meyer not being able to remember him. How do I fix that for him, Lauren?”

“You’ll make sure he does,” Lauren said. “Every day. Every single day, you’ll make sure he has a part of Max in his life. He will know who Max is, Helen. We’ll all make sure he knows who Max is and exactly how much he is loved.” 

Most would think it was the big things in their son’s life he would miss that she would grieve the most. He’d never see Meyer go to school, meet any of his friends, or rush to sporting events after a crazy day at work, exhausted but refusing to miss a single game. He’d never attend a graduation, meet any significant others, sit next to her at a wedding, or hold a first grandbaby. He would never get to see who their son would become. Those things ripped at her heart in a way she couldn’t begin to describe, but it was the little things she would miss the most. It was the little things most people wouldn’t think about that she was struggling with.

No matter how much time passed, she knew she’d always feel the absence of him whenever Meyer did something funny. She’d miss the Saturday mornings he insisted she sleep in while he got up with their little one, cooking breakfast, and destroying the kitchen in the process. She’d miss the story books he read to their baby at night, always doing different voices for various characters and getting more laughs than she could ever hope to get. She would miss the way more water ended up on the floor than in the tub when he gave Meyer a bath, but the little one loved bathtime most when Max did it. It was every morning, every afternoon, and every evening she would miss him with her entire heart. It was being loved by him and knowing she would never feel that way again. 

There would never be another Max.

Helen slowly made her way back to the Intensive Care Unit, knowing word had quickly spread throughout the hospital when the nurses gave her space rather than their normal greetings the moment she entered. Unable to do it herself, Lauren had called her parents, and they were bringing Meyer shortly, but for now, she just needed to be with him. She needed to shut out the world and feel his body next to hers. She just needed him.

She closed the door to his room, pulling the curtain and making her way over to his bed. He looked so peaceful, almost as if the war going on inside of his body wasn’t happening. She removed her shoes, climbing in bed next to him, careful to remain on top of the blankets and not jostle him at all. She watched to make sure his vital signs remained stable before lying down next to him, gently kissing his cheek before resting her head on his shoulder. “You know every time I look at Meyer,” she said, tearfully. “I see you. Every time he looks at me with those big blue eyes, I see you. There’s so much of you in him. He’s so loving and smart and full of energy. He is everything you are.” 

She started to break, the love she knew he had for the baby slamming into her, and it wasn’t fair they got such a short time together. He had been so scared of the little one, so terrified he wouldn't be a good father, never able to see that he was made for it. The moment he saw Meyer, he handed the little one his entire heart and never looked back. He excelled at many things, but Helen would always believe being Meyer's Dad was the thing he was best at. “I don’t know why this is happening, Max,” she cried. “I don’t understand. I’ll never understand, but I want you to know I’m so proud of you. You fought so hard for us because you love us, and we never forgot that for a second. Even on the days we were so frustrated with one another, I always knew why you were fighting so hard. We’ll never forget that. I promise.” 

Helen had no idea how she would ever let him go. She had no idea how she would sit by helplessly as he slipped away from her, and no matter what anyone told her, she was convinced it would break her beyond repair. “Thank you for loving me,” she told him. “You made me believe in things I was certain didn’t exist. I didn’t believe in what we have until I met you. I didn’t believe I could love so deeply until you. You did that, Max. You took every broken piece of me and gave me a life I never imagined.” 

Little by little, that enthusiastic guy she’d met in the lobby of New Amsterdam had worked his way into her heart, mending the pieces Mohammad’s death had left in its wake. He had loved every broken part of her, and without even realizing it, she had fallen more in love with him than she ever knew possible. She loved him more than every fear she had, more than every reservation, more than reason. “I wouldn’t trade you for anything,” she promised. “Even knowing how this may end, I’m a better person for having you. My life is better because of you.” 

She looked up at his face from where she rested, noticing he had the same long lashes their son had. Meyer favored him so much, and she now felt as if she understood why. She would need to see those blue eyes that were identical to Max's. The expressions she would sometimes do a double take at when the baby shot one her way. She would need to see that he lived on in their son. “Every time I look at him, every time I hear his little voice, every dream I have about him….I’ll see you, Max. It will always be you I see.” 

Helen could get lost in thoughts of life without him. If she allowed herself, she could get lost in the terrifying reality of walking out of this hospital without him, knowing she’d never see him again. At the moment, she didn’t know that she could ever practice medicine again. She didn’t know if she could carry on where he’d left off when it came to the hospital. She didn’t know how to survive the first night in a world he was no longer in. Rather than overwhelm herself with every struggle she knew she would face in life after him, she focused on what she had at that very moment. 

She could feel the strength in his embrace when he held her, and it was the place she felt most safe. She could see that smile she had come to realize was only reserved for her. She could hear the softness in his voice when he spoke to their son, the most impatient man suddenly morphing into the picture of restraint when it came to their little boy. She could see the way he looked into her eyes as they made love, and there was never any doubt in her mind that he was completely hers. She could feel his lips against hers, always kissing her as if he hadn’t seen her in days. There would never be any question that he had given her every single part of him. He had loved her with his entire heart. 

“I don't know what to do or how to do it,” she said quietly. “I don't know how to let you go, Max. I don't know how to make that decision. I know you’re tired, and I want you to know that it’s ok to let go. You’ve fought harder than I would have ever asked you to fight, and it’s ok to let go. We’ll be ok, Max. I promise, for you, we’ll be ok.” The truth was he would be the person she would turn to when faced with something of this magnitude. She would go to him with it, knowing he would always be there to listen and give her the best advice he could. She desperately wanted him to tell her when it was time, needed him to tell her, and the reality she had to figure it out alone was one she didn't know how to face. 

Sobs wracked her body as she lay next to him, and she wasn’t sure she could feel the full weight of what was to happen. She wasn’t sure she could fully comprehend the reality of what they faced. She wasn’t sure she would be strong enough to let him go, but she wanted peace for him more. Her prayer had finally morphed from pleading that he would get better to hoping for rest and release if that’s what was best for him. She would endure _anything_ for him, but she couldn’t endure the thought of him suffering any longer. She couldn't keep him around simply because it was too hard to let him go. 

“I promise we’ll take care of your Mom and Dad,” she said. “We’ll make sure they have everything they need, and I promise to include them in everything in Meyer’s life. I don’t want you to worry about them. I know we never made it down the aisle, but they’re as much my parents as if we had. You don’t need to worry about them.” Despite the distance between them when she met Max, she knew he worried and loved his parents more than he would ever say. He handled them so delicately, never wanting to cause them the same pain they'd experienced before, and she knew he had fought as much for them as he had for her and Meyer. He so desperately wanted a different ending for all of them. 

They had so many plans. In the past few weeks, she had focused so much on what life would be like after he finished treatment, so certain it would work, and he’d be given a clean bill of health. They’d started discussing a wedding, deciding to elope rather than have a ceremony with guests. The first wedding she had planned had been huge, full of family and friends, but with Max, the only thing that mattered was each other. It didn’t matter the location, the date on the calendar, if they knew a single person in attendance, what dress she decided to wear, or anything else she had stressed so much over the first time around. The only thing she needed was him. 

They had decided to spend their honeymoon in France, and unable to agree on a city, they had decided to visit several before coming home to start the process of IUI right away to conceive their second child. The pain Helen felt at knowing that would never happen, and feeling as if she would never be strong enough to make it happen on her own, was almost unbearable. They had it all planned out, so sure it was only a matter of time before they could put their plans in motion, and now it was slipping away as quickly as it had come.

It simply wasn’t fair. 

“Dr. Sharpe....Dr. Sharpe,” she heard, opening her eyes to realize she had cried herself to sleep as she lay next to him. She had no idea how much time had passed, but looking up at the monitor, his vitals remained stable. “Your family is here. I knew you were resting, so I told them I’d make sure it was ok for them to come in,” the nurse explained.

Helen sat up, slowly getting out of bed, “Yeah, send them in.” She slipped her shoes on, unsure how she was going to face the next few minutes, and the moment her eyes landed on the first person in the room, her tears started. 

“Look who allowed Auntie Lauren to hold him,” Lauren smiled, Meyer perched on her hip looking all around as both sets of parents followed behind. The moment he spotted her, she saw his little arms reaching out in her direction, wanting her to take him. 

Helen walked over, taking the baby in her arms. “Hey baby,” she said, kissing his little face and hugging him to her. She had no idea how she would ever adequately explain Max to him. There was no way she could possibly describe all he was and how much he loved, no matter how hard she tried. With Meyer in her arms, she made her way over to Max’s bed, unsure if he would scare Meyer or not. He’d yet to see Max in this condition, but she felt it was important. She felt it was important, and she hoped Max could somehow feel his presence there. 

“You see Daddy?” She asked him, trying her hardest to keep herself together. 

“Da da,” Meyer smiled, pointing to Max, and that was all it took. She broke down in sobs, unable to say anything else, and she had no idea how she would get through this. The little boy loved his Daddy so much, always so excited to see him, and her heart was broken, thinking about how he wouldn’t understand why Max never came through the front door again. He wouldn’t understand. 

“You want to see your Daddy?” Helen heard her Mother say, and she felt Meyer leave her arms as her Dad wrapped her in an embrace. She wanted to be able to do as her Mother was, keep it together so she could be strong for their son, but her heart was in pieces. 

Helen’s Mother placed Meyer on Max’s bed, keeping his little hands in her own. “Your Daddy loves you so much, Meyer,” she said, kissing his head. “So so much. He’s fought so hard for you and Mummy.” 

“Da!” Meyer said, smiling as he looked at Max, unsure what everything on him was but clearly unafraid. He had never been afraid of anything concerning Max’s sickness. The little one had taken it all in stride. Even on the days Max was violently ill, even with the weight Max had lost, even when he was hooked up to tube feedings or IV fluids, the only thing Meyer ever saw was his Daddy. 

Helen saw Lauren make her way over, taking her hand as she fell apart at the scene before her. She looked over to see that Max’s parents were holding onto one another, both crying, and she hated this for so many reasons. She hated it for the little boy in front of her, the heartbroken parents across the room, and for everyone who would feel the absence of the most wonderful man she had ever known. 

The baby boy reached out, touching Max’s hand, and Helen’s Mother kept a protective hold on him as he tried to figure out what everything was. “Tell Daddy we’ve been reading his favorite book to you every night, and it always reminds us of him. We don’t get the voices exactly right, but we always think of him, don’t we?”

“Na na,” Meyer grinned, looking up at her. 

“Yes,” Helen’s Mother smiled. “We always always think of Daddy. And we always will. There will never be a day where we don’t think of your Daddy.” The baby leaned forward, resting his little head on Max, and her Mother moved him up to rest in Max’s arm. 

“Mum,” Helen said, afraid Meyer would grab something he shouldn’t. 

“He’s fine,” her Mother replied, keeping a hand nearby. “He knows something is different. He won’t disturb anything.” 

Helen watched as the baby snuggled into Max’s side, remaining perfectly still, not trying to grab anything. He was normally full of life, so curious about everything around him, but not today. Today he clearly knew something was different, and it both amazed and broke her all at the same time. Being in Max’s arms or sleeping on his chest was one of the baby’s favorite places, so it made sense that when uncertain, that is where Meyer went. He felt safe there. The strange world around him didn’t scare him as long as his Daddy was there. 

She slowly walked over, trying to get hold of her emotions but failing miserably. She took a seat next to Max’s bed, reaching out to keep one hand on their baby boy and the other on Max. Her whole entire world right there in that room, and she had no idea how she was going to lose him if that was indeed how their life together was to end. No idea how she was going to walk out of that hospital, their son in her arms, and know life would never be the same ever again. She had no idea how she would be everything their little boy needed, but she would. She would because she promised him. She would because Meyer was already losing too much. 

She would for Max. 


End file.
